- This topic has 74 replies, 20 voices, and was last updated 12 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Thanks everyone. I’m getting stronger every day as reality sets in. It also helps that I’ve been working with him for 10 years. These decisions I’m making were actually made years ago… just waiting for a reason (I prayed wouldn’t happen) to implement them. When he moved for the job the reality of what he could get himself into was a huge cloud in the back of my brain. I hoped it wouldn’t happen – but I’ve been cautious this whole time and didn’t have far to fall .
Still amazed how warped he’s gotten. He want’s so badly to be rid of the addiction (honestly he really does) but when the temptation hits he does little to change his path. He’s created a decent support structure for himself out where he’s at so it’s made it easier to drop the rope on my end. I know that there are some not so pretty days ahead of me still.
Thanks Moving… I wasn’t always so put together. I know I’m suffering from PTSD. The first few years we were together I would cry at the drop of a hat. I had studied a lot about sex addiction before I married the man. We dated for 3 years and waited 2 after that to have our son – and we’re older. I knew going in that the addiction wasn’t about me. I’ve reinforced consequences for a long time, although it’s never easy.
We’ve had some awesome times together and buried under the huge load of shit he has a decent heart. He’s just seriously messed up right now and I’m not sure he’s coming back from it this time. Quite frankly I’m not willing to deal with him if he does.
It’s actually pretty easy to look at the situation objectively when you’ve been through it over and over. Rarely do I even cry any more. Some day’s I think this relationship has messed me up more than he is.
Dear Ann, I understand why you are letting him come for the birthday but it is a mistake IMO. No contact is now the way forward. He has nothing of value or merit to give you but he has a Hell of a lot of manipulation to direct at you. You say you know he is too far gone to listen so what is to be gained by being around him except more head f–k?
Karen speaks the truth Ann. Nothing good will come of this visit. You’re basically telling your husband that he can have his cake and then come to your house and eat yours too.
My concern is the children. Ann knows the drill. She has been dealing with this for 10 years. She is a grown up and can choose. Those kids have stopped asking about dad. They don’t even have phone calls or skype with him. Now, he is going to show up at the birthday and stay in a hotel. happy Birthday kiddo…..That sucks for him/her.
I was thinking that too Bev. If they are sort of used to him being gone and a split is likely WHY have him come and upset everyone only to leave again.
I don’t mind what an adult women decides to do for herslf or the addict. I mind when children are side notes to the destruction on both sides. Somebody has to take the hit and be the parent.
I am allowed bad choices. I am allowed pain and confusion. I am allowed to pursue my hopes for the future. I am not allowed to do any of those things while hurting my children that I chose to have. It is not all about me any more. It just isn’t.
I think it is bad for children if they think a parent does not care for them at all. They may not miss him now but I think it will cause problems later if they look back and say ‘My father didn’t even bother seeing me on my birthday’. I’m saying this because this is what really caused problems for my son’s ex Rachel. Her father didn’t care much for her after he left her (she was 2) and started another family. I have no doubt that the core of all her problems is that her father doesn’t love or hasn’t shown love.
Just because Ann’s jackass of a an H comes to the birthday party does not indicate in any way that he gives a shit about the kids. He doesn’t even talk to them for months….You cannot make someone care. Don’t stick the kids in the middle of the sex drama.
He made it clear ( and so did ann) that he was visiting for one reason ( to have sex with her). I don’t think any kid is that stupid. Leave them out of it.
A man who only shows up at milestone events, plays the “husband” and “dad” role and then cuts out for months at a time is very hard on children. It is so clearly about his saving face that it hurts the children even more than if he was just absent. Instead of being the focus in their special moments, they become props in his “I’m a great guy” show. That said from personal experience with my sister’s family and my own children. Someone else may have had this work out. I’ve seen it become a source of real resentment and heartbreak.
Until 4 days ago he was talking to them by phone and Skype twice a day. (All facilitated by me as they are too young to arrange it) So He has been talking to them and they have a good relationship. We have been to see him and he has been to see us at christmas for 10 days. We are apart right now because he took a job in another state and I was wrapping up my job and our home here. I chose not to leave until May or we would have been there with him already.
This trip here in two weeks was planned months ago. He’s here to see his mom and sisters as well as us. I just didn’t expect him to go head first off the deep end and destroy our relationship two weeks before his arrival. The kids love their father and he loves them and I keep an eagle eye on the whole situation. They’ve never been alone with him at night. Because of his conviction he’ll never gain custody if it gets that far.
Even if we end up divorced he still has full interest in contact with them and while he will never gain custody he will have court ordered visitation either way. By law he still has a right to see them unless he lands himself in prison again – and by will of fierce protection I will be there with them the whole time he’s with the kids.
Just not looking forward to seeing the bastards face or spending the day with him. I’ve danced the separation dance before so I know how to play a lot better than he does. If he’s out of line I can dump him back at the hotel and his family can get him back to the airport.
It would be nice to think that I could simply wipe him out, but he is a father and he does have an interest in keeping his rights. I’d rather keep my enemy close at this point.
Ann, this is what you wrote two days ago: ” I feel so lucky that we have hundreds of miles between us already and have had so much time to get used to this separation already. The kids stopped asking about him months ago so the missing Skype calls at night haven’t even phased them. I’m planning on telling him in a few days that he can consider us separated.”
You can pull the wool over our eyes all you want, but I hope you’re not trying to fool yourself too.
I would not know how to deal with a breakup at all. It is a minefield. It is so hard to know what to do to get the best possible outcome for your little ones.
Ann, you also said this in your earlier post: ” After 5 months of being gone the kids rarely ask about him any more anyway – and often don’t even want to talk to him at night when he calls.”
I am all for you making your own decisions but don’t hurt the kids. They have a tough enough time ahead of them.
catherine, the first thing to do in a break up with young children is get in or out. Stop messing with their heads and make them secure and safe. They need security way more than we do. Is daddy living with us or not? Is Mommy and daddy divorced, separated, angry, working on it…??? They are young children for God’s sake.
Ann can’t even tell her own story straight. She is upset and in pain. These kids are in trouble if Ann doesn’t take a stand. Period.
I always feel that the “birthdays, trips, family reunions,” ect are simply rationalized excuses for contact. You plan a nice trip. You find out before you go away that your husband is f–king hookers and you think you should still go on the trip. Whats up with that?? As to the birthday, all that could be arranged so he could see his kids without ever seeing Ann. I guess we do these things because we know their behaviour warrants no contact but we don’t want to go through with it so we rationalize. We use our kids, our finances, our vacations, our beach houses, our jobs, their jobs, the kids finishing school, the kids finishing college, the kids getting married, us finishing college…whatever answer we have to to keep it all going. Some of the reasons are valid, but many are just excuses to avoid action. It really sucks when you don’t want to take action but avoiding it means continuing to interact with a psycho and you yourself are choosing to do it.
Even in a divorce I’ll have to see and deal with him. He’ll always be “in and out” of their lives. They’re too young to see past who’s going to feed them breakfast in the morning, they are just happy to see whomever whenever daddy or not. They might get a vibe that something is wrong in their lives, but they don’t have the capacity to understand the situation as it stands. My son still thinks he’s going to marry his sister when he grows up. As long as they are safe and in a loving situation they are good – and we have that here.
Besides, it’s illogical to think that just because he’s screwed multiple whores at this point that he will never see his kids again ever, or that I could even make that happen. Parties will still exist. He will still see the kids. When they are older I can bow out. Right now I don’t leave them alone with many people at all and then not for more than a few hours – so yes I will be there for this visit. Probably puking in my mouth every time I look at him. I’m not going to make it pleasant contact for him with me, but other than me severely limiting his time with them while he’s here (already arranged) – he will still be at his party. He’s here to see the kids and I’ll be in the background.
I’m not confused on the timeline or what I said. My kids are toddlers. when he first left 5 months ago they asked daily where he was and what he was doing. We repeated the same info daily for 2 months – this is where daddy is, this is what he’s doing. That has stopped now. I made sure that they called to talk to him every morning and night until now. Being young the calls didn’t last long because they don’t have that kind of attention span. Until a few days ago plans were still in place to move to him so there was no reason not to I was keeping their relationship in place.
Now I have stopped doing that. And the kids don’t think or care to ask because he’s such a small part of their lives. My sa knows not to call here, and we aren’t calling him. He also knows we’re officially separated. He’s still coming off his high right now and I don’t want them around that at all phone or otherwise. If he’s still not sober when he gets here for the weekend I have no problem dumping his ass at the hotel and leaving him there.
Update: What do you ladies think of this? I get an email from him tonight in response to one I sent two nights ago outlining the separation and his visit restrictions. He’s still not thinking clearly from the tone of the email…. but at the end he asks me if I want to go to dinner and talk the first night – and if he should reserve a private room so I can yell at him all I want “if that will help me”.
Does he think that me yelling at him is going to fix him? Punish him? Make him feel better? Get it out of my system so I’ll get over it faster? I’ve never yelled at him in our whole relationship. I find low, slow and cutting words to be a more effective way of getting my point across. He grew up with yelling, I didn’t. Maybe I should take his offer and lay into him? I feel it would just be wasting my breath at this point, but maybe he needs to have me lay it all out there for him.
I’m inclined to believe that dinner is a terrible idea, but we need to find a level playing field before the party, and he needs to know that I’m the gateway to his kids.
We are going to have to talk about this at some point. Right now even thinking of his face sickens me. Any coping techniques for getting the xxx porn reel visions out of your head?
He is minimizing what he did by implying once you yell a bit it will be all right Then of course you have the private room and he can get what he came for. This guy doesn’t respect you and talking to him is a waste of time. As Catherine said, back away. Karen x
He wants a private room to have sex with you because that’s all he wants. That’s all he cares about. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings or the kids. He wants to go out to dinner and mindfuck you then go to the private room and fuck you. You do what you want but you have kids he can be left alone with and a conviction that would prevent him from getting custody. I’m going to ask you straight out. What the fuck are you doing? What are you trying to save? I’m really upset by this. He’s a good guy sometimes but can’t be alone with the children?!?!?! Lets not sugarcoat things.
Thanks for the replies. I’m really troubled by his insinuation that one talk is going to make this better. Any humor he might be trying out as per his MO is falling flat right now. He’s not taking any of this seriously yet. I realized after thinking a little more about it all that dinner can’t happen. Even if I wanted to talk to the ass right now I don’t think I could stomach being in the same car or table as him. What exactly are we going to chat about anyway? His whores? Not in a public restaurant.
I had some friends that were wanting to go catch dinner soon. I think that first night he’s here would be a perfect night to get away and do something for me. I called his sister today and let her know what was going on and asked her to pick him up and take him to his hotel. I’ll still have to deal with him at the birthday parties, but there will be lots of other family around. After that I don’t have to worry about when I’ll see him again. It will probably be a few more months.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.