- This topic has 16 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
OK I typed a really long story here and sent it but I can’t find it now…guess it didn’t post..uugghh!! It wasn’t the easiest to revisit all of this and now its gone. Oh well, I have been dealing with this for 5 yrs…married 5 years and at 6 mos of marriage our sex life abruptly stopped. finally pay per view bills were the 2nd clue. My first meet n greet with hubs over porn with me using the phrase “I think you are addicted to porn” was 2 yrs ago. The 2nd meet n greet was this Jan when I kicked him out after tracking the computer for a year (Thank you Eblaster!!)…his iphone accountability app doesn’t matter because the alerts I’ve gotten since Aug show more actress searches (and they conveniently have been in Penthouse or did porn) and just last week he googled “tits” from his phone. That poor, poor man is so stupid. God love him, he thinks he’s getting away with all of this as I just smile and play nice while working on my escape. I want out but I have debt to pay off first so I take my debt time to come to terms with my decision to leave an otherwise happy marriage due to porn. I’m done getting sex every 4-6-8 weeks and being sexually frustrated while porn meets his needs. Thank goodness he has some “honor” and doesn’t view while my girls are home. I put a gps tracker on his car last month to see if he’s popping in at the adult book stores. Nothing from any computer report or cell bill indicates another woman as there was never chatting or instant messaging (Thank you Jesus!) or any unk email accts or dating sites visited (he doesn’t even have a fb acct)…..all this indicated was that he was strictly viewing or ‘in house’ as I refer to it, he swore this too in January. That’s about the one truth I could verify. this is not the man he is meant to be and 2 mos in couples counseling and 2 mos in a mens sa group doesn’t fix him. I have offered to stand by him but he wants to sneak and lie about internet so I will move on and when I do I won’t look back. Porn and his pride have quite a bond and my heart aches that it has such a hold on what is normally a wonderful loving father and husband who works hard and is a good man deep down. but porn has broken him and I believe after some tacky comments from his ex about her never getting sex that he brought this from his first marriage and its not my fault nor am I to blame. my self esteem is in the crapper and I’m slowly working to rebuild it and I know I will. God brought me to this journey with him and it looks like it will be another woman who suffers as I did or maybe she will be the catalyst to save him as I thought I could.
Oh honey, I admire you so much… and NO, you are not to blame– AT ALL!!! there is something here, however, that you may not have considered.
please notice this statement:
“porn has broken him and I believe after some tacky comments from his ex about her never getting sex”
Honey, do you see, that this could’ve been you, making those “tacky” comments about not getting enough sex. I’m not saying that you made those comments, but the fact that you each share the fact that this guy doesn’t relate to either of his wives, sexually. Also, please know, that SAs do LIE and exaggerate. It is possible that she never said anything at all… or simply asked him for sex and he said that he was “tired”. (the usual response)
The reality is that his addiction most likely was formed long BEFORE he met either one of you. Most porn addicts report that they started masturbating, even before puberty. Some were molested, and abused in other ways as well.
And no, a couple of months isn’t going to fix anything. This is a lifelong battle that few can and will succeed at, no matter how much they want to. And that is just for the ones who TRULY want to.
I read an article a couple years ago, about a young guy that was so addicted, he would have all night binges and it wasn’t just normal women/men stuff… and then, he would wait until the last possible second, before having to go to work, and he would spend the rest of the day, jamming visine into his bloodshot eyes and drinking caffeinated drinks, to stay awake. He went to rehab for 2 months and the last I heard, he had a follow-up article, where he had relapsed. And this is a guy who desperately WANTS to stop! (no, he’s not married, and won’t marry until he has a handle on this thing).
I’m so sorry for this situation that you find yourself in. I’m always amazed when I read women who KNOW, and are keeping silent, while making their escape plan. That takes an incredible amount of strength and fortitude. Again, a warm welcome to our sisterhood.
All my best,
Lexie (sometimes Laurel– my real name) 😉
PS: rest assured that no woman can fix him. He will do to her as he did to his first wife and then to you. The only person who can save him, is himself and unfortunately, that person is merely a shell of a man, and a user. very sad.
Dear for-now,
I get how sick we get of our own rotten story with these SA guys. It is a tedious tale at times.
You sound like you have a sense of direction. It took me time to have that about my own life, but this was my only marriage and I’d invested 30 years in it. I know some of the sisters here have a really hard time knowing what direction to take. Did you have any “ah–ha” moments that clarified things for you?thanks for sharing,
D.Thanks for the kind words Lexie. The ex wife made that crack to hubs sil who told his mom who in turn told me. This was said early on dating and I had no clue about porn then because we were going strong at that point. He said they split bc she changed and had become nutty like her mom. Now I did see moments of crazy from her as she blew a gasket when he met me 2 mos after the divorce was finalized. I don’t think she knew about the porn per say but he did turn away from her sexually so after playing roommates for two yrs she then divorced him. He didn’t fight it and cornered him a few times at their kids stuff wanting answers for things that long in the past. This clued me in on some jealousy issues she had. From these comments I gathered she felt she wasn’t enough, he didn’t fight for her to stay and so on. One phone call left her ranting “I hope she gives you everything I couldn’t.” very bitter, very unresolved. I feel sorry for her only sometimes in that it sounds like she internalized his rejection never getting it was him, not her. There were times I thought I was going crazy too over his pa so maybe he spoke half truths there. What baffles me is that he truly is a great man, well liked, amazing reputation, huggy/kissy with me and my kids, great looking, witty, funny… He truly is my dream guy yet my heart breaks that I need to leave due to porn. When he moved back home after I kicked him out I told him that unlike alcohol or drugs there is no test to take that says yes using, no not using and I was literally at his mercy having to trust him. It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions that I’m tired of. I’m tired of being a fake. I fake smiles and good moods daily all the while thinking “I know what you did yesterday.”. I used to explode at every discovery until I put spyware on the pc’s. I knew the more ammo I had the more leverage I gained. So he took my silence as “she knows nothing” because of my established pattern of yelling on a discovery. I can’t wait to be real again and no longer fake. I expect to check up on my children but not a spouse. It’s exhausting and I welcome that day when I put him out again because at that moment I will be porn free again.
Diane I think the main ah ha moment was what his ex wife said about him never wanting sex. The other moments were what I truly saw as God speaking to me. The two times he left for work and I was off and something kept saying in my mind check the master closet. Finally I got up and after a brief search I found his DVD stash in a place I had checked before!!! The next month it was the same thing. Go search! This time it was erotic storybooks hidden under his dress shoes in our other closet. Funny how God showed me that. My daddy always told me that when someone’s being deceitful it will in time reveal itself. Daddy knows! God told me again last month to search the garage which I did and found nothing. That was when I decided to track his car. I believe he could go back to the adult book/video stores. That will be my limit and his demise. It’s been a month of tracking his car and so far he comes straight home or straight to work.
I don’t know how you do it. It looks like I need to put in all that tracker software. I am a techno disabled person, and get brain freeze just thinking the words. Also, all his work gear, laptop, phone, etc. is highly protected because it’s defense contractor stuff. I’m scared of what Uncle Sam may do to me if I tamper. The passwords are literally thumbprints, etc.
Even so, my stomach turns at the thought of having to treat my H like a 3 year old, keeping child(SA) proof stuff around and eeking out access to computer, iPhone, TV here at home.
After the first dday 2 yrs ago he said he hoped I could forgive him, at least one day. I cried and said “you better hope I can because if I can’t I’m filing on the grounds of adultery. Just try and challenge me on it! I will bring you a humiliation like you have never seen!!” He was like wow I never saw you thinking of it as cheating. I told him what the hell do you call it when you ignore your wife sexually yet you get off anytime the wind blows. You deny me the most intimate act a man and wife can share yet you knock one out to smut DVDs and books?? Wth?????
Of course you couldn’t give him everything that she couldn’t because NO woman can. As for her “crazy.”
This disease makes nut jobs out of the most stable of us, because it IS crazy making and so unbelievably hurtful. But, of course, he will use our devastation and traumatic response to say that she has “anger management” issues, or she was a screaming, haranguing shrew.
sure, she was. That was WHY he married her.
ever think about that one? did she shriek at him before they were married? no, of course not. so, why on earth would that all change?
now, we know.
He may be a nice man, but he’s also a sex addict and what they do to women is anything but nice and they are liars and cheaters. So, IMO, the nice thing is just a cover and sometimes it is completely fake. completely. Don’t know enough about your h to make an informed decision.
Its pretty effin misogynistic to ignore your wife in favor of a pretend babe on a screen, IMO.
Thank you for sharing. xo ~ L
For-Now,
Your H sounds very much like mine. With how well the other aspects of our marriage are, it’s heartbreaking to think it is all being thrown away for porn. It’s so insulting. It’s painful and it hurts deeply. The most confident person in the world is going to take it personally and it eats away at your self esteem.The counselor told me as she used a box of Kleenex as an example putting it to her chest. She said the box represents porn and no matter how close you stand to me, there will always be porn between you both until he removes it.
its so strange. I always knew that my h looked at porn. I had no idea, that it was slowly but surely eroding our relationship. no wonder he struggled to relate to me, in that way.
We stopped having ANY SEX WHATSOEVER, about 10 years ago.
nothing.
except for 2 nights in early December ’06. I had met a man that I was wildly attracted to, and made one last ditch attempt to seduce my husband, but he couldn’t get an erection.
I didn’t care about it and I tried again the next night. same thing and that was it; we never ever had sex again, and we hadn’t for years before that. Before that, it was not very frequent.
He was a great, passionate and very sexy lover before we married and something changed after we married, but maybe a few years later… gradually.
I didn’t know it then, but sexual anorexia is a symptom of porn addiction. And also… he had his cyber babes, who eventually, he met some of them in person and also was constantly looking for fresh cyber for
“friendship”. its so funny, but his adds described a woman who fit my description to a T…
youthful, fun loving, intelligent, attractive and willing to go out of her “comfort zone.”
He had the thing he craved, laying alone in his bed, right next to him. All he needed to do, was lean over and help himself.
but no…
he never did that. never asked. never held me, or stroked my long silky hair, or my incredibly soft (I’ve been told) skin.
nothing.
Your therapist said it very simply and factually. Bottom line. End of story. That’s what it all boils down to. And that porn stays between you long after he “stops” watching it.
Lexie, that’s another thing that baffles me. In the 6 yrs we have been together he has always been able to get it up and he’s in his 50’s. Mechanically everything has worked fine except maybe once or twice but we went on and so that’s whats so weird. He says he wants me, he says I do it for him yet he never reaches out to me but every 4-6 weeks. I stopped initiating after kicking him out bc I’m just done with being rejected. He will snuggle with me, hold my hand while out and in bed, stroke my hair and laugh and joke with me but the porn has destroyed our married life as a couple. If he had a true ed issue or was impotent I would see that as that was card I was dealt and accept it. I cannot do the same for porn. I have tried to accept it and I even considered getting me a piece on the side to keep the peace (he blew UP over that suggestion!). My life ain’t getting any longer and there’s got to be a man out there who sees my value and what I bring to a relationship who isn’t blinded by the allure of porn.
In the 15 years before we stopped having sex, he NEVER even once had any performance problems. but he was often, “in his head,” it felt like… he was not really with me. At the time, I wasn’t really aware of that as my h was my first real relationship. (yeah… late bloomer). But had this realization, in retrospect. I truly was relieved when he didn’t want to have sex with me, anymore, because it felt yucky.
he has his demons and he had had YEARS of intensive therapy and really should have gone back a very long time ago.
he’s very sorry for hurting me so badly and admits that he screwed up badly, but he’s also just a negative depressed slob who as my older son has said, is afraid to grab life by the balls.
its limited to just his own balls, with someone who isn’t me.
i can’t talk about that any more. it just hurts too much.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.