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On a roll (role) to tired to check which one it is… but I have actually tried to convey this to my husband for years, even before I knew that he is a sex addict. (jesus, i still can’t wrap my mind around it!)
A man has to go after his woman.
right? am I dreaming? Isn’t this more or less an axiom of nature?
My h has been waiting for ME to come after him. I told him that isn’t sexy to me. I want to be pursued!
My husband claims he was never that way, but that is not true. I wouldn’t have gone on a second date with him, if he hadn’t shown that appreciative glance and that energy coming TOWARDS ME.
most of time, for years– he looks at me with disdain– not love. He’s not mad at me, just has a perpetual scowl on his face. (well, not outwardly mad… he probably IS mad at me… MAD AT ALL WOMEN!)
how can one not take it personally? how am I supposed to be attracted to that?
damn it… i wanted to be fucking seduced!
YES, EVEN IF ITS BY MY HUSBAND! WHO ELSE???
but no… he was out seducing EVERYONE ELSE!
I’M SO FUCKING PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats exactly what mine was doing. i never even got one compliment in 25 yrs!!! Lexie, you deserve more!
Nap, there we go again! Same thing here!! Only for 17 years instead of 25…. But still….
Lex,
My husband is responsible for ME not having a sex life for basically 17 years. From age 31 to 48, I didnt get (have) very much sex AT ALL. I am a sexual girl! I love sex! I want sex! I need sex! WTF??? Why did I stay?! Why, oh, why did I fucking stay!!??? That right there should have been a big enuf red flag! Looking back, it was a red flag as big as the flag they perform with on the professional football field!! (You know, the band or whoever)…
Come to find out on D day, he’s been crisscrossing all over the Midwest screwing anything and everything!! Ugh!!! For YEARS!!! Thank GOD we didn’t have sex!! It was worth the sacrifice to not catch a life threatening disease!!!As I recall, you are not even attracted to your SAH?? In fact, I think you used the word repulsed?? And that was BEFORE we found out about SA!! Figure out how you can get out of this mess and GO!!! If we, the sisters can help- SAY THE WORD!! You have my support in whatever capacity! I will come help you move, give you furniture, give you money, Whatever!!
As always, love to you,
Silver
Hi Lexie!
I think that you are totally right. I was reading a book on dating. She says never never ask a man our or pursue a man. Not that she is old school there is a reason. It is because men like to be the ones that pursue you, if they do not pursue you and you pursue them, they do not value you as much as you were “easy to get”. They almost lose respect in a way for you and themselves, as he may have not been the one to make the first move.but i do think that a man has to make the first move. I want/wanted to be pursued by my h as well. But i think when they do not pursue you, it filters into all other areas of life..do not pursue a job, do not pursue much of anything (that my h anyway). And it just may be a sign of his personlity. But you have been caught my dear. He probably feels he no longer needs to prove anythign to you, and even if you told him, it does not matter, you are married to the guy. The old ball and chain. He is the last person he will chase. A good amoutn of why the addict does what they do…is the thrill of the hunt, wether their next GF, porn pic, sex chat…the new we just met and are in love feeling…they also feed off of. And many sex addicts like that new euphoric feeling, and they do not get that with us. So therefore they pursue in essence new relationship after new relationship for that high as well. Many sex addicts are no good at the initmacy part of anything, therefore resort to these activities to fill their the void as they are lost.
Love,
FloraTo add to Flora,
With total confusion and sadness I explained to my prior counselor that I was VERY available to my h sexually throughout our entire marriage of now 22 years. Whatever and whereever he wanted, in general, I tried to do as often as my energy permitted. I gave so often when I did not want to – thought it was my duty. Anyway, she said plainly to me, “He wanted the forbidden.”
That explains it. He wanted the forbidden. The thrill of the high-risk behavior. No matter what I did, it would never have been enough. Because we were married, I would never be the forbidden. That explained it well.
SAD BUT TRUE, our most used or thought of statement!
Lex,
I am with Silver Lining. We want to help you. I don’t have a dime to give you, but what I do have I can offer.
You would make a great waitress. (I was thinking about you yesterday.) They can make great money. One waitress I know works at the restaurant in Nordstroms. She makes some good money and benefits I think. Time to roll in the dough on a regular basis. Much love, B.
Oh Honeys… all of you… you make me cry…
B– guess what? I WAS a waitress. Eight years of grueling, back breaking, oft-times shat on disgusting work. But I WAS pretty good at it, simply because my MO is to be as good as I can at anything I do. My biggest fear, when I was 30, that I would be still STUCK waitressing at 40.
Now, I’m 55 and its not like I’m snubbing my nose at the job. I admire anyone who does it and I’m overly generous with my tipping because I DO understand. But its not how I see myself.
I see myself living on this ginormous estate… that looks like the English countryside or in Italy– I am answering the door, looking centered, graceful, warm, happy and am inviting my guests in… The path to the front door is shrouded in Vines and Wisteria…
My husband just called… he wants us to all go to the beach.
He doesn’t get it. We’re not a family anymore.
He ripped it all to shreds. He tore my heart out and now he wants me to do it for THEM? For our children?
Too bad he wasn’t considering me OR his children when he was whipping out his member for some whore with a web cam. (somehow, that one disturbs me the most. because “virtual sex” just outside what used to be OUR bedroom feels just so, so gross, I can’t stand it)
Hi Lexie,
Tell him to take the girl with: “her fingers up wet places” to the beach. Then tell him to F.O. and it doesn’t mean ‘far out’!
Love Naphere’s what he said:
I’m sure this doesn’t count for anything, but I am done with Sarah. Done and finished. We will not be getting anything at all, tangible or intangible, from each other ever again. That was another life. A double life. I’m through with it. Quite apart from what it’s done to you, it’s wrecked me too. Nothing is clearer to me today.
I have no clue what goes on at S-anon meetings. I would’ve thought there’d be no opportunity to attribute blame to the other spouse.
My wish for you to allow me to help you is always going to be there. I think you know that you just have to ask.
What?!?! Is this whole thing from him. I don;t understand the last sentence….If you were drowning, would he not help you unless you say “help me, i’m drowning”. So passive. Ugh. I feel the anger boiling a bit. Help me, help you, crap. I personally did not want anything from my SA but honesty and to stand up and be a man. My guess is you lexie are looking for the same thing. Statements like these are the typical cat and mouse game, where it appears he is there for you, but if you want anything from him for real you will have to beat it out of him, and write his itinerary and every move.
Gee glad he is done with Sarah…what a warped world that he thinks you should be happy he is done with sarah. Well he never should have taken up with sarah in the first place. Ugh. Sorry Lexie. I hope you are able to enjoy your weekend, love, Flora
Lexie,
I find his response a bit aloof and sort of arrogant: “despite what its done to you, it’s wrecked me too”. Not alot of taking resposibility, empathy, remorse. Seems very weak.Is he a narcissist Lexie?
love, Nap
“tangible or intangable” from Sarah again. WTF??? Sounds like they were in a business together. I would need that translated!
righto, you both are. Ya know… she flew from Cali to NY to be with him and he’s so cheap, he didn’t even spring for the hotel room.
He’s been trying to pin something on me. While I maintain that we haven’t had sex in 10 years, one time, right after I met the composter, I was feeling particularly horny, so I seduced my husband, two nights in a row. That was early December 2006.
He couldn’t perform, but he pleasured me and it was kinda not so great… In our early years, I thought that he was a fantastic lover, but of course… he was already deeply involved with his other chicks. 🙁
He has tremendous performance anxiety, which goes back to his childhood and adolescence where he attempted to lose his virginity to a hooker in Holland (where its legal, of course0– ick) and couldn’t perform. He was 18 and it was his first time with a strange woman in a strange place in a strange country.
I told him that it would be bizarre if he COULD get it up! And furthermore, his hooker most likely had man hatred issues and had no interest in being in the least bit sexy for him.
He still doesn’t get that the reason that I fell in love with him, in the first place, was because that erotic sexual energy that he had in the beginning, was intoxicating– and then, little by little, it diminished, along with the rest of him.
My older son said. “the problem with Dad is that he’s afraid to grab life by the balls.”
(that is, UNTIL I told him that we’re through!) 🙁
its really sad. I’m just terribly, terribly sad… my boys are both home now. I danced today and had lunch with two close friends, but I’m still just so sad
So, Lexie,
Is there any chance, if he goes to the beach, that he would be swept away, or drown himself?
i’m just saying….hey… don’t give me any ideas!
he once told me, maybe in the last couple of years, that he has considered suicide because then, I would get the insurance money. (yeah… enough to get out of debt and that is all) 🙁
and he wonders why I don’t come after him… he thought i was more “liberated” than that. ugh.
he could be Hugh Jackman (hubba hubba) and after years of that attitude (along with the belching and farting, bad breath, BO, disgusting caps on his baby teeth that should’ve been replaced at least 20 years ago, dirty clothing, scabby skin, unkempt hair), I would lose interest, verrrrrry quickly.
I reminded him that the way we have sex is for him to rub my feet for 10 seconds each. Then, he retorted that I NEVER rub his feet.
Absolutely not! I would be risking my life, if I came within a yard of one of his feet! They are naaaaaaasty!
Lexie – you know what he wrote – that sounds so familiar like a whole load of stuff my husband wrote to me – terribly detached and well, just a bit wierd. I wonder if they get a book or something on how to pacify the extremely pissed off, desperately hurting, traumatised spouse? Perhaps we could write a book of put downs to counter the crap?
Because it is – it sounds hollow to me. It always has. I had a whole load of texts about how he was praying that we could be back together and blah blah blah. It was odd. Very little sounds real.
THey really really don’t get it do they?ps. which beach? I could do with a beach holiday – could do a bit of messing about in a speedboat with a whole row of sex addicts on waterskis behind the boat – then cut the rope mid-atlantic? oh heck – repent repent repent!
I know… what happened to “I love you, Lexie” “I married you for life and I’m going to move heaven and earth to make this up to you.”
but that is what he should’ve said FIVE YEARS AGO when he left his cyber sex chats OPEN on MY laptop! And he promised he would stop and did he???
nope… he just kept right on going and going and fucking me over more and more.
NOW, I’m supposed to believe him, when he says that he’s DONE with all of that?
why now? why not then?
well, he’s done now, because I am leaving him.
makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
Lexie,
You’re a beautiful person inside and out. You will find so much joy outside this ‘marriage’ you have been in. The world awaits you Lexie and it will be exciting…..doesn’t that sound good, it’s the truth and all you have to do is step out to step in. It’s your play and you’re the star. Please do not waste anymore of your life with this ‘man’. You will blossom, I know it.
Love, Nap
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