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Hi All – I haven’t posted in a long while, but am finding the need to vent, ask some opinions, and yes get some advice! This may be a long post, but I am backed into a corner and don’t know how to get out.
Things had been going very well for me until this past month. It has nothing to do with still loving or caring for my ex, but I have allowed myself to become entangled in his recovery. It was an ever so slow process when he first called me a couple of months ago and asked if I could help him with questions, should they come up, because he is reading “The Child Within” and doing the workbook that accompanies it. I thought, “Okay. it can’t hurt”. Well, it is hurting.
His Therapist basically gave up on him, (Steve’s opinion) and told him to engage in social activities and attempt to live a normal life. ie: watch TV, go to movies, etc.
Let me inject here that my ex still engaged in 650# women porn on the internet, continues his fantasies of Elephant crushing and stomping and admitted to masturbating to it. Also, still continues with urges, objectification of women, and dissociates. Of course, there are always lies over stupid stuff, but admits the hard core issues. I am positive he minimizes everything, however. Of course, they all do!
Because my ex is still in active addiction, he feels he has only 1 of 2 choices – avoid all situations that might be triggers for him or live a normal life. Living in avoidance is frustrating and a struggle for him, but living a normal life brings too much shame and guilt when he triggers. He feels hopeless! He has called me numerous times crying and totally losing it.
Then, the scenario gets better. Steve needed hand surgery the 1st of February and had no-one to drive him, pick him up, and take him to Dr. appts. Then, he found out he couldn’t drive for three weeks. He asked if I would be willing to help him out. Like the sucker I am, I obliged. One night following an appt., it snowed like hell, so he bunked on my sofa.
I have absolutely NO feelings towards him – only in the sense I feel so sorry for him, because he totally wants to change and knows it probably won’t happen. When I saw him, it was like relating to a neighbor, friend, or relative.
So, there is my venting!
My problem is I tend to get emeshed and obsessive whenever I am helping someone with a psychological problem. I have two women I am working with now, and I have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy in reaching out to them. I get caught up!! I am too much of a caretaker, and it seems to serve a purpose for me – whatever that might be. I just don’t know. I do know that I take on everyone’s problems – whether it might be friends, family, or client’s. Only if asked, however. I always feel sorry for the underdog.
SO – here I am feeling sorry for my ex-husband when there are no feelings of love involved, and I continue to help him over the phone with questions he has about the material he is working on. Of course his brain is blue printed with the addiction and he will never change.
Help me out here. I have lost objectivity. I am not accomplishing anything with him in terms of recovery, but yet I still have the need to help him. He is so pathetic!! What do I do?? He is working so hard to change, but the saga goes on, and we all no an SA is an SA.
Advice is welcomed. I know it is not productive, but I can’t seem to stop it. It is an addiction in of itself. Although I give way too much time and energy to the other two women I am working with, I gain a lot of fulfillment and satisfaction in doing it. With Steve, I am not getting any satisfaction in helping this borderline sick man. What is the difference??
It is so f
g weird!
Let me hear all of your thoughts. I have missed you all, and feeling like the person who goes to church once a year on Easter – guilty for coming back to s.o.s. for help. I haven’t contributed anything here for a long time.I think you nailed it when you called it an addiction, sharron. You’ll have to quit him. Not even a sip.
Hello Sharron, happy to see you again! And yeah, no doubt about it – you’re going to have to go cold turkey with Steve. As Diane says, “Don’t go back into the swamp”. Especially in Steve’s swamp – there’s some big ass hippos wallowing around in there.
Sharron you don’t have the skills to help him. You are doing damage to yourself in having the contact with him to no avail.
You like helping the girls because you are making progress.
I agree with the girls. Explain to Steve that you do not have the knowledge or skills to help him with his problem and he needs to find another therapist trained in sexual disorders. Maybe even help him out one more time by finding one for him.
Good luck Sharron. xoSharron, you worked so hard to put your life back together. If it made you happy to “help” him then that would be fine. It is stressing you out and making you unhappy. Sometimes we try very hard to help people because we believe we have the right answer. We don’t.
Let Steve struggle with his own workbook or rides to the doctor. Life is about overcoming struggles and you are depriving him of ever finding his own way. Don’t be an enabler.
Pray for him and back away 🙂
Agree with the sisters here. Not even a sip.
Replace caring for others with caring for yourself? Start with a bubble bath and notice how good it feels? I use candles with mine.
Hi Sharron,
I hope you can gain some distance from him soon. These guys definitely know how to manipulate us. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Guard your freedom.I’m taking your post to heart. I hope to be divorced soon and am a little worried my h will try to play on my sympathy even after we are no longer married. We rarely communicate but just the other day he sent me 2 or 3 texts about how sick he was. From what he was describing I thought he was on the bathroom floor with no way to get help. I finally got him to answer a call and guess what? He was at work in his office!! Again I’m made to feel like a fool.
I hope to get out of this trap soon. After reading your post I will have to guard myself even after the divorce is final. Sometimes, I think he relies on me like someone would a mother or maybe a big sister.
Really sad huh?
Also, I don’t know what type work you are doing with the 2 other women but if it is bothering you try to back off some. Just try to keep a balance.
Hope things are better for you soon,
KandiceCan only add that you should listen toy our own heart and not try to stabilize his and I heard you say clearly that you have NO feelings for him – you will have to unwind your feelings of guilt when you say “no” and to do that you will need to say “no” a lot more – I can so relate:-) Meg
Sharron,
After everything you’ve been through with this man, I agree with March, you have to ‘quit him’ not another sip. Otherwise, emotionally you’re right back there and it feels like shit. Please don’t go there. Spend your time on your life not his. I have missed you Sharron!!!
Love, NapSharron, I can so relate to what you’re going through, and the pity that takes over. I guess part of it is that it’s a more comfortable feeling than anger. The thing is, Sharron, you’re a very compassionate and giving woman, so you’re doing what feels natural to you. But at the expense of your own well-being and peace. I was wondering if you have a particular religious or spiritual belief, because this seems like the kind of thing that a spiritual leader (as long as you resonate to them) could help you with. Maybe even more than a therapist. It’s a very difficult thing, I know, and you can’t just will it away, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable. I remember a while back Cindy saying, ‘The key is to apply that compassion to yourself.’ (I hope she’s doing ok, btw..Been worried about her.) I hope you are able to loosen those pity bonds. I know how very hard it is. Big hugs. xoxo
Every time you”help” him you are helping him to stay sick. Keep reminding yourself of that. If a loved one had been seriously injured and the doctor prescribed a rigorous physiotherapy regimine, but instead you insisted on carrying them around in your arms everywhere, dressed them, spoonfed them, etc., instead, would that help them get their strength back and get whole again? Of course not.
You know what you have to do.“You know what you have to do.” Gotta agree with this comment Sharron. You do know what you have to do. You divorced him so you would not have to be involved in his crazy and here you are…back in his crazy? They are VERY good girl. You know that. Walk away. His issues are his own to deal with. You tried to help him and all it got you was abused and crazy and back to square one. Don’t go there again. Great to hear from you! Karen xx
Thank you Sharron, for telling us what’s been happening. I hope you know how much we care about you, because we do.
I understand that life gets lonely, but you can’t fill it with this man. “not one more sip”. You know the drill.
Get out into the community with all that deep capacity to care and share compassion with others. Volunteer. YOu will running the operation in no time. You have so much to offer people who could really make good use of it. Don’t throw your pearls before swine. He doesn’t know what to do with you, except destroy you.
You can do this Sharron. You can get this right. You can find your path.
love,
Diane.Sharron – first of all, don’t apologise for being an infrequent visitor. You know that is what we’re for – posting every single day, just sitting back and reading or only checking in every few weeks or months. You use this site when it is needed most, the best way for you.
Second of all, I think posting here is an important step for you – you’ve acknowledged that you have a problem and now you just need to take the steps to try to resolve the issue. I agree with the others – no or minimal contact with your Ex. Maybe switching your mind set to thinking about your own self as the one who needs “fixing” will help you to focus on your self instead of others so much?
You’re a strong woman, Sharron. You got out of a no-win marriage with an SA. You can do this!
Much love,
FCSharron,
Diane beat me to this. I was also touched that you have so much to offer, it would be wonderful if your beautiful energy was poured into something that could grow.
A volunteer activity could give you an outlet for that authentic gift and need, with a built in framework. You would have something to look forward to, and when that project or session or whatever is done, you smile and walk away having a sense of having completed something with a real purpose. A volunteer position would also create a boundary where it wouldn’t get so close to your personal life. You can heal you, and not have leaches draining your life force.
There are volunteer coordination groups all over the country, I used to get projects for our home school families community service credits from them.
It’s hard to disengage, it really is. You posted here, you know it’s hurting you. You have been so strong, and you have the skills to get out again. You’re smart to see it and start actions to turn it around. We believe in you, Sharron.
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