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Hi Sisters,
My XSAH is trying very sporatically to communicate with me. I have been communicating with him through my lawyer then they email his lawyer. I even told him early on this is how we will communicate. I am so sure he wants to, at some level, rope me into his spider web then ZAP me in some sadistic way.What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Nap,
I think it’s quite normal to want (in some small way) to talk to your XSAH. Afterall you have spent a great deal of your life with him and talking to him like a best friend. But, I think it’s wise to stick to your guns and only communicate via lawyers. You are human, and you will naturally have moments of volunerability where you might think, what could it hurt? But we all know the answer to that. Please don’t give up all that you have fought for. It won’t be long now, if you can just hang in there. I think it’s smart of you to stay in communication with us and pose these kinds of questions. For one, because you need our help but for two because we may find ourselves in your situation some day and we will remember all this advice. Know that we all love you and support you.
Your friend, CB (HUGS)
nap up to this point you have been right about everything you have felt. stick to what you believe to be, and what is best for you
much love kattThanks CB and Katt,
I never thought about that. I just can’t trust him enough to talk to him. He has done so many mean things and lies so much he makes me dizzy when I think of him. Of course, I do miss the companionship but then I can get a dog, turtle, or fish or something. I hope others won’t find themselves in my shoes…however, for me, mine was a ‘real goner’ in more ways than one. Love you too my friends Katt and CB!!!
Nap:)Hi NAP,
Anytime you are tempted to communicate with him in person,consider sitting down and writing out a list of 10 reasons why that would not be a good idea and you should stick to the plan. I find that if I see something in writing….and I wrote it…. my denial is confronted and reality becomes more clear again.
I heard this from you, NAP…..and it was excellent advice….”Don’t stick your hand back in the toaster.”
Love,
MarieNap,
My husband wanted to discuss a settlement with me, I was really hesitant but thought if we could come to agreements, it would cost us less in attorney fees. He agreed to every thing I had listed, until spousal support. Then he decided to make a counter offer .
In the end, what you discuss out of the court and without your attorney is not admissable in court. All he wanted to do is find out what I wanted and then use that information to manipulate in court to his advantage. Yes I had emails that he was in agreement, but could not present that in court.
Be careful!
Hi Marie and Jeannette,
Thanks for the advice. I think I will speak, as I was doing, through my lawyer. I do think he would use information to hurt me or manipulate as jeannette says. I cannot trust him one iota. I look back and cannot believe what I tolerated for 25 years, now that I am free of all the madness. I think he wants to “be friends”??????? WTF? How do I be friends with someone who is so cruel and self centered? I can never be his friend and honestly think now I was never even his wife….just a curtain for his addiction.Starting over can feel overwhelming at times. I know this is a transition period in my life. I could never go back to the madness of my h level of addiction and he’s definitely stage 4 (if they were to stage addictions).
Life sure can be unpredictable at times. I plan to try to make one good decision after another. If I fall down, I’ll just get right back up. Thats all any of us can do and life can be good again!
love, nap
Just repeat after me, ‘This man is not my friend.’
Look yourself in the mirror and repeat it again. If that doesn’t work make a list of all of the very worst things he has done to you.
I think it is just your very normal and human need for something familiar. Just remember what those old ‘familiar’ memories are and go volunteer to take in a rescue dog from a breed that you like.
These are purebred dogs that come from good homes but for some reason their owners cannot keep them anymore–very common in our difficult economic times.
You can provide a home for the dog until they are adopted. That way there is no long term commitment and it is a win/win situation. You get unconditional love, the dog gets a loving interim home and you forget about your long lost ‘friend’.
Just google your favorite dog breed ‘rescue’ and you will find all the info you want. I am considering doing it this winter as Larry is bugging me to get another dog. We always stop at the Humane Society when we go shopping as we have to pass it right by and those poor, neglected dogs just break my heart.
Last month we saw a gorgeous Weimaraner named Bella that he wanted to bring home. I am not ready for another dog as one 85# Labradoodle is enough right now, but we did inquire about her the next week and we were told that she went to a temporary home with the Weimaraner Rescue Society.
That’s how I found out how they work. It’s a great way to give and receive love.
Just come here whenever you get weak, we’ll talk you through it.
Much love, JoAnn
Hi JoAnn,
Thanks for your response. ‘This man is not my friend’! And as Marie said also I will make a list and it will be quite long with all the bad things he has done to me.When I get more settled, I love the idea about the dog rescue. I know I would get so attached I probably wouldnt be able to let them go, however, I know its what is best for the dog.
Thanks for the love and support, nap
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