Needed advise from those who have been there

Character doesn’t change as long as it gets what it wants without changing. Truthfully your husband hasn’t really done a whole helluva lot, and hasn’t been at “recovery” that long. And he’s already swearing at you because you don’t agree with him.

It is tough being alone, but not as tough as being with an emotionally and verbally abusive man who has a bad temper.
YOu miss who you thought he was. You grieve the loss of that person. But your husband is not that person. He never was. And it’s really tragic but nothing you can fix by staying married to him.

When I was first on my own, I joined a choir, said “yes” to any invitation to go to a show or out for coffee, went to the library every week (still do) to be around people, talk to all the check out clerks so I could have a conversation, invited other people for dinner or coffee, took a course, volunteered. There are lots and lots of things you can do to break the cycle of being lonely all day. You will still have lonely moments but when you change how your engage the world, the world opens up in new ways for you.

Of course he wants you back. Then he doesn’t have to deal with himself, he can yell at you instead. Deceiving and betraying is also all about having control in the relationship, and I want to raise a red flag about him showing up where you are. Please don’t be cavalier about that. Tell him to stop. If he doesn’t, call the police. When these guys are pressured and we don’t do what they want, they can become violent.

Oh, and the world isn’t cruel. It is both troubled and blessed. And it takes courage to step out into it and be real. I doubt he has that courage, but I’m sure you do. And we will be there with you, every step of the way.

warm hugs,
diane.

Yes it was Diane – your Goddess is showing dear Sister. 🙂

Robin, my first thought when I read your post was – this dude is nowhere NEAR recovery! You are doing the right thing. Trust your instincts. You can’t wish him into the man you thought/hoped he was and you sure can’t fix him. You’ve already given him three decades – that’s more than enough. I’m sorry for your pain but glad you are getting out. Keep going. A divorce isn’t like death (which is unfortunate in many cases) in that it can be undone. If he undergoes a miraculous change, you can remarry but that is a huge if. And as Diane said, don’t take that showing up wherever you are lightly. That’s called stalking and in most states it now qualifies as domestic abuse mainly because it’s a behavior that often escalates into something worse. Please be careful and call the police and/or a domestic violence hotline if it continues.

robin, diane’s post is excellent.

he might think he loves you. but i’m guessing that is no where near what you would call love.

lying, cheating, stealing, abusing. that’s not love.

i know it’s hard, don’t listen to him. he will say a lot of things, and most of them won’t be true. he is manipulating you, and saying what he needs to say to try to get what he wants.

we all deserve better than this kind of treatment. as scary as it is, it is better, IMO, to stand up and say NO, in the strongest way to this kind of treatment. and for me, that means leaving. i CANNOT stay with someone who would treat another person the way he treated me. it goes against my deepest values.

trust yourself honey. and do not talk to him about his and your feelings… in my case, that only lead to more pain for me.

My xh was like the wind. One minute he loved me so much ‘he would die for me’ then the next changing the locks on me and making me homeless. Then during the divorce leaving gifts on my doorstep now I can’t get him to return a phone call. They can make you dizzy. Being consistent is not their forte.

Yes, it’s like grabbing smoke, just when you think your close to getting it, it’s gone.

Girlzzzz, you make me proud once again. Absolutely spot on post Diane.

I am going through this process with my schizophrenic, drug addict brother. Yesterday, a thug showed up to “get” me. I have gone into hiding from my brother and his peers for life. I am struck by the parallels in regards to the way the abuse plays out. In essence if blame of others and deception doesn’t get them what want, and intimidation or abuse doesn’t either…..then violence just might so why not give it a try? Chilling.

Girlzzzz, beware. Stick around the hood for your safety.

Hi love
It sounds like you are at a place where many of us were. of course you love him. You have not changed. your love for him has not changed. He has hurt you very much and betrayed you. As you continue this path of divorce you will discover who he really is. All of his behaviour from here onwards will show you that he really never loved you. You see its all about him. You divorcing him puts him in a bad light. He would have wanted it the other way around, but you were too smart. I will be the first person to tell you its not gonna be easy. He is going to try and strip you at every angle and chance he gets. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing. We are truly here for you. And the truth is…… it does get easier. The more he exposes that bad side of him, the more you realise you have made the right choice, and You Are, believe us all, you are making the right choice.

What Liza said!
And I’m sure the life insurance would be a much better deal than I am going to get out of the divorce!