- This topic has 15 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Several of you have mentioned that your husbands attended the Minwalla Intensive for SA’s. I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Minwalla last Wed (for 51 minutes!)and he told me about an upcoming intensive for addicts that was 4 days long. It was a trauma model workshop where the 1st day is spent learning about the trauma model and the next 3 days were intense reflecting and learning more about the trauma. Is this what your husbands attended or are there other intensives. He said it was $600/day. My SAH has expressed interest in going but if we spend the money – I want it to be for the best intensive offered. Insights welcome. Thanks!
Hi, trish.. It sounds like the same one my SA is going to, Dec 15-18. He previously went to a one-day seminar with Minwalla that sounds like it was really good. I think it’ll be worth the money. Though of course the acid test is whether or not these guys can keep the information in their heads and make it stick. I hope he’ll also delve into the personality disorders underlying this stuff. xoxo
Maybe Minwalla will do an SOS group discount? We can send all our SAs on Dec. 15. LOL.
My friend’s SA (he’s had several relapses) went to Minwalla last month and he said it’s the best thing he’s done (he went to various groups, etc). He’s a psychiatrist. Now all the guys Skype every week – so they have their own virtual group.
I think that Bev’s SA had a customized intensive on his own. Minwalla will do that, too. My friend and her SA did a few days of customized sessions with Minwalla, too.
Deb
Mine went for 2 weeks. It took a week for Doc M to really get thru to him. He needed 2 weeks ..maybe more… I do know that my H agreed to 1 week and deb kept telling me that it was supposed to be for 2. Any way, Minwalla called me at the end of the first week and took a history and asked if it was ok with me to keep him another week….
Interesting, I could probably get my SAH to agree to 4-day intensive…if it comes to that. I can’t bring it up now b/c he’s “doing everything” he can. “Honey, I don’t know what else you want me to do?” Umm…that’s up to you to figure out and not for me to tell you.
Anyway, my plan (for now) is that after the holidays, I will tell him I want to seperate (as I’m learning from you gals, with most SAHs, this seems to be a big fear for him). If he wants any hope of us reconcilling, he has to go to an intensive. But honestly, I think I’m over him – intensive or not. I keep reading your posts, Bev, and I admire you so much for doing it for the kids and your realistic sense of caution. I’m so tired of the not knowing that even with an intensive, I’m not sure I can handle that lack of certainty anymore.
I don’t know that I can either FC. I really don’t. I was making myself crazier trying to answer that so I decided to not worry about it for awhile.
Minwalla was a blessing even if my marriage fails. I know that he is capable of being good ( so I don’t have to wonder). I know that he can be a father.
Stacy ( annabegins) doesn’t post often anymore but I have learned a lot from her. She is ahead of me ( time wise) and she does not know if she can live with her H or not. She is right now for finances and the kids….
Just take it one day at a time and be kind with yourself. No one can make you make a decision right now and no one can make you stick with that decision. You will know what to do when it is time.
That “what else do you want me to do?” shit would get him a one way ticket OUT. It’s fine to wait out the Holidays 🙂
I told mine in March when I kicked him out that I was fresh out of ideas and tired of doing all the thinking and problem solving. It was his turn. I turned my back on him while he got back to the counselor, got back into group and decided to go to bible church with his folks each week.
When you kick him out, only have a game plan for YOU and your kids. Let him figure out his own shit for awhile as you sit back and pour yourself a glass of wine in your sa free home the day he leaves.
Oh and by the way, don’t be there when he’s packing and leaving or have his shit packed for him to get off the porch. It’s MUCH easier on YOU this way……trust me……..I did it like this both times I kicked him out-I refused to come home until he was gone and I gave him a time frame to be gone or I was coming home with the police.
Worked like a charm each time….
and btw, “I’m doing everything I can think to do” is code for “I’m doing the bare minimum here while giving the appearance I’m digging deeper than I’m capable of digging or willing to dig.”
Just keep that in mind always…………
I’m taking a hostage if I hear that phrase out of my h’s mouth again! 😉
Mine’s favorite saying is “I can’t prove a negative” (meaning, I can’t prove that I’m not doing something). Whatever! I brought up Minwalla last night and his main beef was that it was in California and we live in VA! Honestly, he’s so deep in denial that I think if it were next door, he’d have a reason why it wasn’t right for him.
The Foundry Group in Beverly Hills has a great 5 day intensive also. Omar Minwalla is amazing too. Either one is just great. Bev, do you mind, how did Omar know he needed another week. I’ve heard this a lot from other cosa sisters, they think one week, but a director calls and says two, they think two, a director meets with the wife and says three, one womans h had to stay six weeks instead of four….
From what I know, Doc M tries very hard to “let them figure out a lot of their own shit”. Sort of lets them hang themselves with their own pitiful lies and excuses. It takes awhile for them to run out of those. He knows they need to stay because they still show signs of denial, gaslighting..etc… He did call and ask me if it was ok and filled me in on what my H was saying/doing. He got a full history from me so he could compare it to what he was being told by H.
Shit, four to six weeks there?! Damn I think I’d have to say just keep him for good if he’s that fucked up! 😉
They delve deep into all the issues. It is intense. They do the whole psychological evals too. They really are that fucked up to have been doing this shit their whole lives….I think they should stay a year!!!
Trish – it seems like you have a lot of leverage right now. His balls are in the vice – so while you are strong and your kids are standing behind you – go for the intensive requirement with Minwalla. He can do a 4 day one to start if his business won’t allow it. I think there is one coming up in 2 weeks. I really wish that I would have done that. I could have gotten him there – but his god damned therapist got in the way (fuck her!).
You have the power right now even if it doesn’t seem that way as you lie in your bed have awake. You go girl!!! Lynn will help you tonight. We are all behind you.
Deb
In fact, Trish, tell him that Minwalla has to do the poly……tell him it’s that – or you are gone – adios! He is just playing you right now.
Or you can always wait until he flunks the poly (hopefully he does). At any rate – he is a huge NARC no matter what he did.
I’d say go for the whole enchilada – that is IF you want to possibly save the marriage. Otherwise, I’d let him move to NARC island.
Deb
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.