- This topic has 66 replies, 24 voices, and was last updated 12 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
So, then it will be your fault if he relapses?
I would get rid of that therapist. She is not considering your needs.
Just my opinion.
I do love you March. ~ JoAnn
So…the therapist is putting the responsibility for his potential relapse on you? To Diane’s point, isn’t that putting the responsibility for his recovery on you (and Lola) rather than on him? If he is “in recovery” he should be able to cope with three weeks or even three months of living by himself because he would be responsible for his actions. And what did the therapist have to say about YOUR needs? Your need for some space and some clarity. PLEASE look at this as if it were someone else’s life. You would be all over a sister who was saying what you’re saying. You would March, and you know it. And you’d be doing it for her protection and benefit. And rightfully so.
I want to say again and be very clear on this point – a pre nuptial agreement means the agreement was made before the wedding but it has no legal effect until after the marriage and it only sets out what happens if the marriage ends. It gives absolutely no legal standing or benefit for you while you are divorced, or while a marriage is pending. At this point you are better off enforcing the divorce decree you already have.
“I asked the therapist that–can he just go back to his apt for these three weeks and she requested that I leave things the way they are. My guess is she thinks he would relapse again.”
In the immortal words of a sister…FUCK THAT!
Isn’t that the kind of crap we complain about all the time from the CSATs? That they are looking out for the SA at our expense? He is a grown man, for goodness sakes!
March, I say this with much love and I know you will do what you will do no matter what I say, but you are trying to save a man who joined a Yahoo strap-on group. Take a step back. That is where you are. Is that really what you want?
I know you want better for your daughter. I hate that my kids have a dad that has group sex with child molesters. But you cannot unring that bell. That will always be who he is even if became perfect tomorrow, even if every plan you make comes to fruition and he goes to Minwalla and…
I could just cry for you March. You can’t win here. It isn’t your battle. And I have a feeling the more we urge you to take care of yourself, the more set you will be in your plan. And that’s okay, too. We are here for you, you know that.
I always think of something later I wish I would have said…
March, I wish you could see how wonderful beautiful talented intelligent compassionate special you are- the way I know oh-so many sisters see you. Because we can all tell you that you are spectacular and deserve so so much more.
March I agree with Diane that you have been compulsively thinking yet you have no clarity. I believe you are not in a good position at the moment to make good decisions. In fact I don’t think you can make a decision at all. When the prozac kicks in I’m sure the wheel Diane refers to will slow and you will see things with more clarity rather than being in a constant state of panic.
I think March knows how beautiful and wonderful she is. It’s the inability to extricate as she expressed in her post. Cognitively she know whats what just like all of us in our own situations. Cognition and action there’s a huge gap for most of us, myself included. I had to get my ass kicked to the curb otherwise I’d still be there lamenting on what to do. This is true for most of us. It’s not easy. It’s hard.
You’re absolutely right Nap, it is hard. It’s also hard for all of us who love her to see her in such pain. This is all hard and it all sucks. I wish I had some damn fairy dust that would take away all the pain and doubt. I’d rent a plane and circle the globe sprinkling all the sisters. In the meantime, all we can do is keep being here for each other.
Much love,
DaisyYoure right Daisy. I feel the same way. The first rule of psychology is meeting people where they are. We each are in our own place, that’s where everything starts.
Love, NapI just wrote out a 20 million word post and lost it ….My brain is just mush…
In a nut shell, Dearest March, you and greg keep doing the same crazy dance over and over. You both know the movements so well that somebody is going to have to step on the other’s toes and break the cycle. Whose toes get smashed March? Think carefully on that one.
The CSAT is right. If you throw him out he will relapse. If you don’t throw him out he will do NO recovery work and relapse anyway eventually.
If you can stand the 2 weeks and you need the validation of the CSAT for whatever reason then hang in there 2 weeks.
My H went for the ” Minwalla or bust” because he believed me 100%. He didn’t go to save/better/improve himself or any other high level thinking skill set…he went because it was his only shot at having his family speak to him ever again.
Greg does not believe you. He thinks he can ALWAYS lure you back in. I have no idea if he can be saved or not but I do know that you cannot save him.
I love you. I support you.
If she goes with me to Panama City Beach with a trip to St George Island as a bonus…. I’m thinking two weeks just might fly by!! 🙂
I just hate to say (and state the obvious) it really peeves me off that a CSAT will say that if you throw him out he will relapse and when you did throw him out he came back from his dingy hole showing what he had done like it was your fault. My head is hurting from thinking about that. I think I should go and get a pedicure.
Credit to your husband Bev for facing up and doing the work required.
Just know March that you are beautiful and you deserve only the best.Thanks all. I am thinking about everything you’ve said. I appreciate the love and support. A lifeline.
I take all the credit for that one catherine. he would have NEVER done it on his own. he played around with it but never the hard work. I spoke with Stacy on the phone today ( annabegins) and she and I discussed the work that must be done if there is a prayer of change. It is not easy stuff. My H is doing it now but I made him go and that almost killed me. It took so much out of me. …
My Dearest March,
To my mind,this is the most significant thing you said.
“I have found it IMPOSSIBLE so far to extricate myself from this relationship. Every time I have tried, I have failed.”
That is the place to start, dear one.Everything else is just more of the same, March. It may seem different, but it isn’t. All your hard work has come to nothing and he remains completely unchanged. The only thing changing here is you March and not for the better. Waiting 3 weeks, trying another CSAT, buying a new ring….it is all part of the same pattern and that pattern is you not letting him go, no matter what he does. You keep thinking you are drawing new lines in the sand and then you keep moving them.
I think that is where you have to start, March. Right there with the fact you feel unable to get out. Its important to face that and determine what to do about it. My advice. Get YOURSELF to the Minwalla intensive for partners. As soon as you possibly can. I think he can help you.With the utmost respect and bundles of love, Karen xx
Hey, NAP! I’m sure March does know how great she is. But I, for one, like to hear someone else say good things about me when I am feeling down! And I like to hear that other people think good things about me! Maybe it’s my own insecurity- but I suppose we all kind of project what we think we would like to hear when we are in a bad place.
I think that is the beauty of this site- there are women with wisdom, incredible empathy, sensitivity, bluntness, pragmatism, humor- you name it. Whatever you need, you will probably find it in at least one person’s response.
March- we all just want to lift you up right now and find a way to make it better.
Teri,
I apologize I did not direct that sentence as something that should not be said and to you personally. I totally agree it’s nice to hear. Sorry if I offended you Teri.
Love, Nap
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.