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I mentioned before that I have 5 kids. and one daughter is most like her dad (in the super overachiever, center of attention, can win anyone over – not shy at all, kind of way.)
She has been dating a really nice boy for 3 years. My other daughter is engaged to his brother (wedding in a month). She just switched colleges in Jan to be by her boyfriend and two weeks ago hooked up with a different guy at a party. This weekend at a party someone told her bf and he flipped out and everyone at the party was pissed at her. It was total drama, and she had to leave. She says everyone hates her now. Her boyfriend is soooooo nice, and he is completely devastated. We had both families at dinner last night to celebrated the bride daughters graduation and for last minute wedding plans and it was very awkward. my h who hasn’t even talked to his daughter about anything yet offers condolences to her bf and he starts crying in front of everyone. My h is so stupid sometimes. Not to mention my other daughter – the bride- wanted to work on wedding stuff and not her sisters drama. So her nose was out of joint.Turns out this is the 3rd time she has cheated on him. My beautiful daughter is just like her dad and uncle. I am so sad, so scared, and I don’t get why. She knows how horrible things have been here. She is so angry with her dad and then she is out doing the same thing. shit shit shit shit.
I need to get some help for her. Not sure where to start, maybe she should see a sa therapist, or just a regular one. She is depressed and afraid that she is like her dad.In the book my sexually addicted spouse it said that a large percentage of women who are sa’s end up having sex with their therapists, so I know I need to find a lady therapist. Do you think I should start with a sa therapist?????? I’m crushed.
never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined being here doing this.
I am so, so sorry hadj608. The fall out from this awful disease just never seems to end. And, part of that fallout is our hypersensitivity to anything sexual.
I see your daughter awareness of her father’s issues, and the fact that she is reflecting on her own behaviors and trying to analyze the causes as a very healthy sign. This makes me think she is not a Sex Addict, just a confused young woman who is trying to find herself.
Many young people act like idiots when it comes to sex, it’s just a part of growing up. And, as your daughter is now doing, they learn from their mistakes and come out of it okay.
I think it would be doing your daughter a disservice to label her at this time. Do not allow the sins of her father to taint her life unnecessarily.
i think a regular therapist would be in order, someone who deals with individual counseling and personal issues. A woman would be best for many reasons, especially as she will need to be honest without the drama of sexual tension.
Good luck with this, please calm yourself down and don’t think the worst. This may just be a little sowing of wild oats and a bit of the rights of passage.
You are certainly a huge resource for her and your support is critical to her maturation. She is very lucky to have you.
Dear hadj608,
Wow. That really is an awful lot of drama for one family to face!I agree with JoAnn—don’t jump to throw your daughter into the same stew your SA husband is in. Not all sexual acting out is because of Sex Addiction. I do think your daughter needs counselling support in order to sort through the confusion of feelings that are behind her choices. I hope you can encourage her to do this without labeling her, or transferring your fear to her. She is probably scared too, even if she won’t admit it. We can’t change the way our children are wired, and they are certainly all different, but putting her in her father’s corner will just make her more defensive of him and herself. Can you talk to her about her life as something all its own, deserving the care and attention that will support her individuality, and address the confused behaviour?
If she refuses, I don’t know what else you can do. If the man still wants to marry her–well—I guess you just have to say your piece in a respectful way, and accept it.
Hi Hadj608,
I was wondering how old your daughter is? 3 years is a long time for a young person to be in a relationship and even though he may be a nice young man, maybe she wants to be free and doesn’t know yet if she wants to be committed or maybe wants to be single…which single is a good to place to be when you’re young and want to meet new people and have new experiences. Her relationship with him is kinda convaluted because her sister is marrying his brother so maybe its hard for her to address these feelings she’s having. Of course, this is pure speculation on my part, however, it is hard for young people to end relationships and especially those in which the families are so already intertwined. I could be totally off base just some thoughts…..Love, napHi Hadj608,
I agree with the others. It sounds like she needs counseling. (most people do!) and I’m not observing that she is a sex addict, from what you said, but more that she is not altogether certain of her relationship with her steady boyfriend and just doesn’t know how to break it off. In any case, it does sound like she has some more growing up to do.
The other thing is that while not a SA, sometimes victims of a dysfunctional situation try to unconsciously “re-enact” the hurt in order to find a way to heal it. Again, its not healthy or a worthwhile exercise and I’m only just surmising, but that is what CAN lead someone to become a SA, down the road… as they continuously try to heal the hurt, but in fact, never do that and only make it worse and worse.
Sorry for your troubles,
xo,
L
H, I cheated on my boyfriend at 21 also and rationalized it. I now see that I was just like our spouses in the respect that I allowed my hunger for attention to override my integrity. Like them, I wanted the benefit of my committed relationship and new excitement too. Unlike them, it was not habitual. Your daughter just needs to learn from this experience that she has a right to seek new romantic experiences…as long as she isn’t in a committed relationship. betrayal hurts so much more than an honest break-up.
Thank you JoAnn, you are the voice of reason. I am looking for a good person for her to see. One of my other daughters said she isn’t a whole lot different from most freshman. I am so paranoid right now. I sat there at dinner with as much grace and dignity as I could muster, my head spinning the whole time ~ what is happening to my world. ahhh
Diane you are right, I hate drama and my family is all that right now. ~ it’s the non-bride daughter that was cheating. 3 years of dating and she does this right before her sisters big day. They were supposed to stand up together, I think we need to switch the line up now!
Nap she is 19 they started dating when she was 16. She may want her freedom, except he is the nicest guy on earth and waits on her hand and foot. I told her to stop using him break up. Wow what a weird observation for me, big lesson in letting people take advantage of us.
lylo – thank you for sharing, it really helps put it in perspective. I really hope she has more of me in her than her dad.Hi hadj608,
I just wanted to add another thought, just for consideration. At 16, we are a completely different person at 19. I think what your daughter did was more normal developmentally based. The frontal lobe doesn’t stop developing until about age 25. I would hate to see her go to therapy thinking something may be wrong with her when in actuality, its normal development and she’s basically still a kid.
Food for thought, Love, napPS I would guess not many of us are with the boyfriend we were with at 16.
Hello,
I love Joann’s ability to balance and anchor all topics, even yours Hadj608. I also loved your questions on a very serious topic. thank you.
I want to add to the discussion of the frontal lobes where cognitive functions are exercised: They still can develop new patterns and pathways, though one would not necessarily see it in an SA who responds/behaves at the subcortical level; out of addiction (or choice) as SAs who deny addiction exemplify. Why?? Ask a counselor.
We are just learning to behave when we are young. Let a counselor help your daughter and do not burden her at this time with her DNA. All young people carry this behavior. More hormonal and inexperience than DNA. We CAN learn from mistakes. I send this with affection and love Hadj to you and your daughter.
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