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Hi Lexie,
When you tell us what your husband is saying, you are relaying the words of a man who isn’t accepting responsibility for his choices, who is trying to find ways, some subtle and some not so subtle, to blame you for his choices and the status of your relationship, and a man who is desperately trying NOT to have to get into or embrace recovery, a man who doesn’t want the status quo to change. How do I/we know? Because we’ve all heard it before from our own. Because that’s how they all start. Some will get into recovery for the right reasons, some will get into recovery for the wrong reasons and then embrace it for themselves, some will fake recovery, and some won’t even pretend. I don’t have any idea which category your husband will fall into, but as long as you ARE interested in changing the status quo and not open to the manipulation and deceit that have worked so beautifully for him before..it doesn’t really matter. Hold your ground, girl. Don’t believe anything he says. Only believe what he does. Assume that everything coming out of his mouth right now is a lie or to manipulate and watch his actions to find out what he’s really thinking…and his actions should be consistent over time. You are really an amazing woman, I’m sure you always have been:) And if he doesn’t know that, he can add that to his long list of problems.And Lexie…..it IS terribly, terribly sad. So sorry:(
MarieThanks all… yes, tonight, he actually WASHED the barbecue grill… now, that probably sounds normal, but hang on… because that one act alone, set me off into a fit of agonizing tears… I couldn’t stop sobbing… deep, deep sobs and noises I’ve never heard coming from my throat, ever before.
You see, for years he would say… “do you HAVE to barbecue?”
“I’m not washing up!”
total indifference. (although our children, absolutely go apeshit for my barbecued chix) He’s a vegetarian (because when he moved here, he was too cheap to buy meat and then, I guess he just lost his taste for it, except for pussy meat, of course– not mine) 🙁 God, please forgive the crassness, but it is CRASS. Its absolutely the grossest!
and NOW— NOW!!! he’s cleaning the fucking grill for the first time in his life!!!
how rich.
Then, he came up to my room to try and “comfort” me…but, I shoved him off
and then………………
he told me that he was trying to get rid of some of our accumulated “clutter.” no joke. he’s in a cleaning frenzy. wtf is THAT all about???
I told him that the only clutter I can see is HIM and his FUCKING computer! and then I begged him to GET THE FUCK OUT!
He spent the next two hours in the basement, reading (his sex addict book? dunno)
The boys and I barbecued (well mostly me) and I made corn, and potatoes and we had a feast with some really good beer that my 21 yr old bought. the boys ate themselves into a stupor.
I am so, so sad… Our family has been ripped apart. Yes, we’re quirky and weird and alternative, but its ALL I FUCKING HAVE IN THIS WORLD!!! I could’ve and would’ve worked on this. I TRIED! I sought out help and I took him with me! (well, one time– guess he figured that was all it took to “fix” things)
but all of the memories… keep flooding back… the time when my son was deathly ill with double pneumonia at 14, and the struggles we had with the kids… special events, work, all of it, my depression. my loneliness… my sacrifice. I thought we were in this TOGETHER. I thought he wanted to make me happy. I thought he loved and cherished me.
nope, not really.
but it took everything i had to submit myself to a man, in the first place. He was my first real relationship and I was nearly 30… he was so good to me– in the beginning.
i married my husband because he was so kind and giving and loving and ABSOLUTELY NUTS ABOUT ME AND SO PROUD TO HAVE ME AS HIS GIRLFRIEND, then fiance and then???
i knew that he would never even think of hurting me.
he loved me.
I went through every step of this with my trusted therapist, then… Yes, he was my prince. He was a GOOD MAN.
oh, i know… it was fake? that’s what i would say to one of you. but it didn’t FEEL fake.
do you want to know one of the things that hurts the most. I read an email from someone THAT I DO NOT KNOW… AND SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT MY HEALTH ISSUES!!! (from about 18 months ago)
how could he talk to someone that i have no idea who they are about my health? my body? me? do i not have any right to my own privacy??? am i just a piece of property?
Its not just about sex. Its about sharing, and a relationship and INTIMACY and the care and concern he showed over and over with someone who wasn’t his wife… but he had little if anything left for me.
that’s what really hurts. if he did not love me, then why didn’t he let me go, years ago… yet, he claims to have loved me.
wtf???
he says that he was “selfish.” but it goes waaaaaaaay beyond being selfish. We’re ALL selfish, or we should be.
no this isn’t selfishness. this is total disrespect. total disdain.
he KNEW that I was getting ON his computer(s) to do work for my business, because there is no link to the copier from my laptop… and yet… even AFTER the cybersex “accident” (5 years ago)) and other evidence that I found,(much more recently) he STILL had emails left on there, in his preview.
recent emails, from his fuck buddies. how unspeakably hurtful. Is that part of the dopamine high?
sadistic pleasure?
its cruel. how very very unthinkably cruel. Maybe we didn’t have sex but he NEVER FUCKING ASKED FOR IT OR GAVE IT, EITHER!!! and I’ve been a good wife in every other way. He told me that he never made a move on me… are you ready?
He was afraid that he couldn’t get it up. How disgustingly hurtful… so he can’t get it up, because my tits are too small? or I just don’t turn him on? (cause its not very sexy to fuck the cunt who mothered your children)
this is a total fuck you, to the one person that he promised to cherish and protect and love until one of us died.
why, why, WHY would a man GIVE UP EVERYTHING HE CHERISHED, just to whack off to some woman on cam and then, not anonymously, but in a RELATIONSHIP? (there was more than one of these “relationships”) How could he not understand that at some point, the limp cocks would come home to roost?
he’s usually so sensible– so logical– proper, to a fault. His speech is impeccable. His vocabulary is off the charts. He could’ve been anything that he wanted. He is a brilliant man who is working as a glorified custodian. (actually, janitors in our school district earn MORE than he does… nothing against janitors, but he’s a brilliant man and I’ve always told him so.
please, please… help me understand
I gave him my youth, I gave him his children and what did I get in return?
a toaster. WHERE’S MY FUCKING ANNIVERSARY RING??? The one that you give to tell her that you’d marry her all over again??? Oh, no… we don’t do that. That’s sentimental marketing bullshit.
that’s what he said.
No, Lexie, you get a toaster, a cheap 4-cup coffee maker and supermarket red roses that will be dead before you can even get them in the vase, even though I know that you don’t LIKE red roses and I’m only doing it, because I know that if I don’t, you will have my head on a platter. (I like roses of any OTHER color)
Oh God… tomorrow is our fucking anniversary.. Happy fucking anniversary to me.
TWENTY FUCKING THREE YEARS
God, as devastated as I’ve been all of these months, (and yes, of course, my marriage has always been a part of that equation) I never TRULY—FULLY got what y’all are going through; not until now.
i’m so scared.
its the money.
yes, i’m talented and smart and beautiful and funny and somehow, maybe its my depression or my own lack of esteem that’s gotten in my way… but I never would’ve betrayed my husband in that way.
i loved him.
i’m really scared. he screwed me in every way a man possibly could screw a woman, except for the right way.
love ~ L
Lexie,
I just feel your pain so deeply. In the past few months, I felt like I was arriving at a calmer, more rational place, but lately I’ve felt more like the way you are describing now. Maybe it’s the double punch of the two big d-days (I guess not dissimilar to what you’ve had, but 2 years apart for me, instead of 5.)
My husband is also Mr. Sensible and Logical. In fact, God forbid anyone approach a situation based on feelings instead of the almighty LOGIC. He is also just like yours in the way of gifts. Most holidays are “designed by Hallmark,” according to him. I was always the one to bring up our anniversary and say, “let’s go out do dinner”, or whatever.
I wish you strength and love on your anniversary tomorrow. Come hang out on SOS and do whatever you need to do! My 20th wedding anniversary is Sept. 28th. A year ago, I was facing it with optimism. Now it seems like a looming deadline. Ugh.
I love you and your quirky ways. I would love to try your chicken (esp. since cooking is not my thing), and take a ballet class with you!!
Love and BIG HUGS, ZGHi Lexie,
I think you should print out what you just wrote and give it to him on your anniversary. Its how you feel and its the truth. Then I’d ask him for $500 dollars so you can go out and buy yourself a nice present. When you get home after shopping, I wouldnt say one word to the man. Try to do something you enjoy and try to make it a good day for you. Sorry this is happening to you. This is just a suggestion of course.
Love, NapLexie, you are a fierce woman and it seems that there is so much passion in all that you do. The sad truth is that your h is probably in total awe of you. So hard to reconcile that with his seeming disregard for you, but it’s just not as simple as disregard. He certainly could have let you go years ago if that was his hearts’ desire. Men do it all the time. I just asked mine yesterday if during those years he wanted out. I mean youre laying in bed next to your wife burning with desire for so many others (oops I shouldn’t go there – it makes me nauseous). Why not just free yourself – and me too! These poor narcissistic, broken men just don’t know how to embrace the very thing that they are desperate for… Acceptance and love for who they are. Their addicted brain keeps them running in circles. Happy Anniversary anyways! We all love you! Lylo
Lexie,
this is why you are really here. It took a while peel to back the layers, but now you know exactly why you are here. And when the worst happened, you already belonged, you already knew us, we already loved you.And we will love you on your anniversary. They really really suck. And it hurts to realize what we built is not going to last, it’s already gone. But we made it and you will too. Hang around us tomorrow. We’ll try to be here when you need us.
Welcome to our newest member Lexie. See—-we think you are really special.
love you,
D.Diane, you bring tears to my eyes. What amazing women you all are. Ditto what Diane said, Lexie. (Although “ditto” is so 5 minutes ago, lol. I’ll say “copy and paste that!”)
I also wanted to jump in and thank Marie for her post. Marie, I wish I could have been here 2 years ago, after big D-day 1. Boy, did my SA say all of the right things (and I guess did none of them). And boy, did I optimistically listen. I feel so naive and stupid. I guess I need to try to embrace that I “get it” 2 years later and not 10 years later.
Lexie…we WILL make it! xoxoThank you so much guys– i mean ladies… no wait… uhhh… gals…ick… SISTERS!
I really laughed Diane, well it was sort of a sarcastic self-chortle, because I’ve been on here for about 22 months, maybe the oldest one, currently on here, and I’m just now…
coming outta the closet???
or is it facing the closet.
the one with all of those nasty skeletons in it.
its like I knew, but I didn’t want to know. ALL of the signs were there with him. Don’t have to repeat all of them. The ironic thing is those signs are not very attractive qualities for a person to have. They are not endearing and certainly NOT sexy.
But, I couldn’t begin to as Diane said, peel away the layers, until my son was safely ensconced in his therapeutic boarding school. As long as those children were here and demanding so much of my time and attention and sucking out any and all reserves, I had all I could do to stay afloat, amongst all of that and run a business, etc.
I went nuts earlier tonight. And my h asked me what happened, later on? We were talking so nicely yesterday.
He just doesn’t get it. he doesn’t understand how devastating this is to me, on so many levels and in so many ways. How one moment I will be fine and the next, it feels like I’m dying. Oh Gawd… why are all the shrinks on vacation now? That is really not right!
So, yeah… Welcome Lexie! Sorry that you have to be here, but so glad that you finally fucking woke up and saw the mess that has been lurking right outside your bedroom door for years and years…
(((hugs))) ~ Lexie
PS: I like your idea Nap!
Hi Lexie,
You sound so sad in your post. I really feel for you. If your therapist is away i would try to keep it on a little more even keel and try to avoid constant recycling of the past and bad event, until she is here to help you process all of this. Just a thought. Tomorrow i would do just as nap said, or typically i would buy myself something special on my own.And i understand how you feel. All those thought you had and are having i had them too. Its sad really sad, when you realize that who you thought was this great and wonderfull guy and your husband…turns out to be a nothing really. It was all a game, it was all lies, and you were just a prop or a game peice in the puzzle of his life. He will not get it, he may never get it, and quite frankly he has gotten away with it for well 20+ years. I am sure that when you had arguments (which I am sure he treats this as about the same, in that lexie will let it go after a while) and that you would forget or let it go after a while. And that as soon as you are done appearing to be mad at him and let your guard down …he will think…phew its past. I can go back to being me. My h thought that on a vacation we were on. Because i did not appear angry at him at every minute of the day. When we got back he said he felt like he was on vacation with his best friend, like in the movies. Gauge. Really? I said no i am still pissed at you and do not touch me or come near me. But this is how these guys think. Quite frankly i think the mantality that comes out of SAA and therapy is they will sit around and wait until “she gets over it” and things will all be fine. Personally for me, i wanted to see some mountains moved, and i wanted to see that RESPECT that i felt i deserved. If there is not respect in a relationship you have nothing. And in the end that is what it boiled down to for me. The lack of effort, job, SA addiction; is all a lack of respect for me and compelte disregard for my requests. I never want to live that way again. Its an awful existance. I don’t know if your h will ever get it or not, buts it is up to yu to decide what is good or not good enough. And the plan i am suggesting, while it does contain solid ideas like money and job plans, but also…if i do not see the h respect me in 1 year…i move out, or he moves out…long term goals. In that whatever happens between now and x you observe watch, but you have your goals and timeline of what to do for you. It is maddening to fight with someone who has no clue and you can’t make him have one. You can’t make him grow into a respectfull, caring person. You can’t make him grow up in essence. You cannot make him have these feeling that you would like him ot have. You cannot make him not be repulsive. Did you do JoAnn boundaries yet? Those are great.
But also would be interesting to chart out your life and the things you would like to change. Then make a plan for the things you can change and the things you cannot change.
That way you can try to create some sense of happiness even though you do not have what you truely want, which is freedom from the h. But having lived like you with someone i totally despise, i am hoping that some of these ideas i am throwing out there are helpfull, having come out theother side of the tornado so to speak.
Take care of yourself today Lexie. Take yourself out to a nice lunch/dinner and do some retail therapy.
Love,
FloraWe are learning all the time that each of us has to “get there” at our own speed, in our own time. We have different fears, other real worries (esp. children!) and milestones to reach, etc.
Then one day we are there.
Maybe its the sense that we will be safe after all. Or that one person has reached out that we needed to reach out. Or we finally let go of the dream that doesn’t really exist anymore. And we are just ready to entertain a very different future.
This is a very courageous bunch. I also was deeply moved my S-L’s posting on another thread, where she talks about her decision to leave and what it means for her.
Here we all are. It must mean something that we’ve found each other, and shared these horrible days and nights, and are inching forward—nudged, hugged, challenged, encouraged, informed, questioned, enjoyed, supported, and loved.
Gotta run. It’s “that” day.
thank you all so much.
D.I think we are quite the Motley Crew and I know every sister has something special to offer! Twisted Sister?? Lol… Why am I in such a “throw back” mood!?!!
Lexie,
I wish you knew how much my
Heart goes out to you right now! Your pain is so apparent and raw. Like Ms Lindy pointed out to me during one of my posts:“It’s not even what they are out doing right now, it’s about the lifetime of mistreatment.”
She will never know how validating those words were to me! I remember for weeks after D day, really absorbing the reality and having images of my marriage pass before my eyes. Suddenly, it all made sense….
Flora and Diane,
I love what you both contributed, as always!! It makes sense, outta a situation that just doesn’t MAKE SENSE!!!
Love to all!!
Thinking of you Lexie, and Flora and Dianes posts are very true. Also, read Silver’s post under “Sweet JoAnn”. Most of the truely ‘good things’ in life take courage. Fear and courage are good things because they help take us to a healthier and better place. My home literally has only in it a refrigerator, washer and dryer, 2 beds, and my cat. The hotel gave me my bedding and pillows. I wouldn’t trade this for anything!
Much love, NapNap – your home has you in it. The real you! The you that doesnt have to do the bullshit anymore. Each of us will find a way of dealing with the crap. We all do it in different ways, and I sincerely believe that so long as we are doing it out of truth, concern, love and respect for ourselves and we are protecting our children – whatever it is we decide, it is the right thing. If we’re not doing “it” with those considerations in place we are doing ourselves a disservice.
Thank you all for putting it all out there. I for one would have gone completely nuts last year if it hadn’t been for these sites… and look now! Off the anti-depressants and getting divorced… yep – still take the crap some days but mostly living unafraid and unashamed! I don’t know you all but I certainly feel the love around here. Isn’t it Dory on Finding Nemo – we just gotta keep on swimming and then we may find ourselves!
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