Need support from wifes who are staying with men in recovery

Hi Ginny,
I’m not the person you are looking for, but I just wanted to tell you I understand the devastation of a three decade disclosure, and I’m very sorry you are in it. I sincerely hope things work out for you in the best possible way.

Even though I am no longer with my SA, the triggers are still there even after three and half years. So that much we have in common. It is easier to avoid them when living on my own, but there is so much permission in our society around male sexual energy and the objectification of women that managing triggers is a little like the pop up head toy—you whack one down and another pops up in the row.

Some of the women here who remain with their SA’s have adopted a kind of detachment that you might like to explore with your therapist. Perhaps they will share more about that.

Wishing you well in all things,
Diane.

Oh Ginny, I would add that they feel like you were kicked in the gut because you were….kicked in the gut.

Hi Ginny,

That would be me. I’m staying so far. My final boundary is that’s it’s over if my h lets me discover one more thing on my own. All I learned was ME finding things, not one confession from him. If he has an issue and does not volunteer this to me BEFORE I find it then I’m out. If he does confess, depending on what it is, I will be supportive. He was also told he’s fucked if I learn something and he tries to say he was just about to tell me.

I cannot take finding another discovery. Been there, done it.
It was mentally exhausting dealing with it.

Our issue has been his porn addiction and having no interest in sex that played a big part in his first marriage ending by shutting out his ex initimately who finally divorced him. I never believed or suspected actual physical encounters, nothing pointed to it via Eblaster or veh tracking that he was unaware I had put in place way back when.

In Dec I threw down the gauntlet on me being sexually frustrated. We are now behaving as roommates bc I was fed up with his need for hugging, kissing and hand holding and nothing more. Sharing a bed still only bc sleeping anywhere else tells my kids something is up which I don’t care to involve them. He is a bit frustrated now with it but tough shit. Welcome to my world the last 6 yrs I told him.

We married 6 1/2 yrs ago and he cut me off sexually 6 mos into the marriage where he only initiated sex once every 6 weeks. I did not put it together that porn was an issue until Sept 2009 after a friend suggested I read about sex addiction bc he thought my h was one after telling him my story and needing a guys perspective.

Then it all made sense.

Has your hubby had physical encounters or is porn his only outlet?

Ginny

I am 18 months from d-day and just had a trigger last weekend. We were taking our boys snowboarding and we stayed in a hotel on Saturday night. I was so triggered being in the hotel. Knowing what my husband did while on a “business trip” in hotel rooms was more than I could stand. I went outside…took a long walk. Breathed deeply. My h asked if there was anything he could do. I know he was trying to help but it just doesn’t help. I will avoid hotel rooms at all costs now. I guess I learn what triggers me, and then try to avoid the situation all together. Probably not the most healthy but it works for now. Hopefully more time will heal.
Lots of support and hugs…

mj

ginny, i have found that seeing a trauma therapist who specializes in somatic experiencing has helped me with the triggers and trauma more than anything. our nervous systems and brains have been compromised by this – SE has really helped me learn how to moderate the effects of the trauma somewhat.

I was triggered bad by any gentlemans clubs frwy billboard ads with barely dressed women on them, crap on the tv, a magazine I get (US Weekly) in the mail and being out in public with h bc he used to eye fuck every attractive thin woman in sight.

I am not so bothered by the first few anymore. It just took time but I still dread public outings with him, even us going to church. He has made great strides with the eye fucking, there’s not been much to report there I still prefer not to be out with him unless necessary. He asked me to go to a movie recently. I haven’t been in sooooo long and wanted to but I couldn’t muster a yes so I said no thanks. I just watch pay per view if there’s one I want to see.

I have no idea how long that will take to get past.

a more personal account – when i go see my therapist, she gives me exercises to regulate my nervous system. we talk about what is going on with me, and she is very attentive to how my body is reacting to what she or i talk about. she is helping me be more aware of how my body is storing the experiences of trauma with DW and also from my childhood. it is difficult but freeing work.

our CSAT recommended this woman, and she is incredible.

Thank you sisters…I’m looking into all of this today. Excited to help me for a change. And from now on!

mj

I’m still with my h, but it’s more because I’m too damaged right now to do anything. I’m about 3 months since d day, so we’ll see what I do when I’m hopefully feeling stronger.

im still with my husband i fund out about 5 yrs ago. we are trying to make this work

I’m still with him but we no longer have a marriage. We have separate bedrooms (since D Day) and we hardly communicate. This is not really difficult for him given that he wasn’t really interested in sex with me for quite some time now and we’ve never had intimate communication. The relationship we have now is one of co-parenting our children and a business-like type of relating to each other. I’m still trying to decide what to do but have been feeling lost up to now. The past few days have been really helpful in clarifying many questions for me and the sisters’s input has encouraged me to see a lawyer regardless of my final decision.
Part of my indecision is that I don’t think we’ve had full disclosure. Without it I find we are not even on ground zero. There is nothing for me to start building on, or not building on. Only questions. On one hand I think my children’s well-being is worth the risk I’ll be taking by staying with him when he is – I believe- sober and not acting out. On the other hand, the lack of trust is very difficult to live with. I question everything he says or does. When he stays up late at night at his computer because of work I just don’t know what the truth is. When he spends too much time in the bathroom, I wonder what he is doing in there…. this is crazy making. Other than lack of trust there is his passive aggressive ways: for example I went away for a couple of days with the kids when I come back he had watched several R-rated movies. At first he didn’t know what I was talking about, then said “I” must have watched them and that’s why they were in the history, then that he wanted to check what I’d been watching, then that we had already seen these movies together a few years ago ( I don’t recall), and that he didn’t really watch to the end…
This was a huge trigger for me and made me feel awful for quite a few days… so I wonder… if he chooses to watch a movie I do spiraling down….I’ve clearly put my well-being in his hands no matter how much I try to be detached…. that his whim will determine my mental health.
So I really don’t know what to do or how to proceed, not yet anyway. But I feel I’m getting closer. Just before joining the sisters I would still wake up in the middle of night with a pounding heart and feeling a deep sorrow at re-realization that all of this was true and this IS my life. Now for some reason I feel a little more re-assured that this is not a marriage, that I should not have to suffer and the whims of “his majesty the baby” should not be given this much power over my life. I doubt this would ever work. I think at best he will spend his life’s energy on controlling his SA, I will never trust him, will always be lonely and have no intimacy (physical, sexual, or psychological). I am not sure I’m prepared to accept this. Living this sacrificial life for the sake of my children is pathologically neurotic if not madness. So I will bid my time until I’m strong enough to stand on my own. This terrible blow he dealt knocked me off my feet and broke me. I need to get my bearings and have some healing before I can stand up and find the right for my children.
I wish you the best with your decision making. I wish you healing and happiness. hugs,

Lola, Avinea, based on your posts, I think deep down, you both know what you need to do. Just take your time, be smart, be prepared, gather strength, stay with us, and in your own time and place, you will know when you are ready. You just will. XO!