- This topic has 33 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I have filed…with allegations of adultery, sodomy, buggery, mental cruelty and every other legal way of saying he is a horrible horrible person.
How did this happen? How did I get in this persons life? This can’t be my life. It still feels that way.
Since July of last year when I found it on the computer. Not all of it, just the stuff he forgot to delete…there has been this voice in my head. Tell the world, tell them all what he really is. But my lawyer and I discussed the pros and cons. I had one more year of school before I’d have my degree, the house is underwater and can’t be sold, he will probably lose his job and I am a sahm. We decided to wait. We decided to negotiate a no fault asking him for child support, alimony, to take the debt he created etc. It was fair, nothing over the top. Just enough that I can keep the lights on and food on the table. But he refused to sign. Since we presented it last September he has refused to sign. Why should he really? What’s his motivation? Right now he has no obligation and nothing but freedom to pursue his sickness all the while proclaiming recovery. “He attends meetings every night”
Keeping his secret has left me filled with the poison of it.A month ago I came home after he had been watching the kids all day (I was at school he does not live here since last September) When my daughter went to the potty there was a spot of blood in her underpants. My hair stood on end. I asked her if her belly hurt, if it hurt when the pee came out. She said no. She is 5 and we are still figuring out the whole paperwork part of wiping, and she tends to hold it, there’s a learning curve there so I figured a UTI but it triggered a fear I have never resolved. How do I know my kids are safe? I think they are but is that enough? Surely he wouldn’t…would he?
I put the underpants in a ziplock. The next day she still felt fine and went to school. When I picked her up she said there’s a lot of it today mom. I called the Dr immediately and bagged up pair number 2. I didn’t try to describe it to the dr. I simply said here, this is what made me call. She looked at me and said “is there any possibility that anyone in her life might have hurt her?” I realized that I could not with all conviction say No. I couldn’t. I didn’t think so, but I didn’t know so. I was blindsided as a wife, I will not be blindsided as a mom. I will not hear years from now that something happened and I missed the signs. Didn’t want to see them…For two weeks I went through another more horrid layer of hell while child services interviewed me. All the while being told to keep him away but not suspicious. So he was oblivious to all this pain. Isn’t he always? My daughter was swabbed at the Dr for gonorrhea and chlamydia. She came back negative but so did I so what did that really prove.? My children went to an amazing place filled with the best people in the world who had them play and draw pictures and answer questions…all while a medical dr (in case exams were necessary) and a police officer (in case of disclosure) watched from the other side of a mirror.
I sat in a tiny room and waited and finally got word that they believe my children are fine, that nothing has happened but to keep watch. UTI’s in children are one of those causation/correlation things…Every child who gets a UTI is not being abused, they happen. But children who are being abused get UTI’s.
My children are fine. I heard the words and I swear it was the first time I had breathed in and out in two weeks. But how dare I take that risk? I have never worried about his being a threat before, not so much as that guy he emails on craigslist…My biggest fear is that my stupid husband figures the kids are asleep he’ll just step out and meet someone in his truck for a quick “blow and go”. That someone is some whack job (duh) who beats the hell out of my husband and then goes into the house where my children are sleeping…this is my nightmare.My husband is a firefighter/paramedic former Marine. He is held up in the community as some sort of idyllic hero. What if he has done something to some woman in the back of an ambulance and she is too afraid to come forward because no one will believe her? His first response area is a University where they get called amongst other things, for young girls who have drunk too much and passed out. Is this where a person who thinks violence and sex, rape, bondage etc are fun should be working? The first thing they do when they get a patient is completely disrobe them and get them into a hospital gown. How would I feel as a parent knowing what I know if this guy was treating my daughter, or sister. That she was drunk and passed out alone with this guy. It happens. How would I live with myself knowing I kept his secret? Today we file. I am sick with worry over what will happen, but I have felt that way every day for almost a year. I am at the point where I would rather it all blow up so I can pick up the pieces and go forward than constantly waiting for the explosion.
I’m sorry that was so long. I think perhaps I need to find a real life therapist. It has not been an option which is equally frustrating. He goes to meetings every night (supposedly) and I wait til the kids are asleep so I can have a good cry.
HI Strongereachday,
I just want to wrap my arms around you after reading your story. First, thank you for being a good mother and not dismissing the possibility of him hurting her. I can imagine you would like to just disappear from it all for while, but it keeps coming back at you from a new direction—even when it turns out to be a false alarm. Why should you have to be thinking these terrible thoughts?–because you can’t trust him, that’s why.
Please don’t take TOO much responsibility on, however. You have enough just looking after yourself and your children. don’t try and protect everyone. Make yourself and your children safe and settled as your first priority. The rest will have to look after itself. You are only one person, and a traumatized one at that.It would be good for you to have a therapist. I hope that is something you can pursue now. I hope the divorce filing goes okay. I understand how sick we get of not saying exactly what these slimeballs did. Let him deal with the reaction for a while.
D.
I could just puke that a mother has to even have the thought of the possibility that her husband hurt her child….That is what these sickos have done to us. We cannot dismiss anything as beyond them.
Get a therapist ( even if you have to use phone or skype..) and get rid of that nut job you are married to.
I am so sorry. That was painful to read and I can just imagine how you felt while living it.
I am sorry stronger that you are in such position, I can sympathize with you, as I have a six years old daughter and two boys, whose father is sicko who is held also in the community in the highest regard,,,
I am also struggling with the idea do I tell the whole world about what he has done, how can I protect my kids,,,
it is beyond painful to be in such position,
my heart goes to you and to your children.Thank you everyone and I’m sorry I posted such an awful thing. I guess that sounds odd given the place that we are in…but I swear it’s like Dante’s Inferno sometimes, you open a door and there’s a brand new fresh Hell. I guess I just needed some input? Am I crazy to think he could escalate to that level? He is still lying about every little thing. And I have worried from day 1 about the company he now keeps.
I’ve also found several cases on the books lately where a year after they settle, mr comes back wanting more visitation/less child support payments. When the wife “suddenly” voices his dirty deeds she is viewed as the bitter ex wife grasping at straws because “why didn’t it come up during the divorce?”This is the place to post all the awful things. No, you are not being crazy. If you had asked me a year ago if my H would have screwed hookers, I would have put my hand on a Bible and sworn on the souls of my children that he would not. I put NOTHING past them. I do not think they are all child abusers. I do not think they cannot be helped. I do not think they are incapable of decency. But I will no longer ever say never.
Throw the whole fucking ball of wax at him. Hold nothing back. Hit hard and fast. Leave his head spinning for a change.
Stronger, I think you have all the rights to tell the world why you are divorcing him, I had filed for divorce under irreconcilable difference, but I am going to go back and check with my lawyer if I can put in the true reasons for divorce,,,adultery, porn, lying,,,etc
God that was such a difficult post to read – that you’ve lived through this nightmare thus far is a testament to your strength, dear sister. You MUST OUT the motherfucker to anyone who will listen. God only knows what he is capable of. Sending you strength and love. Liza
“Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.” ~ Pablo Neruda
I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I was shaking while reading it. I can relate to how horrible the experience is and what a mother goes through. I am truly sorry for it and wish I could give you a big hug and sit with you and drink a cup of tea and have a chat.
My daughter was molested at age 4 by her paternal grandfather (My H SA’s father). It was the most horrific experience of my life. Your life turns upside down and it may take years to know 100% what really happened.
I went through all of it, the doctor, the hospital, child protection agency… and confronting the grandfather.
The day I confronted him what the last day I ever saw him or set foot in his house. He’s never bee in my house since, or near my child. But that was not easy to accomplish and by setting the boundaries I took all the blame and the trauma that went with it.
At this age, they are sooo young and innocent and naive, they really don’t know what is going on and can’t express themselves.
Other than the blood, I’d look for other signs, such as redness or rashes, which I’m sure you and your doctor have already done. More importantly, look for behavioral signs.My daughter played with dolls in sexual ways. She tried to play with her friends and even me in sexual ways. She once asked me to rub her private parts and when I refused she said it was okay as long as we kept our underwear on. This is not a 4 year old talking! She once tried to put her hand in my underwear once when I was changing in the room. When I asked her about it she told me a little boy at daycare had done this to her. We followed up at the daycare and later I heard the boy’s father had threatened to come to my house and beat me up for “accusing” his 5 year old son. At that point my complaint was with the daycare only and had asked for better care and vigilance of children, also complained about their routine of letting the boys and the girls use the same toilettes, with no doors in between, without enough supervision. My other clue came when she told me at grandparent’s house we were not allowed to take our clothes off! What did that mean??? Then I smelled strange odors on her, and noticed that she was angry when she came back from grandparents’ home. She used to spend one day a week with grandma, because grandma wanted to be close to her and I agreed.
Then one day I went to pick her up, as opposed to my husband because thankfully he was sick, and saw that grandpa took her upstairs to play. I was uncomfortable but too shy/stupid/weak to say anything. After a while- maybe 15 min, I went upstairs to get her and saw that they were in grandpa’s bedroom and the door was closed…. These are the stuff of my nightmares to this day. Memories that cannot be shared easily.
How could I have missed it? Why did I not say something when I felt the discomfort, when I felt her discomfort at going upstairs with grandpa??? I cannot forgive myself for this and even though it was not my fault, protecting her was ultimately my job and I failed to protect her.
All to say that it went downhill from there…. I wish I could say it was just a terrifying dream, but it did happen.
It took my daughter 3 long years before she could tell me what happened – we wrote a story together about her bunny rabbit and drew pictures.
I was never able to take this man to the court because I had “no proof” and probably because I was too honest with the details- didn’t embellish the details I had witnessed and it wasn’t good enough. My daughter was too young to talk to the child protection people, or the social worker, even after multiple interviews. I refused a gynecological exam on her because it would’ve been too traumatic. I also refused to let the police speak to her (she would’ve had to be alone with them).
My H is an SA and so is his father.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you, but I’m writing this here in hopes that it can help you in some way.
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through and hope and pray that nothing has happened to your daughter.
But please do keep your eyes open and don’t dismiss any signs.Hugs to you.
Thank you, it was the worst night of my life getting that call from social services. An anonymous call was made and then I received a call from my atty the same night that I’d been with since August of last year. He told me he was very sorry but he would need to recuse himself because he represents social services and this now created a conflict of interest. It was the first time I ever truly fell apart in front of my kids. Thank God I put out a call for help and someone came running. I couldn’t face my kids thinking I’d failed them in the worst way.
That quote is amazing. Even in the bitterest hour, that clarity…I have found out how strong I am. I just wish it didn’t keep getting tested.Oh Zola my heart is broken for you. You didn’t see it because who in their right mind can imagine that there is such evil amongst the very people who are there to protect. I never even spoke to my kids about appropriate touch because they were always with family. There’s a spot in Hell reserved for these monsters.
You didn’t do this, and the signs are too vague. My kids have acted in ways that I think are signs. There were a few times my daughter (4 at the time) locked herself in her room when Daddy got home. I chalked it up as a tantrum. I told her daddy is a hero, how could she possibly come to me or be clear if he was doing something wrong? It’s all just such a mess. How is a child supposed to figure out if the adult that has changed their diaper, snuggled with them, bathed them, etc crosses a line? I don’t know how or if I will ever know. I’m so sorry. There aren’t words for what you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing that story. It may help to keep us all vigilant. Something may be prevented as a result of your bravery.Stronger, it sounds to me like you did exactly what you should. You took the warning signs seriously but you didn’t alarm your daughter and let the authorities do the evaluation. I understand your fears- who knows what these guys are capable of? They are already doing the unthinkable.
Trust your instincts and document everything that comes up so that there is a track of your suspicions.
I am so sorry for the hell you are enduring.
What a living hell, stronger. I can’t imagine going through all this with small children. However, my story, has one thing in common with yours and that is my SA was also a firefighter, paramedic, officer of the law, and eventually batallion chief of the fire dept. We live in a very small town. Maybe 30,000 people. He was born and raised here. I moved here from another town just to be with him. Almost one year ago, he was arrested for possession of child pornography. Yep, the house was searched for 3 excrutiating hours, and they took him away. This was way after he had already been put on administrative leave, a restraining order on him to stay away from his employer and all the employees, some in particular. We had to surrender all our guns to the Sheriff’s dept. and we live in the country where we need them to protect our livestock from coyotes and the dogs from rattlesnakes. He was force into an early retirement which left us with $2,000 less per month to live on making it damn tight to keep this property maintained and the animals fed.
You are not alone in your disbelief of what these men can be capable of doing. His case still is pending in court, looks like it’s going to go to trial. He could get time in prison.
And here I sit, thinking what bomb just went off in my life? I can’t, to this day, believe what has happened to my world.
Please take care of yourself. Do whatever you can to see a therapist that specializes in trauma. It’ll be the best thing you EVER do for yourself and your kids.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Much love, Claire
stronger, thank you thank you for telling your story here. what a brave woman you are. and smart. i’m so glad your kids have you. the scariest and saddest thing about this is that, no, we don’t really know what they are capable of. but i find the most accurate measure of all this is our gut. i think our guts are right on the money. so listen to your intuition. keep yourself safe. love and hugs.
Stronger, you are going through such hell. You have been holding up so well and doing everything you can to protect your children. The women on this site understand what a balancing act it is to figure out the next step in our sad stories. To tell or not to tell. To stay or not to stay. It is different for every situation, but we are here for you every step of the way.
Like Lisak says, trust your gut.
Love, AliGosh Stronger and Zola those stories are terrifying and thank you for sharing them. I’m so sorry for you and your children but I’m also relieved and happy that you acted on your concerns for your little girls.
S I agree with LisaK that you should trust your intuition on this one. There is nothing stronger that a mother’s intuition.
With regard to telling people about his SA…Is anything he is doing illegal? Would he lose his job or just his ‘standing’ in the community? I don’t know about your laws and this is why I ask the question.
If you are really frightened of what he might do to his patients then I would disclose his secret, otherwise it is best to keep him working so he can provide some assistance to you and your children.
You could the threat of outing him as leverage to get him to co-operate with the divorce. Unfortunately you have to become as ‘crafty’ as them in matters like this.
xoI have a pit in my stomach just reading this. I don’t think I can take any chances. I’m so sorry that you’ve both had to deal with this. you know, my SA’s daughter got really bad UTI’s (she was 11/12) last year. I had that fleeting thought about molestation, but at the time I had absolutely no reason to think any of that. Hearing these stories makes me rethink everything.
When my daughter used to climb into bed with us, I’ve always had her on my side, never next to dad. I always just had a funny feeling about him.
Zola, what a horrifying story about your daughter, I could have killed that man, oh my god, how dare those people to do things like this to small kids,,
this is all so scary, my stbx has a preference to my daughter over the boys, when he calls he always asks to talk to her first, he gives her these very theatrical big hugs that he does not give to the boys, I had noticed with his daughter from previous marriage that he always asked her to sit close to him and cuddle with him, I don’t think he molested her physically
I don’t know if he is capable or not of physical molestation but I am really concerned about emotional incest with my daughter,,,harmony. i’m sorry! that’s probably hard on your boys too! these assholes are so clueless!! or they know exactly what they are doing, and don’t care. either way, doesn’t matter. i hate them all.
allcat, it’s amazing how things differ from state to state. I’m in a fault state plus prostitution is illegal. It’s a misdemeanor but still public safety officials are held to some more stringent rules than the average person because they are in and out of peoples homes, handling drugs, handling people who are at risk because they may be incapacitated. I don’t want him to lose his job but it has been something that has been in the back of my mind since dday. I remember how he used to talk about the hot college girls, but this was back when I thought it was just harmless appreciation of young females. Ha. We tried to use this leverage, my atty even had a one on one with his atty and let him know we are not bluffing. His atty asked us to please give them more time. And we did. And he came back asking for MORE! I was beside myself. I swear sometimes he wants it to all come out. He hates his job and feels they are all out to get him. This would give him an easy out.
Stronger,
Your story about your SA coming back and asking for more when you threatened to use your leverage reminds me of dr. evil. I have found every time I try to push back and threaten to go public, get a restraining order, or find more incriminating evidence against him, etc., he just comes back even more entitled and obnoxious. I don’t know if it true of all of them, but dr. evil seems bent on mutually assured destruction rather than admit that he is beaten. It’s scary.
Teri, It really is. I can’t seem to figure out the rules to this game. I’ve gotten better at not engaging him in drama, but as to what will work is beyond me. I’ve tried every angle.
He has been creepy nice to me the last 3 days. Do you think Dr Evil is calling your bluff? My SA knows that we would lose the house, medical insurance etc. Do you think they are counting on the one thing that they have always counted on, that we will protect our children (home, medical insurance) and don’t think we will pull the pin?It could be.
I have really no way to hold dr. evil accountable since I can’t go in front of the judge. He knows it. So he keeps harassing and intimidating me.
He is creepy nice when he is recording or other people are watching.
But there does seem to be a component of self-delusion? He is just so entitled and victimized. I sometimes wonder if he is willing to go down because he really thinks he is the victim and it would be all my fault?
He has done that with our finances. He could have stopped investing months ago but he has continued even though that means we have no money available to pay our taxes, attorneys, or to live on. And then he turns around and says we have no money because my spending is “out of control”. On top of that, a friend of mine confronted him on not supporting his family, and he said “Teri has access to all the investments- she has money,” but later in the same conversation, he burst into tears because he said didn’t even have enough money to pay his taxes. It is just nuts to hear him. There certainly isn’t any rational thought or logic behind what he is doing.
Makes it hard to figure out what to do- how do you outwit crazy?
- The forum ‘Divorce’ is closed to new topics and replies.