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(by Kenneth Adams) I just read this book, an eye opener. I think that fits my husband, and his brothers, the entire family is messed up. Anyway, I felt so good because I actually had a compassionate thought, instead of hate anger and rage. So I told my therapist I read the book and was like “omg” is this stuff for real!! It’s spot on… anyway I was feeling great and she says “that is really very co-dependent of you” ??!!! WTF!!!! Really, trying to “understand” and comprehend the problem is co-dependent…. should I not care at all? If that’s the case then lets just bring on the DIVORCE papers!! Anyway, my nice warm and fuzzy thoughts turned into an all out rage over the phone to my H… nice.
I think you may need a new therapist. I don’t really get how reading that book made you seem co-dependent. Maybe she doesn’t understand the term?
In addition to designing our new SA cage match video game, let’s write a book: “How to be a CSAT for Dummies Which Most of You Are.” 🙂
Oh yes… I hate that term. There is a true definition of it and it’s not reading a book. I must be codependent with everyone I care about since I read up on how babies sleep with my son, and info about teenage boys for my 14 year old, and about Medicare when helping my sister get a job in the field, etc etc. I think if you were in counseling and your husband were normal they would be praising your ability for empathy
I read this another way. I think she is concerned you are attempting to “rationalize” away his behaviour? Attempting to find ways to excuse what he did by understanding the root of his problem. I’m guessing she thinks your focus should be on you and not on him.
Is she a CSAT?Dear Goddess,
this is a long journey, and education is part of it. So don’t feel guilty about trying to understand something. We all do that.
Eventually we stop because we know enough, we understand enough, and we realize we don’t need to know anymore.
It’s only codependent if you are using it to excuse him or not face the reality, which it doesn’t sound like you are doing.
There is also a need for all of us to focus on our own care and have compassion for ourselves. It doesnt’ sound like that therapist will be able to help you do that. There are lots of ways to ask you questions about the book you read and what it means without calling you a nasty name that puts you down, puts youon the defensive, and is profoundly untherapeutic. that is all about a therapist controls her patient by labelling her. She is trying to shame you into a place where she feels competent to treat you. And I hope you will tell her that from me.And yes, she could be trying to make you a coda so she then can treat you for it. If she upsets you get another one. There are some good CSATS but there seems to be more bad ones.
Thanks ladies!! Your comments really helped, its so nice to feel like I’m ok, I’m not crazy here. I am looking yet again for another T, by definition CSAT is Carnes. And there are a few on the edge.. they are very hard to find. What she said in therapy threw me into a wicked tailspin. I should have let it go, at least I vented here. And btw, we are working towards a full disclosure. T asked me, so are you going to divorce him. I asked why.. get this.. T says, well your H has done a lot of work, and it was very hard for him and if he gives you full disclosure and you leave that would be a HUGE betrayal!! Seriously!!!! Really, I know 2 wrongs don’t make a right but come on… we’re worried about him?? Called 2 different T when I got home.
How is that betrayal??!!?
Trying to understand a complex problem that’s drastically affected your OWN life and your relationship is not codependency. I hate that – when you do something entirely normal and sane, but it’s automatically viewed and framed as codependency, with zero regard for your actual motivations. It’s as though it’s decided for you – you are not an individual, just a cookie cutter codie. People who do this, they jump to conclusions and it can be infuriating.
I agree with Victoria because it’s very infuriating and just plain wrong and can cause further trauma in various ways. The therapist you want is one who understands TRAUMA. This whole ball of wax is traumatic from the begining (D day). Goddess I hope you find a good therapist to help you. Reading books to help yourself in any way is always a good thing.
Goddess, I am so angry right now at the way you were treated. Where does she get off warning you not to betray him?
Why are there so many messed up people pretending to be therapists?
I sent you a PM. These therapists are idiots. It took me 4 times to find someone I like and listens and hears me. Keep looking and dump that idiot CSAT now.
My first therapists, which I was seeing before I knew anything, said the whole co dependent movement in the 80’s ( I think) went a little overboard. She said learning about codependency is fine and that there are some good books and info but if you really think about it everyone is co dependent in a way. None of us live in a vacuum. I stopped seeing her because she was over her head in working with me as a partner of a sex addict. She was very nice and tried to help but she had no clue…
I know one I KNOW you would like, Bev. She doesn’t take shit from anyone. Tough as all get-out and real.
I would see one only if a sister recommended and vouched for them 🙂
Otherwise, I think they are nut jobs. When you really think about the whole set up, it is ludicrous. A man cheats onhis wife and they think it’s a good idea to let him be ready to write out his transgressions, et all comfy with it and have his poor shattered wife sit in a room with 2 strangers ( her husband and his therapist) and listen to a litany of his sexual exploits. Tell me, how does that make any sense to anybody.
I understand the need for full disclosure but the process they have come up with leaves a lot to be desired IMO.
IF you leave him…it would be a huge betrayal? HaHaHaHaHaHa. LMAO. Get rid of her. She is HIS therapist, not yours Goddess.
I give you credit for looking somewhere else for answers. I think csat’s don’t jump enough into the “why” it happens. In our situation they just cared about deviant behavior and ways to cope with it. We could do that for years and get no where. My husband read “when he’s married to mom” ( I think Diane suggested it) and it was the first thing that really made sense to him. (puke). He also read several family of origin issue books by John Friel and he went and spent a day with the author (for a fee). John Friel said my husbands family is really messed up. My h never did or does believe he has a sex addiction problem. So what then??? He has a mommy issue and he sees me as his “nice” mommy and that is why he has to close his eyes so tight when we would have sex!!!! yep. Just when you thought it was bad enough…. You are by no means codependent. Your therapist is an ass. Dr Minwalla told me to look for a therapists who specializes in trauma and emotional abuse. He said there is no need for the spouse to see a csat, especially if they are a carnie believer.
So my h just spent a week in Florida with his parents. They didn’t ask about me or mention his divorce once!!! Married for 30 years and they don’t even ask how things are!! They played golf and tennis and ate 642 calories a day and told themselves how perfect they are because they don’t eat and they always exercise. So fucked up.
Okay, I’m ready to explode.
“Betrayal”
Since when does our right to know the extent/nature of HIS betrayal and use that information to make in informed decision about staying or goinbg—become a betrayal.How dare she? All you want is the information that has been kept from you, so that you can decide for yourself if this is too much for you to manage. You have already played along by waiting for it.
For you to listen to the details of his betrayal, know that they are too much for you, and then choose to stay anyway IS CODEPENDENCE!!!!!!!
It seems that you are punished for being a human being here. You try and educate yourself–you are codependent. You know your limits and leave—you are a betrayer. This is emotional abuse. You should register a complaint. We will help you compose it.
There is a thread named in the list where we review therapists and treatment centres.
JoAnn, now that’s a site to consider putting out there!
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