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Trish,
Thanks so much for posting. It sounds like you’ll get a lot out of this. So glad you got a room of your own (my SA also wears a CPAP) there’s no way I can sleep with all that noise.
So very proud of you, Trish. Be kind to yourself, the massage is a nice touch. Don’t let your guard down when you are around your SA.
Much love, ClaireTrish, Thanks for posting about your experience. It sounds exhausting- especially coming right on the heels of mediation and the wedding. Keep taking care of yourself- you are doing a great job so far.
Your H makes my skin crawl, Trish. You deserve to be treated much better.
God, Trish…it sounds draining but also like this Dr knows what he is doing. I want to know all about it because I was on my way there when they told my H he had to have bypass surgery immediately. I am going to make sure I have a bit more time because I don’t know how many trips I can make to LA. I have been asking myself why I suddenly want to do this after almost 3 years of just keeping my walls impregnable. I think it is because I want validation too. I want someone (other than you sweet girls) to hear what I experienced and say I did not deserve to be treated that way. I KNOW on a rationale level that is true but I’m not sure I know it on a deep, emotional level. And I want my H to know it too….no matter what happens to us…I want him to hear what he did.
I might have guessed your husband had some deep resentment brewing. That is how they allow themselves to do what they do. I think maybe they do hate us in their twisted minds. I hope you get some answers about that poly he did Trish….if you even want to know.
Sending you strength and energy. It sounds like you will need the energy. Karen xxI just wanted to pass on something I read somewhere on some blog that began with what FC posted and took me all over in the wee hours. Some therapist said something to the effect of “If you are in a healthy relationship you don’t have to find ways to convince yourself to remain in it.” I thought to myself….how f–king true is that? Karen xx
Good point. I’ll take that with me this morning. I’ll let you know how today goes. Lift me up girls ~ I need you!
Trish….we are right there with you in the trenches. I think that is why I felt anxious for you. I know it has to be exhausting, confusing and an awful lot of introspection all at once. Then, of course , there is the never knowing what they will come out with next? I know we get so angry we don’t give a shit what they think or say but there is something so surreal about looking at a man you have been with 30 years, see his mouth moving but have no comprehension of what he is saying or why he is saying it? It is that OMG, I hardly know this guy feeling and it is weird. Hang in there…this is good for you in that you may achieve some closure if nothing else.
Karen xxDear Trish,
I’m on the edge of my seat here in Calgary. Thanks for making the effort to tell us how it’s going.re: your SA hates you.
We know they have to hate us in order to do what they do to us. And yes they all tell us how they love us, and the counsellors/therapists never get at this hate thing at all. They never have to take responsibility for anything. I hope Dr. M. gives it to him with both barrels, I really do. I’m so sick of these abusive cowards and their endless lies and excuses.but have a good day.
Dear Diane…you are really onto something there and I have felt and believed this myself as I experienced it. They are hating us when they are doing this and perhaps that is why the “Don’t take it personally” comment makes me feel crazy. I don’t buy this addiction theory one bit. These men are damaged and manipulative and they get off on fucking us over…at least at the time. When their world comes crashing down, they perhaps see everything differently BUT while they are at it- they hate you or at the very least they do NOT love you. NO ONE does this sort of thing to someone they love and no Dr of psychiatry, psychology, or sexologist is ever going to convince me that is not true. I don’t give a shit where they put their boxes, how they can disconnect sex from emotion differently then we can, what their childhood trauma is or what their mother did. If you want to love ME, live with ME, share your life with ME then you better not fuck around, lie, manipulate me or put every Goddamn impulse you have ever had ahead of my heart, my life and my personal safety. If you are not man enough to rise to that occasion…FUCK OFF. God, I HATE these guys. 🙁 Karen xx
And I hate their therapists too. There is more common sense on this forum than most of those people learned in their graduate degrees.
Not to keep touting Dr. Simon’s theories but again, I’m reminded of something I read – that we want to excuse the “disordered characters” actions as them being in denial or they didn’t understand that there actions were so damaging. That’s the thing – they do understand that. They understand it more than we do! They just don’t think they have to play by the same rules. This really resonated with me b/c my H has always been the somewhat “anti-authority” guy – you wouldn’t know it by his preppy exterior and Ivy-league education but he always challenges authority and as I’ve always jokingly said to him, he likes to be “contrarian”. Now I realize how true (and deep) that is.
FC- I agree, what Dr. Simon said makes so much sense. They get what they are doing is wrong but they aren’t going to do anything about it. Fits my STBX to a “t”. Every time we try to set a boundary- nothing but excuses about how our boundaries really shouldn’t apply to him. “I hear you, but I don’t care. I’m going to keep doing it”. How do you fix that?
Trish, can’t wait to see how it goes today. I agree with Diane- these guys need to get it with both barrels. No more excuses, no more abuse.
Good luck Trish…I will be thinking of you.
FC, I believe they are in denial that something is terribly wrong with them. I don’t believe for one second they are in denial about what they are doing.
One day I am going to come out as a therapist on fucking Anderson Cooper and expose the profession for the garbage it can be – don’t get me wrong I love my work but my God it is a profession full of wackos and I am the one married to the SA – don’t answer that it is a rhetorical question:-)
Well, I am too tired to post much, but what I can tell you is – that I cried less and he cried more today. Minwalla drew on a white board to describe what has been going on in my husbands head since before we met – that ultimately led to dday and its aftermath. I won’t be able to do it justice right now, but I can tell you that my sah saw the whole picture differently when Dr. M was finished. He saw the “car accident” – trauma analogy – that his behaviors caused and he admitted for the first time that he was the perpetrator and I was the victim. That was huge, because yesterday he said that he did not know why his viewing porn had caused such an avalanche. Today he seemed to be starting to get it. Tomorrow is our last day. The trip was definitely worth it just for the validation I got in front of my sah. Minwalla said I had the clarity and understanding of a PhD in sex addiction and that my sah was like a kindergartener. That felt good! Minwalla gave us both some hope, but was very clear that the work to be done by my h would take years and that I did not have to sit around and wait. That I was to continue to work on my healing, give my h about 6-8 months to prepare a proper disclosure and once that was done we could decide if the marriage stood a chance of reconciliation. He felt we should slow down – because we are near the edge of the divorce cliff – and allow my h to get some “good treatment” for a few months to see if he makes any effort to change. I told them I would give him the time to work with the psychologist at home, but that I would not promise anything in the future, other then the fact that I would be putting myself first from now on. More tomorrow. Good night from Beverly Hills!
oh trish, this is major. I am so happy you got the validation you were after and hope, hope, hope SAH truly is comprehending the treatment.
Well now you are a goddess and a Ph.D.! Congratulations.
I’m glad you didn’t promise anything more. I believe our job is to know what we want, and put ourselves first, as you said.
And I sincerely wish your SA good luck with his life’s journey, as long as he stops wrecking your precious life. If not, he can go die on the toilet with Karen’s husband.
Sweet dreams and I hope tomorrow brings more insight and affirmation
D.xo
Great thread here. Thanks for sharing Trish and allowing yourself to be lifted up by the sisters. They are doing a great job!
Dear Trish, I would like to see that white board and a sane explanation for what has been going on. It would be worth thousands of dollars just to hear it. Thank you for continuing to update when I am sure you must be drained. Its a heavy choice they leave us with? I’m rooting for you Trish.
Karen xxTrish thank you so much for posting even though you are so tired. It is very interesting to learn about the process and I am so pleased that your husband is finally seeing that he and only he is responsible for this mess. What a lovely compliment Omar paid you when he commented on your knowledge of SA. When you are finished I would like your opinion as to whether it would be best to do a couples intensive or partner’s intensive. Good luck tomorrow! xox Catherine
Trish,
Wow! How wonderful to have that kind of validation! Isn’t that what we all want to hear? Go, Minwalla! Thanks so much for posting- Dr. Minwalla should give you a discount for the publicity you are giving him!I knew you would be safe with Minwalla and I knew that if anybody can get thru to an SA that he could.
It is now up to your H to do his work. I don’t know if he will or not and I don’t know if it is ever good enough. I can only speak to the part I have seen and it is good. Not so much for the marriage ( I think that is a whole separate issue). It is so good for the kids whether they are old or young. It also helps that your H could turn into a person that deals with you in a humane manner when/if divorce happens.
I am so glad you went Trish. I know you must be emotionally drained. I am sending you prayers for strength. Thanks so much for keeping us updated.
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