My Husband is a SA but treats me like a queen??

He wants sex outside the marriage, and to keep the marriage, they all seem to want that. Why not want it? A good wife/front who helps keep your status quo and family intact when you’re screwing around and playing with hidden lives, and who is a friend/lover/companion you actually like, is hard as hell to find. Replacing that has additional inconveniences from the breakup that have long term consequences most SAs don’t want to face. Well, neither do we, but then we didn’t get a vote on the first half of this, just the clean-up.

He probably is telling the truth in that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. Without you his life and all it’s complications could easily overwhelm him. Too bad, so sad. When you play, you pay. That’s my take. He KNOWS he has the best and he’s screwing it up and so he’s using what he knows works, they all do. How do we think that if they JUST recognized how great our relationship is/could be, they’d stop? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. They know they’ve got it good. They don’t stop. They get complacent and entitled and just collect more and ‘better’ experiences on top of the best of the best. Who does that? To the best person they know? Do you want to live with that person, that does that?

Other than going to men (which many of the others do, too) he doesn’t sound that original. Most of them aren’t raging abusers, just Jekyl/Hyde liars.

I have to go back to the core of “what is a marriage?” There is only one thing a husband brings to a woman that she is NEVER going to get from another man, if the marriage is honored. He is her lover. And ONLY her lover. And she is only his. Marriage vows state you will be exclusive to one another. Whatever else he does, a hired hand could do. A friend, neighbor, brother, heck, even girlfriend.

A husband cannot treat you like a queen while he’s screwing other human beings. He has pledged his sexuality to you. THAT’s yours. If he gives it to anyone else, he’s robbing the marriage and you.

My two cents. Of course, there are other marriage arrangements, but if we had those, why would we be here? The sisterhood is for women crushed by a man’s choice to exercise sexuality outside what we have been led to believe is a monogamous marriage/relationship, in my understanding. I know my SJ was so confused when I didn’t want to reunite because he did all this nice “stuff” for me afterwards. WTF? Do I freaking care at all? NO!! It infuriated me because he had the opinion that there was anything he could put in place of fidelity and brush off his hands and say “there, I fixed it”. I didn’t marry for someone to buy me freaking jewelry and take me to a resort. Damn, that’s just like his freaking prostitutes. Then he took another one out and did the same thing with them, three days later, and then he wants me to think that FIXES things?

Delusional.

I’m not sure he is an SA. Maybe he is gay and just cannot come out of the closet for whatever reason and you provide cover. In that case, I’m sure he does love you.

Could be.

I don’t buy the whole addicted to sex thing. It makes no sense.

I have heard all about the terrible childhood stuff and I am very sorry. How that translates into hookers I have no clue…..

My SA apparently had no trauma from his childhood that caused his addiction to sex so kinda gotta cross that off the list of useable excuses. I on the other hand had a jacked up childhood and I’m not out sleeping around with lots and lots of strange people.

I don’t think he is simply gay if he is contacting men and women and everything in between. I also do NOT believe he loves you to death. He wants to continue using you just as he has all along. What they say doesn’t mean a hill of beans. The ONLY thing that counts with these guys is what they do and if he is on every dating site then he is doing what he always did. Good for you for figuring that out. People who love you do NOT hurt you repeatedly. That is a complete no brainer in my book. Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Karen

It’s so confusing when someone treats you well and hurts you at the same time. What to believe? What is real? It seriously messes with your head and heart.

I’m sorry d. I agree with jomard. It is so confusing. It would make more sense if they were assholes all the time. My grandmother has been in hospital 7 weeks today. I can go and have a normal conversation with her about the children, work etc etc. she will be totally lucid then in the next breath she tells me the woman is selling ‘the place’. ( the hospital) which she thinks is a boarding house. She puts my head into a spin. It would be easier if she was in crazy town all the time. Living with my husband is the same. He is so kind and loving and sometimes I almost forget about what he has done. Then I remember and I am caught off balance again. How can this man be the same one who did all those horrid things in our marriage?

dawne,

mine treated me like a queen for the first 12 years. nicest guy in the world. nice to me, mean to his mom. ask anyone around. he is the GREATEST guy!

then i got pregnant. slowly, bit by bit he started treating me badly and being nice to his mom (go figure). at his worst in the last 10 years, he physically threatened me, emotionally abused me, manipulated me, stole from me, put my life in danger through secondary contact with crack-using whores from the worst neighbourhood in my country (and some say in north america) for drug use and infection , accused me of an incestuous relationship with my lovely son in front of him when he was 8 years old, lied to me daily, neglected me when i was injured, threatened to not pay child support.. it goes on..

i’ll say it again. he treated me like a queen for the first ten years.

not saying that will be your experience, but it was mine. living a double life has nasty consequences. i don’t care what you call it, a disease, an addiction, an illness, a personality disorder.

and it gets worse and worse with time if left unchecked. and the partner suffers the most. it may be possible to turn this trajectory around. but it didn’t happen in my experience, even though he considers himself the ‘model’ recovered addict – he doesn’t act in sexually complulsive ways anymore, he is still an asshole deep down when cornered. even though he is back to being nice to me most of the time, the mask slips and i see gollum, staring me in the face, beady eyes and all.

sorry if that’s negative.

thanks for sharing, and for being open, that takes bravery.

xoxo

I have been sick with bronchitis all week. He’s been very nice to me lately. Gosh, he called me 13 times today. I remind myself it’s just part of the cycle. Although, the niceness phase can mess with my mind.

Mine treated me like a queen for the first 9 years. The man I knew and loved was amazing, kind, wonderful, caring, gentle, made me feel safe and so loved. Everyone in my life said they were jealous of my perfect relationship. He was my best friend ever since I was 17. He was the love of my life. My life with him thoughout those 9 years, and living together, was so good, I was so happy. There is no way I could have ever predicted what would happen to us. I still have grief and shock, find myself crying at night not being able to come to terms with it — that this was to be our future. I’m in tears just writing it.

Finding out his addiction changed everything. It’s been very difficult for me transitioning from 9 years of the happiest years of my life — where he made truly feel loved, valued, adored, cherished, he always made time for me, did everything for me, made me feel so cared for — to abuse. Being neglected, nameless, invisible, worthless, and a lot of times being treated with less respect and care than an animal or corpse. I say that with complete truth and no exaggeration– he would treat them better than me. In a bad week, I asked him what would it take for him to treat me like a human being — he said he doesn’t know, but he’d probably do it if a man pointed a gun to this head. I feel like I am in another world.

I hate myself for not being able to finally leave him permanently — as in get him out of my life entirely. I am under no illusion that he loves me, even though he says it to me. The main reason is fear has completely gripped me — I fear he will punish me on a huge scale if I leave. So for now, staying in his life is my safest option, until I can somehow sort myself out more. May not make sense to others, however, if you were in my life you would get it. Our contact is mainly only the phone. I only see him briefly once per 1-2 months. Been trying my best to live a life on the side, separate from him. It helps.

Hi Dawne – if he is still cruising websites nothing has changed. It took tremendous courage for you to move out, it takes even more courage to move on – and each step has to be taken in it’s own time. It helped me to see that I couldn’t swing every time he went from the sublime to the ridiculous – that’s him. Creating steadiness for yourself and staying true to accepting what you want from him not what he wants to give is an incremental process – sad you are here, that we are all here, but glad to have found it!