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I myself would never want a relationship where I had to ‘monitor’ him 24/7. Especially for the long haul. If he could not keep his penis where it belongs, then I don’t want him and I certainly wouldn’t want to devote my time and life to monitoring his ass. How fulfilling of a relationship is that??? And you still wouldn’t know for sure because many of these guys are pretty ‘slick’. They have been lying and faking it their whole lives.
Teenagers, an apt description Teri. For the most part, their emotional maturity seems to have come screeching to a halt at around age 13 or so.
So – the choices are limited: 1) Have blind faith that they aren’t screwing around, 2) Monitor their activities covertly or 3) Leave them.
Please tell me there is a better fourth choice….
Deb
Deb, That is why I would go with a polygraph IF I decided to really stay long term and put real work in the relationship. I could not possibly put true work in the relationship and focus on all that would be necessary to build a partnership while checking his computer use daily ( or whatever).
A poly would NOT be perfect but it would be every 6 months ( or whatever you decided) and you would be able to focus on other things in between times….
Sorry, I don`t see a better answer ..
Hi sorry everyone, I couldn’t figure out how to reply to my own topic. When I talk about intimacy, it all goes hand in hand. If you are truly intimate with a person, you are intimate emotionally, sexually, spiritually, socially, mentally, etc….. Thank you for the new book ideas, I have ready many now and in a way feel like I am in the 7th year of recovery verses the 1st. I really dealt with many of these emotions at the first discovery of his affair that started nine years ago with my actual admitted by him confrontation 7 years ago. He only admitted to the addiction this year because he thought he could control it himself. Now that he knows he can’t he has been insatiable at getting the help he needs and being very patient and understanding. I need to read all of your reply’s and then I will post some more.
cbslife
Claire, At this point I am staying with my SAAH for now as well, but I tell him all the time that it doesn’t mean that I will stay forever. I need to see progress and transparency in a way that is comfortable for me. Unfortunately for me, my SAAH always told half-truths or should I say half-lies. I think I like that better. He would tell me where he was going and what he was doing minus the actual sex and the actual participant. Now I’m very clear to ask him who he is with and meet everyone in our lives including people at work. I also track his phone when I’m uncomfortable. He know I do it and understands that it brings me peace.
There is only one individual in our past that is going to be extremely difficult to process and that is my SAAH’s cousin/best friend’s wife (my SAAH was the best man at their wedding). They had even what my SAAH calls uncomfortable sex less than a week before they she was married. She actually aggressively seduced him, not that it took that much coaxing, and I believe a few other men in her life. I’m still not sure how to approach her and deal with the situation since they will be in our lives forever and we will see them for every holiday, etc. Do I tell the cousin, that I admire dearly that his wife is a hore? Do I let her know that I know? How much harm will come to the rest of the family? How much harm will come to me, my kids or my family if I bring it into the open? Who to tell, what to tell, what a quandary!
Jos,
I loved your quote “You’ve got to be as fearless as a tiger if you want it – I think. And he also has to be prepared to hear you – feel your thoughts and not feel shamed, punished or rejected. He has to demonstrate his commitment to intimacy too – Make sense?”. I totally agree. I am in such a stronger emotional place than I have been ever in my life actually. I’m not sure how I got here, but other’s have noticed as well and I think that’s why the ultimate disclosure (when he admitted he was an addict) actually wasn’t as bad as it probably could have been. I myself am now at peace with me, my life and my circumstances. I am able to deal with him and his issues without being mean to him, which is what I would have done in the past to make him feel as much pain as I was in. I’m over it. This is more pain for him that is me. I love my current being, the one I feel god and all my angels in by my side everyday. They give me strength to carry out the day and make the best decisions I can for me. He needs to make his decisions and I can only respond to them once they are made.
Debinca,
Two meetings a week? That’s it? My SAAH is going to meetings every night but Wednesday, because there isn’t one in our area and we go to an RCA meeting on Saturdays together. We both are also seeing therapists once a week to every other week depending on schedules. Is two enough to change? Maybe I have too much expectation? I haven’t forced him to do this, he chose it. I guess I’m glad for now, but a little bit skeptical.
So far, my stories can be positive if you ever want to chat. It’s taken a long time though.
Hi HandC,
There are only two meetings a week in the area that we moved to in SC. Before that, he only went to one meeting a week in CA (even though there were plenty). And before that – he didn’t need to go to meetings because he wasn’t an addict. He is at least pedaling the bicycle now.
In the beginning – he didn’t connect the “dots” – that the escalation of his behaviors from hookers, to affairs, to CL ads, to stalking women – meant that he had a problem/compulsion. He first blamed me – and then when that didn’t work, he rationalized it – and then tried some gas lighting – and then finally admitted he had a problem but he could “fix” it on his own. And then when he had a few near misses – he finally admitted he couldn’t do it on his own and went to meetings. He rejected two CSATs early on because he didn’t have a problem. It’s been a long, hard road, and I honestly think the denial was worse than learning about the activities.
Sounds like your SAH has found the 12 step religion – hey, whatever works. I think that understanding the seriousness and power of their “stuff” is key – and to have an accountability partner (or partners) to call when the “urges” return.
We tried RCA once – but there was a partner of an SA there that screamed at her SA – and that really freaked him out so he wouldn’t go again.
I’m glad to hear that your SA has embraced recovery. Sounds like Barbra’s has as well. Time will tell for all of them.
Deb
hurtandconfused-I just read your post about telling all. I would advise against it.
I just had a situation with my sister. Her h came on to me 20 yrs. ago. We were talking about my h and objectification. Somehow the subject of “looking” came up and I asked her if she thought her h has a problem with it. She kept badgering and badgering – asking if I knew anything about him. I finally gave in and told her.
I had kept it from her all these years because #1 I knew it would hurt her, and #2 I knew she wouldn’t believe it. Long story short she didn’t believe me and even accused me of lying. She got on the phone with her h to me and he denied it saying he had never been to my house and he never came onto me. I was in shock – told him off and hung up on him.
All of the family on my side have witnessed incidents with her h, but I am not about to tell my sister after her denial and disbelief of the previous incident. She has her head in the sand, and better to keep it that way.
I should never have given in and told her. Now, I will never feel the same about her for not believing me and think her own sister, would lie about something like that. We always told eachother if we knew anything about our husband’s, we would tell the other. BIG MISTAKE.
I wouldn’t tell – It would probably blow up in your face and your family would, or could, turn on you.
Just speaking from what it did to me.I just moved back into our home about 3 weeks ago, after a 4 month separation and slept in the spare room. We also kissed, held hands, said love yous, etc. But no sex — It was just too scary. My therapist said to make it spontaneous when I was ready —- So I moved back into our marriage bed about 4 days ago. Last evening, I felt ‘spontaneous’ and initiated sex. I could have gone on wondering how I would respond more, but felt I needed to face the fear head on. (My SAH is doing SAA meetings, has a sponsor and seems to be working on recovery sincerely) This is what I noticed both during and after the sex — It felt pleasurable, BUT I didn’t have the emotional ‘hook’ I usually had — I don’t have romantic illusions anymore. One of the things I did upon beginning to heal was to acknowledge and say goodbye to our marriage as it was, or how I THOUGHT it was. So last night, it was nice, but just sex by itself. Make any sense ? Feels fine to me. Time will tell all.
i can’t imagine having sex with DW. just can’t imagine it. i can’t kiss him. i can barely hug him. it takes all i can muster to be civil and decent with him. that is a huge effort for me, one that i am managing to pull off.
he grosses me out. i’m afraid of him. i’m afraid he will hurt me or give me an STD. a stranger is probably safer sex than sex with him.
that’s how i know for sure that it’s over….
i admire you sisters that can let go enough to trust your SA again, but please sisters, protect yourselves too!
Are you in a place currently that you are moving forward with your SA in a new relationship where you are trying to create intimacy for the first time or again? How is it progressing or not progressing?
Response:
I am currently still married to my SAH and we are trying to create intimacy again. This has been ongoing since I found out about the problem in the first place 2 years ago. There have been periods when things have gotten so out of control that I have had moments when we have not been intimate, but this only lasted at most a month. How is it progressing? Well, I have to be honest, when we do make love after a fight about his addiction, it is not great. Because you walk away afterwards feeling like a loser. Like, personally, I wish I was not so weak when it came to my husband. But the truth is that I love him and want only him. When they say and do the right things, it is easy to move forward. But, there are times when they do not say or do the right things, and i’ve learned that even though i would like to move forward with my husband, I need to remember those bad times. the truth is, I am a stronger women, when I withdraw myself intimately. I think that we need to set out a plan and be able to forgive. Once you have passed that, You can set boundaries and try to slowly rebuild intimacy. Never rush!My therapist told me to take it slow…..e.g. start out with kissing, then holding, etc. For me, it all depends on his recovery efforts. When he says things like “the other guys are so much worse in my groups” like he did last week – it pushes me away. And then, finding out that he has herpes a few weeks ago really stopped me in my tracks. He went to a urologist who assured him that since his number is low his immune system is fighting it and it was likely from a long time ago. But the Dr. did ask him if he told his wife he has it and about where his dick was. (thank god for good doctors out there).
Deb
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