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Thanks Trish and everyone else. I feel so lucky to get to hear about Minwalla. I want to make a goal for my self to get some of this treatment. Need to get my finances in order post major and permanent financial abuse. Things are turning around for the better but it is going to take some time.
Meg and Trish, so impressed with your love for your children. I’ve been thinking several times lately of Bev’s deep love for her children, and March for Lola. So abused and yet putting your children first, always wanting a good father for your children. You are all so precious.
Dear Trish,
Thank you very much for taking us on your journey with you. I can only imagine how much interpersonal ground you have covered in 3 days. I never thought I would go to Minwalla with my husband. I wrote off any hope of him being anything different 3 years ago when I found out the magnitude of his behaviour in Asia. I was thinking I would go on my own. You are now the second person(with Bev) who has sent what appears to be a hopeless case to this Dr. He seems to be able to make an impact in a short period of time. It was by listening to Bev that the idea first began to germinate in my mind that perhaps I should tick one final box. I am still married to him, with no immediate plans to leave, so I thought what the hell. All I have to lose is money and perhaps this Dr could help me continue forward as I felt I may have taken myself as far as I could go for now. I was really curious to see how your H would be impacted and it seems he was. I believe there is a very good chance my H is one of those character disordered people that this Dr Simon talks about in his book “In Sheeps Clothing.” I don’t believe in sex addiction and never have…not when I sat with the addiction specialist here and not when I sat in Cosa online. I believe there is something wrong with my husband…something of a mental health issue. And I believe that about ALL of them in truth. So it is a big jump against my own beliefs to go see Dr Minwalla and to go down this sex addiction road again. I have made it clear to my H that we are going, as soon as he is well enough and has time off. I feel very conflicted and apprehensive myself at the thought of being there but I know I need to move forward. Having you go ahead of me and describing something of the process has been invaluable. Thank you again for sharing your experience. You are 4 months into this. You are a true inspiration.
Karen xxKaren, I think you should see Minwalla. Taking your H is purely up to you. Minwalla does treat the “acting out” first, so in that regard he does treat it as an “addiction”. You may want ( or maybe you have already) spoken with him about his views on this being a true addiction. Like alcohol or drugs….
Trish,
Thankyou for sharing so much about your experience with Minwalla. I’d like to squeeze a little more out of you about the diagram on the white board that you referred to, since that made things so clear to your husband.
You are an inspiration.
XO Debora
karen I had my answers when I left there. I didn’t like them but I had them. Omar spelled out what my h had to do. I think my h would have listened to Omar, but not to me. So I am getting divorced. I asked my h to go see him after the divorce because I really do want him to be ok. I’m not sure I am doing this in the right order. But I need to feel safe and he was going to throw me under the bus. I like the idea of you going with your h, it makes a lot of sense in your situation. And like trish said – she will have then tried everything and can be at peace with her effort.
My experience was exactly that – my h completely ignored what I have been saying but when Dr. Minwalla said it, he not only listened but he opened up and actually digested some of it. I guess Minwalla was right in calling it a mini miracle, because you have all watched sah throwing me under the bus since dday. When he was in tears on Tuesday, saying how sorry he was that he let his issues poison our family, I really felt his sincerity. The magic of Dr. Minwalla I guess.
Trish – that is wonderful. As the other sisters have said, you have done everything in your power to help him. Now, it’s up to him. And the proof is in the pudding – listen to his actions, not his words. I sincerely hope he does what is needed b/c at the end of the day, we all want these men to get better and be productive members of society, even if our marriages don’t survive.
I feel certain that we will go BUT even before we go I have to be honest and say I am not too damn hopeful. I do want to go for myself. I didn’t really think my H would agree to go and I didn’t really think I would tell him I wanted him to, so I am a bit surprised myself to find that is the plan. I know I need some kind of help and I don’t know where to get it. I don’t trust my H and I don’t trust the CSATs and I don’t trust anyone else’s H either. I’m not sure I trust myself anymore after landing myself in this colossal shit storm. I guess it is the knowledge that Minwalla can see what has been done to us. I read his article and posted it here a LONG time ago. I know he will hold my husband accountable and my husband will likely fail in any real effort to rise to the occasion. It occurs to me that even worse than what they do to us, is the way they try to minimize what they do to us. I need that validation. I don’t know when I realized that but it is recent. I have no plan or thoughts about afterwards. I feel very uneasy about going but am going to do it anyway. Funnily enough, my husband has gone back to the psychiatrist who assessed him when we left Borneo in 2010. He seemed to want to go. The dr has referred him to a colleague for some kind of mindfulness CBT. Not sure what he thinks he can accomplish in a couple of weeks but just the fact my H even stepped through the door is huge for him. I think his heart surgery has frightened him as he is acting rather odd. I don’t care who he sees or what he does as long as he goes to Minwalla. If he doesn’t go he will not see me anymore. OMG I cannot believe I am considering going back into the lion’s den. I hope you are right Bev and Heidi. I hope there is something new to learn there….at least about myself.
Thanks girls. Karen xxKaren go for you. That is enough. In 3 days between Minwalla and a therapist also named Trish, I felt so validated, strong, purposeful and sane. My Plan B was applauded and I feel calm on the inside, so that when I walk away, I will have done all I knew to do for my h and for me. I am not sure where my clarity and strength are coming from, but I believed them when they told me I was amazing and on the right path to an SA free rest of my life. I feel like I am being pushed with real purpose and direction. It has been only 4 1/2 months but I am ready now. I could not have done this back in 2000. I guess now is MY time – I recognize it and I am running toward it. I pray we all get “there”. Our journeys are so different and yet so similar and I do believe we will all find our voice if we listen to ourselves carefully. That means putting ourselves first and I have been trying to do that since dday. It is working and I know I deserve it!
What a hopeful post. I am so uplifted and encouraged by you, Trish, and you, Karen, and all you sisters who are putting so much heart, time and money into getting these SAs into the right treatment path. I really hope it blesses your families for generations to come. Put a stop to the madness! You are the first wave and I’m proud to know you.
Karen, I wouldn’t overanalyze it if I was you. I tend to do that to myself all the time. My crazy doc said a Minwalla type intensive ( couple or just you) is like a closure thing. He said everybody throws around the word closure but it actually does mean something. Not the wrap it all up in a neat little package and tie the bow but a settling of the nagging in your gut.
It’s like the pair of earrings you lost years ago. They weren’t your Grandma’s heirlooms pearl earrings but they were cute and fun and you liked them. They nag at you. Where did you put them? Did you lose them? Did someone steal them? Did they just disappear? Are they staring you right in the face and you keep overlooking them? You could swear you had them on and put them back on the dressing table but they are nowhere to be found….
It will nag at you. The earrings can be dismissed but that nagging over large issues in your life will not stop. It needs closure. Your H needs to HEAR you loud and clear. That is the only reason I want him to go with you. It may not change him and it may not change your feelings about him. It will give you a voice and a chance at the elusive closure. It is an overused word with underrated power.
It is why Lynn suddenly missed being married. It is why Teri is so damn frustrated at every turn. It is why Daisy is waiting disclosure. It is why Courtney is considering her H’s actions after her Fuck That list. It is why March held on for years. It is why Diane still has sadness and anger. It is why I am muddling around wondering what the hell I am doing.
Go, give the good doc a chance. It’s only money 🙂
Damn Bev, you are one smart cookie! 🙂 When I read you post I realized you are exactly right – at least about me. When I think about the disclosure, I don’t really focus much on what he is going to say to me or what effect it will have on me. What I really spend most of my time thinking about is my “rebuttal” after the disclosure. My chance to tell him what I think and feel about what has happened to my life and my marriage in a setting where he has to sit and listen. No more nonsense about how I “hold a grudge” (you haven’t seen ANYTHING yet) or “dwell on the past” or whatever. Then I will have at least a partial sense of closure. And if the disclosure doesn’t go well, I see a trip to the good Dr. Minwalla in my future as well.
Hey I’m new here, but want you to know how much I respect what Dr. Minwalla does. In addition to couple intensive and SA’s intensive, I’ve done the partner intensive. I was afraid my own therapist was the only one looking at this issue without labeling me a codependent. Now I know there is at least one place that gets this. There are so few places that treat us as we are, partners with C(omplex)-PTSD. While the damage is huge, being able to name it correctly goes a long way to begin the healing process. I’d be happy to share more my experience with ISH.
Yes, Noco, please tell us about your experiences with Dr. Minwalla.
If you would, so it doesn’t get lost, please start a ‘new topic’. There are instructions on how to do that in the ‘How To’ link on the right side menu.
Thanks for jumping right in and sharing your comment.
Hugs ~ JoAnn
Bev I love your analogies. They make things so clear.
Karen maybe the care you showed your husband while he was ill prompted him to do some work. Maybe he could see was he has lost.
I want closure. I want to put all this crap in its place in my life whether I stay with my husband or not. I don’t want to be bitter and twisted and I want to feel better actually good about myself. I don’t want the roller coaster of feeling positive one day and desperate sadness and hopelessness the next. I want to get out there and be the best person I can be.
Karen if you don’t mind me saying I think you need this too. There is a whole lot of living and loving still to be done in our lives.
Perhaps Dr Minwalla can help get us there.Sorry Bev I just realise I repeated what you said to karen. you can see it isn’t a great day for me. I’d bette see if someone can fit me in for a facial.
I think, no I know, I will need this “closure thing”. Am willing to save money for as long as it takes to get enough to go where I need to go and be with the right treatment folks.
Beverly, you are so right. The piece that eats away at me is that I am still looking for some sort of acknowledgement from my sah, although it does get easier.
Noco would LOVE to hear your experience too
Closure is the same reason why crime victims and families are allowed to speak at the sentencing phase when the perpetrator is finally brought to justice. Just seeing them sent off to jail isn’t enough. Victims need a voice.
Unfortunately, I think I am way beyond my getting closure with words at a weekend with Minwalla. I think I need flathead shovel closure. I wonder if Minwalla has a special room for the tough cases like mine.
Teri – you made me laugh girl. How about a custom made Flathead shovel with a small cut out for ease of appendage removal just prior to the over the head whack.
Teri – you have been through so damn much. How I wish the shit would end. How could anyone treat you this way? It is criminal. They drive us crazy, then blame us for being crazy.
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