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Hello all,
I came downstairs this morning and my SAH (we are still living together) sat me down on the sofa and gave me a heartfelt apology for putting me through so much pain and being such a jerk a year ago. He told me that he is grateful that I identified his addiction as he had no idea what his problem was and that I didn’t leave him. It seemed genuine and it soothed my heart.
How can they do this one day – and be a narcisstic, self-centered idiot the next?
At any rate, it was a good day. I tried not to look over my shoulder too much and just took in the good and was grateful for a day of sanity and calmness. Days like this are few and far between – but feel like an oasis in the middle of a desert.
Oh – and I saw the movie “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen” – great movie!!!
Deb
Deb, a Happy birthday to my fellow Aries.
I have giving thanks right now for your presence in the world, for the love you have shared and the joy you have brought.
Still at it.
Turning out to be quite a bit.
big hugs,
D.Happy Birthday Deb,
I hope you have a day of complete happiness and peace. With cake and presents:)
Love, Debora xoxo
Happy birthday Deb! Keep his apology in perspective. A fleeting moment of conscience. Let his actions speak for him, not his words. Hoping your day is bright and sunny!!
Happy Birthday Deb! May this be the Year of Living Fabulously for You! Enjoy your special day! Love, Liza
Happy Birthday, Deb! May this be the start of a great year and a fabulous life for you. You are an amazing person!!
Love ZG
Thanks all. Yes – it was a nice, low key day (it was yesterday). I have my eyes wide open and I know that behavior speaks louder than words. He keeps saying that he’s going to seek help beyond his weekly therapy session. Trying not to hold my breath as he has promised so much and has done so little.
I have a new therapist lined up for tomorrow, and am going to focus on myself. That is where my efforts yield the most.
Thanks for the b-day wishes. I can’t believe that I’m 52 already!
Deb
Happy b-day Deb.
I think they sent a memo out to all SA’s through some underground organization…
Out of the blue my H says he needs to talk to me and he looked so somber and serious that my immediate response was, “Oh God… What did you do??” Panic set in.
He says no, that he just wanted to apologize for everything he has put me through and for how difficult and hard on me it has been to have to deal with all that goes into him trying to change.
Happy belated birthday, Deb!! I felt a familiar pang reading what your husband said, and what Kim’s husband said. It’s hard to break the habit of just fully believing them, and to stay guarded no matter what. Strange strange life they’ve thrown us into. xoxo
Very Strange. Deb asked yesterday how they can go from being so nice to a bastard next? I had the answer right there on my tongue but I didn’t want to put a damper on her birthday. They do that because they KNOW if they are a narcissistic bastard all the time u will leave. Therefore, like ALL abusers, they make sure there is a cycle of abuse mixed with a few crumbs…just to keep u off balance. And it works….beautifully. We latch onto their crumbs and give them credit for humanity they simply do not possess. And on and on it goes…. Karen xx
Karen–when my husband starts saying this stuff (and he will), can you please remind me of what you just wrote? I dont want to back slide. I know it will be tough to do what is going to feel alien to me–harden my heart. I dont want it to stay hard, but I know it is going to have to be closed and hardened to him during this process in order for me to be able to do this.
Dear Bonnie,
I will BUT his emotional pull is far greater than mine, dear girl. In your case…or in the case of any woman who is being driven out by cruelty BUT who is still half believing he has a “good” side…it may be better to let your vacant space do the talking. Find out everything you need to know legally, weigh your options and then “RUN”! Put space and distance between the two of you and do not let him know your number, address and delete your email. When u know u are vunerable you don’t open the door for him to f–k with your head? You are not leaving because you haven’t tried everything. You are leaving because you did all the work, you tried everything and he is a massive asshole and is making you sick you are in so much pain.I promise when you limit your contact from him for awhile your eyes are going to begin to open and u are going to wonder what on earth you were thinking letting him away with his crap. They mess with your head and your heart. You have to prevent them from doing that UNTIL the fog lifts? Once it lifts…they can drone on and all you will be thinking or feeling is “Whatever, Asshole” When u reach that point…they have lost their power over you. Karen xx
Karen – great advice! Keep it coming sister…. (it’s more difficult when you have kids to block them out). I did that with my first husband (who was a batterer) – we didn’t have kids. My friends helped me move out and I never talked to him after that. He didn’t show up at our divorce hearing a few weeks later (in MN there was no wait period)….and away I went into the sunset to CA. It was bliss! BTW – he called me up 5 years later and gave me an ammends and told me he got a vascetomy (so that he didn’t pass along his abuse gene to other kids). I just said “that’s good” and got off the phone.
For those of you without kids – run, run, run. If they ever get their act together and IF you happen to still love them after several years (which is unlikely) then you can always take them back.
Deb
Karen, what you said about the crumbs of niceness, I think it was on JoAnn’s other site where she termed it ‘intermittent reinforcement.’ It may not even be conscious on their part..who knows.. but it seems to happen time and time again with so many of our SAs. xoxo
It`s really simple math. Think ratios. Why do we all exceed the speed limit? Because we get away with it most of the time!! If every single time you drove one mile per hour over the posted speed limit your car spit out an immediate ticket then you would stop speeding!! These guys may be pervs but they are far from stupid. They learned the simple math and apply it. When wife gets too close to truth or consequences, they spit out the nice card. If you choose to play this game with them then you must take back the ticket book.
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