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Hi Girls,
I had lunch with a male friend today–former coworker. He is 30. Occasionally works for my husband’s business. Knows our history a bit.
He told me today he had a talk with h. Told him to stop drinking and grow up, act his age – 42. Told him to respect his marriage and family stop being stupid. This guy is 30 years old. telling my bonehead of a hubby how to behave. how sad, and yet revealing at the same time.
also, btw, this friend has been a pretty big crush for me at times over last cple years. Have had to manage feelings and attraction at times. put marriage first. unlike our SA’s, I do not indulge, friend has never tried. but there’s been sizzle. He is 12 years younger. seems ridic. often wondered if I got out of my mess if friend would show interest. felt like nervous school girl at lunch. stupid. no fool like an old fool, feel old and foolish!! but i guess he did not think so. he did ask me to lunch. that alone is just plain nice. just wanted to share a piece of my day. I have very few men in my life as friends, he is one of the few. it is nice.
Hi Pam,
I think it sounds nice and flattering. It is also a taste of what life would be like not married to a sex addict. I know when I get attention from men (rare, but usually younger) it makes me feel like a woman again. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time…..Love, napA man 12 years younger is the perfect age! After all… women live longer than men. 😉
Hi Ladies–
well now that it is 24 hrs later – I am rehashing some of the things mentioned about H during lunch—can i get your fb?
1. friend said he talked with H– told him he needed to grow up. He had his chance to party all the time, and if that’s what he wanted to do he had no business getting married and having a kid.
2. friend told me — I will never see accountability. It’s never him.
3. friend told me– it’s up to Darryl now. I can’t really make it happen, only put controls in place – ie not allowing him to have money. also told me if addiciton continues – that divorce just may be better. (he only knows about substance abuse and that there has been infidelity w/ prostitutes, he does not know about SA)Long story short, his words are really lingering in my mind. in fact they choke me up–this guy is a man who is what I know of him –” a do the right thing” kind of guy.
the truth hurts. I feel he was giving me the truth. Unless SA suddenly gets on path, and stays there– what the hell am I doing allowing this shit in my home? yet I don’t know how to stop it. I just really don’t. advice ? thoughts?
ps – it makes my “crush” factor gush all the more. but I’ll take a good freind any day.First of all… I see a “red flag” with young stud and its this…
He just might be wanting to get inside your sweet pants… ugh. I hate to be so, what is it? Well, let’s just call it protective… but when we are in such a vulnerable position, we are easy prey and ugh, ugh, ugh… That is how it goes… and yet, he could also possibly be on the up and up… (no pun intended) 😉
As for husband… I don’t know… I’m beginning to think and wonder if maybe they are ALL pigs? My h says they are, so its probably true.
My view is that if one lives with a SA, that they must be prepared for them to continue with their addiction. The odds are overwhelmingly in favor of that being the case. If one can do this, and many women can… (Look at our lovely Maria Shriver! and then of course, there’s Hillary Clinton and on and on…), then that is an individual choice. There is never a cure for any addiction. That is a known fact… there is only a place of sobriety and with something like this, its immensely fragile and very difficult to maintain.
No one can really tell someone that they must go– unless its very early on before marriage and children and then I would say… run like the dickens!!!
That probably didn’t help much, but since you are asking, it probably means that you are not ready. I think when a woman has made up her mind to go, nothing and no one can make her change her mind. (but, of course, that might not be true either)
best ~ L
Cindy, it would be unfortunate if your decisions get muddled by this friendship. Once you have come to conclusions of your own made maybe with the help of your ‘sisters’ and a professional, this mans’ support, friendship, whatever would be yours to explore. I could be so much further along in my healing and clarity about the future if I hadn’t let myself be distracted for months. Maybe one thing at a time?
Hi Cindy,
I’m with Lylo on this one. I think you need to be careful about attaching anything to this guy. He has nothing to do with your relationship with your SA. What you know about your SA, you already know and you aren’t learning anything from this guy.That doesn’t mean don’t get involved with him. It means don’t pretend that the conversation adds value to this OTHER situation you have with your SA. We stay or leave because of what we know is true about the SA relationship and whether we can accept the consequences of that truth—not because someone we might want to have sex with and who might want to have sex with us, weighs in on the discussion.
It’s easy to be distracted by the potential of another relationship that we think might be better—but that’s not why we end or continue on with the SA.
So do what is right for you without this guy or what he said. And then if you want to get involved with him, go ahead, it’s a free country (even here in Canada) but don’t paint a new relationship with troubles of the old one.
D.thanks for clarifying — all. I do need to watch the vulnerability on my end– I am easy prey right now for sure. bsides, what is this “freind’s” motive— thank you Lexie. yes I know much more about my SA than him, . so yes, there just may be ulterior motives and I shouldn’t take his words so seriously. i will be careful, and focus on what I want for me and daughter—above all. love hugs thanks for great insight
Hi Pam-C,
I agree with Lexie, Lylo, and Diane. Dr. Phil always says: never fix a relationship by going outside the relationship. Makes sense or things can become very complex and they already are. I think you know what you know to be true. It’s a big step to take and had I not literally been shoved out the door, I’d probably still be there trying to figure it all out and hoping for the best. I can tell you, I’m so happy he did it for me. Its a very individual choice. Just remember you are young and you have a full life ahead of you and so does your daughter. Life is what we make it.Hi Pam, You also have to be wary of anyone who would approach or step in in this kind of situation. He knows you are married, it does not matter if it is crap, but you are married until the day the papers are filed. If the friend is still around then, than have at it. If its meant to be he will still be around. If he can;t wait, then so be it. Personally with all of this going on I don’t have time to entertain any tupe of men friends, and anyone who is willing to date you or move in on another mans women, even though you are married has no boundaries. and at this point in time you do not have the time to devote to him in a healthy way.
How did your b-day dinner go?
Yes Flora agreed. I can’t say that he is stepping in– no moves have been made. I actually don’t think he is that interested. I do think he cares. He occasionaly works for H’s business. H got completely wasted at event, made ass of himself– not first time. friend took his keys , drove him home– gave him a talking too. Overally, even if he digs my stuff a bit, he’s kept it in line. I think I am so unhappy, dire need of a normal man’s attention, — I get attached. But no worries. some young thang ain’t gonna be here or there in my decision re: my crappy marriage and H’s recovery or not. but God, Flora, fun to entertain the thought… can I ever have fun for once?? it kinda makes me mad. but I am better off waiting. it is true, if it’s meant to be – he’ll be around when the fallout happens. .
btw — bday was good. had ridiculous expensive dinner and had a pretty good time. It did shake off my blues. thanks for caring about me!! hope all is well with you
Hi Pam,
You can have all the fun you want!! But you have to learn to walk alone before you will be strong enough to walk together with another healthy person; otherwise you be helping yet another cripple walk.Sure flirt and dream all you want. I bet he is cute 😉
yes, I dream I flirt with the idea. And I agree – we gotta make our decison one way or the other, and make our break before anything else. yes– he is a cutie. well– here’s to keeping life spicy. even if we are crappily married- its nice to dream a bit 🙂 all good. I hope for a friend for you too. jsut a normal guy to chat with once in a while. just a little kick to life…
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