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debinca.
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April 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm #4615
debinca
ParticipantHello all,
I’ve been reflecting on my own coping mechanisms when I am traumatized. I realize that with my abusive mom and abandonment issues growing up and then the overwhelm of 4 kids in 20 months, a sick husband and house woes, that I “acted in” – or numbed out. (“acted in” sounds too much like “acted out” – which is a whole other kettle of fish).
Was my numbing hurtful to my husband and our kids? I’m sure. He says I abandoned him – which is too strong a word (IMO). I was a survivor. We moved 8 times in 3 years – I was just a packing mule. He had about 25+ grand mal seizures (sometimes twice in a day) that I held him and didn’t know if he was going to live. He had brain surgery – and I was in the hospital for a month with premature labor with the triplets while we were underwater on building a mansion. It was a freakin nightmare over a 10 year timeframe. I think anyone would have cracked. Instead of cracking – I created my own little “safe” place inside myself. I didn’t feel anymore. I was numbed and likely depressed – but I wasn’t even aware of it since that’s what I did growing up. I had a very high tolerance for stress and pain.
My husband’s coping mechanism was to self-sooth with his addiction. What really kills me is that he claims he went “underground” for attention and adoration. That makes me feel shame as a wife – but I know I’m not responsible. It kills me when he says that I abandoned him. Who the f*** was holding him when he had his seizures? Packing the boxes? And taking care of four little ones (with our au pair) and working part-time in real estate and the au pair business? I think I deserve a freakin medal to have sex once a month (he claims once every two months).
So – he says he went “underground”…to prostitutes (typically older) for attention and love – then affairs, then CL ads trolling for grannies – and then yoganana. He claims that he was only ever out of control with the yoganana – and couldn’t stop with her because of his mother unresolved mother incest issues. So – only the last one was part of his addiction – really?
I’m confused about this as he is so convincing. He says that I didn’t cause it – but that he went “underground” for attention – which of course, implies that I wasn’t a good wife.
I’d like some real solid advice on this….is he in denial or am I? Do you think the pros, CL ads, etc. were part of his addiction?
Deb
April 8, 2012 at 9:11 pm #33255kmf
MemberNo, we think it is normal to cheat on your wife because she is too tired for sex because of all the issues you listed above. We also think it is completely normal for men to f–k women who look like their own mothers and we know that you abandoned him and you are a lousy wife and a defective person while he is absolutely FINE. As soon as you start paying him the attention that he deserves, he will NEVER have the urge to f–k his own mother again. There…do you feel better Darling Deb? LOL I don’t think he has an addiction. I think he is f–king crazy. Love Karen xx
April 8, 2012 at 9:28 pm #33256march
ParticipantYou should raise triplets and battle cancer and STILL be able to meet him at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap and offering a Martini.
April 8, 2012 at 9:28 pm #33257972
MemberI think it also reasonable, logical and mature that grown men go elsewhere for sex instead of TALKING about whatever problems they are feeling in the marriage. What a crock of shit!!! Notice how they all have some” issue” that justifies hookers? Is anybody buying that crap? Grow up! We all have issues and I never once cheated on my husband. I just bought a pair of shoes and ate chocolate ice cream like normal people 🙂
April 8, 2012 at 9:52 pm #33258kmf
Member🙂
April 8, 2012 at 10:02 pm #33259jos1972
ParticipantDeb we end up in a death dance with an addict. The addict needs to justify his behaviour and you are closest. If you’d been perfect in everyway imaginable it still would have been wrong… Thing is for them they need to feel good – they do so by playing the drama triangle. See karpman… For their power they go into persecutor or rescuer mode so u must play victim. If you don’t, they go into victim mode so you are then either persecutor or rescuer depending how they want to play the game to get what they want. If thru want to act out you are cast as persecutor …
You cannot win in the game.
And because you are sane and recognise that something doesn’t make sense you start to detach. You try to hold on to the sanity and to do this you huddle in and stop shining. Your brain is in preservation mode. All the while trying to bring up your children and hold down a job and run a home.
And they allow you to fall. Free fall. So they care? No because it serves them to have you operate from a position of guilt. Guilt. That’s how the game is continued.
Stop playing. Step out beautiful one.April 8, 2012 at 10:08 pm #33260diane
ParticipantI love you Deb. I love the way you keep at it. You keep at it, trying to peel away his shit and your shit and the therapist’s shit, you keep at it.
I know you are going to be all right. I know you will make it. I know you are not going to numb yourself. I know you are very close to your answer.April 8, 2012 at 10:23 pm #33261kimberely
MemberIt’s all tied together. All the sex issues are tied together. He is in denial and trying to rationalize the different aspects of the addiction as if to say ok these over here are bad, but those over there are just gimmes….yeah, do over my ass!! Mine was convincing too and for some reason I was afraid to call bs before March 10. Since then, when I hear something lame or defensive I call bs on it……except his comment that he believes he will be back in the house at some point…..I was not even going there. My idea of the length of a separation v. his definitely would cause an argument.
April 8, 2012 at 10:29 pm #33262kimberely
MemberDeb, also look at it this way. With anyone we catch in a lie or in a situation we wish had not been presented to us there are times we want to believe them. Like in the early discovery times they save their ass by lying to us and we at times want them to save their ass so we buy it. We keep buying it less and less as we get more fed up and more fed up. I think for you, it could be that you want to believe what he says because its less painful to you if it were the truth but its not. He’s trying to save his ass so keep that in mind. Sending hugs- got your msg…will you be around later tonight?
April 8, 2012 at 10:29 pm #33263debinca
ParticipantKaren, March and Bev – you crack me up and show me the light all at the same time….I love that about you.
Jos – thanks for pointing out Karpa again to me. I read about it but have to wrap my head around it (no, not Saran wrap).
And yes, Diane – I do keep at it, don’t I – hopefully not until I drop. If I don’t show up on this board for more than a week, come find my body, as that means that I finally passed out from trying.
This week, I promise – I will remember that I’m a great wife, mother and uber woman who is trying to raise too many kids (including my sick SAH). I’m starting to feel like the old woman in the shoe who didn’t know what to do. Time to go to the Bahamas (April 26 here I come!) – maybe I’ll freakin throw the “pandora’s box” in the ocean and never look back.
You always set my head straight – thanks all.
And yes, Diane – the answer is near. I can smell it (and it’s not all the SA shit).
Deb
April 9, 2012 at 12:36 am #33264nap
ParticipantDeb,
You’re ok, he’s not ok.
April 9, 2012 at 4:21 am #33265debinca
ParticipantThanks NAP and For Now….
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