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Being physically seperated from my SA, living apart, I find it hard to set consequences for boundaries.
I wish had a list of options for me including things like moving out again or inhouse separation etc. But because I moved out, I feel like I only have limited options which I won’t implement – such as ending our relationship, or no contact etc. I did these before in the past and followed through. But none of these consequences ever make an impact on him because rather than them being a wake up call for him to recover, this further rejection and abandonment does the opposite and triggers him to go deeper back to his addiction. So for me, rather than make me feel safer/better, it only causes me more hell, pain and PTSD because I know he’s “acting out” even more and that deeply hurts. And the no contact consequence results in my anxiety hitting the roof. To him, these options he can live with, because he has his comforting trusted addiction to fall back to – that’s how his crazy mind works at the moment.
He’s back in recovery mode at the moment. He’s not meant to socialize with any women sex addicts though, which was one of my boundaries – but it turns out his group of guys all went out for coffee/lunch after the meeting on Saturday, and a woman SA went with them. He kept her presence hidden from me and lied about it, pretended it was only men. He said that he froze up and didn’t know what to do, sat far away from her as he could, didn’t talk to her, but he thought I’d freak out so didn’t tell me. I pushed him tonight and he finally came clean. Now I don’t know what my consequence should be for him breaching my boundary. I should have thought of it earlier, but didn’t.
Oddly, he said tonight was the first time he didn’t feel any resentment towards me for questioning/interrogating him as he usually does – he said for the first time in forever he felt some compassion for me. He’s apparently been sober for 5 days. I know that’s not much, but if it is real, it’s progress for him.
What are some other ideas I can have for consequences? I know this is personal to each person and situation, but I feel because I don’t have anything solid in place, he’s got used to having no impacting consequences for his behavior.
I feel so confused and trapped. I know the point isn’t to punish him, but at the same all the things I can think of are more punishments or actions he has to do, rather than things I have to do, if that makes sense. Like when he lies to me, he has to pay the bill for my next therapy session. He has to destroy the iPad his fucked up enabling parents gave him, because he told me today that he went back on dating sites while using it last week – I feel so shocked by this.
One of my boundaries that I can implement quite well is no socializing with me while he’s got no sobriety, because I hate being around him knowing he’s been fucking porn women in his head, it causes me to get very vivid flashbacks and my hypervigilance gets really intense.
I just don’t know what to do with everything else.
I fear I sound so pathetic on here.
It’s really hard too, because I also know the more consequences… the less likely he’ll confess to me about what he’s doing, and will do it anyway behind my back without me ever knowing. It’s important for me to know what he’s up to. I want him to tell me openely – to me that’s progress. I’m sick of cat and mouse and having to be a CIA spy all the time.
I sometimes think money is the only thing that makes him suffer and makes me feel better, as silly as that sounds. He’s always complaining about being poor – despite him earning $90k per year. And a part of me feels like I need to get something out of the pain and damage he’s inflicting on me – money to help me prepare for my own future if I go further on that path. I dream about nice new things so I feel confident to meet a new man. I really want to say to my SA things like “every dating site = $200”, “every time you slip and cheat on me in your mind = a designer purse”, etc. I know it’s not the point of boundaries though! I think it’s more because I feel I have no value… in the past he gave thousands to strippers and never made a fuss over me.
I asked my therapist back in May-June 2011 to help me work out boundaries, and she never did. So I tried on my own to sort it out. Then I brought the topic up again to her a few months later, and it seemed she had no clue what partners need to do regarding this – said it was something people in a relationship “work out together”. I was like, huh?? She is nuts and I am about to fire her anyway because I found out she betrayed me big time (I will explain later). This has caused me so much extra stress this past week. Ahhh.
Apologies if I’m all over the place with this post. I hope I make sense. My mind is a mess today.
Victoria
Dear Victoria,
You are not pathetic…how you are feeling is totally understandable.
Yes, I guess money could be a consequence, but how would that feel for you? What price could you put on your pain? I dont care if he is Warren Buffet–he doesnt have enough money to buy your suffering!
I suck at all of this–having had four d-days and escalation and here I still am. But I think I can say one thing–so long as the consequence is meant to control him, wake him up, make him see, I dont think they will work. The consequences and boundaries have to be for us. Not part of our fixing them.
When am I going to REALLY get it in my head that I CANT fix him. I CANT fix our marriage. I am only one person. How many more troops do we send to battle before we figure out we will never win?
Hugs to you.Ok girls, you must first realize that you are not dealing with grown up , rational human beings. Try to think “preteen”. They will push your buttons, test your boundaries, and get your attention one way or another. What’s the ONLY things a teenage boy cares about? Sex ( our SAH ‘s have that), money, cars, and status ( they want to be cool).
You cannot take away the sex. You can take away the money. You can threaten exposure. But the best thing is to pay them Zero attention. That is what they crave most of all.
Tell him that you will have no contact with him for a month. At the end of the month he must take a poly. If he passes then you will consider reinstating contact.
You cannot reason with teenagers, or drunks ! Sex addicts fall into both categories …
And yes!!! Take his money and buy you a new purse !! Who gives a shit what the therapist thinks or what the ” deeper” meaning of a designer purse means!
I saw some really great Michael Kors the other day 🙂
Victoria, you’re not pathetic in the slightest. The boundaries thing stymies me too, and I keep doing the definition of insanity thing over and over. I know in *theory* that the boundaries are supposed to be for our own self-preservation and sanity. But I’ve found that the problem with my h is that he is still so damn good at compartmentalizing, that when I set a boundary, he compartmentalizes that too. For example, I’ve tried to set boundaries such as no contact between us until he’s gotten a more available sponsor, or gotten to his 8th step. And I know in *theory* I’m supposed to just let the chips fall where they may and stick to it. But what happens is that instead I let frustration overtake me. I’ll check his web browsing history, hoping that there are signs he’s really throwing himself more into recovery. But what do I find? Endless lists of golf courses, and endless lists of things he’s looking up for his classes. Which of course is preferable to endless lists of the other crap he used to browse. But it’s like ‘out of sight, out of mind’ for him. He just carries on with his regular life full-force. And then of course I blow it because I get so angry that he hasn’t taken the boundary seriously and shown signs of stepping up to the plate more. So then I call him or email him all frustrated and pissy, and the cycle continues. COSA would have a field day with me. In another thread Debora wrote a wonderful post about this, and used the analogy of ‘chewing your leg off’ to get out. Sums up perfectly how I feel. I guess maybe there comes a point where we look for our own epiphany, rather than waiting for them to get one. But we’re so emotionally and physically drained in the interim that it’s hard to envision ever getting to that strong of a place. xoxo
I think Bonnie b is better at this than she thinks. She is exactly right in my opinion, although imagine Joanne, CBS, etc can offer more ideas on suggested healthy boundaries for you
when they are violated the consequences must be followed through with or they mean nothing
For me, if my husband begins using chat lines, porn again I will divorce him. If I do not follow through on then shame on me.
For me, I do what it sounds like you are, taking on the guilt that your actions cause him to feel abandoned and act out. As someone on this site said ‘they are grown ass men’ let him worry about him, and you worry about you
we cannot have a relationship with them unless they are willing to work on their issues, take responsibility for them and you take care of you. And not begin working on your marriage as hard as that is until they have a long history of consistent non acting out and abusive behavior
No, you are not crazy, nor pathetic. You are trying to navigate through crazy, and it is impossible
You are already physically separated from him, kudos on that, now you can find a therapist who understand the trauma model for spouses and begin your healing,
Wishing you all the best. It’s a long journey, be patient with and gentle on you.Victoria,
You are not pathetic! You are simply trying to deal with a painful impossible situation.
“Boundaries” seems to be a highly used word with too vague of a description in my book.
I have a personal problem with viewing boundaries as consequences. I believe it should be a list of protection for yourself, not threats, consequences and punishments for the addict.
If not speaking to him will cause him to act out, then so be it. What is your boundary for him actively acting out?
By continuing contact with him in order to prevent him from acting out seems to be an attempt at trying to contain the damage and control his actions. (sorry for the codependent terminology… it makes me cringe) But in truth, he is the one in control here. Control of YOUR actions. He has the power to prevent you from cutting contact. He has that power because he manipulates you and you hand it over to him.
I think there are two good reasons why he went to that lunch and hid it. First, he’s an addict and they lie; second, he knows he is in control.
You have placed yourself in the same position my parents placed me in as a teen. They pulled out all the stops concerning punishing me. I had all my privileges taken away. I wasn’t even allowed to eat at the dinner table with my family. Grounded to my room. No TV. No phone. Wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. Etc. One day, at about 14, it hit me that they possessed no power over me at all. What could they DO further? Beat me I suppose. But I knew my father would never beat me. And my mother physically could not. I was bigger than her. So I said… screw it… I’ll just “break” my grounding. They can ground me for longer but I had already been grounded a year and I think my compounded groundings were going to take me till I was 18 to serve the time. So from that day forward, I did as I pleased. Came and went as I pleased with absolutely no fear of consequences.
Perhaps you could work on making a list of personal boundaries that have to be met before you will move back in? Sort of do it in reverse? Just a thought. Positive reinforcement works with kids sometimes. Why not an addict?
Hugs, Kim
Minimal to no contact for 6 months has certainly helped me clear my head and get better with boundaries. I highly recommend it.
Dear Victoria,
You don’t want to go no contact or leave him therefore, you have no consequences to implement, therefore you have zero power in this relationship.He knows that and this dance will continue with YOU being the only one hurt by it. When you are unable to stand the pain anymore, you will stop worrying about what he is doing and start actively seeking help to shield yourself from further abuse. The steps you take to protect yourself will be your boundaries. I hope this makes sense. Karen xx
Kim, I like your idea about conditions that must be met before I will ever move back with him. That would give him something positive to strive for, although I guess at the same time, he’d probably give up anyway. He has depression and barely any motivation most of the time. He hates living alone and wants to leave our apartment, which really pisses me off because he should be grateful he even has someone nice to live – he can’t take the consequence of his addiction: if you keep the addiction = live a lonely life alone without a partner. So currently, his mother is “rescuing” him, planning on moving him to live with his brother – both who enable his addiction and pull him back into denial to the extreme. It makes me sick to my stomach. She also paid off his credit card bill for him – which was all the money spent on fake therapy for many months. So he doesn’t even have to live with the financial consequence for that.
My boundary for him actively acting out with pornography and masturbation is for me not to see him. So the only contact is via phone or email. This is, as I said above, to protect my well-being and sanity. Not to punish him really, because usually, if he’s back deep in his addiction – he doesn’t even want ANY contact with me, so he kind of gets exactly what he whats. I symbolize recovery to him and a nagger, so he wishes I don’t even exist when he’s in full active addict mode. He’s too numbed out to even care. This really hurts, to be invisible and disposable, and for porn of all things.
I just wish I could have things to implement such as having him sleep on the floor, no TV, dinner separately, do his laundry elsewhere, things that would make me at least feel I have some power, and at the same time disrupt his daily life.
My bottom lines, where I will leave him because there’s NO WAY I can survive, are – no prostitutes, no strippers, or sexual acting out with any live woman.
My fear though, if he does these, is I will mentally breakdown and perhaps suicide – Karen, I really fear that’s what will happen if I’m unable to stand the pain anymore. It’s been SO hard for me to deal with the PTSD from all the acting out with strippers, already. It’s been pure torture.
I definitely have no power, and certainly am in ‘containing damage’ mode as Kim so aptly articulated.
It’s because of FEAR. Through my 14 month trip through hell…I’ve learned that things only get worse and more painful for me if I’m not present in his life. I don’t want him to escalate because I am terrified of the pain that would come if he goes to prostitutes. It’s my biggest fear. He is more likely to do that without me in his life. His escalation rapidly increases within one week of full steam addiction.
I’m scared of that pain. I can’t deal with that kind of pain, I really can’t.
What’s even more tragic, even if I told him this, it wouldn’t even stop him. He would think it’s emotional blackmail, but it’s not – I’m not trying to stop him with some type of suicide threat – it’s just the truth of what I fear will happen. It hurts so deeply knowing my life is worth nothing to him . My life is worth less to him than one night with a hooker. What kind of world am I living in?
If I could not feel the pain, you know what, I’d totally leave him to his own demise and not give a damn. I’d feel fine having him sit in his own shit… but it’s hard when the pain and fear I feel is so severe.
His enabling mother tells him damaging things like “Thinking about brothels and fantasizing about the prostitutes is NOT a crime”, she actually old me this on the phone and had this proud voice on. This was when he was working next door to a brothel about 2 months ago and kept that fact hidden from me. I asked him to move jobs – or at least a different site – and from all his family it was like HOW DARE I. As if I had no fucking right to have input — they have worn me down, they have weakened me and made me feel I can’t have any power.
Another thing, he attempted suicide a few months back, right after I was “nagging” him about acting out to TV. So this has somewhat made me afraid of being too severe as well, because I fear he’ll go do it again. His parents blamed me then, and will again.
I am crying now, soaked in my tears. I feel so helpless and that I have certainly no control over my life.
I can’t stop myself from feeling this dreadful fear. I don’t know how you all survive after prostitutes. Honestly, how on earth do you do it? You’re all so strong.
I wish I was able to cope, I wish it didn’t affect me. The thought kills me so much – it’s what he was planning around the time of discovery, he was looking up prices, reading reviews, deliberately driving by the brothels. He’ll quickly get back to that level. They apparently quickly pick up from where they left of. Brothels/prostitution are legal here in Australia too – and they’re everywhere!
I know I can’t control his addiction etc, I’ve seen with my own eyes that it doesn’t work, but I have also seen how bad he gets/escalates once I’m out of the picture. That’s totally contradictory, I know! I don’t care about if he gets diseases or anything, but I care about how the hell am I going to be able to cope/survive.
Even if I’m not with him – I know I will feel the betrayal so deeply and it will kill me. It hurts so much already, all the things I’ve already been through.
The only ways I can imagine myself living through this is if I become an addict myself, or I somehow magically have a new partner already before he does it (but how would I even do that?! I have no confidence now, I wouldn’t trust a new guy either, etc)
So this is the crux of it for me, I’m scared to leave him fully because I’m terrified of more pain. I’m terrified of escalation to prostitutes.
Note: This is the type of severely damaged person you become when you live in a far away country that has ZERO therapists who truly treat sex addiction. Not ONE single therapist on this continent knows how to treats partners. It’s not even codependent vs trauma model, it’s NOTHING. I’m not exaggerating. They’ve never even heard of Patrick Carnes, for fucks sake.
I really appreciate everyone’s help. You have no idea how valuable it is for me to have your support and insights.
Victoria
Dear Victoria,
I am very concerned that you mention suicide several times. Please please get yourself a good therapist–someone for just for you as soon as possible. They can start working with you on all of this pain BEFORE you get to that point. Please please keep as much distance from him as you possibly can and surround yourself with as many supportive people as you possibly can.
Lastly, I know it may seem drastic, but if you are feeling so deeply depressed please take yourself to a hospital. Dont feel too proud to ask for help. That might be exactly the kind of nurturing protective enviroment you need right now.
Sweetheart–he DOES have control and he is hurting you. As difficult as it is, you MUST try to gain control over yourself back. He has far to much power to throw you into a spin of depression. Please dont think I am judging, my husband has power too–and it hurts me, even as I see myself giving it over to him. Im working on stopping. We know it isnt easy. Please start taking steps in that direction. And keep posting and stay in touch on this site. We are here for you.Victoria,
Your post pains me and I can hear your desperation. You sound like a lovely, caring, and real person. Your h and his family sound like a bunch of amoral pigs (nothing against pigs).Why do you use him as your measuring stick? Why do you let him determine how you feel about yourself?
You know who you are inside. You know your own self worth and beauty. There is no one who defines you but yourself. This is your boundary you are seeking. This is your truth.
If people violate you, they don’t deserve you Victoria. They do not get to be with you and your kind and loving soul. This applies to anyone and everyone. This is your power of self respect and God created you for a reason and to let yourself be destroyed by these people was not it. Please know this to be true.
If you can, be with people who love and respect you and you trust. The horrible pain you feel trying to relate to your h is your inner message to AVOID him and anyone who gives you so much pain.
I hope I haven’t been too harsh. I think all these people need to be dropped from your life like a hot potato. They don’t get it and will only cause you more pain. You need joy and happiness and you find that from within and then it spreads outward. Care about you my dear sister.
Love, Nap
Dear Victoria,
There may not be sex addiction therapists where you are but there must be some that treat depression. Please get help. Don’t know if you are taking antidepressants but you need them right now. Kill ing yourself over a hooker is not rational thought!! It is a strong sign of serious depression. You are entitled to that depression but you are not entitled to take your own life because of an addict’s behavior.You cannot possibly begin to help him, support him, set boundaries for him, or work on saving your marriage until you help yourself.
I survived/ am surviving hookers because a cheap whore that my suck husband chose to fuck is NOT worth my life. Will I get over it? Will I forgive? I don’t know. But I do know that his addiction does not and will not define me. I am depressed too. I am taking Zoloft. I am sitting on my patio with my doggies and koi pond and coffee ( beer when I can’t stand any more and the kids are in bed!). I am pretty much ignoring my H. Not in an ugly, pouting way but just emotionally. I am not checking his phone, computer, or asking about his therapy sessions; not because I trust him bit because I don’t care. I am taking the advice from all the wonderful ladies on this site and I am doing what I need to do for me!
Find something/ anything that will help you. Step out of the drama and sickness and let God’s light shine thru those clouds just a small ray at a time.
I will be Praying for you ,
Love,
BevOh Victoria, I’m so worried about you Sister. Please do as the girls have suggested and find a Doctor to help with your depression. Do it RIGHT NOW. Once you work your way out of the worst of your depression, you’ll find the strength and clarity to free yourself of this man who would be the death of you. You deserve only happiness and light, and you WILL get it. You can’t help him, but you MUST save yourself. Love, Liza
Victoria – you need to know that suicide is an act of hostility. Hard to understand, but you are directing it at that piece of shit husband of yours. If you would follow through, what that accomplish? You will be dead, and your h will continue his depraved way of dealing with life. Don’t even think about hurting yourself-you are too valuable for that
and a wonderful woman who has become prey to this sick-sick h of yours.
Please get some help immediately. You are a valuable woman with lots of life to live on this planet. HE IS NOT WORTH IT. Call the nearest physician or psychiatrist near you.
We all deal with severe depression in dealing with an SA. There is help and medication to help you deal with this.
Sending prayers and love your way.Dear all,
Bev– I totally love where you are at. Right on– !! I think it is a very healthy place. And it is true, why should our lives be ruined because of some $2 dollar ho? hell to the no. and then some. have coffee, have beer. and I think it is very key to our / your health, to not check at this point. I have to say for me, after I stopped checking (why bother if there is no recovery, glutton for pain that chore is) I started healing. I started to emotionally and psych seperate from his behavior. And it was good. whatever he was doing, not doing, whatever. I was focusing on ME. and i think it is a really good start. I could feel a real difference. sounds like you are too.
Victoria,
I really feel for you. I mean the flip side, or down side of leaving them and living apart, is that we do give up control. And it is harder to control / set boundaries from a different residence. But isn’t that the whole point? Sometimes we can lose sight of why we left in the first place. Because the pain was too great, and they weren’t playing ball. And some of these guys will not get the AHA moment, of Oh shit, i really messed up and need to get serious. they will feel rejected and abandoned and do what comes naturally for them, their drug of choice. sex, drugs hookers porn, whatever it is. It may truly be a free for all for him.
GOOD. I know, that sounds harsh. But Victoria, what do you have to do with his porn and/or hookers? what do you have to do with his choices in life? let him get the God damn diapers off, be a grown ass man, as they say and do whatever he is going to do. good, bad or worse. let go.
I agree with what you said, about boundaries being safety for us. and not about controlling them. I think when we really put ourelves first, and our emotional safety needs first, boundaries and consequences for breaking them become more clear. we just have to be careful to not try and control them. if we werne’t controlling them in the house, aint no way in hell we are controlling them when we are living apart. But isn’t that the whole idea?
i say buy a purse. look cute. and go on a damn date and see what happens. I guarantee, that once you start living YOUR life, apart from him, apart from trying to control something you can never will never control, life’s gonna be a whole a lot better. and the chips will lie in your corner, not his. because he won’t be able to toy with your life anymore.
get busy living Victoria. living. and let that jackass join an all female SA group. let him have group sex afterward. who gives a shit. you are not an addict / perv. he is. let him own it.
5 days sober????? ok. great. talk to you in 5 months then he has something to say. until then. get the purse.
Dear Victoria,
I want you to listen to me VERY carefully. The most PRESSING problem you have is that YOU do NOT value your own life? You are making your survival contingant on him and he is a lost cause. Here is what I want you to do. I want you to make a list of ALL the support you have in the world and then try to figure out how u are going to draw on it? Do you have healthy people (friends or family) who will love and support u emotionally? You need to call them. Is there a trauma or abuse shelter close to you? You need to find someone who knows about abuse- even if it is physical abuse that is ok- ALL abusers have the same MO and counselors at a shelter will undertand what he is doing to you. Do you have money? Can you call Dr Minwalla and see if he can help you…even long distance on the phone. Thinking of killing yourself is a sign that you really need some support and help. I want you to think about where you can get some help (NOT HIM and NOT HIS FAMILY) and get it asap. As to your question how we survive? We survive because we know they are NOT worth not surviving over…if you understand? Now it is time to get really serious about helping Victoria. He will still be there with his sicko family AFTER you have given yourself a break and got the help you now really need. Antidepressants are an excellant idea and you need a therapist who can listen to you- yesterday. Keep posting to us too. Love Karen xx
((Hugs)) Victoria. I know that desperate feeling all too well. It’s like you’re suddenly supposed to be able to cope with this huge void in your life, at a time when you’re feeling completely wrung out and when nothing feels real anymore. You have been traumatized beyond belief, hon. The other sisters have given great advice. The only thing I would add is that what helps me get through the day are baby steps. Not futurizing, not making plans. Just baby steps. If you can think of one thing that helps you relax, do it. Just that one thing. It’s very hard to slow our minds down when our world has been turned upside down. All the mixed emotions are warring in our heads and our hearts and it’s just too much to take in. Are you familiar with Barbara Steffens’ book, ‘Your Sex Addicted Spouse’ ? It’s been a godsend to me, because she understands the incredible trauma that we go through. Keep talking here, Victoria. We are all here for you. xoxo
Ok, support system:
– My sister
– You ladies here on SOS
– ISA trauma phone support group
– S-Anon meeting… but haven’t been in monthsMy other family members are here for me, but at the same time, they don’t exactly know how to be very supportive and often say harsh insensitive things. They don’t quite get the gravity of this for me and lack compassion.
I don’t really have any close friends anymore, and I think this also plays a part into why I get my value from my SA — He was my best friend for the past decade, who I confinded in, who I spent most of time with. He meant so much to me in my life, I know you all are probably sick of hearing this, but I do think it’s why I measure my value from him. I was so happy with him, I thought those were the best years of my life. I can’t even put it into words anymore, how fractured my mind is now because he’s this entirely different person.
All your words have been so comforting. Rest assured, I’m not planning on hurting myself at all currently. I’m sorry everyone has been worried about me, at the same time I really appreciate it too. I have an appointment booked for tomorrow with a trauma therapist – she’s never treated a partner of a sex addict before, but I saw her once already, more as an emergency, and she made me feel better then. I’ll let you all know how it goes.
The one thing that totally alleviates my pain is thinking about my 3 cats who have passed. I lost them all quite suddenly and tragically – and two died within one year, my last girl one month before D-Day. I feel I haven’t even been able to mourn her properly. There was no time. Once D-Day came, it was like everyone most important in my life was just GONE. All wiped out in succession. But thinking about my cats and looking at their photos makes me feel at peace, I get an overwhelming sense of love and value. I know they love me unconditionally.
Yes, Annie, Barb Steffen’s book always sits by my bedside (aka my mattress on the floor! in my sisters room). I read it all the time. My SA ordered it for me, back when he had entered real recovery in the middle of last year. He read it too a few months back, it was an eye-opener for him and he said he couldn’t believe how much we have to go through to heal, but that new insight for him never lasted of course.
I am thinking of flying over to see Dr. Minwalla for an intensive during the year. I’ve been considering doing this for a few months now since I first found out about it on his website. I emailed ISH few weeks ago using the contact form on the website, but didn’t recieve a reply so perhaps it didn’t work.
Victoria–I hope you are feeling the love from all of us! And rest assured, noone here is going to be sick of hearing anything. This is the absolute BEST place to get UNDERSTANDING support.
I hope you get a chance to come for the intensive and am sooo glad that you arent on the verge of hurting yourself. But please please follow the good advice here about taking care of yourself so that you dont end up in that very dark place.
Sending you lots of love and well wishes!!!Sounds like you are thinking through some good plans. Why don’t u call ISH and see if u could make plans to go. Please keep posting and know that we are all thinking of you? Karen xx
Victoria, I am so glad you have an appointment with a trauma therapist tomorrow. And I am so sorry for the loss of your kitties. I’m a cat person too, and they just stay in your heart forever. And I completely understand what you mean about your h having been your best friend and confidante. And not so easy to just toss that out. Please let us know how your appointment goes tomorrow, ok? Thinking of you. xoxo
Victoria,
Thinking of you today. Focus on all the positives in your life and do thing that make you feel good. I’m happy you are getting a good therapist. Try not to let your mind go into dark places, change the channel to things you know to be truly good.
Love, Nap
Good luck today Victoria! I totally understand the loss of your best friend. I feel the same way. And the last 20 years of my life being wiped away. That’s why I am on my patio… Trying to sort thru and get my options down. I keep a notebook handy and jot down thoughts or ideas as they come to me. Some are good and some are bitter and ugly. It helps me.
Wishing you peace
Bev
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