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Absolutely – don’t second guess yourself. I just wanted to be clear that what we did was not so much about “us” but about getting “him” into much needed therapy.
Thank you Teri! I don’t know what I’m hoping for, for myself. I just finished reading JoAnn’s Boundaries e book and that was very helpful. I realized that I have been working on my personal boundaries for awhile now, I just didn’t know what to call it. One thing I do know about my post-disclosure life is that with or without my H in my life, I am going to work on being a healthy and happy (almost) 51 year old woman. I not going to try to be anything other than my authentic self. I’m going to wear my hair the length I choose (my H likes really long hair), I’m going to wear pajamas to bed every damn night if I want to (my H hates pajamas, sleeps naked and thinks I’m repressed because I don’t like to), I’m going to accept the changes that time and childbirth have caused to my body and no longer wear the Victoria Secret crap my H bought me that made me uncomfortable (I threw it all away after DDay anyway), and I’m never ever going to feel responsible for fulfilling any man’s sexual fantasies unless his particular fantasy is a slightly overweight middle aged woman with stretch marks on her belly and arthritis in her feet. 🙂
Sounds like your H was still thinking he was a college boy and you are just wanting to be a grown up to me.
Yeah – Do they ever look in the mirror and see what time has done to their bodies? My h is a severely overweight bald 55yr old. I look way better than he does and I had the 4 kids in 5 years that ranged from 8lbs 7oz to 10lbs 2 oz. Get real assholes!
In my H’s case, I think his acting out has a lot to do with his insecurities about himself as he aged. He is overweight, receding hairline, gray hair, etc. He wanted a fantasy to make him forget that. Of course, he had to PAY for it! No one (except me) was giving it to him for free. I mean, He can pretend to himself that he’s in love but you can be damn sure those women were getting a financial benefit out of having sex with his sorry self.
Just reading this nice long thread. Thank you Trish, and everybody else, for writing about your experiences and feelings. I’d never head about Dr. M until I got here and hadn’t thought about actually going to see him until this thread. I think I might even have my hsa go just for the hope of making him a better father for my daughters when they become young women- hoping he might learn about his twisted Misogyny.
Trish I saw the wedding photos. Very beautiful photos and you look gorgeous. I laughed when reading your description of your overweight balding husband! Oh Goodness…Absolutely right. What we had was exactly what you say, an extended consultation. We bookended personal intensive with joint consultations so that first I felt safe for him to go, then to have debriefing and support afterwards. SA gets the damage and committed to sobriety, but so much damage done for so long I just don’t know. Dr. M didn’t let him off of ANYTHING, not one thing was minimized, and for me to be acknowledge that way has been very important. Both times were hard but good.
Thru consultation with my therapist it was felt that a “mini” disclosure needed to be done. This about who in our community I could run into who knew stuff. One reason we become isolated, right? (“Who else knows about this SHIT, and when will total ruin rain down on me!!!?) The partner needs to be the first to know not the last to know, and while painful, it slapped me into a reality I absolutely needed to have so that I could take steps to protect myself, socially, emotionally, healthwise, financially, etc. Concretely.
All of us have some things in common and not so much others. My decisions have been framed with my personal safety and stability in mind. For me that means staying and I am so glad I am not now being labeled you-know-what (I won’t even use the term) for doing that. Sisters are the greatest. Thanks for letting me share.
Just to answer Catherine’s questions – H says he will do anything to stay in this marriage – he is NOT GAY – he is bi and fucked up is facing his emotionally incestuous relationship with his sister and his mother and will do anything it takes to keep our marriage. I don’t know what that means but I will say that in the last 3 weeks our family sessions with my son in NYC – which have been done on skye – have been exceptional even though I am watching money leave my arteries as though I had stuck a knife in my fucking aorta – I am hopeful that Minwalla will help us both to be completely honest with each other and in particualr for him to face his own internalized homophobia which is really a whole other issue than SA, which from now on I am calling SC (sexual compulsivity). Today is my wedding anniversary – I bought myself a present:-) Actually the decision to go to CA has been a bit of a relief like I don’t have to try and explain anything to him anymore – I just need to be able to see the forest for the tress which is why I stay here on the board – we are actually meeting with out accountant today to do our taxes – how is that for coincidence, karma, serendipity or what? Having a good day today – you women are wonderful. I have a topic I want to bring up in a new thread which is all about our own vaginas so keep checking this page:-)
Meg- if it makes you feel any better, we have spent more than $250,000 in the last 18 months on therapy and divorce- and still have far to go. You aren’t alone in the hemorrhaging money. It is crazy the costs of dealing with this.
I hope you are doing okay with the anniversary, and I am glad you treated yourself.
And you cannot drop that kind of teaser and leave me hanging! I don’t ever remember a vagina thread!
Meg, your not going to make us get a mirror and look at ours are you? Remember Kathy Bates in ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’?
LOL 🙂
Last vagina thread I can recall was about Barbara’s SAH’s slut’s vagina’s uncanny resemblence to Willie Nelson.
I finally got a disclosure in August. I quit my jobs, left my home of 20 years and marriage of 30 years a week later. We are separated. He sees a psychologist every Friday. He does not do 12 step meetings, have a sponsor or go to intensives. He went back out to Minwalla in May for another 3 days on his own. I never heard much about it although he said it was productive. I still had to beg for the truth and the disclosure. Minwalla has consulted with his Dr. in NC. At this point I am choosing me and my life. I moved to the beach. I have a two bedroom apt. And I begin my new nursing job on January 6th.
I love my husband and I recognize that he is damaged from his childhood. I met him when I was 21 and I am now 54. I believe he loves me. He wants to get better. I believe that. Can he do it? I wouldn’t bet on it – at least at this point. I don’t trust him at all. I have agreed to start seeing him once a month. We call each other when we want to – not often. He is addicted to porn and masturbation. He says he has not looked once at porn since dday last November. Masturbation is still a problem. I think he said the longest he has been able to go is 3 1/2 weeks. Not sober according to the psychologist. He had one affair that lasted 4 months 13 years ago with a woman he worked with. He has broken my heart. Something has died in me. I have four amazing kids and somehow we will figure out how to remain a family even if we do not remain a couple. He asked me after the disclosure if there was any thing he could do to keep us together. I told him to choose himself, because I was going to choose myself. I could not direct his therapy, recovery, etc. He had to do the heavy lifting. I was done. The only lifting I am doing now is for myself. If I see real and lasting change, I will explore marriage therapy in the future. For now, I have a year lease and I am going to prove to myself that I can take care of my self, pay my own bills and live a wholehearted life without him in it. It is very hard. I miss my house, my stuff, and I miss him. But I will never, ever allow him to hurt me again. So for now I will watch what he does (not what he says) from a safe distance, and I will continue to reclaim my life.
I did attend the partner intensive out at ISH in June. It was very worthwhile. I learned a lot about myself and was empowered with words to describe what I had been feeling for the last 13 years. I felt validated and I met 5 amazing women that have forever changed my heart.
I first found porn 13 years ago. My husband did a quick stupid therapy program and said he was over it. I eventually believed him (took a few years). I never found anything to make me think otherwise until I caught him last November. So now I am dealing with everything I experienced all those years ago, plus the latest discovery and then disclosure. It has been a nightmare. I have so much more knowledge now, much more support and my children are adults. The therapy is better for both of us. I know it’s up to him to do the work (or not) and it’s up to me to take care of me. Not my kids or my siblings. So that is what I’m doing. I call it the Rediscover Trish Project. I am not worrying about the future right now. I am trying to be a day at a time. I have good days and I have lousy days. I have had weeks with more good than bad, and I still have weeks with more bad than good. It is not an easy journey, but I choose life, so each day is at least an opportunity for something good to happen. It doesn’t always, but it might, so I wake up with hope.Oh Trish, it was NOT rambling. I read your earlier post about how hard you are finding it. You have a wonderful ability to put your feelings into words so that the reader understands EXACTLY what you mean. You are a brave, brave woman. I hope this journey leads you where you need to be.
Big Hugs, Karen
Very interesting post. Glad you are choosing yourself Trish. It was interesting to read from 8 months ago to present day.
You are a strong woman. enjoy your life!BTW, my mom, who is one of only a few people very close to me who know about this fucking mess, asked me….what do you think would be worse? my husband having an affair for years, or months, or him acting out with 40 hookers over 5 years, no attachment, and only saw a few twice.
I was like….BOTH. Both have horrible terrible trauma for the spouse. The hookers are dirty and disgusting, and it means he just wanted something young, and new, different, each time. The affair would mean he could actually be in love or have an emotional attachment to the other woman. Both horrible.
Can anyone tell me how much the partner intensive is with Dr. M?SD, i would prefer the affair. the hardest part about this is the fact that through turing women into objects, my husband has turned himself into an unfeeling, lying freak of nature who has NO emotional capacity for empathy or real connection.
the affair would mean he betrayed me with i’m sure, tons of emotional damage, don’t get me wrong. but the hookers, lap dances, porn, following women, collecting women, means that he betrayed me and turned himself into a (polite and ‘oh so nice’) monster.
I had tons of both and no matter how you slice it – it all hurts an incredible amount. The relationships and affairs is what still haunts me most 1.5 years after d-day…
What hurts me the most is the way doc has treated my kids and me since dday. Accusing me of affairs and showing evidence to Bat, threatening to take Bat, offering as little support as he think he an legally get away with (no college, no spousal support, no health insurance, no money to finish Bat’s homeschooling), telling Bat that his pain has nothing to do with his father (and blaming me instead), spreading rumors about me around my community (saying I cheated and was physically abusive), and continuing to fool everyone about his recovery so that I have to catch him again. This all feels like a much worse betrayal than the sex and relationships.
What hurts me the most is all the lost years I put into a marriage with a non person…. I can’t get them back. I can’t have another first wedding, another baby, another “our song”, another planning a future, looking forward to weddings and grandchildren some day….
It hurts the most that I picked that fucking LOSER to be a father to my children. ….I wonder sometimes if I was brain dead for 20 years. Then I stop and remember what great liars they are and know that he fooled everyone.
I agree Bev. However, I love my two kids…and I wouldn’t have them if I didn’t marry him. So that is my gift.
We weren’t brain dead….we were just fooled by manipulators and really good liars. Because no one who knows him, would ever believe he is capable of what he did. No one. So it wasn’t like I was in some denial, and people were whispering, why is she with him???
Not our fault.
That is really, really scary. I mat my husband 3 years ago. He told me he had problem with watching porn, I wouldn’t have found out. He was trying to stop, he really doesn’t want to do it. But he wants to stop on his own, but he is not able to do it on his own. I married him almost 2 years ago, I didn’t realize how big the problem was. I still believe he never cheated on me physically, but you know, they all say that. I want to find out and will try to do the polygraf test.
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