- This topic has 24 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Not all for sure, however many of these men are morally bankrupt to do what they do. They have no center. The ones I’m speaking of have deep deep character flaws. They are not going to transform into what we expect them to be unless they, on their very own want to turn their life around. To do that they would have to peel away all the defense mechanisms they have developed over the years. Many don’t think it’s really a problem, an easy way to avoid all the hard work.
Therefore, the real question is: Is this what I want to live with for the rest of my life? Because if they aren’t serious, we know it’s more of the same.
No eblaster, no long late night one sided discussions, no sleeping in separate rooms is going to change the SA I’ve described. Everyone deserves a chance but for how long? How many times do we let ourselves get knocked down by the men I’m speaking of before we hold our hand out and say “Stop, no more, I’m not letting or allowing you to do this to me anymore”.
i am so stuck not sure what is up or down. i know everything you say is so yet i go crazy trying to do it. i dont even think i can love him anymore.
Probably until the fear of losing ourselves outweighs the fear of losing them or we man up to whatever we are afraid of facing once we take the focus off of them?
For me it was the pain i knew i would feel if he did it that one more time…and i knew that i would be done..an quite possibly be myself beyond repair. So i figured why wait, ya know he is gonna do it. You might as well bail now and save yourself and the kids from further damage. Create a safe place for you now, and who cares what everyone else thinks. And that is what i did. Right now i am repairable with time, but i feared the damage caused by another failure on his part…and the time and effort i had put in…not to metion lost time in my life. You only get one!!!
Not to metion fear of what would/could happen with the kids. A sex addict in a home with kids/and young kids cannot be trusted. Who wants to live this way??
Flora
Dear NAP.
Right on. Tried all of the above. Seperate rooms. boundary setting, money controls. all thwarted and broken. It never or hardly stopped. bad to worse for me. But the final frontier was his episodes of violent behavior. that was enough for me to say. Ok, stop the camera’s, show is over.
I mean we can hope that a stage 4 pancreatic cancer patient is going to get well also. But what are the odds? Some of these SA’s are TERMINALLY ADDICTED. Stage 4. Treatment can slow the growth but they will never be cancer free/addiction free.
I think everyone has to come to their own ENOUGH point. where you know that you know, they are not going to be on board. And you are left with that hard place — life with an active SA and more of the same BS on and off. Or a divorce. Both suck. Both are places we do not want to be. so we continue peddling on the bike headed to no where, hoping that if we work our asses off, somehow, it will get better and we will get somewhere different. Meanwhile. they are in the back office mast to the newest porn or sexting some chick they met at a bar.
everyone will find the tolerance level. i Never, and I mean never, thought I would be divorcing. never.
yet here i go over the cliff. like thelma and louise…
NAP – I love your post. I’ve been asking myself the same thing. What will it take? What am I afraid of? Very important questions.
Here’s what I’m afraid of:
1) Being alone the rest of my life (like my mom – who keeps reminding me that I’m not getting any younger – or like my divorced friends who seem lonely).
2) I’m afraid that he’ll suddenly become a healed person and that some other woman will reap the benefits of a healthy, charming man (OK – with a sordid past).
3) I’m afraid that I’ll have to admit that he isn’t who I thought he was and that the last 25 years of my life was a fraud.
4) That I will never leave the patio and will babble and cry out there forever.
5) That he will become Super Dad and Super Husband with some wonderful new wife, while I become a cat lady.
6) That it REALLY was all my fault.
So – I guess it boils down to fear of abandonment and being alone, with a smattering of unhealthy self-esteem issues. I can get over that…..just give me a few friendly cats/dogs and a blow up George Clooney doll and I’m all set.
And – what will it take? I obviously have a HIGH tolerance level for abuse…..but I think that life is like a scale – when the pain gets too unbearable, then we bail. Everyone has a different tolerance level for pain – I’d say that I’m just about there. E-blaster will be my savior (I hope) and show me the way. I was there in Sept. when I found a text from his “friend” during our summer of love – but he talked his way out of it. Now that I’m savvy, it won’t be that easy. Awareness is the first step.
I think that I’ll also get there when I realize that no matter what, there is no way for trust to be re-built. Right now the only thing that is giving me any hope is the promise of recovery – but that seems to be elusive.
In many ways, I view our marriage as being on life support (like his baby nephew) right now. All I need to do is pull the plug….
The reason I know that I’m getting very close to pulling the plug is that my respect for him is fading fast. Once respect and trust are gone, then love fades fast, too.
My therapist told me today that it’s too early to tell because I’m not my whole self yet….that once I’m there, with a job that I like and feel fulfilled in, and I’m in touch with who I am, then I can look at him and see if I like what I see. So – I’m a “work in progress”. Hard to do when the grenades keep getting thrown my way – but I’m going to start putting up the shield.
Hi Deb. I share all of your points as well. I have those moments too. All I can say is, when it gets bad enough, even those fears won’t stop you. It got that bad for me.
here are some thoughts:
1. being alone. women normally out live men. you will likely end up alone any way. most do.2. if he does have some miraculous recovery, i would question its validity based on your time with him. You know what– IF they do find a REAL recovery? their first obligation should be to reconcile with their wives. they owe us that.
If they just move on to another person. I have to question how deep that recovery is. they are likely just smokescreening the appearance of “all better now.” If they were better, they would try to heal you.
3 well we have to admit they were fraudulent whether we stay or go. our lives weren’t a waste. much was accomplished. but it was predicated on lies, much of it. either way we swallow that nasty pill
4. well, Deb. I will join you on the patio. Sharron used to be a psych nurse– perhaps she will wipe our drool? π yes. we may be on the patio awhile.
5. cats are great companions. and they don’t have sa. still a better choice than being with a jackass.
6. well, the fault thing is a battle. but clarity and time, I think we will see what is us, what is them. even if we had shortcomngs as wives’—really? it warrants them acting like they do? really? c’mon.
just food for thought.the fear stopped me a long time. it got so bad not even my fear could hold me back anymore. But you will reach your own decision in your time Deb.
I posted a year ago that I had decided to say and work on things. that I was committed. and I was. but I have since had to take an alternate route. sad, but it just is Deb. you will know, when you know.
people used to tell me that. i did not believe. and then one day. It’s different. that’s all I can say.
He may a fool another for awhile, or want it to seem like he is suddenly a model man. I mean, I doubt it. All I can say is, I honestly wish the next person “my best wishes and good luck.” let them deal with my whackadoo soon to be ex.
Deb, your list of things are exactly mine also. I keep wondering what I would have done if this had all come out a couple of decades ago..or even a decade ago, when I had more energy, and didn’t feel like a lifeless slug most of the time. Because now, being a lot older, the fear of being alone and of having all those years be a total waste and fraud.. it’s really really scary to contemplate. xoxo
I love what everyone has posted. I think we leave when we just get tired of it. That time is different for each but basically we’re just tired of the whole ball of wax.
After that point comes a transformation and it’s positive with such releif and freedom from it all. We get to nurture ourselves again and it feels good.
NAP: you are absolutely right those creatures are so morally corrupted, I donβt buy that sexual addiction thing, I think the bottom line is that they are creepy bunch of idiots who are so insecure and so broken, looking to gain security by seeking ultimate control and domination, they seek to fix their brokenness by gluing themselves to us, the healthy women, I donβt think that they will ever be repaired I donβt think that they will ever recover, because it is a choice they had made to operate in life with no morals what so ever, it is not just some weird faceless power that drive them into doing what they are doing, but it is their own choice it is all intentional, they do it while they are totally awake they donβt do it in their sleep.
so I truly donβt think that my h will ever recover but what keeps me there is rage, I am so outraged and furious by what he has done, I am so pained by what he had done to me over our years of marriage, I want now justice I want him to be punished and severely for that matter, and divorce is just an easy way out for him and as such I am not divorcing him yet.Dear Deb and Pam..I LOVE both your posts. All so very true and a topic we should all spend so much more time on and less time on why they are such assholes.
Dear Harmony,
You are totally me 8 years back. You just made me laugh out loud because I had the same logic. Divorce was too easy for him and I was going to make him pay…and I did. I brought a whole new level to the reaction of a woman scorned. I wanted revenge, I wanted him dead, I wanted my youth back and my life to do over again. I was obsessed, enraged and relentless. It was a miserable way to live. I got sick with all sorts of illnesses including cancer. I became isolated, I couldn’t think of anything else, I had to endure more abuse because I couldn’t let myself leave because I couldn’t let him win. It was exactly like the old saying…revenge is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person will die. Did I wear him down? I sure did. But I got wore down in the process and I didn’t get my life back and I never felt I had won and I still do not feel vindicated. My biggest regret in all of this is that I didn’t do what I always said I would do if a man even cheated on me once. Just walk away with no discussion. I was 46 when I found out the bare minimum of his behavior. I am 54 now. I now only have 8 more years to add to the 19, I had already given him? Think hard before you choose that path Harmony, because he will never pay the price you do. Why? Because he will never be capable fo feeling the way you do and that will afford him some protection. There is alot of wisdom in that saying, “The best revenge is living well” and the circle of life will always deliver what they deserve…with or without us helping it along. π I don’t expect you to listen to a word I say. I wouldn’t have. We all walk our own path I guess. Karen xI’m on the patio now because I cannot stand to be in my own house. I am thankful the weather is nice because I may be out here awhile. I am still so new to this but I truly want to thank all of you for sharing so honestly. You are all a blessing to me right now.
Yes Bev…I am sure you feel as if you are in the twilight zone. Thank God you are here. You may be on the patio but you are not alone. We are right there with you…on the patio or on the moon. We have your back and you have ours. When you have been stabbed in the back by the one who should protect you…a rear guard is very important. π
Hang in there, karen xxKaren!! You are soooo awesome!! Living well is the best revenge!!! I LOVE it!! Harmony- listen to this wise soul!! Her way is so much better!!! (Not that she follows her own advice) π
LADIES- do NOT and I repeat- DO NOT be afraid of the patio!! That’s where it all started for me!! (one whole summer- practically slept out there!!) and look at me now! Not perfect by any means- but well on my way to happiness and peace!! (and a damn fine new BF who is great in the sack!) I know, might not sound so appealing NOW, but believe it when I say- once you rediscover that sex can be a beautiful, wonderful, thing- AGAIN, you will wonder what took you so long!!!!
The patio is for reflecting, for healing, for hurting, for grieving, for those of us who are frozen and can’t make a decision about what’s for supper, let alone what am I gonna do with my life!!??! The patio will give you much needed clarity, the answers you’ve been looking for, the peace you so desperately need! You will feel the fear on the patio!! You will go through all the stages of grief on the patio!! But that patio will save your life! One day, you will get out of that lounge chair and get on with YOUR LIFE!!
Perhaps I should send JoAnn a picture of the patio to post?? Just for a little inspiration!!! XO!!!
Thank you SL ξξ
I can breathe on the patio! I can’t seem to anywhere else. And I certainly cannot decide what’s for dinner, put the laundry in the dryer ( have washed the same load 3tumes now), or much of anything… My patio is peaceful. Comfy chairs, big umbrella, a goldfish pond, and mydogs can sit with me…. I hope to find some answers out here too.I was thinking of your sl when the patio part came up ~ and it worked for you! It is important to eat when you sit on the patio though! shoot – next time!
I don’t picture myself out there with other guys though. I think my h has destroyed that part of me. He treated me as ugly and disgusting for a lot of years. Not blatantly, just pinched face and ewww looks, etc. I hope I can get me back, if not I will live vicariously through you silver!
Heidi – you WILL get it back. Just sit on the patio and let your imagine run wild…..think of your life before your SAH……dream……what do you see? BTW, for me, my patio is the beach where I go and stare at the ocean, or I imagine myself floating in a warm pool in Bermuda at night, looking at the stars.
SL, can I substitute my recliner and fleece blankie for a patio? π Because I think my butt has mind-melded to it, and it’s where i feel safe.
Yes!!! π Comfy chair and blankie will work!! Safe zone is what we’re looking for!! Mine happened to BE the patio- but let your patio be anything you need it to be!! Your own personal safe haven!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! XO!
I wonder if a hotel room will work like a patio?? I LOVE your description SL. I remember you sitting out there and saying you were frozen and now look at you. A dope smoking, sex fiend. Want to trade lives? lol I love you SL xx
CAN WE QUIT CALLING IT DOPE, old timers????
Make that a Weed smoking, TRAVELING, sex fiend, with a shopping twist and an appreciation for good coffee and piece of chocolate (or four)……
Not a bad gig, now that ya’all mention it. (I’m trying out my new Holler accent, lol….)
Who wouldn’t wanna be ME???
Ha!!! JK ladies…. But it’s fun to talk about…. Even if you are making fun of me…… NAP!!!!!! π
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.