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I am approaching a 1 year mark – it has been 11 months since D Day, June 1 2010. While there is no need to for exhausting details, the summary is this: He is continuing his addiction, not committing to rehab, or me, or our life, and that is that. I am ready to force the issue. Our latest chat? That me and my daughter should move out because he cannot promise that he will stay sober. He wants to travel, party and sleep around. But he does not want to lose me either. I can’t believe this guy is willing to throw our hard earned life away for a dead end addiction.
While I am almost desperate to get away from him, I would like to avoid an adversarial divorce for sake of daughter, I don’t know if I should stand and fight for house and cut of business. Our original plan? Me and daughter move out, he stays in house buys me out at later date. I remain controller of business funds get a cut every month. Not soooo bad at first thought. Daughter has home that is familiar, I get apt in neighborhood- house goes up in value for later date payout. Problem here? He is an Sa and substance abuser and terrible with money. If he is late on mortgage, I get dinged credit wise. I am on the hook credit wise with the mortgage until he can refinance. His credit is bunk. He will not be able to refinance for several years. I will be on hook with him until then. Probably have a bunch of druggie whores living in MY house. Part of me says fuck it. Liquidate, take a 50% loss (that is what it would probably be). Because that house was for us as a married couple, part of the deal of being married to ME. But he chose to break all the marriage rules and wants to keep the benefits. At least then I am done with it, but wow, what a loss. It is a GREAT investment property even if I don’t live in it. I almost want to try it. As you all know, these guys cannot be trusted. Any advice on how anyone worked out house situation in divorce with SA?Not sure of your situation, but it sounds as if you need to get away from him whether it be that he leaves or you leave. I would feel better keeping the house and moving him out that way you don’t disturb daughter’s life and you get to protect your credit. I’m assuming that you are in business together? Or is he self employed? Is it a profitable business? Are you employed elsewhere or at that business. i think I would want out of the business if you own it together because he will destroy it. I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice. I’ll be thinking of you, HUGS.
Hi Pam-C,
I would hire a great attorney and let them advise you. The first step is always the hardest. After that, thing start to flow and everything gets better because you wont be exposed to your SA on a day in day out basis. At some point, its not all going to be perfect or fair, what matters is we “get out” or “stay” WITHOUT them. You cant put a value on your mental health. The longer we stay with an active sex addict, the sicker we become. We must all accept this as our reality…its hard but its true.I copied my post on the other thread here so we have one. Maybe JoAnn can delete the other??
How about he move out as well; keep the house as a shared investment. Or how about You get the house. He may truley not be responsible enough to keep it, and is relying on you to keep it. But what my gut says is that you should really cut your ties financially as well. There are no promises of what he can do for you or what he will do in the future. Anything you still have that is shared could come back to bite you in the ass later. Any shared credit, the mortgage etc. How about you have the house?? If he protests, then liquidate. Because he may never never buy you out. And you will be stuck on the hook forever. Even if you get this legally written up, he could not pay, and the lender will come after you even if you do not live on the house and your decree says you are not, but the decree will hold not weight when the lender comes knocking on your door, as your name is on the debt.
I am in real estate, the market has been pretty much flat since the crash. Everything has been slow and even as of today, continues to decline slowly in the wrong direction. There is no garauntee that even in three years that 50% will be recovered. More likely than not there will be modest increases over the next 3 to 5 years; but experts say that it will be a very long time before the market recovers to those highs in 2005-2006.
I say screw him. Get everything you are supposed to. Take the house and the portions of the buisness. From what i hear you saying is that it will be a queit and amicable divorce ……as long as he gets all he wants. Well then I say make it noisy and get all that you want. Find a good attorney who will enjoy the challenge.
Thats what I did. I really lucked out. (so far he has been great)
Flora and NAP–
Thanks for great insightful advice. And i agree,this guy will likely never ever buy me out. And very true, this is all not going to be perfect, it just needs to get started. Building a life without their addiction is what is most important–it all seems so daunting. but like you said, once it gets started…the wheels are in motion. 🙂 thank you for caring about me. it really helps
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