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I’ve only posted once here. Shortly after my first post, my life was spinning out of control fast. I kicked my H out of the house and a week later, after a conference call with Dr. Magness and an appointment with Dr. Barbara Levinson, he was admitted to an in-patient facility last Wednesday. I can’t even begin to explain the chaos, but I’m sure most you can relate. In a 2 hour session, Dr. Levinson said he’s a compulsive liar (no big surprise), OCD (immediate meds needed), SAA and much much more… She recommended in patient because he’s so suicidal, making “plans” more than 3 times a week and he basically wasn’t able to go in public without freaking out. I call him the “mental predator”: no man, woman, or child is safe in his mind. I had cut most communications with him and set up several new boundaries when I kicked him out. On our conference call with Dr. Magness, my H told Dr. M how he had thought of killing himself last night with his gun. Dr. M said he wasn’t ready for an intensive (exactly). And having to go and pick up his gun, which I didn’t know he had taken with him after I kicked him out, was not a fun day.
He’s been acting out for at least 25 years, he’s only 30. Lying is second nature. He abuses his own body, he’s done thing to animals, had sex for the first time with a person behind a curtain and then went back a month later to have anal sex (what a way to lose your virginity), cyber sex, same sex activities, threesomes, just to name a few. All of which, I didn’t know until 2 months ago. And the last thing that was so hurtful, and I’m having a hard time getting over, was when he told me about the parts of my body he is “disappointed with”. Though he has been “disappointed” with some aspect of each person he has ever been with. And I know, it’s not about me, but still it’s hurtful.
So I had to drive him there to this facility, it’s about 5 hours from our house. We drove up the night before so that he could be admitted and then I could get back home. I have three children and a friend was staying with them last minute. We stayed in a hotel and I cried myself to sleep. I actually started praying and the tears just wouldn’t stop. My hair was wet I cried so much and I’m not one that cries all that much. I was relieved that he was going, but scared about my life and my kids. Everything happened so fast there was no time to prepare for anything. He will probably be there for 45 days to 90 days, depending on what the doctors assess. So this is a long term situation.
And now that he’s gone, I’m still relieved I don’t have to worry about him in the back of mind. But the reality of his SA has hit me like a tidal wave. I’ve only known for a little over two months. He has shared just about everything with me, including his everyday disgusting thoughts. And that’s why I kicked him out. I feel like I was hit with that wave. And now, the big wave of dealing with our life. Talking to credit card companies/bills, his company’s disability department, the HR department & his family. The realization that if we don’t get his disability, we will definitely be in the hole each month. It’s summer time and my kids want to do things, fun things. And I’m stressed about spending any extra money. Dealing with my job and the time I have had to take off because of this/him. And having to visit him from time to time and it being so far away, again I have kids and the extra money to do that. And he’s working on “him” which is great, they are in sessions from 8 am to 8 pm almost everyday. But he tells me he went for a run in the morning and then a run in the afternoon. And then he walked around the 15 acre campus and watched the hummingbirds. And I’m here, dealing with a million phone calls a day, full time job, kids to feed, bills to pay…and he’s there watching the hummingbirds. Again, he needs to be there, but the fact is I’m completely overwhelmed. I have a few friends that have been so great, so helpful. But it’s just stressful. And knowing this is how it’s going to be for a few months is almost too much to bear. And somehow, I’m supposed to be doing my recovery work…
Coupled with the horrible things he’s done to me and said to me, with this overwhelming responsibility of trying to make our life stay afloat I am generally just pissed at him. He gets a 15 min phone call a day. Last night, he said…you sound exhausted. And so I just told him, calmly, what I thought of him and what he’s done to me. He said, yes I have been thinking of the irony of it all. I rolled my eyes. It’s more like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. He says he’s sorry and that he loves me. He doesn’t know what love is. I’m sorry this is so long. I just need to vent. I go back and forth with wanting to stay and work it out, to running as fast as possible in the other direction. When I talk to him tonight, I’m going to give him the “updates” from his work and then tell him to call his mom or sister. I just don’t want to deal with him because I “deal” with him and his SA all day long. I do try to take a few minutes everyday to just not think about it, but it’s not enough. I don’t want to make any decision in an emotionally charged state, but this is getting to me.
Dear Michelle–
so sorry for what has happened to you — you are handling yourself so well. If it is any consolation, first few months after my D day – which had many of deviant sexual behaviors you name here with my SA– I too was staying/ going/staying going — it’s been that way for a full year until recently I made some resolve. And it is sooo normal!! Allow yourself to vascillate, feel angry, let it out. and yes, you are taking on huge responsibility while he is away. And I think it is sooo amazing and cognizant of you, to not make a decision in an emotional rash state. You need time to think it through.
I think once disability is in place, and bills and phone calls are managed, and it allows for time alone for you — once kids are down for the night — you will find some clear thinking. In many ways, I think the in patient, despite its negatives financially, is such a blessing for you in many ways. I think time apart at this early stage is crucial for your healing. You are stronger than you will ever know, SA tests that with us– and you can make the right decisions for you and your children. You are in the power seat, remember that, not him.
Also, I hope you can find some child care help — and a therapist, that can help a partner of addict. Recovery Nation was a good starting point for me, you can access online. so glad for your post — everyone here remembers their D day. So glad you found us, we are with you.Also — your 3 children – are they from this marriage? Remember to document as much as possible. The fact that he is in an in patient facility can help you in re: to custody, should you decide to divorce down the line.
Dear Michelle,
You are a truly extraordinary person. But you need some support. This can’t go on. Please get yourself a therapist and look after yourself. It is unfair and grotesque that you are working like a dog without any support and he’s having his in-patient “all about me” experience. So now, his life and your life are “all about him”. How many lives does he get to absorb into his dark place?Clearly he is damaged human being who needs compassionate and skilled care….but it is obvious he is not a candidate for a marriage relationship. YOu need solid legal advice, and trained therapeutic support. And keeping the marriage together should not be a priority at this time. If it survives, it can’t be on the back of your sanity and broken spirit.
Ask for the help you need. Ask until you get it. Tell the story. Don’t back away from it. AFTER you get a lawyer and and therapist, bring in family or friends who might be able to help. That’s not always something you can count on, and sometimes they want you to make it go away, but with a lawyer and a therapist underneath you, you will know how to respond, and seek the support you need.
It stinks. It really stinks. This is a really hard spot you are in, but you will find the way out, one step at a time.
Holding you and your children in the LIght,
D.Hi Michelle -Pam-C and Diane have pretty much said it all, but just want to add my prayers and support to you. I can’t even identify with what you are going through because I haven’t suffered the same trauma. I know you must be physically and emotionally exhausted.I agree with Diane that your’e SA is not a candidate for a marriage and you should not try to make any decisions at this time of devestation in your life. Just take care of yourself, let your anger out, and have the mindset your husband literally made his bed – now let him lie in it. He is not worth the energy to focus on him. I know easier said than done, but make yourself a priority right now.
Love coming your way.Oh, and that crap about him being “disappointed” with you and your body….classic narcissist. Who the hell do these guys think they are? You ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!
My SA was working on the 4th? step of doing his “rigorous personal inventory” of his faults. Guess how he heard that task…well he ended up with pages about what was wrong with me, and NOBODY called him on it (but me, of course).
I know I’m giving a strong response, but I really feel like you are at a crossroads, and a great deal is at stake here. Do what you need to do to get the money, and start your own acct. now. If the marriage is going to survive, it needs to survive under the conditions of you assigning priority one to you and your children. Because you no longer have a partnership. If it is recovered and renewed that’s fine. But for now, stay focussed and NOT on his recovery.
You are strong and loving and wise. You are who you need to be, and who your children need you to be. Step into your strength and lead.
Dear Michelle,
I’ve thought about you all day today and every time I went to write you I could not even put into words what I feel for you right now. I will try now, if I can…I’m so sorry you are going through such a nightmare and trauma right now, also being just 2 months past D day. You must be so busy reacting to everything its hard for you to think and even have time to take care of you. I just want you to know I care about you and I’m thinking of you. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Your friend, love, napPS. Please keep in touch
I can relate some to what you are going through. When my SA went away for a 2-week (which ended up being 3 weeks and probably should have been longer) intensive, I had extreme resentment towards him. He was told to attend Yoga classes (to help get in touch with himself) and he had a really nice room with all the amenities, and he was eating well. All the while I was holding down the fort, feeding all the animals on the ranch, cleaning pens, taking care of the house and the dogs and cats, running all the errands, paying all the bills, you name it, I was handling it all and he seemed to be relaxed and “finding himself”. But I also heard the hard parts of what he was going through. With the help of the psychologist he spent many a day constantly crying and laying out the story of his young life that was painful and he didn’t want to relive but was forced to so he could face his problems and find out where they originated from. It was a difficult time for both of us, but looking back I can see how he desperately needed it, I needed to hear it, and he needed to deal with it. After one week of his phone calls telling me of his progress and hearing him cry but yet talk about how proud he was of himself, I finally contacted the doctor and told him that I didn’t think we should talk for a while. The whole second week there was no communication between us. It killed him. He was so afraid that he had lost me that he was panicking. He managed to get an email off to me by using his phone (he wasn’t supposed to be allowed to do that) and that’s how I know he was panicked. But this was the solitude that I needed to seperate myself from him and clear my mind. When week 3 came along we started talking on the phone again and we both handled it much better and became hopeful. This is a very long and painful process for both of you. Just realize how important it is that he is not fighting the process. At least he is there, let him do the work. You need to stay strong, take care of yourself and those beautiful children the best you can, and please make time to see a therapist. One hour a week, dedicated to meeting with a therapist that specializes in trauma will make all the difference in the world. You will begin to feel some relief at that point. Please stay with us online. We’ve all been there in some form or fashion and we are here to help. There are tons of virtual hugs here for you. Take them and hold on tight.
(((HUGS)))
cbslife –
I hear what you are saying. A very good post. Michelle must be totally devestated, and understandably so. I gave up on Steve about 2 months ago, but I am seeing a newness in awareness. We talked today about how he has come to realize once an addict always an addict. We talked about my boundaries, and he understands, I think for the first time, how necessary they are for me to re-build trust. We also talked about the addicted brain, and how that may never change, but maybe we can make our marriage work in the way we are proceeding now – boundaries in place, that may, in reality, always have to be there. He is not defensive anymore, and is able to OWN his behavior. This is a paridigm shift for him, and I do not feel there is any sinister motive behind it. The only problem he is having now is becoming defensive when confronted – he is doing much better and owning it.
Michelle has a long road ahead of her – I have been working on it for 3+ years now. Ho[pefully, her SA has reached rock bottom and will honestly work toward recovery. It really takes a long time for them to “get it”, if ever.
I am referring to JoAnn’s 80/20 rule. I am now beginning, for the first time, to feel happier with him 80% of the time. Hopefully it will continue. If not, I have finally reached the point where I can deal with it – No trauma.
I know this may sound corny, but every night I open the Bible, and it always sends me a message to continue to work this thing out. I am not a “Bible thumper,” but it has truly spoken to me on how I should proceed with my life with Steve. I have a woman’s bible, and before reading the chapter in it, it has a synopsis of what it is saying before reading the chapter. It is bizzare, never thought these things could happen, but it spells out, very specifically, that I should remain married to Steve, and things will work out. Am I a religous fanatic – never have been before, but I feel the Bible is speaking to me. Ya, Every one – make fun of me. I think since I have become active in Stephen Ministry, I have grown in my faith.cbslife –
I hear what you are saying. A very good post. Michelle must be totally devestated, and understandably so. I gave up on Steve about 2 months ago, but I am seeing a newness in awareness. We talked today about how he has come to realize once an addict always an addict. We talked about my boundaries, and he understands, I think for the first time, how necessary they are for me to re-build trust. We also talked about the addicted brain, and how that may never change, but maybe we can make our marriage work in the way we are proceeding now – boundaries in place, that may, in reality, always have to be there. He is not defensive anymore, and is able to OWN his behavior. This is a paridigm shift for him, and I do not feel there is any sinister motive behind it. The only problem he is having now is becoming defensive when confronted – he is doing much better and owning it.
Michelle has a long road ahead of her – I have been working on it for 3+ years now. Ho[pefully, her SA has reached rock bottom and will honestly work toward recovery. It really takes a long time for them to “get it”, if ever.
I am referring to JoAnn’s 80/20 rule. I am now beginning, for the first time, to feel happier with him 80% of the time. Hopefully it will continue. If not, I have finally reached the point where I can deal with it – No trauma.
I know this may sound corny, but every night I open the Bible, and it always sends me a message to continue to work this thing out. I am not a “Bible thumper,” but it has truly spoken to me on how I should proceed with my life with Steve. I have a woman’s bible, and before reading the chapter in it, it has a synopsis of what it is saying before reading the chapter. It is bizzare, never thought these things could happen, but it spells out, very specifically, that I should remain married to Steve, and things will work out. Am I a religous fanatic – never have been before, but I feel the Bible is speaking to me. Ya, Every one – make fun of me. I think since I have become active in Stephen Ministry, I have grown in my faith.Dear Michelle
That’s really a tough situation, but you seem to be coping so well. I just wanted to wish you strength and send you as much positive energy and support that I can across the Atlantic Ocean.
Much love,
LayaDear Michelle,
Just wanted to send you strength, and let you know I am thinking of you. Just when I feel sorry for myself, I read a story on here that sounds so much more difficult. You are an amazingly strong woman. I agree that the time away your SA really is going to be a good thing for you, as unbelievable as that sounds. And it’s best for your kids too, as I’m sure you know. Please hang in there, and ask for all the support and help you can get (including from us here!) I don’t think you have any obligation to talk to him on the phone, unless you are in the mood to, or need to talk about logistical things. This is when you get to think JUST about yourself and about the kids. I feel like what I have to say is so inadequate, but you are in my thoughts and prayers! Love, ZumbagirlHi Michelle
I too feel that anything I have to say feels so inadequate, but I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and what you’re going through at the moment. I agree with zumbagirl. Some space from SA and all its associated nastiness will be good for you, although obviously you have all the day to day hard work to deal with alone. Maybe not talking to him on the phone would also be good for you – give you a proper break from anything to do with SA? Just some thoughts.
Thinking of you
Bb
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