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Hi Dawne – if he is still cruising websites nothing much has changed:-( It took tremendous courage for you to move out, it takes even more courage to move on – for me each step had to be taken in it’s own time. It helped me to see that I couldn’t swing every time he went from the sublime to the ridiculous – that’s him. Creating steadiness for myself and staying true to accepting what I wanted from him rather than what he wants to give me, has been an incremental process – sad you are here, that we are all here, but glad to have found us!
Victoria – I so feel for you and understand your fear and anguish – I hope that you will find the full support that you need to flourish in who you are – which is a brilliant, insightful, and important woman. I know that we all lose that for a time but your posts here are a testament to that truth…I hope that you connect with Catherine xo
Thanks so much for all your caring responses. You truly are amazing women and it’s comforting to know I have a place to go and vent without being judged! xo
Victoria I understand. Don’t hate yourself. Learn to love yourself and you will have the power you need to get through this. I see you as Meg does, brilliant and insightful. I know that you will flourish one day….the day you come to love yourself for the wonderful women you are. Xxx
Victoria, I do not judge you. I am in no place to judge you. Who else in her right mind stays with a controlling man who doesn’t even pretend to be in recovery for 7 years. At least you are no longer living with your SA. I love your post Courtney.
Hurt does not = love. Pillow quote?
Thank you Meg, Catherine, and SOT. You are all brilliant women yourselves. Honored to have your support and understanding.
Sometimes I feel these micro moments overcome me, where I’m frozen at the disaster scene. Like seeing a person explode or building collapse, and not being able to fully comprehend the destruction. Fine one minute, obliterated the next. Staring at the blood and rubble, in shock.
More about the abuse, than sex addiction — by the way.
Victoria I feel the same way.. I feel like Im stuck!!! I’m stuck in the shock mode. I wonder if it will ever pass. Trust me I get angry and clear out when momma explodes!! I’m Italian and my Irish SAH does not stand a chance. But then I find myself back to the shock phase. I wonder if its normal to want to believe that the SA behavior truly can stop? I’m so confused .
I am in a state of different shock. Even if the SA stuff can stop is that good enough? Does it make up for all the lies and betrayals? I can’t get past that. It’s not anger. It’s just fact. I don’t even think about what he is doing any more. I think about what was taken from me and wonder how I ever forgive such a crime…….
Maybe I am weird 🙂
bev, you are normal. you are one of the most grounded and normal people i know. the forgive part is hard for me too. i’m not sure if i will be able to either.
my answers to your questions above (no it isn’t good enough) are why i’m divorcing DW. and i don’t think it is good enough for you either. or for your kids. i think even in ‘perfect’ recovery, these guys are not quite men, they are ghosts who have just learned a new set of behaviours that will get them what they want. (which is what mine has always done, it’s just a different set of behaviours and wants now in ‘recovery’ it isn’t real. )
i know i can be frank with you, i believe you deserve better. i understand that it isn’t that simple, but that’s my two cents. xoxo
Cali I’m Italian too. I hope the shock phase passes. For me, I feel it’s probably the denial stage of the grief process. I can cry all night about it — “how can this have been our future?” I feel like I have grieved the man I loved, I rarely think of him, but I have not fully grieved the relationship.
Bev – I think that stage of not really being angry at him and not worrying about whether or not he is currently “acting out” is the stage that is probably the healthiest for making decisions. I was stuck in the “is he still doing it?” stage for months and once we separated, I was able to reflect on what he had done and it really doesn’t matter if he’s still doing it – what he has done is enough. Do I want him to “recover”, absolutely. But for his sake (I do still care for him although it’s more in a friendship/brotherly type of way) and for the sake of his relationship with our daughters. For us, anything he does now is too little too late. Maybe that isn’t the answer some sisters want to hear – there is no magic 8 ball that will tell you if they can change or not. What someone has to come to terms with is: “Can I live with what he has done?”
And Victoria – that’s exactly where I’m at…grieving the loss of “us”. And that is what it is, a grieving process.
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