- This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
now granted, i can’t necessarily say that i know enough about SA to know. i just feel like it’s something more/different with him. my husband of 3.5 years (he is 33, i am 39) and i were both ‘gay’ before we got married. i put it in quotes because i say i was gay by default. no men were ever attracted to me, so at some point, around age 20, i accepted that women WERE attracted to me and opted to try that out rather than continue to feel unwanted and unloved and have no relating to anyone at all. he tries to explain it in a similar way. although all of his life, he was flamboyant and at an early age, had sex with boys. at the age of 7,he had his first real sexual experience, with a male cousin who coerced him into giving him anal sex. he has always claimed to me that the gay lifestyle disgusted him and he always downplays his sexual experiences with men, although i know there were a lot more than he lets on, and it seems to me he enjoyed it a lot more than he would ever tell me. in fact, one time before we were married, i became infuriated after he shared a story with a mutual friend (in front of me) about how he met this guy, never knew his name and fucked him in the ass so hard that he bled, because the guy asked for it. he got off on it so much and he gloated about how he walked around with that guy’s dried blood on his dick for 3 days. but back to this chapter: back in april, i accidentally logged onto his fb page. he was at work and was also logged onto his fb page. a chat window popped up. it was a chat from a guy i knew he had been in contact with (someone from high school he contacted under the pretense of getting medical advice regarding our daughter’s vaccinations. this guy is an anesthesiologist and for the life of me i can’t figure out why he thinks i’m stupid enough to believe that ruse.) the chat went on for several minutes and ended with the other man suggesting to my husband that my husband’s day would be better if he (the other guy) were under his desk. my husband agreed. needless to say, i was furious. i confronted him immediately and he went into what i assume is typical behavior for someone who gets caught: he was at first apologetic, then denied he had done anything wrong, that it was innocent and born of boredom. then he began to claim that the other guy was a predator and then that he just felt bad for the guy, so he tolerated his sexual suggestions. i also found later that said guy had sent him pics of his dick, and that my husband continued to talk to him after that, laying waste to the claim that it was ‘innocent.’ when i asked him ‘why’ he simply said he did not know. i told him that if he didn’t figure out why, that it would happen again. he swore to me it would never happen again. i swore to him that if it did, our marriage would be over.
stupidly, i accepted his apologies, for the sake of our ‘happy’ home life and our (at that time) 16 month old daughter. it is also important to note at this point that he NEVER initiates sex with me. he never cuddles with me or holds me, or kisses me goodnight for that matter, and when we do have sex, it lasts for all of 30 seconds.
last friday night, he was being kind of sketchy checking his email, looking over his shoulder, and just looking generally guilty. i could only assume he was making sure everything was deleted. after he went to sleep, i tried to get in his email. he had changed his password. the next morning, we were leaving to go out of town and we needed the hotel confirmation info from his email. i slyly got him to open his email as he was jumping in the shower so i could print it. i guess he had no problem with this since he knew he had deleted all the emails. what he had not deleted however, (and is stupid enough to think i don’t know how to find stuff out at this point) was his address book. i checked every letter of the alphabet to see if there were addresses i didn’t recognize. (we have a very small circle of friends and i know who he knows, so this was easy). i found two. one was a response to a craigslist personal ad. the other was one called ‘wildfun_79@yahoo.com’. i tracked down the CL ad and found it to be an ad from 2 weeks earlier for ‘2 bi guys looking for a 3rd’. This was enough to send me through the roof. but it gets better. after i confronted him, he kept begging me not to leave him, that he was sick and needed help. he swore to me he would never have the balls to follow through with it. so, the next day, more chatting on gmail with each other (which we do all day) with him refusing over and over to be honest with me and telling more and more lies, and basically me DOG CUSSING him and calling him a pathetic liar, he finally admitted to me that sometime in june (sometime between our 3rd anniversary and my birthday) he hooked up with a guy from CL whose name he does not know, and let him suck his dick. he has been issuing responses to men on craigslist for over 10 months and expects me to believe there was only this one time. (which i do not believe, btw.) i am just floored. i am so disgusted, sick, angry….blah blah blah. i have kicked him out. as of last night, i packed a suitcase, his shoes, work clothes and a suit and literally pushed him out the door.i am so devastated that i don’t even know what to think. he begged me not to leave him, saying he was sick and needed help. but he has today claimed to our mutual friend whom i first confided in that he doesn’t have a problem or addiction. she asked him and he said ‘no, i was just being stupid.’ call me crazy, but repeated, worsening behavior of this kind is not just stupidity, is it? he is either a narcissistic, self centered, asshole who is really gay, and cares nothing about who he hurts to get his rocks off or, he is a sex addict. am i wrong, or right about this? and if he says he doesn’t have a problem, then how is he going to get the ‘help’ he says he wants? (i know the answer to that, so it is purely rhetorical.) his mother is all concerned because i have kicked him out and he has nowhere to go. i told her, just like i told him: he should have thought about that when he was having some little twink suck his dick while he told me he was going to get lunch. i just do not understand this behavior AT ALL. he knew it would ruin our marriage if he got caught, but he did it anyway. wtf does he expect? but he didn’t think he’d get caught, so he kept it up to appease his own urges. he obviously has no self control. either that or he doesn’t give a shit about anybody but himself. he claims they are not desires, though. he claims he didn’t want to do it and he doesn’t know why he did it. (just like before) he has called a counselor who specializes in this sort of behavior, so i guess we will have to wait to see what her assessment is before we really know anything. obviously he is too weak to admit he has a problem. and his failure to be honest disgusts me. i do not know how i can stay married to this man. i loved him, but since this, all of my love has died. i can not imagine how i could ever be intimate with him again (especially not give him oral sex, which i though we both used to love) without imagining some faceless little homo sucking him off on his lunch break, or without thinking that he is imagining i am someone else. i am just so sickened and brokenhearted. i don’t really know yet if i’m in the right place, because i don’t know if he’s sick or just gay. so until i find out, i will just stay here and see what i can learn. thanks for reading. i am sorry all of you are going through such terrible bullshit too.Okay… honey… big breath… sloooooowww exhale…
This is what I think:
I think that your husband is gay, but doesn’t WANT to be gay. And I believe that he may have chosen you because of your history.
I also think that he’s a sex addict.
And I think that he has a severe pathological personality disorder.
He is presenting as a gay sex addict trying to be in a heterosexual relationship. It happens all of the time. (I’m a dancer… VERY common in the arts!)
I also believe that his intentions were probably honorable, but what happens is that they actually delude and deceive THEMSELVES that IF they marry this great woman, that their “gayness” will disappear. A lot of hetero sex addicts believe that their SA will also disappear.
But, it doesn’t work that way… In fact, the strains of life and of having a REAL LIFE with all of its ups and downs, plays a part, too.
Its the REAL LIFE that they are seeking relief from. 🙁
Boredom is actually not boredom as much as it is a deep and chronic depression, IMO. But, it is a frequent “excuse.”
Sex addicts DO minimize their activities, lie and deny and its so very, very hurtful and enraging. I’m so sorry honey.
I am extremely concerned, however… He had unprotected anal sex with a man, so that the man bleed all over his penis… and THAT is horrifying on many levels, but you know where this is going…
He’s very sick honey. At the least, I see him as having sado-masochistic tendencies with men and is using your marriage as a front to look like a “normal” guy.
I am not saying that he doesn’t care for you. I’m sure that he does, but the sickness is coming out now.
I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering… and stay with us and also let us know what the psychologist says. I’ll be very curious.
My best,
Lexie
yes, that is all pretty much exactly what i think. especially that he is gay, but doesn’t want to be: he said as much, that he never wanted to be. but i don’t think you can change you truly are. thank you, lexie. this is the first interaction i have had with anyone who as any experience with anything like this. i really feel like there’s no hope for the marriage. his mother is practically forcing me to let him come back and live here. i will be installing a monitor on his work computer on tuesday, if all goes as planned. at least that way i can keep tabs on whether he is being truthful or not.
Wow, WM I am truly sorry for all the pain you are enduring right now. I am going to have to second what Lexie said, and btw Lex very nicely said.
I believe you are in the right place, and hopefully you will find some comfort from us.
{{hugs}}
JacHi warrior mom, i am sorry for what you have been going through. Its harder when you have kids, i am a mom too.
The things your h has done and things that he has admitted too, point to a very scarry man. but to tell you the truth they all are. You just got some of the raw details, i bet many of us just have not heard.
But take a step back. Read what you wrote. Is this the type of man you want to be with? Is this the type of relationship you want? I think not.
I am sure his mother is controlling. I am sure they are guilting you into doing things you don; want to do. He is not a baby, he is an adult. He can take care of himself.
Only do what you want to do. Do not let him back home if YOU do not want to. Do not do it because you feel you will look bad, look like a heartless jerk, that it appears you hate your husband. Because once you let his ass back in, it will start all over again. Its the truth.
Really evealuate this man. Is this a man you want in your life?? When you sit down take a break – is this your dream life – is this what you thought your marriage would be like? If you don;t like what you see and feel for him, walk away. Sometimes sex addiction is just a symptom of other issues, how is the rest of the relationship?
Sometimes the damage is too great. We cannot get over it. And there is no bandaid that will make it go away.
And if you had that feeling…the “its over” feeling, its over. The most you can do is fake it and try…some try forever…buts its sad to see. It would really be sad to see your life thrown away as you die a little each day you stay with him or a day you are not living your life.Love,
FloraI couldn’t agree more with everything Lexie said. I hope tat you can sort through everything and make sure YOU are being taken care of.
I, also, would be extremly worried about the unprotected sex. Please get checked regularly for a while.
Geez doom and gloom. Sorry.
But when you really here about the sick world of sex addiction it is sick. And soemtimes i truely wonder why any of us ever try. But we all did, i did, and every one else did. We have to have our give it one last try, but i have to say that one last try is damaging, but hell you certainly learn your lesson if you are scorned.All i am saying is. You should not live your life for others. Its time to take a stand for you. Whatever that may be. Maybe you stay together. But some books i have read say the odds of staying together are actually better if you make a physical split while they work through their issues. it leads to less damage. And when he is done and you are done; you can come back together. I seriously beleive that the best advice for couples finding about sex addiction is a split. Often they are so enmeshed they cannot see the disaster in frotn of them. If they split apart it prevents further damage and disaster. The point of the 1 year seperation is for them to work through their addiction and spare you the brunt of the crazy.
Love,
FloraHi WM,
Thank you for sharing your story. Although our stories vary, there are some common themes one being the fact our men actually ” hunt ” their sex partners behind our backs. It’s on going, secretive, lying without remorse, and an inability or desire not to stop. For some the hunt is a variety of porn. For others they move on to real bodies.Could your h be bisexual? From what you wrote it sounds like he seeks out men. Some SA men will add men to their progression to up the high however they usually keep the woman in the mix. It’s sick even to write about.
Sorry for your pain we all know how it feels and it’s painful.
Love, Nap
I’d be willing to bet that his parents don’t want anything to do with him either and that’s why they want you to take him back!
Just trying to make you smile during this tough time.
I would get tested for STD’s ASAP if I were you. This is not safe for you. I also would not let him back in the house. He needs to think about what he’s done to you and the family structure.
Much love, Claire
i have drawn up a contractual agreement for him to sign in order to come home. his mother will make my life hell if i don’t, so i am considering how to make this as safe for myself as possible. tell me if this seems okay:
CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT
These are the terms of the Agreement. If you disagree with or are unable to fulfill any of these, all bets are off and you will have to move immediately.
1. In order to move back home, you will first have to take and pass a polygraph test to determine whether or not you are telling the truth regarding how many times you have cheated on me. If you do not pass this polygraph test, you will have to move out completely, immediately. I simply will not tolerate lying of any kind, ever again, regardless of the fact that our marriage is over. I will not have a liar raising our child and living under the same roof as her. Since you can not be trusted to muster up the truth, the polygraph is the only reliable means of doing this. And while a polygraph, generally speaking is about 98% accurate (and this certainly gives you the opportunity to swear you were telling the truth even when you weren’t), 98% is a much higher rate of reliability than your rate of reliability which is exactly ZERO.
2. If you pass the polygraph test, you can stay here in our home for a trial period of six months, in which time you will work on yourself by getting in therapy, staying in therapy and making every effort in your being to discover and come to terms with your issues so that you can be freed from whatever sickness is ailing you. This is not a period during which we will be working on us. As of October 28, 2011, our marriage is over.
3. During this time, even though we are not working on us, you will share with me, to the best of your ability, the nature of your issues and your progress in therapy. It is important to me to know that you really are getting help and working on yourself. This lays the ground work for # 11. If you are not making a valiant effort at this, the Contract will be terminated immediately and you will have to move out.
4. If during that six months, there is any sort of undue stress on me because of your shitty attitude, inability to cope with, or ugliness toward me because of your issues, the Contract shall be terminated, and you will have to move immediately. If this makes you think you will be walking on eggshells, then welcome to my world.
5. I will agree not to throw you out at the drop of a hat, unless one of the terms of the Agreement is violated.
6. I will not verbally, emotionally or physically abuse you.
7. You will not verbally, emotionally or physically abuse me.
8. No discussions of any sort pertaining to your therapy or the issues precluding it or our problems will take place in front of Annika-Rose.
9. I will probably ask you a lot of questions, continue to try to understand how you could have done this to me, and remain very angry and in disbelief and cry a lot. And I reserve the right to do any of that as long as it does not involve name calling or physical abuse.
10. You will remain at your current job for the six month trial period. There do not need to be any more major disruptions in anyone’s life right now. You will just have to suck it up and do something that makes you miserable, just as I am by agreeing to let you come back to the house in the first place. Make no mistake: I do not want you here. I am fine with throwing your ass in the street and letting you deal with the consequences of your actions. You are an adult, it is time you started acting like one. I believe more than anything that by letting you stay here, I am simply enabling you and letting you think your behavior is ok. However, that apparently isn’t the ‘right’ thing to do so I am doing this to give you an opportunity to be with your child and to not be uprooted while you are trying to sort through these very deep issues that you have to uncover and accept and ultimately make peace with.
11. At the end of the six month trial period, we will assess, based on our individual counseling progress, our own feelings, and how well you followed through with #3 whether or not working on our marriage is even an option. As of now, it is definitely not an option. A six month window will give you an opportunity to discover the bases for some of your issues and whether or not marriage is even a viable option for you. And it will give me time to find out if healing from the damage you have done is even possible, especially in the context of staying married to you.
12. You will do your own dishes and pick up after yourself. I am not your mother and am tired of being treated like your crappy houseservant. If you don’t like the state the house is in, don’t stomp around the house like a six year old and slam things around: do it yourself.
13. There will be no more vodka shots. If you are serious about getting better, it is time you accept that the level of your drinking will most certainly impede that. I am sure you will sneak and get them and do them before you come home, and if you want to deceive yourself into thinking that’s okay, you go right ahead. But your issues will not get any better if you keep drowning them in alcohol.
- The forum ‘Stories’ is closed to new topics and replies.