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So my husband is trolling craigslist for a guy right now. Even though I said I don’t want to do it. He also is texting me at the same time asking about it, asking me if I want to etc. See first he texted me that he missed me and wanted to make love. I said, well that’s sounds nice. Then he said, but you are going to have me wait in the other room first right?? I stopped responding, then I checked his email account. He is looking for a third to join us this week. I so sickened by all this. All the time. He doesn’t want me. He wants to fullfill his sexual fantasies regardless of what I need and want while masking it with “well baby, I want you involved!” Sick, sick, sick. I just need you all to tell me that he is acting like an addict. That he will never give me what I need. That I have tell him to fuck off. That just ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. Him just even asking me hurts me, even if I don’t do go through anything. Just asking hurts me!!! He breaks my heart!!
Tell him for example: “I don’t do threesomes.”. Then say nothing. If he gives you some BS, repeat: “I don’t do threesomes”. Don’t explain, just say those 4 words. Then, “I have to go now, bye!”.
((laststraw))
No he doesn’t love you. I’ve been through this. My SA always used to ask me to do this kind of thing. I did not give in but felt the pressure, just as you are. I had to accept that any man who has no more value in me and the marriage than that cannot really love. You have to accept this truth. I had to write in my journal, once I started journaling, everday “I accept that he is not in recovery, he is an SA” Please trust me on this, you need some space to think and get a new perspective.Just you posting this needing reassurance definitely means you KNOW this is no longer acceptable and it’s offensive to you as a wife. Good for you!!! It reduces sex as nothing but a spectator sport and that’s NOT how it’s supposed to be.
I was wrong to participate in this in the past. I’m not willing to compromise my need to be your one and only. If I can’t be yours and yours alone then I’ll wait for that guy patiently because he’s out there. I want nothing to do with this.
That’s my suggestion to him.
Stay strong. Thinking of you!!
Wow, thank you. I love that. That’s how I truly feel. I’m not willing to compromise my need to be his one and only. I want nothing to do with it. I just need to get the words out to him and stop just living in denial and ignoring him. It’s hard, because in the past, not doing what he wants means he leaves. I’m at the point where he can certainly leave. I’m worth more than that. I’m not going to be afraid anymore.
even if he does love you in his sick sick way, that is not the kind of love you deserve. you deserve real love. which is based upon respect.
no one deserves sick shit like that. and to be treated that way. you are valuable. worth respecting. worth real love. stand up for yourself. be strong. expect pushback. stay strong.
You are NOT a commodity, not an object that he owns and can use and lend out as he desires. You are human, a woman, with her own needs, which include a need to be valued and loved. How dare he.
Why are you still speaking to him at all?
We are all dealing with sick, lying, manipulative, narcs…. In some form or another….
Text him nothing back and get as far away from him as you can.
Your heart may be broken.. Mine is too. But you really have to take a hard look at yourself and see WHO you are allowing to have the power to break your heart….
Love You!!
BevGood for you!!! I am so glad you talked with these sisters.
You know this, but you said you needed tough love so here it is:
He IS not acting like an addict, he IS ONE. He will never be able to give you what you need because he can only think of his own needs. You don’t have to tell him anything at all, just WALK AWAY. No input registers with these guys. Just ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away, it may leave you like me, with yet another doctor’s appointment, looking at doubling my meds to be able to interact like a normal human with my children who need me.
H is not offering you anything but a chance to be one of the players in his personal fantasy. It’s not about you, it’s about him.
It’s NOT about you.
It’s NOT about YOU.
and it never will be.
I am so sorry, so agnonzingly sorry, to be saying this, but he is in love with himself, and his little mindgames and his ability to set up these fantasies. At least as far as he can experience love, it’s more an obesssion. Even the sex will be mediocre, because it’s about his twisted psyche, and once it’s put into play it’s anticlimatic and will just leave him imagining what else you might do. If you do it.
Find somewhere else to be for a few days. Whatever expense it causes, it will be worth it.
Hi Laststraw,
I’m really sorry it’s this awful.
Please trust your name, and let this be the laststraw.
We know you can do better than this for your life.You are so strong and such a beautiful person. Take care of yourself -as the other women said -he is not thinking about you and your needs. He is sick right now…. He needs to hit bottom to even see if he is capable of changing (and don’t bank on that happening). Just decide what you need and hold firm. It is devastating, but I guarantee if you give in, it will keep repeating and you will be re-traumatized again and again.
tell him you are sick and tired of bad sex and the feeling of exploitation afterwards. I mean bad sex is one thing if you love someone, but the exploitation is a whole another story.
Tell him you would much prefer someone who is great in bed without a need for an “entourage”.
Sick bastard sob , how dare he do this to you or ask you such a thing
kick his ass and very hard that is the only language those bastards understand,,,,god this mf%#ker they don’t stop at anything, they are all first class criminalsJesus, Last Straw, Do NOT allow that sick fuck to do that to you again.Pray,pray,pray for strenght.I am sending angels to surround you….step into the light. He is darkness…he is really bad.
Urrghhhh. These sickos are making me want to buy a gun.
So many have given you eloquent responses to his request, but I’d personally go for……thanks for the invite but since it’s clear you have no regard for me, I don’t see how I need to be involved at all. Why don’t you just go for what you really want anyway? get the guy and have him fuck you up the ass instead you fucking jack assLast straw, I know you are hurting and scared, and part of it is that we truly cannot comprehend this is what our partner needs to get off or passes for intimacy.
For now nailed it, you already know you are worth more than this type of treatment. Once we begin seeing value in ourselves, We stop accepting this type of treatment and then we really get to see our as for who thy areStay strong. You are woth more than this.
He wants to have threesomes with his wife, and his wife just happens to be you. In other words, when you walk away, he’ll find another victim to play your role.
Annabegins, you are right, I’m pretty sure that is what he really wants because all the other sex isn’t enough for him anymore. He needs different stimulation and having me involved makes him feel “less gay” I think. He will find another victim to play my role. Whether it be one of the BBW’s he wants to pamper and please or a guy he wants to pleasure for hours. He never wanted to pamper and please me or pleasure me for hours that’s for sure!!! And yes, I have thought about just going along with it because I’m so desperate for affection and to feel desirable again. It’s a lonely place to be at. You all are right and I thank you so much for your responses. It’s true, everything you say I know to be correct. I just want someone to slap me across the head and make me do what’s right. The right thing is to get out. Am I ever going to be able to walk away? I’ve been in therapy for sooooo long. She tells me I need to leave. I say I know and then I never do. I’m giving her money and she’s taking it, but I’m suprised she doesn’t admit that she’s basically robbing me! LOL. We go through the same thing every few weeks. Same story, different date.
You have done this sort of thing before. It didn’t make you feel desirable or like you were receiving affection did it? So why would you get those feelings now? It will just be another act you regret, Last Straw so don’t do it.You CANNOT hold a man with these tactics. Karen xx
No Karen, it definately did not. It made me feel dirty, disgusting, scared and almost suicidal. It was awful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I felt so used and worthless and gross. I’m a bit of a germaphobe/hypochondriac so asking me to have sex with someone else was like torture for my anxiety. My husband knows this about me. He knows I’m terrified of disease but he didn’t care. He was willing to expose me to anything for his pleasure. I’m very mad at him for that and mad at myself because the only way I could ever do it was to get really really drunk, and since I don’t drink regularly I’d be sick for days. Sick with a hangover and sick with depression. It’s evil. If you love someone you never ask them to do those things. I would never expect the same from him. My boundaries were non-existant. No, I’ll never do it again. It hurts for him to even ask. I want to get out. I want a new life.
Lol Bev, I decided to be brave like all of you and post my picture. No secrets here are there!
I want to go. Then the what if’s come into play. Do you guys know the poem by Shel Silverstein? The What if’s?
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:Whatif I’m dumb in school?
Whatif they’ve closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there’s poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don’t grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won’t bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don’t grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!This happens to me, the Whatifs. Of course as you know, my whatifs say different things, but I want them to go away.
Even for those of you that are not Bible believers this verse is beautiful. I know most have heard it but it bears repeating … It was read at my wedding in full by my 4th grade class ( I taught kindergarten but the kids that grew up with me were in 4th grade at that time. Thise beautiful children came to my wedding and stood and recited this verse….
1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)
One verse per line
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.Get out! Your h is such a sicko and he is not going to change. He has exposed you to degrading acts for his own pleasure, and only considers you a ping pong ball that he can bounce back and forth when his need arises. He has taken you to the depths of hell and back, and you have sacrificed everything you value and believe in for a man who cares less about you or anyone else.
Get your self-esteem back. Regain what he took from you and don’t look back. This man has taken you down with him and destroyed you in the process. You are a decent woman who got caught up in the game of an SA who can take what he wants and discard it in the blink of an eye. Any man who would use his own wife for his own pleasure does not love you.
Value yourself and who you are meant to be. Don’t beat yourself up about the past. Life is a learning process, but if you don’t take those lessons and rise above them you will be doomed to an empty life with no fulfillment. You deserve so much more – so please try and see that!! Climb out of that black hole now. Get rid of this toxic waste-GO, and don’t look back. You can do it.Love,
Sharron
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