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My father was a pathelogical liar and a narcissist. He would lie to people in front of me and I knew it was a lie but I was just a kid so I kept my mouth shut.
My mom was honest to a fault. She hated liars and lying. Lying was the worst thing you could do. Needless to say it wasn’t a happy marriage.
I was a child divided. My parents got divorced and both of them treated me like an adult. I was nine. They both told me how horrible and crazy the other one was. They both read my diary. They both wanted to be my friend. They both wanted me to keep them company. They both wanted me to make them happy.
I saw them both try to commit suicide.
My mom got sick. She had cancer. She wanted me to take care of her.
I got pregnant. I was 15. While she was in the hospital dying my father made me have an abortion. He said if she found out it would kill her sooner. It would be my fault. She never found out.
A few months later she did die. Some of her last words to me were don’t grow up to be like your father.
My mom left me some money and my father took it. He also took out 60k of credit cards in my name and never paid them. When I found out he said don’t I want to help my papa? And well you would have gotten bad credit yourself anyway. Also my moms money was his really since she got it from the divorce.
My dad practiced as a foot doctor for 20 years. He never went to school. He had a fake diploma etc. I knew. But I never said a word.
He married an evil lady who I wanted to love me but she hated me. I was a threat. She had a daughter. My father had an affair with her. Evil lady found out and reported my dad for healthcare fraud. He went to jail.
He went to jail because I wouldn’t let him live with me. My husband wouldn’t allow it. My father said I ruined his life. That I was a bad daughter. He said he took care of me my whole life and I repaid him by being a selfish cunt. Yes. He used the word cunt.
He suckered some other lady into taking care of him after he got out of jail. Then he died of a freak blood clot. I paid for the funeral he wanted so I would be a good daughter. I still can’t stop feeling guilty that I’m glad he’s dead.Oh Gosh Laststaw, it still amazes me how parents can’t see beyond themselves. I wouldn’t feel guilty either. He wasn’t a father. He was a monster and he abused you, neglected you, was a downright sociopath. I’m sorry you had to endure such horrific treatment. Your mothers goodness must have been very influential to you because you are a good egg Laststraw, you really are. They say we can’t pick our family however we can pick out friends who are people we love and trust. As Dr. Phil would say “You rised above your raising”. You should be proud 🙂
Love, NapxoOh nap. I’ve been waiting and looking for someone to say it is okay. That it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t a bad daughter or a bad person. That I’m not rotten to the core. I’ve spent the majority of my life apologizing for my existence. For taking up air and space. I try to get this from everywhere except myself. I try to make everyone happy to pay back for my faults but I don’t succeed. It’s killing me from the inside out. I just want to feel like I’m okay. Like I’m worth something without having to do. I don’t know if I ever will.
Wow Last straw!
Thank you for sharing such heart breaking and personal information. Sometimes, it just feels good to lay it out there… Especially with people you trust and I’m thankful that you trust your sister’s!
I could never top Nap’s comment, as I feel she nailed it- like only Nap can do! Her response gave me chills! And I agree 100%!
Nap, do you take notes while watching Dr Phil…. Or do you catch alot of reruns??! 🙂
Laststaw,
Don’t take over where he left off. That’s what happens. You’re playing these tapes in your head. Say STOP and be who you really are and embrace life! Your not who they said you were, you were just a little girl. Well now you know better. Make yourself proud and love who you really are.
Love, NapSL,
Thank you dear sister. I’ve been in therapy for 20 yrs. My mother did a number on me. I think I’m doing okay now. My heads just a bit crooked and that’s okay.
Love you GF, Naplaststraw,
what a life for you. thanks a lot mom and dad.
there is a great scene in deadwood where seth bullock beats up alma garret’s dead beat dad. that would have been good treatment for your dad…
LastStraw, you are an honest and loving person who has been dealt a horrible hand of cards. I am so sorry. When I read this post my first thought was “Ah, she is punishing herself for her perceived sins by staying in this awful marriage.” Please stop punishing yourself! You are a worthy, worthwhile, intelligent, beautiful woman who deserves to be loved and cherished for all of your fine qualities which are so evident to us here at SOS. Please believe it. You did nothing to warrant a lifetime of punishing yourself. Your dad was wrong. Your H is wrong. Even your mom was wrong to put you in the position she did. Most of all, YOU are wrong if you think you are a bad person. Nap is right. Stop the negative self talk and try to see what we see. You are beautiful inside and out.
With love,
DaisyLastStraw – I can’t say anything better than what everyone else has said just that the rawness of your pain brought tears in my eyes. Sending hugs from across the way.
Stephanie, I am so glad you wrote it down and posted it although it was painful to read. I can’t add anything to what the sisters have said. You are so worthwhile. You deserve love.
Love isn’t earned ( parental love). I would love my children if they were serial killers. Nothing on heaven or earth can make me not love my child. You deserved the same.
HI Stephanie,
thank you so very much for trusting us with your story. I just want you to know that you are very beautiful to me, from the inside out. Your father was a dreadful man and did terrible things to you and I’m glad he’s dead.
I hope by telling your truth, the power of his deeds are diminished, and you find greater freedom to live your life without this negative energy.
I think you are sitting on the edge of your own greatness. Settle into to it sister. Your time has come.
love,
Diane.This is what cosa says, you ended up with a sex addict because you were bred to…our family history is ripe with fucked up stories…Our parents couldn’t or wouldn’t parent so we chose men who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to us. It’s not that we knew they were sex addicts….no, we were just comfortable with how screwed up they were, we thought they were normal cuz we didn’t know what normal felt like…
Funny, I found the one man that I believed would truly commit to me and I gave him everything because I trusted him. I’m sure COSA probably has that one right….
And, worse I knew he had childhood issues and I thought I could fix it all for him….
Well COSA, that may be true in some cases but it sure isn’t in mine. I know exactly what normal looks like, my parents, grandparents and greatgrandparents all had normal, healthy, commited, loving relationships. We were “bred to it”? I think that’s bullshit.
Bev, I fought that for four months and I finally gave in….like my dear therapist says, his family was so fucked up and you were comfortable enough to stay and not run? Exacty what cosa has been trying to say to me since day one…ya, I didn’t want to admit that I chose someone who couldn’t possibly commit to me, the truth was too painful, I thought I found The one who would be there for me, commit, be true..how could he not, I’m so awesome, he’s so lucky…but as cosa and my csat says…not about me sweets, it’s about him and his family issues..your issue is that you thought you could trust him, you thought his family didn’t affect him, you thought he over came any child hood issues, you couldn’t have know his childhood issues, you thought you were so great he could change his flawed and damaged brain…no, you have to look out for you and not worry about you…why did you stay when after the second date there were signs of something, hey, when you met the family…really, you thought you could over come that he’ll? Etc, etc,etc
Cosa is not for everyone, only those who finally submit. It took me four months of fighting, now I see my family as it really is, like I always saw my sa’s family as it was.
I didn’t say my family was perfect. What I said was that their marriages were good healthy ones so I know what normal looks like. My H’s parents divorced when he was 2, his Dad died when he was 10. His mother is a nightmare. So no, not perfect. And if his family is fucked up that still has absolutely nothing to do with me being “bred” to pick a SA.
Understand, thanks for replying. In my healing, I just want to express my truth…which is, everyone is on a scale of healthy…some with sane families some who have really fucked up families or nightmare Moms…my sa totally has a horrible family, really bad, a lot of addictions, etc…then without a lot of work and knowledge to overcome their trauma, they will end up as sex addicts..most sex addicts have emotional disconnection stemming from mom, father issues..they use sex to cope with this disconnection and minimize it so they don’t even realize how bad they really are, they have a mask on…they don’t truly know themselves, however it is our job, before we commit to them to delve into their life and really look at it, not think we can over come their trauma when they don’t even admit to the actual trauma or disconnection. We can only overcome our traumas and when we do that we can actually see the whole truth of our partner or any future partner. Gee
Gee,
I think the COSA mantra about us having a part in it is true for some but not all partners. Therefore COSA is only appropriate for some partners (which is too bad).
I happen to come from a NARC mom (she was sexually abused, no doubt) and I was a wounded from her emotional abuse. I felt comfortable with that – it was my life so I didn’t know any better. I have a high tolerance for emotional abuse.
I met my husband who was also wounded from his abusive mother – so we felt comfortable with each other.
They say that some marriages are born out of a desire to “heal each other”. I definitely think that was true. We clung onto each other for dear life. The problem was that for my husband, he also clung onto other women for dear life. His hole was bigger than mine. One person (my SAH) and ice cream filled my hole, but for him, he needs multiple women (and golf, work, his Iphone, etc) to fill his massive hole.
There are types of reasons why we pick our spouse (there is a list in a book that my group therapist Susan Pease Gadoa wrote http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-pease-gadoua/…I can’t remember them all off the top of my head right now) – but I know that for us, it was mutual healing.
I’m healing myself – and he is, too….so the questions are: – 1) I’m doing it faster, so will I want to be around a sick husband once I’m healed?? – and 2) Can his hole be filled with healthy stuff? and 3) Can I ever forget about the sick stuff he did and the effect it had on me and the kids?
Deb
Deb, words of wisdom. Alanon is really good for most people. I do have to state that to me, these groups are beneficial even if you disagree with some stuff…is there anything or anyone you agree with totally..no. I accept the good, bad, ugly of 12 steps, because I understand my wounds are extensive from my family, my friends, my work, my husband, his family, the world. I finally accept I’m so wounded that only with the help of others who understand and accept wounds and the horrible ugly truth of facing all of it, will the wounds start healing, the scabs close the wounds, and soon, with a lot of work, only the scars will be visible, but I will live through it better and stronger and what a gift to myself and my precious daughter.
Gee, if it is working for you then I think it is great. I had a healthy childhood. My parents are still married. My mother is a nut but she loves us and we all just ignore her nutty stuff. I knew all about my H’s childhood. I walked right into the middle of the whole fucked up mess and thought wow….
I believed that my H was the only sibling that was normal. I thought that he had handled his issues. I thought I could show him normal and I could help him and he went right along with it…
I understand what you are saying.
I also understand Daisy’s point. I never knew something like SA existed. I watched for alcoholic signs ( his father was a raging drunk) but I never once thought to look for sex stuff….
He was 26 when he met me and was full into the whole thing and I never knew it. He was old enough to take some responsibility and tell me. He definitely should have sought help after we started a family.
That’s the part I just can’t square….He never looked for help until he was faced with the loss of his family. He is smart, successful, and capable….
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