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I’m doing a little exercise for myself because I’ve hidden my feelings for so long I have no idea what I need or want. I only know how to survive. Here goes.
I need to leave my husband
I want to go to the gym
I want to clean my car
I want to go to the movies
I want to have close friends again
I need to show and be shown affection
I need not to be yelled at or ridiculed
I need to learn to say no
I need to take care of myself
I want new pillows and a new bedspread
I want someone to touch me lovingly
I want if I get sick for someone to care
I want to go back to college
I want to take a day off from work
I want to color my hair
I need to not be afraid of living an authentic life
I need to tell the truth
I need some rest without feeling guilty
I want peace.Great list LS but why stop at a bedspread and pillows? How ’bout a whole new bed from the boxsprings up. A fresh, SA free start. My suggestion, pick one thing on your list. Something fun like going to the movies or something doable like cleaning your car or coloring your hair but just one for right now. Do one thing and cross it off your list. And then feel good about yourself because it’s an accomplishment. Take it slow, you’ll get there.
{{{hugs}}}
DaisyThank you daisy. I also need to stop taking breadcrumbs from my husband and pretending it is love. I need to understand and acknowledge that I will never get what I need from him. Him not fucking other people or not yelling at me is just not good enough. I mean that’s pretty bare minimum. That should be a given and here I think of it as progress. I have to set the bar higher for myself.
Yes you do and it seems you are doing just that. Look at that list when you feel better. There are things that you can do.
I honestly believe if you got rid of the albatross you would feel much better. I haven’t seen you mention one thing that he does for you except the money.
Start thinking how you could make it without his paycheck….
Throw something in the crockpot in the morning and put a salad with it at night. Problem solved. He has to go 🙂
Sounds like the beginnings of the recover Stephanie project!
Keep wirting and maybe add pictures in a notebook, the house you want to live in, a new pair of boots, a fabric swatch. Start dreaming and planning.I divide up my wishes into immediate, short and long term goals. I need that quick fix to keep going.
I hear your heart cry. It’s time for you to take care of yourself.
Love ya,
Debora
Dear Last Straw,
You can do it. All of this is in your grasp if you only choose to believe.
I will leave my husband when I am ready.
I will go to the gym. I know that it is good for me and will make me feel better.
I will clean my car and enjoy riding in a clean vehicle.
I will to go to the movies. Movies make me happy and help me escape from the madness of my life.
I enjoy relationships with close friends. It nurtures my soul.
I show and receive affection and love.
I won’t allow anyone to yell at me or ridicule me.
I say no when I need to.
I practice self-care.
I love my bedroom, pillows, bedding, mattress, and accessories.
I am touched lovingly. It makes me warm and puts a smile on my face.
I am cared for lovingly when I am sick and in pain.
I am excited about going back to college.
I take days off from work when I need to (without guilt).
My new hair color looks FABULOUS!
I live an authentic life.
I speak truthfully and only surround myself with others who honor the truth.
I rest peacefully, without guilt, when necessary.
I feel peace, safety, hope, love, self-respect, and belief in humanity.Hugs, Bren
Stephanie I think knowing what we want is one of the hardest things for some of us. Great list. Keep at it. I think you will get there.
D.xoBren,
I love the twist you put on Stephanie’s wish list! So fun to read!!!
Last straw- I admire your list! Only DIF for me- the hair color is a need…. And ASAP for that matter!!! 🙂
AMEN to the bare minimum comment, Last Straw! Amazing how our perspective can be skewed if we don’t pay attention.
LS,
I love your list and Brens. Start doing those things and it will feel magical and good you’ll want to keep going. I had a therapist tell me once, “do you realize you have a body?”. I said yes. She said “no you don’t because your spending too much time in your head, use your body to do what you need to do and use you head but don’t live there”I hate my husband. I know hate is strong word and my mom didn’t like when I used it. But I hate him. I asked him to clean the bathroom. I said I just want to come home to a clean bathroom. Please. Just do this one thing for me. He is home today. He said no. He has to nap. I’m going to seriously flip my shit. He does work nights but he used to stay up all day chatting with women and arranging sex meetups. I begged him to clean the bathroom. He said no.
I hate him.Can you take money from his wallet while he is “napping” and pay a maid service or a high school kid to come over and scrub the toilet?? Gawd…… I’m right with you… I hate these fuckers….
My God..unless your bathroom is the size of a whole house then it does not take that damn long to clean. I taught my kids to clean as they are using the bathroom/shower. I keep the toilet brush in the container filled with lysol or whatever. Swipe the bowl after each use. I keep shower/bath cleaners in the bathroom. After your shower, clean it up. I keep lysol wipes under the sink, after you brush, clean sink and mirror. The only thing left to do is the floor and empty the trash 🙂
I hate your husband too!!!
Right? It takes 15 minutes, 20 tops to get the thing sparkling. In 10 years he has never cleaned the bathroom once. Since I’ve been feeling so dreadful, I asked if he would do it for me. He said no. I slept with another man without protection because he asked me to. He won’t clean the fucking bathroom for me. I’m starting to put things in perspective that this man does not care for me. Jesus, he doesn’t even like me. He will never care for me. He is incapable of it. I have to get away from him.
Don’t worry, I haven’t done that in a long time. I ended up in the hospital almost suicidal, but he told me it was no big deal. I was thinking way too much into it. Swingers are normal. Well not for me. That is one thing I can say no to.
Yes you do and ASAP!!! Once it finally becomes crystal clear (and it always eventually does) – its time to
Make plans and get it done!! You can not count on them for jack shit!!!When you are finally ready to leave that douche bag behind, be sure you take all the cleaning supplies. Leave nothing but a note explaining you knew he wouldn’t be needing them. God, I hate him too. Maybe a vigilante posse of sisters will show up there one day and give him a swirlie – that’ll teach him to keep the toilet clean! Bahahahahaha
Remember tooth brushes can ‘accidentally’ fall into a toilet, even a dirty one, right SL? I’ll never forget your nair story!!!
To quote Daisy “Bahahahahaha”!Great lists, and LMAO at the swirlie, I was thinking that exact same thing as I read the thread.
You sisters are the best!
Dear LS,
Your H has nothing to give. He is a selfish prick and you are right to see the outrageous parallels between what you were willing to do and what he is willing to do? Just the same…I see you making progress and if you get that job it will remove one more obstacle in your path. Of course, if you get the job that fucker will probably suddenly start throwing the crumbs big time. My hope is that you will not lick them up and see him for the “CREEP” that he is. I think you are really coming along even though you don’t think you are. The reflection is important and we can all benefit from deciding what we need and what we want? These guys spin you fast on the merry-go-round. It takes time to stop spinning, but in the end we all do….stop? HUGE HUG Karen xx
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