My hope

I have been thinking a lot about grace ever since I spent those 12 days in the hospital with my dad. How my dad was angry with the oxygen hose, hearing aids, walker, needing help in the bathroom etc. I had to firmly tell him several times that he just needs to do it and it’s not so bad. But it is hard for someone who has been strong and independent his whole life. He helps others and thats fine, but accepting help is a whole different story.

It takes a lot of grace to accept help. You cannot force someone to accept help, no matter how good it is for them.

The physical therapists, doctors, etc. told him what he had to do, he got grouchy, and I gently guided him in the direction they wanted. Discussing things like, walkers, (he wants a cane with a taser on the end $80 bucks -honestly who is he going to zap?) nursing homes, long term care, elderly proofing his house, visiting nurses, meals on wheels, and diapers, etc.
After 32 days he is home and happy. but for how long? He should be in a nursing home. But he wants to live how he wants to live, damn it. He crawled down the basement stairs to do laundry yesterday. Stayed there for 4 loads and is going to have someone carry it up for him. I called the cleaners to pick up and drop off laundry. Nope. Not happening. He can do it.

ok I guess I have to respect that.

I watched my strong dad succumb to the care of others. And then I compare that to the world of sex addiction. Honestly I don’t think my husband will ever have enough grace and humility to get better. He will not accept the help, he will not accept responsibility for his actions, he will never be that weak. He can do it himself. He is the master of his universe. And you know what? Maybe he should just stay the way he is. Maybe he should just ride his ego wave for the rest of his life. It works for him, and it is his life.
I am trying to turn a toad into a prince. Not gonna happen.

So why stay along for the ride? I am respecting him more than I am respecting myself. I think a good gage for this is “if the shoe were on the other foot”. He would not devote himself to me the way I have devoted myself to him. Never. He is too important for that.

So what is my hope?

My toad is funny, acts caring, smart, loves his kids, adored by many, helpful,
active, handy, and a good listener, wants to stay married, promises me the moon.

My toad will never be faithful, truly in love with me, honest, devoted, and he will always be horny, and respects his mom more than his wife.

I cannot have sex with him ever again. I don’t know how some of you do it, I hope that doesn’t make me weird – I probably got too much info and I know where that mouth has been. So what then? Continue to be celibate? ok, but I will rip his eyes out when he cheats again. Is that even fair? Maybe try to start over? What if he tosses me aside in 10 years – I don’t think I can ever go through this hurt again. I need a solution.

I am thinking a happy divorced couple is where I would like to be. I hope I can get along with him and that would be healthy for our family. I cannot trust him. If I divorce him and he is fair in the settlement, we can be friends for the rest of our lives. And respect each others individual choices. He could be a prince after all. If played right it wouldn’t even need to be sad.

If he stays a toad and screws me in divorce, he will lose the love of his family. My kids are angry enough at him. If he chooses this path – the consequences will be losing a lot more than money. Why does this scare me more than him? Therapists said; I am doing all the feeling for him. Time to let him feel for himself.

My hope is to have enough grace and humility to focus on a healthy me and family and a happy divorce. I think it’s time to allow myself to be as concerned about me as I am about everyone else. Hopefully everything else will fall in place behind me.