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Three years ago, I found a flirty email from H to a young woman, and I confronted him about it. He denied anything inappropriate. At that time, I thought simply confronting him about it and letting him know it was not OK with me would be enough. Honestly, I thought I deserved the Wife of the Year Award for not engaging in a full-blown fight about it. You know where this is going ….
Two years ago, I had an unprecedented urge to search his computer for that young woman’s name to see if he was continuing to flirt with her. Good news: no communications (that I could find). Bad news: he was a member of multiple online dating sites, affair sites, porn sites, etc. Spending roughly $500/month on his habit. Most disturbing, he was communicating with these women and searching for hotels, trains, etc. to (I assume) hook up with them.
Here is the problem that I would appreciate your help with: He swears that he never engaged in any sexual encounter with another woman, and that his internet searches for hotels and transportation within minutes of communicating with these other women was purely for fantasy. Yet, about a month after D-day, while we were out at dinner, he shared with me the good news that the STD test he had taken the week before had come back clean. It has always bothered me that (1) he never shared with me the fact that he was going to get tested and (2) he felt the need to get tested if, as he claimed, he had never had sex with anyone else. In addition, he had refused to share his business bank records with me (from which he paid for porn, etc.) to prove that he had not paid for hotels and transportation because it was just “too painful and embarrassing.” (A year later, when I told him it still concerned me that he would not disclose those records, he agreed that he would, but was visibly pale and shaking – so I let it go.)
Here I am, two years post D-day, and I still feel like he’s lying to me about whether he slept with anyone else. I feel like I probably could have gotten over the physical cheating if he had confessed, but if I found out now that he was lying, no way.
Does it matter? Am I just hanging on to this as an excuse to walk? Do I force the issue of reviewing the bank records again just to verify? And then what? I’m not even sure that I need or want to know. I would appreciate any and all help and insight.
It doesn’t pass the smell test to me. He’s being way too secretive.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is on multiple dating sites, who frequents porn sites, or who doesn’t tell me that he’s getting tested for STD’s. Why did he get tested if he hasn’t been with anyone?
Your gut is telling you something. I think you better listen.
Claire
Dear Agony,
I am so sorry you are going through this…
I know the more seasoned sisters are going to jump on here and give you some great advice/words of wisdom, today I am not in a good place to offer that.
But I am sorry and I do hope that you stand up for yourself and I hope you do choose to be brave and take care of yourself.I’m with Claire…the number of lies in his story is a HIGH number, I would bet anything on it. My guts were throwing up flags left and right as I read your story Agony…
He’s lying, I would bet on it. I am sorry you are living with that. Glad you came here to share and learn. The betrayal wounds are horrible, but sharing helps.
Hi Agony,
I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through such turmoil. Your gut already knows what your mind doesn’t want to see. I don’t see any way for you to be happy with the questions that occupy your mind. You need to find out the truth and then see where you go from there.
I’m sorry to not have a more hopeful response for you, but his behavior is screaming “SEXUAL BETRAYAL”.
Please protect yourself. Read through our stories to better arm yourself. We’ve all been through this swamp and are here to help you through.As deeply disturbing as it is to hear confirmation of my fears, I really appreciate your candor. What a great community of support this is …
If I do find out it is betrayal, I think I’m done. I grew up with an alcoholic sex addict step-father and cannot see myself re-living that horror. On the other hand, I think I’ve come to that realization anyway, so I’m not sure that I need to know — especially if it confirms his story because then I’m leaving even though I know he was telling the truth! On balance, I think not overturning the apple cart any further might be the best course.
Thanks again to all of you.
Agony, I went through numerous iterations of truth to find out that my husband had been having sex with prostitutes and coming home to have sex with me.
What do you want? Because right now I think you need to be clear on that. If you are staying its one helluva forgiveness journey and strong boundaries. If you are going, get the best lawyer you can and get him out, again with some severe financial consequences and strong boundaries.
Best of luck, heaps of love and loads of fairy dust x
Hi Jos1972,
So sorry about your journey. That sounds absolutely awful. My gut tells me that I want out, but I’m paralyzed because of my need and longing to see my kids every day.
We went through couples therapy and individual therapy (the irony being that I have done three times as much individual therapy as he has!), and I thought I was going to be able to forgive and move on. Now I have a calm and steady feeling that I would be happier as single co-parents.
Anyone done a trial separation with any success in finding clarity? I am thinking of renting a house for a couple of months this summer.
I lived apart from my husband for a year after the first seven months of recovery. I needed to see what he would actually do as far as making amends and recovery. It was heartbreaking and yes, I got clarity. I can’t let that man be my partner for life.
Hi yes I think you NEED to separate, even if its just a therapeutic separation. My dday was over 2 years ago. The lies and manipulation continued but I was unable to get any space from my SAH. I slowly began to die inside until I got away for 2 weeks. Only then was I able to process what I needed to do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Dear Agony,
Many of us believe a separation is absolutely essential for you to gain clarity and to recognize what you want and what you need. At the moment, you are playing the ostrich game and enabling him big time. You may think you don’t need to know anything else BUT if you try to pull the plug on the relationship he will use every form of manipulation possible to keep you tied. Sometimes the raw truth is the ONLY thing that catapults us away from these guys…sometimes that isn’t even enough. Give yourself some time free of his BS. It will come to you what you need to do. I’m sorry you are hurting. Karen xx
My 2 cents is to go for the 2 month trail separation and seriously commit to MINIMAL contact ( kids only ). I think you already know he is lying but you need to get your head clear and sorted. Nobody takes an STD test for no reason. If he did then he is a crazy person so there’s that too.
I know you are hurting and it’s crazy making stuff but having the truth is important. At least enough truth for you to make an informed decision.
Sorry , this was a rough “welcome” but since you asked, I guess you wanted the truth from us 🙂
Agony,
I’m sorry too for your pain. We have choices in life and some arnt easy. You said you don’t want to repeat your alcoholic SA dad and you don’t have to. You know what is healthy and what is true for you. Always follow that and you will be okay. It may not be easy however it’s much better than compromising our own values, beliefs, and the example we set for our children.
Love, NapI also would encourage a separation, especially as Bev said you asked and your gut is telling you this – makes sure that you have some real guidelines in place in terms of what separation means, not just from your therapist but also from his (if he has a decent one), and an attorney – a good attorney. I don’t know what state you live in but any decision to move out can complicate the marital home status and all of that kind of stuff so please do your homework and protect yourself. You have already said that he won’t share financial information with you so you have to do some financial detective work of your own – you can’t rely on anything he tells you at all – it doesn’t matter whether it is the truth, sometimes, it is selective truth telling to protect himself not you – you need to be in ‘protect you and your kids mode’ – please take things at a pace you can manage – sometimes the advice to support leaving can be overwhelming and it is you who has to live in it and the nature of this crap is that your emotions will be in a roller coaster die for a while – don’t worry if you go back and forth – start first with getting accurate information on your own behalf from independent sources and go from there – kindest Meg
OMG. I just laughed out loud. Truly, I welcome the honesty, and I think I’ve known it all along. I feel the love! Thanks again. This post has been such a gift!
Agony,
Your story broke my heart. I’m so sorry, but I gotta agree with Liza and March. A guy who “didn’t physically cheat” doesn’t get himself tested. And then spring it on you that he’s so pleased he passed…narc.
(((Hugs)))) Amy
And who looks up trains and hotels as “fantasy”? Not buying that.
I agree with Meg- talk to an attorney and make sure you and your kids are protected. Agony, you are asking all the right questions. Your gut is working just fine- you need to trust it.
I am sorry you are in this mess with the rest of us, but I think your gut is working just fine. You just have to get your head and heart to listen to your gut, and that is really hard to do. I struggle daily with it. Post often and we will be honest with you as you navigate your new reality. We all have the gift of seeing the other sister’s situations a bit more clearly than our own, and it is a gift to have some one who truly cares, offering insights that we might over look. Take what you need and leave the rest. We are developing thick skins to survive this SA shit storm so if we say or offer something you don’t like, that is ok. We promise honesty though, and our best advice to help you make decisions toward your Higher and Best Good. Welcome to the ‘Hood’.
Agony, in my experience they only admit to what you have already proven with hard evidence. That being said I know exactly how you feel. I always needed proof to confirm what my gut already told me. It wasn’t until more slips and lies after DDay that I just decided to stop caring what I could prove and just believe that what I suspected was the actual truth. Whether right or wrong I feel like I protect myself and my son more that way. My main concern for you is that if you don’t think he hasn’t been physical that you leave the door open for unprotected sex, especially with his clean std test. Please please make sure you always use protection
The old adage “when you see one rat there are always fifty more” really applies here. I’m afraid with these guys there is always much more and much worse than what they tell you and what you know. I would assume the worst.
You can be 99.9999% positive he has been physically cheating, especially in light of the fact he’s been getting std testing. Surely you must know that deep down. Please be under no illusions. Don’t have sex with him, especially unprotected sex. Even better, kick him out and figure out what your next steps are.
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