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Junie, you may never know how much a few kind words helped that young man. I firmly believe that we all should be willing to give a kind word. I too have sobbed and thought ‘will somebody please help me??’.
In all the pain and agony on this site, I am glad to hear of a kindness. I think your kindness to that young man reflects on all the sisters. Thanks for being a good person Junie.
I don’t think you are too empathic, Junie. You may have been an angel for that young man that day.
I really think that normal people feel more empathic the more we have been through (studies show this to be true, by the way). You have a lot to offer others because you can understand their pain, Junie. Just watch out for the people taking advantage, but otherwise, except your empathy as a gift hard won.
Empathy is a beautiful strength, Junie. Something to be proud of and honor.
I agree, Teri. I have always been very empathetic — my twin sister too — but the more trauma I have been through in life, the more and more I have developed a deeper understanding of human suffering, and have recognized the greater need for deep compassion for others and myself.
I am very grateful that trauma hasn’t taken it away from me or hardened me.
We often get the message we need to second guess or change our positive qualities that make us good people — because people take advantage and we are more vulnerable. It’s protective, but at the same time sad. The more I have been abused by and exposed to people who have very little capacity for empathy, the more I value it in myself. Their darkness has given me the ability to see and appreciate my light.
I am committed to retaining my compassion – Junie you made a difference and it doesn’t mean selling your soul – if I lose my commitment to humanity and the principles I built my OWN life upon then I have lost everything – I have retained that through this and it is what allows me to know I am in tact:-)
It was interesting to me that my narc MIL couldn’t pronounce “empathize”. She would always say “emphasize”, instead which used to just hit my funny bone, bringing one of her stunningly stupid stories to a grand finish with “I really emphasized with that”. Don’t you just love it?
Wish I knew the answer, Artemis. Sometimes I battle with myself wondering if I’m expecting too much, and wondering if it’s just the difference between men and women, as far as feeling things go. Just don’t know. All I know is that even when he’s being seemingly empathic and caring, something feels like it’s missing. xoxo
I love Bevs points about “evlovedness” ( nice word!) I never thought if empathy in that way. Great points! Seems to make sense when you think about it in those terms. I enjoyed reading other peoples feedback as well- good topic.
Alicemarie, I think so. Or maybe misguided empathy. Somebody once commented on my tendency to get easily teary over people I don’t even know, (for example, seeing an elderly person slowly walking down the street, all hunched over, or an overweight teenager walking home from school alone) and said that sometimes we envision how they’re feeling in a particular situation, but it might not even be the case. xoxo
Such a good topic, Artemis. I echo what so many have already said – my H is not a sociopath, but he truly struggles (is essentially unable) to understand my experience of what he’s done to me and to our family in any real or resonating way. There has always been something missing – even when he’s trying to be nice or compliment me. And his gift giving always seemed to be more about him than about me.
In general, and as we clearly see in this thread of posts, there is a spectrum of pathology – from the “run of the mill” jerk to the narcissist to the full on sociopath. For those on the narcissist/sociopath end of the spectrum, true empathy is and always will be elusive. They can fake it, but scratch the surface and it will become abundantly clear that whatever pseudo empathy they are putting forth comes only from the intellect and not from their true self, heart and soul. I think it would be very difficult for me to live with a man who I felt was constantly faking it (she says, with seeming confidence, after doing just that for the past ten years). Well at least I figured it out in the end, right?I have REALLY wondered about my H’s ability to actually experience any empathy but on further reflection, I realized he is actually very kind to EVERYONE except me? We have lived in the developing world a great deal and I have witnessed many an American, Canadian or Brit treat the local people as less than, simply because they could. I have known people who go to church, and then fire a maid because she ruined a blouse in the wash. They seemed to have little concern for the fact that they had now relieved an entire family of food… over a fucking shirt? My husband was always a very soft father and very soft with all his employees, pushing to get them fair wages and covering for them when they made mistakes. I have never known him to raise his voice or criticize someone who works for him, even though he certainly had the power to do so. He worked most of the his time off fixing up my family home because my disabled sister lives there and he was a devoted son in law to my parents. I eventually came to understand most of his rage was directed at me OR acted out in his most intimate relationship.Did I deserve it? Absolutely not. For whatever reason, I had to be punished and his resentments were directed at me. I won’t bother repeating the things this otherwise kind man did to me, as most of you know already. I think 2 different things were happening. One is that he had a whole lot of male entitlement going on and he needed someone to adjust those beliefs for him. After all he wasn’t only using me , he was also using the local women. Believe me, none of the ones he had in my bed came from money or even had real jobs, other than hooking. I doubt his beliefs actually changed BUT he recognized he had better adjust or hide his attitude if he wanted to be anywhere near me. The second thing is his behaviour hurt me so much that I disengaged and detached.I knew that whatever kind of crazy he had going on, it was dangerous, not loveable and not good for me? I find that lately, he is treating me with the same kindness he extends
to others. That is probably because I am emotionally removed from him AND I have been so for long enough that he probably realizes every game he tries to play, is another nail in his coffin. I think he knows that what we have left is what we have left and he cannot win no matter what he does. I’m not interested in being wooed, won over or anything else. I think he accepts that there is no hope and I stopped loving him. Funny enough, he is FINALLY (after a nearly 30 yr marriage) stepping up to the plate. It began when my parents died and has continued. He always seemed to think I was the rock of Gibraltar and could bear all, handle all and do all, without any help from anyone? Now it is as if he sees I have needs too and I need help at times. I don’t know where this is coming from but I am taking him up on all offers. My FOO has me almost driven nuts and I am more than glad to let him help me, with them. Is it empathy? I have no idea. Maybe t is simply that I am no longer the intimate connection because I don’t let us be intimate. He once had the key to my heart. He lost it and I don’t make copies. He and they are crazy. Of that I have no doubt. And Junie, your little story warmed my heart. How lovely you are, after all the hurts you have endured? We all have to hang onto our ability to feel ….it makes us human. Our husbands are crippled in this respect and that is the very reason they are bat shit. Real care or faked care? IDK. If we had been able to figure that out none of us would have landed in this shit storm. I guess to me, if you have to ask yourself if they actually care about anything- you have your answer? xx
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