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H is on a roll about what my “part” is in us ending the marriage. He feels that I ignore his needs, dismiss him, don’t follow through, don’t communicate well or directly, and I give lots of attitude. My attitude and uncooperativeness, “make” him act ugly and do the things he does.
God. If anyone is a Codi– its HIM!! He always talks about my “hostility and anger.”
Ok here it is. He is a controlling abusive ahole to communicate with. just a real jckass. He has severed many relationships because of his “conversations.” Yet, he says it is everyone else that can’t converse.
I am sensitive. I am a bit touchy. I can’t stand him or anyone else thinking they can boss me around like I am a worthless piece of crap. barking orders. I don’t take well to it. and yeah, i spark a tude. don’t wanna hear it, don’t care about your complaints. stuff them and shut up so I can have a nice life. that’s pretty much me. unless it really has to be discussed.
what is the point of hours of discussion about his warped perception on my “shortcomigs?” what possible good outcome is in that for me?
None. So i disengage and ignore. he gets angry and acts like a psycho.
anyhow, i wish i could have listened to him better. without it pissing me off or feeling like someone was pouring acid down my back. but it did.
but the clincher– He is angry that I never gave him what he wanted in 11 yrs. that i made his life hell.
really? i did that? oh, someone talk me out of this hole. i mean i know i have my temper and tude, and it could have been better, i didn’t “help” the aggravation at times, but I am not responsible for his crap.
but i am being labeles as wasting his time for 11 yrs. And I am the one who treated him badly. oh, and get this, even his therapists agree that I am not responding in the relationship. he has to carry all the burdern. wtf? who is this therapist? oh, like I care. Life in the SA vacuum of lies.
anything to defend their false sense of honor. I really can’t even stand talking the guy. can’t stand it.
Dear Pam,
Again, I am NO expert and new to this. BUT… From what I have read of your posts you seem to be a very caring, kind, likable individual. So whether I really understand SA or not I do understand aashole!! Please do not let this twisted ( I know he is sick and injured but sometimes you shoot the animal not pet it) hurt you another moment. In all of your posts I never read once that you handcuffed him in the house and didn’t allow him to leave the relationship that he now characterizes as so bad. You seem like a really good egg. Go wash your hands and be done with the dirt. Chocolate doesn’t hurt either:)
BevI do not mean literally shoot him!!!
Bev thank you. I needed to hear that. Naw, I wouldn’t waste the bullets anyway.
And arn’t we all good eggs? for even staying this far in the game. it says a lot about us.
and even if I do have a tude? even if i am uncooperative?
so what. really. just so what.
ooops there I go, dismissing his complaints again.
so i will say it agian. so what. suck it up an deal. God knows I have. what a ridiculous situation.
Dear Pam,
I recognize this tune so well because my H also sings it. It is the “I wouldn’t have been an abusive, cheating, lying, pervert if you hadn’t done blah, blah, blah…in my case apparently my anger drove it to it?????? Anger?? Why on earth would I be angry? It is simply the blame game…we have all heard one version of it or the other. As far as I am concerned…your husband stopped having ANY RIGHT to demand your attention the second he put his penis inside someone else. Try not to let him rope you in…though I think this is going to be a reoccuring theme until you move out. Stay grounded. He is the crazy one. Karen xx
Dear Pam,
Yes we are good eggs indeed. Like Karen said, he is playing the blame game, please dont let him rope you in. We are always looking for our part, and of course noone is perfect. But what you have dealt with is so over the top. Please dont think for a minute that you deserved the blame he is trying to lay at your door. You dont owe him anything and you dont have to explain yourself to him. Take anything you you have learned and give it to someone who will appreciate it, who will appreciate you.
This is not my style so forgive me in advance, but FUCK your husband! How dare he say anything to you EVER except that he is sorry! Hugs to you!Gawd, Pam…. What a dick!!
I have said this 50 times over the past year, but WTF…. Will say it again-
Pam, once my SA’s excuse for “acting fucking out” was because I didn’t clean the house enough”…..
REALLY DUDE??? Our house was spotless- he’s a jackass and so is yours!! Girlfriend – don’t waste your good thoughts on this idiot!! You deserve sooooo much better!!!!!
Love ya!!!
SL
Here’s how you reply EVERY SINGLE TIME, and I guarantee he’ll stop. Say, “I’m sorry my bad attitude made you stick your dick inside a tranny’s ass.” The key, though, is you must sound sincere.
Here’s how you reply EVERY SINGLE TIME, and I guarantee he’ll stop. Say, “I’m sorry my bad attitude made you stick your dick inside a tranny’s ass.” The key, though, is you must sound sincere.
Pam,
Malignant narcissists are master projectors plus they can be super evil. I wouldn’t process anything this guy says. I wouldn’t trust him AT ALL either. I hope your separation and divorce goes smoothly. Just remember MN will ‘punish’ their scapegoats and they are ruthless. My mom is one and at 83 is still going strong at it. I’ve recently had to go no contact she got so bad. Take good care.Love, Nap
Anyone else’s fault? Always… Sl I didn’t stack the dishwasher right and the dog weed on the floor and the baby cried…
ladies. thanks for sorting me out. March that was the best line ever. you made me lol.
yes, he’s blaming and trying to rope. done. my decision and position remain the same. cheers to transition mode. thanks all
Dear NAP
thanks for the reminder on the “punishing” done by narcs to their scapegoat. So sorry about your Mom. But I am glad that you are protecting yourself.
You know nap, i have this bad feeling the worst of this is still yet to come. I am pretty sure he is in denial. he thinks my moving out will be temporary. that i will want him back. that the divorce, won’t really be finalized.
once I am out, i think he may slowly realize that i am not coming back. i don’t know. i don’t really care. but what i do care about, is once he starts realizing, i’m really gone, he may start all kinds of trouble. he may use daughter as pawn. been worried about that. but I don’t know. he may enjoy his freedom, and start traveling also. very if’y.
But as long as you can find ways to protect your child, good riddance to him! The more travel, the better! You go girl! You got it goin on!! 🙂
Hi Pam,
I hear your fear and I understand it. These MN don’t just have anger, they have wrath. I’ve seen it first hand and been the victim of it and I think you have too.I would have a good support system of people in place, an emergency plan that is well thought out and shared with your support system. Also a pepper spray you carry with you. I would share these concerns with your attny. I also would have a voice activated tape recorder hidden so his abusive rants get recorded. Keep all vile phone messages and texts.
I think you have a strong case for full custody but I’m sure that sounds too scary because of his reaction and I understand your fear. I just hope he never hurts you or your daughter.
Please keep safe!
Love, Nap
Yes Pam…I agree with you? I think he is in denial too and I think u are going to have a struggle on your hands for him to ever allow you to be happy and in peace…UNLESS his attention gets diverted elsewhere quickly? Then God help the new victim but you will be in the clear. Karen xx
Pam,
Funny I read this post of yours after being on a Pia Mellody trauma workshop for 4 days. I came back with a totally new outlook on this stuff.
Yes – he is playing the blame game. And the reason, is that the shame of his childhood trauma and screwing trannies, etc. is too great for him. It really helps him and his shame pain to put it back on you.
I clearly see this now as my workshop was all about childhood shame – and how that causes trauma and then addiction and all kinds of stuff.
So – what to do when they play the blame game? Don’t play it. Walk away, don’t listen – do what you do when your daughter whines. Do NOT engage.
No one deserve the kind of crap that you have put up with Pam. Time to make a scrapbook of the happy times (if you had any) and keep walking girlfriend. If he EVER gets his shit together and gets healthy, then you may or not be available. (let’s hope not).
Do NOT take on his shame.
Deb
Did you remind him who is leaving who here?
He’s just having a tantrum. He’s not getting what he wants and is acting like a teenager…
“You’re ruining my life”
“You’re so mean!!!”
“That’s so unfair!”
“I hate you!”
“This is all your fault!”
Pam
It is amazing how similar our situations are, my h convinced me on Friday night to go with him out of town to a meeting he was going to so we can spend some time together to discuss our situation, while in the car, he tried to shift blame on me too, that I did not do my part either in this marriage, he had the nerves to say that because I did not pay attention to him, I neglected him, I never took care of him, I never was a good wife, because of all that he acted out, I could not believe my ears again as only the day before he apologized profusely to everything he had done and promised a new start, I blew up, I exploded like a volcano, I was spitting fires, I was a wounded tiger in a cage, I yelled, screamed, cried, called him every name in the book demanded that he stops the car and let me go as I could not take all this manipulation, he was shocked by my response, he panicked he did not know what to do anymore, he tried to calm me down, but I was in so much pain by his ignorance by denying me the rights to the truth, by trying to change facts and manipulating stories, he had eventually to admit to his mistakes, he had finally to admit that his acting out was all his doing and that I had nothing absolutely nothing to do with it, that I did everything any woman could do in my position, but his lack of integrity is what lead us to this position, he later said, that what he saw in the car of me becoming so outraged and spiting the fires I was spiting, and my face was so twisted with pain and anger was clear evidence of the damage that he caused, that he had never seen me like that, angry, raging, cussing, losing all my rational, that he finally admitted to the gravity of the crime he had commited against me and against his kids, my hands shake now as I am typing as I remember those feelings. Now since then he is still owning his problems and he is not trying to pass any of it to me, I don’t know how long that will last, but he in the process had agreed to also sign a contract on the new grounds of our relationship and the consequences he may experience if he continues his behaviors and immorality like if I ever catch him again cheating that he will lose his parental rights and I will have complete custody of the kids among other things,
So I don’t know if the answer to your situation is similar to my story, but really it takes so much for those men to understand simple clear facts, like their lying is their lying, their cheating is their cheating and we absolutely had nothing to do with it, and they just cannot see it seems the extent of damage and pain that they had caused us, so just tell him to fuck off and go look into the mirror to see the monster that he is.Harmony,
I pretty much had the same reaction as you the first time I heard the words, “It’s your fault too because…” The only time I’d been in more emotional pain was when my father died and he is going to pour salt on those already unbearable wounds and claim I had some responsibility in his actions? I freaked like you. It was like, for that moment, his words stole the only cell of sanity I had left.He has never tried to blame me again. I don’t know if it’s because he actually doesn’t blame me or because he’s not about to vocalize it.
Good morning ladies–
great posts on the blame game. It is comforting to know that so many of you have been in the same situations. Harmony my experience thus far has been, profusely apologizing. then back to anger and blame. he could never “stay there”. While your H may be afraid of your wrath, (good for you btw for not having any of it) How long must you be a wounded tiger in the cage to get any accountability from him? forever? remember, you cannot sustain and remain that angry& hurt neither. it is very unhealthy for us. and if he only responds to wrath–well how then do we heal?
last time I wasn’t “hearing any of it” i got a bowl of dog water thrown in my face. Hence my decision to proceed with divorce. but oh, how he is trying to manipulate and change his tune.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I feel scared again. I can’t explain it. His behavior has been better. H is seeing 2 therapists now. But I still feel I am dealing with a man on the edge–for some reason, no real “actual” reason this a.m. I woke up afraid. Like how I felt back in Dec. when he was raging.
also my daughter is on spring break 1 week. she is home with dad while I work. I have to trust. but I don’t like leaving her with him. he is not taking any pills or anything. but something seems wrong. wrong and familiar to me.
i have a tape recorder. just in case.
Wow! I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one that’s been an unwilling participant in the “blame game”. My SAH swings like a pendulum – from heartfelt remorse to “you abandoned me for 10 years (ever since we had kids)”. It’s maddening and I really have to learn not to even engage with him (I try to argue that I was there for him which is stupid).
I do think that “my part” in our dyfunctional relationship was that I took on the “mom” role ever since his epilepsy reared it’s ugly head 11 years ago (when I was pregnant with triplets). A few years later his acting out went into full swing (as far as I know) and my depression starting setting in. It was a convenient excuse for him to blame me. He has moments when he really wants to blame me and moments when he doesn’t and accepts full responsibility. It’s really strange. I think that when his shame gets too great, the blame game begins. It soothes him like a prostitute.
Pam – I’m so glad that you are protecting yourself. I really hope that he doesn’t get nasty – you have been through enough. Hopefully he will find a tranny distraction and take out his eroticized rage on him/her. It is all about control and eroticized rage that makes these guys scary. That’s my worst nightmare, too, as I’ve seen it in my SAH. Not a pretty sight – like the tallest tsunami heading your direction. Keep safe.
With love,
Deb
Here’s a great article on the Blame Game.
http://drjanicecaudill.com/blog/love-avoidant-strategies-in-intimacy-anorexia-the-blame-game.html
Deb,
My husband was jealous of our kids because they took my time and attention. He wanted me to “mother” him and at the same time he didn’t want me to tell him anything. He would rebel/fight with me about any opinion or suggestion I made. He later told me that he knows it all went back to never being able to please his mother. So he hates women.“It’s really strange. I think that when his shame gets too great, the blame game begins. It soothes him like a prostitute.”
Right Deb, that is their defense mechanism. Whenever they feel exposed, vulnerable, or self contempt they have to turn it out because the pain is too great to face themselves. My H read a book Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. It is an in depth look at the faulty inner thinking of a shame based person and their complex maze of defense mechanisms. It is the first time he has been able to understand what is wrong with him and how to try and process rationally.
Debora
Hi Deb,
thanks for the post. It’s funny, I now feel like the intimacy anorexic in some ways. I avoid him like the plague. because he is toxic. we can’t be intimate with toxic individuals.
also, this whole thing has messed with my identity and my view of sex in such an unhealthy way. I feel like I am still hot — i like sex– and I have no man to take it to. I mean I believe I will eventually. but to still be living with someone, who was supposed to love me, where we our desire is supposed to be for each other that way — OMG. what a load of rejection i have received. yet, I reject him also. i now find him foul that way.
i know this is a side note. but hell– one of the benefits of getting married, for me, was 1. building a life together 2. starting a family 3. having a safe sexual loving partner.
i have been more unsafe in marriage than i was single. i really miss having a sex life. living in a marraige where my desires are unmet, or i am so mistreated and turned off by his behavior that i dont’ even want to get in the sack, i mean ugh.
last year, I survived on survival sex. every one in awhile (with protection) just to feel like a human.
i can no longer even do that. even if he hasn’t f’cked a tranny lately . i just see him as gay. and i am horrified at what i have married. horrified.
if i ever get outt this- boy oh boy– some lucky guy is gonna get some good lovin’. I am so overdue and haven’t had it done right for years.
just finding a heterosexual that will like me, will be a major improvement to my quality of life.
http://drjanicecaudill.com/blog/love-avoidant-strategies-in-intimacy-anorexia-the-blame-game.html
BTW, I want to thank whoever posted this womans work. I have read everything she has on her site. She specializes in working with individual and couples with Intimacy Anorexia, an intimacy disorder, the black hole of self- loathing that cannot risk rejection. She puts this difficult concept of emotional withholding out there in words I can grab on to. and there is not much written on this that I could find.
Many of you here had an active sex life with your SA (while they had and active sex life somewhere else as well) but some of us have been starved for connection and sex for years. It helps to understand this odd facet of SA. Iin the eating disorder world there is gorging but there is anorexia, both eating disorders.
Pam – That self defense behavior is coined – reactive anorexia. Don’t worry about it. Who wouldn’t be….we are all repulsed and sexually shut down. But not a one that I’ve heard here isn’t longing for a real relationship with the normal range of loving to hot and nasty sex. SL has a boner in her back every morning down in the holler!! NAP and Debora are chewing leather. Hmmm boner-leather… boner-leather, gee, it’s such a hard decision! You are so awesome Pam, I can’t believe you stayed with all that for so long. You deserve the “Mother Theresa to the most Depraved SA Award.”
Love Debora
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