need some opinions – can’t do it alone any more

Dear Ann,
First of all I want to say that Im sorry for your pain. Like KMF said, you arent the only one here who has had trouble breaking away from this. Im not and wasnt stupid either. We all have our reasons–there seems to be a disproportionate amount of empathy and compassion in the sisters here. We all turn ourselves inside out trying to understand and help and lap up the tiniest glimmer of hope. The first rounds of discovery for me my husband was sorry, broken and contrite, did counselling etc. Later he just became cruel and actually blamed me–such a nice “thank you” for sticking with him!
Bottom line dear, is that your life is ticking away–every year. Not to mention the message your children may be getting. Yes it is hard to break it off. I guarantee that it is harder to stay (been there and done that) and ironically there is less reward/benefit.
We all have to do what feels right for us. But our advice is coming from a place of experience–cumulatively hundreds of years of experience! What a happy day it would be if just once on this site someone could have the lightbulb go off and the experience of the other sisters could save even one woman from years of heartache and crap!!!! Ann, you have had enough already….Maybe it can be you?
What do you say?!? With love and best wishes. Fingers crossed. ~Bonnie

Bonnie is our SOS super heroine. She loaded up her shit and left him with some SA books.

It is not about “giving up on the addict in our lives” to address your earlier question.. It is about saving yourself. No one tried harder than Bonnie, Nap, Cindy, Jos, Teri, JoAnn, March, Trish, Lynn and other’s that I am leaving out. No one just walked away and shrugged their shoulders and threw in the towel immediately. Every sister here made ( is making) very difficult choices and they did not know before hand that their H was an SA. Getting away from a toxic person is not “giving up on the addict in your life”. It is ensuring that you have a damn life. Most of these guys have done nothing but prove over and over that they cannot be trusted to feed your goldfish, much less make a decent husband. That includes yours….

I can’t shrug it off. We have been victimized enough. I won’t have it here 🙂

Ann, I know you were not being insulting or belittling but those words are hard to hear when you have read the heartfelt agony of the sisters that have tried so very hard.

That includes myself. When I found out all this shit. I put every ounce of my pain to the back burner and reached out for help for the father of my children. I have supported his recovery efforts the very best I can.

🙂

Dear Ann,
If you are hearing us coming on strongly, I hope you will also understand why. In many ways, as odd as this may sound, we are not LIKE you, we ARE you! As Bev and the other sisters have chimed in, the inclination of every single one of us was to put ourselves on the back burner and to try to help our partners. For most of us, it took several rounds of being battered with this garbage before we even considered making ourselves a priority. And if you go through many of the posts here, you will see how difficult that still is for many sisters. We are like loyal cheerleaders for a losing team. We dont give up easily. And you can also see the emotional toll it takes on us.
When you mentioned that your husband is looking for some “magic pill”, god did that ever ring a bell with me. My husband tinkered with his diet, exercised, meditated, even went back to school to get a masters in Chinese medicine looking to get his shit together. You know the ONLY thing he didnt try? Actually working WITH me, being honest and open and vulnerable with me!
I went through a decade of on and off acting out. Each time things got nastier and escalated. Never once did he come clean, I always would catch him, and god, I wasnt even looking! Like you, I knew about it before we got married, but he seemed so vulnerable and sweet. I was understanding and supportive…ugh.
Yes, in the end I did leave, and I cant begin to express what a relief and joy the past 10 months have been! I recognize that not having children with him made it easier. And Im not trying to trivialize what you are going through. But please sister–hang out here. Read the stories. See it for the mirror it is and take care of yourself. Whatever that looks like for you. But PLEASE make YOURSELF the priority. Trying to help and figure him out will drag you down.
Warmly,
~Bonnie

That is true, support for partners is our common thread, no matter how we feel about SAs.

I wanted to leave the first second I started reading on the site!! I was scared to death. I thought “Oh No, not my H , not me, no no no no…”

This site saved my life. I figured I had stuck my head in the sand long enough. I needed to hear every word and I still do.

Absolutely Bev. Ann should not stay in this relationship. As I’ve said before he is just a naughty boy and I don’t think you can make him into a decent man. My post was really about hearing things you don’t want to hear but sticking with the sisters anyway. If she makes a decision contrary to advice we will still be here but telling her the same old thing.
If my husband starts F’ing hookers again and I don’t move out I expect you to come over here and drag me away or drag him away and feed him to the dogs.

Hang in there Ann–keep reading and keep posting. This is a supportive place and we really do understand.
And yup, he really did study chinese medicine and is now a liscensed practiioner. Oh, but he ever once cracked open a single book about sex addiction, even though he acknowledged he was a sex addict. He didnt want to put himself “in a box”. Un Fing believable!
Take care.