Moving Forward: Creating Intimacy with your SA

We’re not that close yet, but the time will come. Right now we have been hugging, short little kisses, and for the first time in 2 and 1/2 years I finally said “I love you, too”. I know it sounds very slow and stupid, but it’s taken such a long time to get to this point and I can’t make any promises on how long it will be before we even sleep in the same bed together. I’m taking my time with my emotions and he has agreed to let me do that. He’s not pushing me at all and he is still working his program and showing very good progress. Our six year wedding anniversary is this Saturday. We are retired, although he still has to work to make ends meet. Our kids are grown and gone.

Hope this helps.

Claire

I wish I could give you something hurtandconfused. But in a strange way I understand. Last night I had a dream and my ex came towards me and I could see every detail of his face, even the smell of him (married 32 years) and I became terror stricken. He tried to kiss me and hold me I was completely panicked and trying to back away. And then it would start again–he would come toward me and I would try and get away. Finally I woke up. It wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. I never really imagined what it would be like to be close physically again, and there it was happening in my dream and I couldn’t stand it. I was afraid of him.

I think there is book written about “restarting” the sexual relationship with an SA/compulsive. But I think I don’t like the other writings of the author for some reason. I’ll try and and locate the name and title in case it works for you.

I just want to clarify..Are you talking about sexual intimacy or emotional intimacy?

I don’t want either with Larry–ever.

I feel so much better that way. ~ JoAnn

Fate brought me to this post tonight as today my husband wanted me to “deep throat” him today when I got home from work…turns out thats what he was watching online before I got home. I made an excuse and left the room. I have seen so much crap this week that I’m not sure when I’m going to let him touch me. He has no idea that I felt like slapping him.

ohhhh gross i am sorry. i agree with Daisy. he is substituting you as part of his addiction. you were right to walk away, kat. sorry to hear this, i know how painful it is.

I din’t have a problem as I thought it was an occasional thing soft porn as my counselor puts it…and not crazy stuff. I am rethinking it my head is spinning…I am sure he has done this before I just didn’t know it.

After my SAH came home from residential treatment, we were told to refrain from genital touching/contact for 90 days. Instead we were to focus on intimate touching in a non-sexual way. It was actually pretty powerful for both of us. Unfortunately we didnt last anywhere near 90 days, and physical intimacy hasnt been an issue for me, since my SAH has committed to transparency, my boundaries, and a strict treatment regimen.

Emotional intimacy is something that is extremely hard for both of us. However, since treatment my SAH has been way more available emotionally than I could ever be. He wants to check in, to talk, to process so much – he suggested yoga together, meditation, etc…now I mentioned once before that he is so “touchy-feely” now that if he tries to get me to go into the mountains with spandex and crystals I am so done..,. 🙂

It’s me who isnt ready to become emotionally intimate right now…

kat,

your reaction is entirely justified! good instincts on that one! walking away, IMO, is the best reaction for these guys in most cases. i.e. give them no reaction, keep your self safe by removing yourself.

keep following those instincts and listening to your gut and feelings. they will protect you.. love, lisa

I think that creating intimacy with your SA is a difficult task because most of them are SA’s because they fear intimacy. They go to hookers, fantasy girls, grannies, trannies and fannies because they don’t want to get too close to anyone. Many talk about how they don’t want to feel “trapped” (childhood stuff).

So – it’s like trying to have intimacy with someone who is phobic. I’ve heard that it has to be slow….like what Claire is doing. Like rebuilding the relationship from scratch. Geeezzzz….I don’t know if I have the stamina for that. I had a dream last night that I wanted to have an affair with a hottie – but I was afraid that my SAH would find out. I so wanted the hottie…..but the guilt was killing me. Interesting…

Deb

lisacay, thank you for your comment and encouragement.

It’s difficult sometimes to talk about how well things are going with my h and I when so many of the ladies are leaving or still on the fence, leaning toward leaving.

I’m sure some of you think I’m crazy for staying, but every situation is different and I believe ours can and will work out and I have the time to give to it so why not give it a shot.

Even if it didn’t work out, I don’t plan on ever getting married again and it won’t be wasted time because he and I are very close, like best friends, and I will always cherish the memories we are making.

Thanks again for your support and kind words.

Much love, Claire

I can’t help but notice that the two SAH’s that are doing well are the ones that Dr. Minwalla worked with……Claire’s SAH and Bev’s. And Barbra’s as well. It seems that intensive can be very beneficial (if done for the right reason vs. for the court battle).

Deb