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I just joined and I have so very much to say as I have kept most of it bottled up for many years. I met my husband about a month after a six year turbulent teen to twenties relationship had ended. I was on a mission not to fall in love not to get hurt. I failed the mission. I moved in with him 3 months after we met. I was 23 he was 31. He had been married twice and divorced with two kids. It should have been a red flag. But he told me the truth. He cheated on his 1st wife and ended up getting a woman pregnant. He divorced wife #1 and married the pregnant girlfriend. I believed that he had got married too young the 1st time. The second time I thought he did the noble thing and it didn’t work out. Our life was good. We were so happy in love and lust. I just knew he was the Love of My Life. Two years together we had our daughter. The Third year together we got married. I think we were 2 or 3 months into the marriage when he went away on a trip. I was so happy when he came home. But I also was a little nervous as I wasn’t able to get a hold of him at his hotel one night and into the morning. I started looking through his stuff and found her number @ work. Her name was Leslie and I actually remember trying to convince myself that Leslie could be a guys name. I called her asked her how she knew him and she told me they had slept together. He told her he was divorced. She proceeded to tell me how the condom had broke and how she was nervous about being pregnant. I went crazy throwing my clothes in my car, crying hysterically while holding our daughter. I dont remember how but I ended up back in the house and stayed. That was 21 years ago. He continued to cheat. A couple of strippers that I tracked down. One of my friends and possibly another. During this time I was constantly searching through his clothes, wallet, car and cell phone records. He would be gone and I would drink. I drank a lot. I actually drove down a busy highway one night the wrong way. I went looking for him in Strip Clubs, Apartment Buildings, anywhere I thought he might be. I dont remember all the details but I stayed with him. One because I loved him. Another reason I stayed was because I was afraid to raise our daughter alone. I had given up my career to stay home. I didn’t want to be a single Mom. I wanted her to be with her Dad. I never knew my real Dad so it was important. I made an ass of myself more than once drinking in front of our friends. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be more kinky. I would have sex with him in places where we might get caught. I watched porn with him as it never really bothered me I enjoyed it once and awhile too. Funny thing was he was cheating but he was so jealous and controlling about where I would go and who I would be with. After maybe 7 years of this off and on. It seemed to stop. I relaxed more. We were closer than ever. He was my bestfriend. I dont know how it happened but we ended up going to some wild sex parties. I guess I was thinking as long as we are doing this together it’s okay. But it wasn’t really okay with me. I would have to be smashed out of my mind to go and I didn’t get any enjoyment from it. I told him I really wasn’t interested anymore. Every once and awhile I would get insecure, drink and then tell him we could go to a party. I started getting really depressed about it. So we stopped. Life had been quiet for awhile. Back in 2008 I thought he had a thing for one of my daughters friends who was 18 and living with us. I could never prove anything. Anyways this girl started seeing my daughters boyfriend behind her back. I asked her to leave. After she left I discovered that he had sent her a note ” Happy Birthday” Miss Yah Love Yah”. What man does that? Sends his daughters ex friend a note like that? He said he felt bad for her that she was just a kid. I refused to believe that my husband would be in love/lust whatever with an 18 yr old. But the biggest part of me tells me that he was. I stayed it blew over. In the last months I have discovered that he was signed up on two dating sites. He told me he just liked to look that he wasn’t cheating. I made him delete them or else. (else what I really dont know). A nagging voice inside me told me to monitor the computer and I found that he has been signed up on an adult sex sight for two years and paying for it with money orders. He had 34 friends all women looking for Benefits, or group sex anything you can imagine. He told me again he is just looking likes to watch the sex videos. I didn’t see any chat between him but I didnt monitor for more than a couple of days when I told him I knew. It was the week of our vacation so I just let it go after many tears and conversations. He seems remorseful apologizes (which he never willingly did before.) The day I went back to work He was on a new porn site looked up teen girls when I asked him about it..He said he did it on purpose because he knew I was snooping. wtf. We are usually so happy together. We never fight (only about the above),we have a great sex life, he is very loving, and we enjoy life together. We talk about growing old together. He compliments me. I am however faced with the fact that he is a sex addict and I fear he will never change. He grew up with a father who did the same and worse he dragged my husband along. I need to get help as I am overwhelmed. I am so happy I found this site.
oh honey, you do sound overwhelmed.
take a breath. take a break from thinking about him for a while if you can.
what can you do that will give you a break. take as many as you can. try to ask yourself the best thing you can do for yourself in that moment. do that. then do the same for the next moment.
i still do that. ok lisa, make the bed. good. now have a shower. good. now go for a swim. good. get to work, focus, good.
i don’t know if that makes sense, but if you focus on being healthy for yourself, you can give YOU a little space and time to get your head together.
stop focusing on him, he will only hurt you more. the best thing you can do for your daughter is look after yourself. put your breathing mask on first…
love,
lisa
Kat, I am so sorry and thank you for putting it all out there. It takes guts to reveal all the pain, ugliness, and hurt. It also takes guts to admit you loved/love him and you are afraid. You have guts.
The first thing you need to do is stop thinking about him and focus in on you. I sat on my patio for 6 solid weeks unable to move ( other sisters sat in other places). This is a trauma to the system honey and you need to take care of yourself.
This man is lying to you and has been lying for years. Protect yourself. He is NOT your friend. Friends do not treat each other like that. Find a good therapist for yourself if you don`t already have one. We are all here for you, We understand and have been where you are. Vent away..Love, Bev
to stop the wtf cycle in your head, here are two things you can try.
when you feel an overwhelming feeling, don’t fight it. try to accept it, and ride out the wave, be patient. fighting feelings can create a viscous cycle in your body. in your brain and in your cells.
when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, stop and say “kat, you are doing great, i love you’
sounds corny and new age-ish, but it can actually work, get the negative spiral going up…
Oh Kat sounds like you married my husband…
I’m so sorry. Only you can make your decisions but I can tell you what I did. I told him to leave. Gave him a pile of books on sex addiction and told him he needed to read them, and take urgent action, changed the locks and have lived apart from him for two years. It’s still not easy but you must secure safety for you and your daughter. The thing I didn’t know or do immediately that I wish I had was secure my future by extracting as much money as possible and using it to get a trauma counsellor immediately. This is going to take some major processing.
Wishing you much love and light
JoDear Kat,
What you describe does indeed sound like a nightmare.You are correct to fear his ability to change. I hope you can find support and guidance here.
Karen xxthis man had tortured you beyond beliefe and lead you to drink and act in ways you would not have acted other wise,
the damage he caused you is very serious but it is still reversible, but you have to leave him on the side for now and focus on you, you and your daughter, who is clearly will be traumatized if she find out that her own older father is hitting on her young girlfriends, if she has not already found out
first and formost you need to get counseling as soon as possible, then start to have exit plans
best of luckKat,
First, pat yourself on the back for seeking help and getting your story all out there. Those are huge steps and take a lot of self awareness and courage.
Know that your story is not shocking to any of us. Many of us have been in similar situations or our own version of the sex addict’s nightmare. The shame and humiliation are his for what he has put you through.
His sex addiction is not about you. It’s confusing when you don’t fight and the relationship seems good and yet they still cheat. They create the illusion of a good relationship with us. It’s part of their game. And it is a good relationship for them because they get everything they think they want while keeping you in the dark. But is that what you want?
Kat, do what the sisters say- focus on yourself. Don’t bother looking through his things anymore. You already know who he is. Find out who you are and how you can best take care of yourself now.
Kat
I am so glad you are here – I feel for you and for your story. It brings chills to me to read it. I know those feelings- and the extraordinary pain. Be strong – you have a long path in front of you, but there is light on the other side…..Barbra
Kat
Whew, that is a painful story. I am so sad and angry for you, and your daughter. The sisters have said it all. Spending time even thinking about him is draining you and you are strong, but wounded. Give yourself a break from this nightmare. Whatever ot takes to have quiet time to get centered and know your own mind.
Kat nice job putting it down in black and white. I saw myself and other women on this site in your story. He seems like a good guy, as long as you are under his control. Our husbands are masters of deception. Keep writing, I kept a journal in the beginning which saved me so many times. Especially when you have a gaslighter to deal with. As soon as I was on to something – he would shoot me down and cause me to doubt myself. It’s emotional abuse Kat and that is how you got where you are. Again, it is emotional abuse. I had no defense against my h until I could pull out my journal and prove to him what he had said. When they have been at this so long they are very slippery when they start to lose control of you. Be careful. Have you read any books yet?
Google the gas light effect and read up on it if you haven’t already. And Barbra Steffens – Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.Sisters, Thank you for your love and support. I have had a counselor since I was 18. I started seeing him to deal with my Mom’s alcoholism. She died in a car accident. That’s another story. I have continued to see him for many years off and on. He knows everything I trust him. Unfortunately we moved 45 minutes away from him so I dont get there as much as I need. He has told to stop the searching behavior and to work on myself. Funny I’m afraid to stop monitoring my husband it’s this fear that something will go on that I don’t know about. The need to control. Part of this comes from when I use to watch over my mother. I stopped watching over her and she died. I know this is not my fault. I did stop monitoring him and for 2 years he has been on a sex site.Which is crazy thinking because obviously stuff has gone on whether I’m on the prowl or not. I have built my life around him and our daughter and my stepdaughters. The things that make me happy is our home..our gardens, my animals. I dont know how to make myself happy beyond that. Work on myself..hmmm. My daughter knows. She is 22 now and lives at home while in school. She has caught him on the computer and has found porn movies. She is older so I have had some honest conversations with her. She told me she found porn on her boyfriends phone. What is normal porn behavior? 90 percent of Men look at it? I told her I would run like hell away from him if she thought it was an issue. Had I known at 23 what I know now I would not have started a life with someone heavy into porn or a cheater. It is a hell of a lot harder to get out once you’re married with children. She started to cry. I always warned her about getting involved with an alcoholic or drug addict, I warned her about Men that hit women. Now I have warned her about SA. The one thing I never considered. I worry that my inability to walk away is not setting a good example. I also worry about what life will be like without us all together. I worry about him too. I am reading your messages over and over I love them all. I am going to attempt to focus on me. One really bad thing is I am a heavy smoker and am diagnosed with COPD. I am having more trouble breathing than usual. I need to quit smoking but haven’t been able to. I dont drink alcohol as much anymore. A couple then I stop but cigs are another story. Thank you Thank you for being here.
Hi Kat,
I hope being here will help you find your courage to make the changes that will create a different life for you—one where you are safe, at peace with yourself, and honouring your worth.
I am very sad about all the horrible things your’ve lived through. It’s just time kat. It’s time to stop the runaway train. You said he was your best friend—honestly what are you thinking here—with friends like him, who needs enemies? I hope you can manage a few small steps to wholeness. That’s all it takes, one small step, and then another, etc. You dont have to get it all right all at once.Kat, I see you on the path of healing by starting here,
I have small children, and I am divorcing their father for many reasons but one of the reasons I want them to grow knowing that his behavior is sick very sick, it had led to breaking our house and our marriage,I can only imagine your daughter reaction to finding porn on her father computer,
she is going to learn, she is learning that she will accept no man but a whole man in her lifeHi Kat,
I read your post and I’m so sorry for all the pain he has caused you. It’s very overwhelming and it’s hard for us to see which direction to go or turn or what to do at all.This just popped in my head and I’ll admit it’s corny. It’s good though I hope. Think of yourself as a beautiful flower (which you are). You need sun and rain to keep yourself alive and healthy. You live your life as this beautiful flower, then one morning you notice there is this HUGE tree right next to you and it’s not a pretty tree. It’s diseased actually. Anyway, this tree is blocking your light and the vibrant color of your flower starts to fade. This tree block the water getting to you so you start to wilt. Your afraid because you know you need these things to live, yet be beautiful.
The flower gets weaker and weaker and decides to try to do something. She pushes the HUGH tree and it doesnt budge. It wont move. She tries to talk to the tree and he doesn’t talk back and when he finally does, it makes no sense, at all.
Then she realizes of she could just get a foot or two away from the tree, she could get her sun and rain. She up roots herself and plants herself away from the tree. Now she has the sun and rain again. She’s not wilting and her color is vibrant again. She is so happy to be alive because she knew of she stayed by that tree, she was going to continue to fade and wilt. Sometimes it’s just a few steps away and we can see and feel our beauty again.
Love, Nap
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