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J.,
I am suffering and I know this life just is not for me. I don’t want to think about triggers, sponsors, meetings, sleeping pills, therapy, web filters, coping strategies, slips, and relapses for the rest of my life. I need a man that can offer my a promise of fidelity through wedding vows. That possibility has been removed through sexual addiction. This life is not fair to me. It just isn’t. I know you didn’t plan for this nor did you want this, but it’s here and it’s real. It’s not going away. There’s no going back to what we had and having a better relationship is simply a possibility. That is not good enough for me and I cannot live with I have a possibility of fidelity and intimacy.
I’m sorry because I know you are trying to save yourself. Please understand I am trying to do the same.
I woke up crying again and I can’t stop. I love you, but my love simply is not enough for you.
God Help Me!
Paulette
Paulette,
What a way to start the day. Can’t we all relate to that- who wants this crazy world of sex addiction that they drag us into? It just takes over. I don’t really understand why that is- I have friends who are alcoholics and their recovery does not permeate everything like sex addiction and it’s recovery. But it is what it is. And it was courageous of you to be honest with yourself and with him about what you want and need.
I am so sorry, Paulette, for your pain and disappointment. You didn’t do anything to deserve this. You are choosing you, and that is all any of us can really do.
Paulette,
I can’t apologize enough for the pain and anguish I have caused you. I know you love me. You are the only person in my life that truly made me feel loved and I have destroyed that. I will never be able to reconcile was has been denied you in the past. I agree we can not live in our current situation because this is not living this is existing.
I woke up this morning realizing how much I miss you, I realize that you do not want to hear this but its true. Nothing I say or do will cure the hurt you are feeling, my narcissism has lead me to this point in my life and I take full responsibility for all of this. You have done nothing wrong but love me. Why wasn’t that enough for me to return the adoration you once gave me. Blame it on the addict, No can’t do that because in your wisdom you have shown me the truth that there is not an addiction but a coping mechanism created within me over the years that has created a habitual compulsive behavior. Can this be cured? Yes I believe it can, you are correct in your “drinking the water” phrase. The more I think of the 12 step method , the more I see the cyclic dimension of demoralizing a person to believe they are not worthy of a normal lifestyle and must admit that they are not strong enough to continue in life with out their help. I thank you for pointing that out to me.
I will honor what ever decision is made for our future, I can not continue to torture you with my bad decisions.
Lets talk tonight
So what are you going to do?
I hate those words from them…”let’s talk”. To me, they always meant that whatever clarity I had would be lost and I would be back second-guessing myself again. It meant more manipulation and deceit guised as him being honest and open.
I don’t know you well yet, Paulette- where are you on this?
He’s been doing this for 35 years and has I think you said 90 days of sobriety? I would discourage you from doing any talking with him because, as Bev likes to point out, it is the addiction still talking at this point. You have said how you feel, and he should sit with that for awhile. I think I read in your email and his response a possible attempt of manipulating you based on your honesty about not being able to face a life of sex addiction recovery?
I don’t know what to think right now. I still question how this can really be an addiction. (so obviously he’s thinking about what I say) I believe it’s a matter of being a selfish narcissistic self-centered bastard who feels entitled. I met his CSAT last night who told me you know… unless Jim stays in therapy, goes to meetings and does the work, he will relapse. I wanted to vomit. OK Gues what your in for life and unless you follow this ridiculous program you are doomed. Grow a pair and be a real man, make good choices, love honestly and purely, quit finding excuses for your behavior. Own it and Change it!
He is scheduled for a polygraph next week. This is to verify this has not been into anything more than porn – his virtual mistress. Trust me I learned from this site that this is what they all say. Bus just what if he is telling the truth… He lies by omission. Anything I have ever asked him straight up – he tells the truth. That’s the same shit my kids do.
I don’t believe in the recovery model, it just doesn’t make sense to me. I am a spiritual person, but no means a bible toter. This just doesn’t make sense and I cannot see me spending the rest of my days living like this. But what is this really….. The polygraph may give me exactly what I need. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
Paulette,
You emotions are stirred up from meeting with the CSAT and next week’s polygraph. Bad time to try to have a talk with your h. I would really encourage you to sit this one out.
Paulette, so sorry for what you are going through right now, very painful. My take on his response is the same as March’s, “eerily familiar”. He’s read the handbook. I particularly noted how he talks about how he knows YOU love HIM, and says a couple more things about that, but then goes on to say “I woke up this morning realizing how much I miss you.” That’s all about him, doesn’t get more narcissistic than that. And that part toward the end where he says, “I cannot continue to torture you with my bad decisions”, I translate that to “I’m not going to change, so if you are going to be bothered by this, let’s put the burden of this bad behavior on you.” I’m sure he thinks it sounds noble, but I’m angry just reading that sentence. Teri and Bev are right, he’s talking like an addict and any further conversation is talking to one.
Paulette,
You worte with such clarity! A moment of clarity is sooooo valuable in this cyclone of trauma and grief.
Talking with him will NOT support your clarity. Even if you can put the talk off for a bit, to help you process those revelations, that will help. Believe me, he will get distracted, and the “talk” will not be a focus for him anymore.
I don’t want to make this about me, but I could cut and paste many similar letters from my SA. He “takes full responsibility for this” , he is brokenhearted over the pain he’s caused me, he will to anything at all to help me in my recovery, he is so glad he is getting help now to be a better partner for me, etc.
But, he lied and used all through the first YEAR of recovery. He’s in his fourth treatment program, and here’s where we are: day before yesterday, he called about an email he had sent and I was upset, crying and he barked “Just stop, I haven’t hurt you at all.” Eighteen months in recovery, a year apart, and that’s his true opinion of the situation. One of those truths spit out in anger when the therapy whitewash is thinned by tears.
All that “I’m so sorry, please understand, I want to do better, I am working really hard…” They say what is effective to get what they want. Now, my SA sees the end is inevitable, and he’s dropping the act and it’s so ugly, but it’s a relief honestly, because it was so hard to believe the guy he was pretending to be was capable of all he did. What I see now, I’m not surprised in the least at anything he did.
Hold onto your clarity, tell him you are afraid you will say things you’ll regret and you want to be fair with him, so please give you a couple days to cool off. That will work.
I am sorry for your loss, the grief is unfathomable, but at least when the uncertainty of go or stay is resolved you can start to focus again. Don’t lose focus.
I don’t know if there’s much left to say. I just know I can’t do this. Every time you look at a tramp on the Internet, you knew it was wrong, you knew you were breaking our trust, you just knew… Point being…You didn’t care. You did it anyway to satisfy yourself. Your put your selfish desires over our marriage and now I am being told that this is “potentially” uncontrollable, unless you find a higher power and join a cult like organization and pay thousands of dollars a year in therapy.
Looking at little girls on the Internet is controllable. Grown 51 year old healthy men don’t need this in their life. Grown men find healthy sexual outlets with their wife. You always felt I was the problem and I would need to get over how I felt. Well guess what … I’m over it. It’s wrong and I want nothing to do with it.
This is a dark world and I chose to not live in it. Living this world of recovery is just as painful as discovery. There’s two more words I don’t want to use anymore either “recovery” and “discovery”.
You need to find yourself and grow the fuck up. Your recovery model is your choice, not mine. The last thing I want is your continued behavior to be blamed on me railroading you off of the recovery tracks.
I want to take vacations on beaches again. I want to wear a bathing suit and not bad feel because I have a few extra pounds – that I am not worthy. I may not be perfect based on your 19 year old standards. Guess what I was once thin and 19 too, but I grew older and grew up. I thought you were there with me and I am crushed to learn you are not and were never really present in our marriage. Selfish Selfish Selfish. How sad for me to live with this reality the rest of my life.
Paulette
I am sorry, Paulette, that you have been exposed to this horror. Realization that you were alone is a tough pill to swallow.
Enjoy your beaches, by all means!!
Paulette,
I am heartbroken by this exchange of emails. I get hopeful from his, where he names his narcissism, he names the problem of the 12 step, and his agreement that it can’t go on. But it’s hard to believe, still. I don’t know what you can do. I think your responses are also really clear and helpful to all of us in our situations.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter anymore whether they get it or not, because if they can’t stop it, you have to go on living with the possibility they will start up again. And each of us may have a different capacity for that. I don’t have any capacity for that, I guess. And it sounds like you may not be able to live that way either.
I’m very sorry Paulette. These are terrible terrible things to have to live through. May you have the strength to hold yourself.
D.xoPaulette,
I am heartbroken by this exchange of emails. I get hopeful from his, where he names his narcissism, he names the problem of the 12 step, and his agreement that it can’t go on. But it’s hard to believe, still. I don’t know what you can do. I think your responses are also really clear and helpful to all of us in our situations.
Sometimes it doesn’t matter anymore whether they get it or not, because if they can’t stop it, you have to go on living with the possibility they will start up again. And each of us may have a different capacity for that. I don’t have any capacity for that, I guess. And it sounds like you may not be able to live that way either.
I’m very sorry Paulette. These are terrible terrible things to have to live through. May you have the strength to hold yourself.
D.xoI agree with Teri….the CSAT and the poly is enough to send anyone to crazy land. Stop talking to him for awhile at least.
Yes, we all have emails just like his. I could copy a dozen right here. Do they mean anything? I don’t know. I do know that when you are upset and saying it’s done then they will say just about anything to change your mind. Stay focused on you and wait for the poly…..
Paulette – I’m so sorry for how tortuous this can be. My advice would be, as Lynne suggested, to give it a few days before you talk to him or even send him any more of these emails. I find that when he responds in a way that seems sincere and hence confuses me emotionally, by sitting it with a few days, I develop more clarity on what he is saying. Usually I realize that it’s just a lot of baloney. No actionable outcomes wrapped around nice, sincere-sounding words.
Paulette, it’s very possible the results of the polygraph will help you strengthen your resolve. Try to go ‘no contact’ till then if you can. It was really difficult trying to wade through your SA’s email what with all of the “I this” and ” I that’s”. Honey, I’m sorry but I see nothing there but a garden-variety asshole who will be back at “it” (whatever ‘it’ is – to be determined) faster than you can say ‘bad decisions’.
Here’s the last word from me…
J.,
I need a few days to calm down. This is too much for me to handle and I know nothing good can come from this “life style” for me. It just isn’t possible.
Please take your polygraph on Thursday. If you don’t I will always “wonder” no matter what ultimately happens here.
I can forgive you…just not sure i can be married to you.
Paulette
Paulette,
We are with you. We understand your turmoil and intense emotional pain from the betrayal you have endured from the one who was supposed to be your closest ally and love.
I am so sorry. You deserved none of this.
Another sister in solidarity with you,
DesireeI like that you said “I can forgive you… just not sure I can be married to you.” So glad you know the two are not inseparable. It helps a little.
Hugs
I wish I was at the point that you are. It’s hard to go but it’s even harder to stay. You are smart to demand better for yourself.
Big hugs
Paulette, you sound so clear, despite how much pain you are in; you are doing great. please stick to the “no contact” until after the polygraph, and then maybe a few more days to really take in whatever it is you learn. You need and deserve the time and space to figure out what you want. Many women separate for several months to really be certain about their choices. Much love and light to you during this horrible time.
You are doing great. Take some time for yourself. I agree with every one else to keep some distance and limit conversation. They are very crafty when it comes to manipulation. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
You are stronger than I because I don’t think I can forgive my SA. It takes a big person to do that.
Take care, much love, Claire
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