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Thanks so much, Trish. You are an amazing woman and you deserve every form of validation possible. I’m so glad, relieved, happy, thankful that Minwalla is giving it to you. It’s vital for your own healing. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and updating us, you’re helping many sisters here.
Yeah, a sisterhood discount would be great! I honestly don’t know of another website that talks about Minwalla more than us!
We are all waiting with indrawn breath, Trish. I realize now that you may be the first sister we have had attend Minwalla, WITH he SAH with her? Everyone else has gone on their own or the husband has gone on their own. I suppose that is why we are all so curious to see what this Doc can do with an actual couple. Or I am, anyway. 🙂 Karen xx
Good luck today Trish. I hope you get everything that you came for and more! Oh, wouldn’t it be the bomb if the good doctor could get your SAH to fess up to that nasty porn dvd that magically appeared in the closet, you know the one the porn faeries brought? 😉
I’m glad you got your own room. I bet you are exhausted, it was pretty heavy when I was there. I want to go back to Beverly Hills and have some fun some day!
It was a very worthwhile trip. My sah has already left for MD. I am spending the night and flying home to NC tomorrow. My husband is planning on coming back here in 4 weeks for the 9 day intensive. I am shocked! He will be seeing the psychologist in NC this Friday. Minwalla will call the Dr. in NC before the Friday appt. to go over what got started here. I had time alone with Minwalla today and he told me he thought he saw a real shift in my h yesterday and he was thinking of it as a “mini miracle” because my sah came here full of anger, and completely on the defensive on Monday and was much more open and apologetic to me by last night.
Minwalla is very smart in a very common sense way. He is gentle and kind in a very non-judgemental way. He pointed things out to Tim, clearly and concisely and let him know that he was wrong or his perceptions were skewed when Tim responded a certain way. He also gave Tim hope, that with “good treatment” he could deal with his past demons and begin to process emotions in a healthy way. He also took time to get me to see that SA is just a piece of the problem. He has a way of making you see what behaviors in the child’s life, led to the coping mechanisms that ultimately led the man to porn or any other acting out – and it made such sense. NOT an excuse, but an explanation and in my sah’s case it was made very clear to both of us how this all got started. Minwalla described my h as having the emotional capacity of a 4 year old. He told me that for my safety and security, I had to continue to focus on taking care of myself and keeping my “plan B” ready to execute. He told me that it made no sense to put my well being in the hands of a 4 year old that has tantrums and becomes a wounded, petulant child when he does not get what he needs from me. It all made so much sense.
We have a plan for the next 4 weeks until the Intensive. Minwalla told me that the man that comes home from the IOP will be a very different man than flew out here. (He described the IOP to Tim as boot camp). That he will be much more grounded, and have real traction to begin treatment. We will have another plan drawn up after the IOP. I am to give him 6 months to prepare a proper disclosure.
For now, we don’t talk about his treatment. We stay pretty silent around each other, so as not to set each other off. H knows that I am concentrating on myself. Before my husband left in the taxi, he thanked me up and down for getting him to Dr. Minwalla – who he had referred to as a snake oil salesman, out to empty our wallets before we got here. He even told this to Dr. M during their session yesterday. He told Minwalla that he had no trust in therapy or therapists because they had failed his mother and sister who both committed suicide. I think he has changed his mind after 3 days with Dr. Minwalla.
Will he be capable of doing the work to change and deal with all of the baggage he has carried his entire life? I have no idea. But if I were a betting man, I’d put my money on on a different horse. I will hope for my kids and for him, that he can stick with it long enough to start to feel the change for himself. As for me…I heard that the new Coastal Living Magazine is on the stand…Trish, I am so completely and utterly impressed by you, I really don’t have the words to describe it. Thank God for Dr. Minwalla! Thank God he managed to reach your H. And an even bigger AMEN that you are keeping your priorities in order and moving forward with your own life. You are doing everything so right IMHO. Safe travels to you tomorrow. Enjoy your magazine! 🙂
Hugs,
DaisyTrish, I keep trying to compose some fitting post to you but I can’t seem to get it all right. I want to simply tell you that I admire you so much. What you just did for your husband is priceless, selfless, and courageous beyond words. Minwalla is right. He will not be the same man when he returns. I do not mean that in any way to say that you should hang out in the marriage. My vote is get out and get your beach house. I do know that now there is a chance that your children can have a father and your future grandchildren can have a grandfather that is worthy of them. What you have done for him is a true act of a mother and a damn good one. I am so lucky to know you.
You certainly earned a star in your crown and a lovely beach house 🙂
Gosh you gals are good for my ego! Thank you for your kind words. It means the world to me since you “get it”.
Trish I agree with the other girls. You are a very special person and this is exemplified by what you did in going with Tim see minwalla. I have a question for you but if you are not contort able giving me your opinion that is ok. My buzz and is doing quite well with therapy. He has explored his childhood and understands why he is the way he is and has made huge changes in his life in terms of dealing with all misbehaviour including temper tantrums. I am the one struggling now. Do you think it is worthwhile doing the couples intensive or should I just stick to my and do the partners intensive. Catherine
trish, awesome, just awesome. i’m so proud of you. what a great thing you did for you and your children. i’m glad it went well for you, and i hope it continues to make things better for you. xo, lisa
Catherine, do both. You go first and get your help and get what you need. Then, if you feel it will help, go to the couples intensive.
Minwalla will do the “couples” thing and take you where you are. If your H has done work and gets it then Minwalla will move forward in helping you both as a couple ….
Catherine, I’m honestly not sure. Dr. Minwalla thinks I would benefit from the partner intensive when I am ready. He said I could do it now or wait until after the 6 months are up and I get a proper disclosure, or do it if I decide to end the marriage before the 6 months are up because I see no effort or movement from Tim. He said it could benefit me in different ways depending on where I am in my own plan. The couple intensive for us, was more about trying to get my husband to see that there is good help out there for him, than for me, or for us. Minwalla does recognize that there are 3 parts that need to be cared for. The partner, the addict and the couple-ship. He doesn’t think we should really do any work on the couple-ship at this time, but that we need to keep it as part of the plan. So for now our plan is for 4 weeks. We are not to talk about treatment and we are to do our best not to engage in arguments that cause him to become defensive and me to feel guilty or insecure. We are going to try to be civil and mostly silent with each other when Tim is home on the weekends. We will re-evaluate after the IOP in April and try to keep the plans to a few weeks at a time. The big thing that we both took away from this is that we had not availed ourselves (Tim especially) of all kinds of good help that is out there, and we were on the edge of divorce when we arrived at his office. He wants me to slow down, and let Tim get some traction in recovery, and support from his therapist (and Minwalla) so that treatment can even begin.
I would recommend that you talk to Dr. Minwalla and get his opinion on what he feels would be best for you and your husband. I think he will be honest and give you excellent advice. There is a humbleness to him and I really got the feeling that he cared about us. He said that he felt honored that we would journey so far to meet with him, but he also saw that as a desire for help for Tim, me and the couple-ship. I was clear that it was a last ditch effort for me. That it was a box that I needed to check before I walked away. I am so glad that I went and I will go again when I can, with or without Tim.We should have our SOS retreat out in Beverly Hills! Mornings with Minwalla and afternoons on Rodeo Drive – just a thought 🙂
Thank you Trish for keeping us well informed about your sessions. Good therapy can really help. I’m amazed your SAH was crying. Sounds like he’s on a long, hard road. You were so wise to stick around long enough to take him to Minwalla. So wise. I understand how wonderful having the pain and hurt validated in front of your spouse is. I hope for you that your husband gets far enough into the process to validate that pain directly and sincerely.
Trish thanks so much for your feedback. Good advice. I will call and try to speak with Dr Minwalla. It is so good to know there is help out there even if I have to fly 15 hours for it.
I truly wish the very best for you Trish whether it means being on your own or a future with an new and improved Tim. xox CatherineMe too Penny. Tears are incredibly rare with my husband so I saw that as real emotion, especially in front of Minwalla. Tim is always so guarded and sometime during his one on one with Dr. M, the defenses were lowered enough to begin to see what his actions had caused, and that HE was the perpetrator and I was the victim. Minwalla got him to see that it was him and NOT me. he also got him to see that it was not only me in the “car accident” – trauma analogy- but that are kids were victims too. When Tim said “how do. I go back to my child hood to start to deal with this stuff” Dr. M stopped him and said that we had to start at the car accident. He kept saying to Tim to look at the car accident. He described me as having been thrown from the car, bleeding on the road, shards of glass sticking out of me and told Tim that I was the first priority after the accident. It was just so validating and the way he said it, it clicked and seemed to make sense to Tim. He also explained PTSD, SA induced Trauma, Rape trauma, where all of these thing fit in to the over all trauma. I believe finally that Tim could see that this is not something that I can just “get over” if I choose to. He saw and began to understand that he caused this and the fallout for me, our kids and our marriage is on him. For someone already suffering from a lack of self worth, this was pretty deep and pretty fast per Minwalla which is why he called it a mini-miracle.
Thanks Catherine. I need time to grieve for the old relationship that has been destroyed and continue to focus on the future I want to have. If Tim has a place in that future it will have to be with an entirely new foundation built on respect and trust and real emotion. There is no going back. That marriage was run over and destroyed by Tim. I have to grieve its loss and then move forward toward my life of peace and truth. If one day he could come to me with proof of real change and a desire to see if we could start again, I would see what he could offer me, but I would keep my needs first and foremost. Also my safety and security. It would be a long shot, but I suppose miracles do happen. Meanwhile I’ll be tweaking my plan.
I’m still perplexed as to why it took so long and you had to travel so far for Tim to see what is obvious. I’m glad he has got there (finally) but you have paid such a high price Trish for so many years for his failure to acknowledge the pain he has caused. It is all so bloody tragic. Onwards and upwards hey!! x
Excellent posts Trish. Thanks for taking the time to share all this. It sounds like it was quite worthwhile and I am very happy that you got what your needed and expected from the sessions
Trish – thank you so much for sharing as much as you have in such an intimate way. I am going to see Minwalla on April 8th for 5 days with H – also in a way as a last attempt to really get the help he needs to see the extent of the damage he has caused and for me to stay grounded in my plan to take care of myself and my adult children in the best possible way. I have had little contact with H since we discussed going ahead with divorce and seeing attorneys and he has been quite desperate in his attempts to reconnect with me. So I am glad, after hearing everything that you have said that I made that decision to go because I think it will help me to continue to be honest and courageous in my decision to take care of myself. We will of course be in separate rooms and our phone consult with Minwalla was very reassuring as my H is at the very least Bi and also a Muslim so Minwalla’s background covers so many of our problems on many levels. I will also update everyone as we go through this experience. I do believe that my son’s will have a better father father and I at the least might rediscover some respect for the man I chose to father them. Trish you have my profound respect and gratitude – xo Meg
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