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I know we all have them. I am having yet another.
Yesterday finally told a kinda close friend that me and the h are getting divorced. I commented about the money situation and the h’s lack of effort. Did not comment on the addiction, but i did hint that there was more than just the money issue.
She started talking about how her h has had a bout with depression in the past, and was admitted to the hospital etc. She supported him, and they are still together. That marriages have their ups and downs. He is better now and on meds. I guess his family commended her for staying and seeing it through. but her thoughts were if your h gets cancer you don;t leave them…its a sickness.
However implied its like saying this addiction is a sickness as well. But with addiction sinckess and even with drepression if they do not get help and take the proper course of treatement and therapy…life will be hell. This is not anything I have not thought about before, beleive me. That is why I stayed with the h for so long. We even had this conversation in the past. Talking exactly about this. i was saying that I will support him and stay by his side. etc. etc. And just exactly that comment that if he had cancer i would stick by him. And he said What if they knew that they had cancer and did not tell you?
In other words what if they knew they had an addiction and did not tell you. And this is when I realized that he took my choice away from me. That he purposely did not tell and already knew.
Anyway tough day. Its hard when people do not understand, and you have to feel like an ass wanting more for yourself and a better life free of a sex addict. And that you do not want to give your life to sex addiction and this disease. I don’t think any decisions are really ever that simple, and most people do not understand the depth of this disease; or what it looks liek to be in a relationship with one.
Ugh. Anyway happy memorial day weekend, translation happy three day weekend!!
Love Flora
(((hugs))) Flora and I’m so sorry that you are feeling badly. Oh God… let me tell you something. I have not one, but TWO children that when they were little looked perfectly normal but behaved like wild, uncontrollable animals. (AD/HD and autism) People stared, admonished– one woman even slapped my older AD/HD son. I lost friends and couldn’t make new ones or was afraid to after a while. These are neurological disorders and let me tell you, its HELL to live with, and there’s still so much stigma and my fervent hope is that one day, everyone will be able to talk freely about them as if its no different than diabetes, heart disease, or cancer. Its just in the brain.
As for your hub… okay… He also VOWED to love and to cherish–FORSAKING ALL OTHERS and YES, he took your choice away from you!!!
I would say this marriage contract is null and void. He’s an abusive prick and who needs to live the rest of their lives like that, if he won’t change?
That is wholly different from having cancer or even a bout with depression. My husband has depression and so do I, for that matter. And you don’t need to explain or apologize or feel one ounce of guilt that you did everything in your power to save the marriage. Or, if you feel comfortable, tell her the truth. You might be surprised… (in a good way)
It is impossible in most cases to hang on, unless one wants to join the party or look the other way, unless he gets the help. And even then, its very dicey.
Feel well dear Flora. You are doing the right thing for you and its not selfish. Its life preserving! Please do something nice for yourself. You’re a beautiful, kind, loving, giving woman and deserve to be happy.
Love,
L
Hi Flora,
She isn’t married to an SA, she doesn’t know any better. There was a time in my life when I would have believed and said exactly what she did…but that was before SA affected my life and the lives of my children. Take it with the proverbial grain of salt, but any real support has to come from the sisters in the trenches. Love you,
MarieHi Flora,
I hope you feel better too. I agree with Lexie. I don’t know if this is right or wrong, I tell people about my husbands sex addiction. I don’t hide it anymore. If I’m talking with a friend, I tell them why we are divorcing and how he led this secret life our whole marriage. Everyone has been supportive and say they couldn’t stay in the marriage either. It really paints the true picture of who he is a no good………..(fill in the blank). I also say I was married to him for 25 years and I can honestly say I don’t know who he is. I’m not covering his as* anymore.Lexie, I know what you mean about brain diseases. It’s sad no one recognizes the brain as a major organ, just like the heart, kidneys, liver, ect. Instead of symptoms being high blood pressure, brain disease symptoms are behavior. For some reason, people run from this and are not compassionate. When my daughter had her brain disease, she lost all her friends she had from kindergarten on. We lost all our friends too. In fact, when I would see them at the grocery store and they would turn their heads and walk away. I knew these people from the time my daughter was 5 yrs old. She just turned 13 when she became ill. My family, one brother is a pediatrician, never called to see how we were or anything. no support whatsoever. If she had cancer it would have been a whole different story. I have a special place in my heart for people with brain diseases because not only do they suffer from the illness but they suffer by society. An ignorant and arrogant society.
Dear Flora,
I’m very slowly telling my story. The “slow” part is because of other fears I have around dealing with the fall-out and financial implications. I want my sons through school first with my husband’s share of the cost.But also it’s hard to only tell part of the story, because good friends don’t have the chance to respond the way they might. Even so, we can’t expect everyone to know what the best response is. SA is still very new in pubic [don’t you just love that spelling mistakes—I’m leaving it in] currency, and most of what they may hear is the debate about whether it actually is an addiction etc.—all of which sidetracks them off of what your life is exactly like—no matter what “experts” decide to call it. It is a shocking piece of news, as well, and one most people aren’t expecting you to tell them.
I just brought a new person into the “knowing circle” and was glad to receive her love and support, and her willingness to learn about it. But sometimes we can be disappointed too. It can be too much.
Everyone in my family (SA and two sons) had ADD. I know what it’s like to try desperately to get help and assessments etc. and to be blamed by those same professionals for the behaviour of all three. Yes, I was. I tried in three different provinces to get help, and finally got it here—with a pediatrician who specializes in teenage boys. And as my SA (as yet undiagnosed) sat listening to the Doctor’s description of what our sons were experiencing and why—my SA stopped him and said “wait, you are describing my whole life”. So then he was diagnosed. For a while all three were taking the same meds, and it became a bonding piece for the three of them. They shared insights about the meds etc. And my life went from coming home to a zoo with no enclosures, to an organized theme park. The relief was unbelievable. Layers of stress fell away from my life. The boys grades went from 32 to 92 in two weeks, and their friendships lasted longer. In fact, many years later, they still have the same friends from the year they started with their meds. They learned to “unlearn” coping mechanisms and “relearn” neglected tools—and all three of them now use half or less of the dosage they started on. One did end up switching the particular drug. They have it down to an art form. This year was the first year they both did really well at their post-secondary stuff, and their pride in themselves at working it through is wonderful. But let me tell you, being the only one in the family who could get from A to B in a straight line, wasn’t much fun. And the unkind criticisms of people were also hard to to take. A few times I nearly gave up completely. And near the end, I was a mess. But I also learned to know within a few minutes in a room, who were the parents whose children struggled. There is a special kind of pain on a parent’s face.
And of course, not only was my H. ADD, he turned out to be an SA. So I really feel I’ve done my 10 tours of duties in this family. I need some R&R. And maybe that’s why I urge women to step out or away from the crazy to get their bearings. I have some experience with the trenches.
Lexie, you are doing the best you can. And you did the best you could. Same with you, Flora. Same with all of us. We haven’t done it perfectly or without mistakes, but we offered all we had.
love,
D.Dang, Flora! I HATE it when you are sad!!! You are soooo together and so smart and an all around cool chick that I truly wish I
Could hang out with!! You always take the time to thoughtfully comment on all of our posts and you have excellent advice! You were a Super wife and you are a super Mom, and you have your good job and you are always reading great books, when the hell do you sleep sister?? You have so much going for you!!! I hate it that SA and all of it’s entourage brings you down, but I understand!! It happens to all of us! It is such a sick and twisted addiction, disease, whatever you want to call it! I bet if you told that friend the whole truth PLUS everything you have learned about SA, she would have had such a different reaction!
I know how much you loved your husband, and if that lazy ass would have just shown a LITTLE effort, I think you would have been willing to TRY! But he didn’t and now you’re done, bot matter how painful it is and IT IS!!!!! I am pretty sure I will be going through something similar in the near future, because Im pretty sure he is going to BEG me not to go thru with this and probably even admit his problem and swear to get help, etc. Ugh!! It’s easier when they are being assholes, if you ask me!!
Hang in there sister!! I LOVE YOU!!!! Full speed ahead……PS: Diane- I always hang on your every word!!! You are so smart and insightful and an excellent writer! Thank you for being YOU! Your SA is an idiot to ever do this to you! (as all of ours are)
Good luck to the kids education! Are they in college? My (only) son just graduated from Purdue and is heading back up for another four years to earn his doctorate in Pharmacy! Yay!! Knowing what A great kid I raised despite all the SA nonsense is sometimes the ONLY thing that keeps me sane!!
Much love to you!! XO!!Hi All,
Thank you sooo much. Your posts brought tears to my eyes.
Maybe i should consider leaking the actually secret reason…the sex addiction. Nap you are brave with that one. Close family knows, but no one else.Funny about the ADD discussion. My H is ADD as well. He was diagnosed in elementary school and he and his parents (according to him) decided at that point to not go the route of any type pf persciprtion drugs. Now he smoked pot heavily starting in junior high and also is a sex addict, how did that route go for him. It makes my blood boil because even to this day, he acknowledges it, but will not get treatment. I thinks he likes it that way, he likes to resist and he likes me to be frustrated at him. It is a neverending battle with the exsah.
again Thank You all. Just I geuss part of the steps we all have to take. Love you guys!!Flora
Yes– its true… children with ADD or AD/HD (with hyperactivity) who go undiagnosed and/or untreated in CHILDHOOD, stand a greater chance of becoming substance abusers than in children who were treated with psycbo-pharmaceutical (say that ten times fast) medication to alleviate symptoms and to make for greater brain functioning. Children with ADD have very rough lives with bouts of failure in school, failed relationships, with peers and at home, getting into trouble– in other words– Its a massive hit to a child’s self esteem, over and over and over, unless its treated through appropriate behavior modification techniques and often with prescription medications.
Some parents have the erroneous idea that this means DRUGGING their children and it freaks them out too much and so refuse to do it. Its not drugging one’s child any more than giving a diabetic child insulin is. The meds help the brain to function NORMALLY. I am so grateful for methylphenidate (ritalin/concerta). It gave us back our child. And yeah… it was still difficult, but it was manageable.
Untreated, the child often turns towards self-medication (and sometimes even before puberty hits) which often includes, alcohol, pot (and harder stuff) and sex. Of course, even WITH meds, this may still happen, but statistically it happens less often.
A lot of SAs have ADD and other neurological disorders. I believe that those disorders need to be treated as well…
very tough. xo ~ L
I feel your pain, Flora. I’ve been there. You seem to know your decision is right for you. But so so so sad. Trust me, it looks different from the other side. I am a year out from divorce, and the more time that goes by, the more certain I am of my choice. The sickness looks worse and more twisted the farther you get away from it. There is a whole healthy world out here.
Polly
Polly – I think that is what made my mind up for me -” the sickness looks worse and more twisted the farther you get away from it.” This last separation from Steve has opened my eyes that there is a whole healthy world out there. He looks more “twisted” the longer I am seeing him.
Lexie – I think you asked what D-Day is for me. It is either divorce or legal separation. The jury is still out on which to choose.ADD…my H’s therapist says he believes he is ADD and has always been. I surely can see it in the way his family treats him (they can be so cruel), and the way he struggles every day. He’s very bright and successful at whatever he’s able to focus his energies on, but also finds it very difficult to stay the path. I think it is almost a relief for him to hear this as he’s always known but no one has ever named it for him. He has adapted his way of dealing with life. I’ve always suspected this for him, but of course when the SA entered the picture, it was not something he could even begin to think about until now.
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