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we did seperate for 3 months and my depression just got worse. Its like i needed him. I love being with him, i agree best friends shouldnt treat friends that way.
I cant say i am totally innocent. BEFORE him i wasnt a good person. I was being intimate with as many different people as i could. Married or not.. I was one of those girls.
But i met him. I got married… i had kids.. I have changed. Im not one of those girls any more. Im on the other side… and if i could go back i would change it all. I never realized the pain that i could have been causing someone else.
When hes not using the internet he really is a nice guy. We play board games and video games, we take the kids to the park ect. But its like 2x a year he gets secretive, starts acting weird and i get the hunch that something is up. I am usually right. I told him that as long as he is trying to save us. I will try. One of the things i requested was counseling, whether it just him going and me going to mine or a marriage counseling. We needed it. He says he wants to change and he is trying. I can see it. im just totally scared for him when he deploys and has access to the internet. Its going to be a tough step for him.
Crystal – first of all, welcome! I’m so sorry for what you are going through but glad you finally joined here (I too wondered about whether it would be worth it to pay for this forum – boy did I get my monies worth in about 20 minutes! 😉 ). Second of all, we all have made mistakes when we were younger – when you know better, you do better. You have changed, you’ve matured, you’ve grown, your a wife & mother – do not beat yourself up for not being “totally innocent”. Your SAH on the other hand, is still don’t that type of shit & a whole lot more.
thanks ladies.. i do feel i have gotten my monies worth… i have smiled and that doesnt come easy now a days.
Oh Crystal, sweetie, they’re ALL nice guys some of the time – that’s why we all fell for them in the first place. But it’s ALL the rest of the time when they’re out fucking around on us…girl, that more than cancels out the ‘good’. You say he ‘wants to change’ and that he’s ‘trying’. To quote Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no try.” I hope you’ll hang around here and learn from your Sisters’ mistakes.
Biggest mistake we ALL make at least once? Believing a God Damn thing that comes out of their mouths.
Crystal,
If I’m reading you right, you live with depression? I do, as well. And the fact that you “found” the behavior, as opposed to getting the truth the first time around? It’s like death by a thousand duck bites – again, I know from experience. But you are not alone and you are not in the wrong. This is not karma for your youthful mistakes so don’t think you deserve this in some twisted way. You didn’t violate your vows – he did. Stay strong for your little kiddos and be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would be with your best friend in this circumstance. It sucks, but you will be okay. If I can do it, so can you!
yes i suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar and ms. lovely plate full. oh and my oldest who is 4. is deaf so a very full plate
Crystal, you have suffered enough. You do have a very full plate. I hope and pray that you focus on your own healing and let your H do his work or not.
And PLEASE do not beat yourself up for your past!! Good grief, if I had to start listing all my faults and past sins y’all would be reading War and Peace…
No one on this site is perfect or claims to be. You are safe here 🙂
Oh Crystal – that’s a lot to handle. Bev’s advice is so good. Focus on your healing. Thank goodness for the sage wisdom on this site!
i try to focus on my healing i usually sit in the local church parking lot and cry and yell and beat my steering wheel, cause if i cry at home my husband always asks whats wrong and when i tell him its a bad day he kinda just looks irratated
another night of drugging myself to sleep… didnt wake up once…. no nightmares… if only it was possible every day.
It does get better, slowly but surely.
The biggest thing is to refocus on you and your beautiful babies. Get a strong support network around you – get people around who can really step in and help.It’s really hard but try not to spend too much energy on thinking – stop looking for patterns or reasons or your part in it. There really are no answers to those questions – am sure between the gazillions of wasted hours collectively none have been found. Right now you need to start looking at options – legal, financial, housing, support – for you and your babies. It’s hard to refocus but you can do it x
Ps – enjoy the snuggly times with your littlest baby and do not let anyone tell you anything negative xxx
just found out my insurance wont pay for me to see a CSAT counselor. How do they expect us wives to be able to understand this cope when we are not allowed to see a person who can help us. Yes we can see regular physchs and what not but not a specialist that specializes in anything sexual. ( sexual addiction)
Crystal try to find a therapist that deals with trauma. I just left a CSAT for a psychologist that does individual, marital, sexual, and trauma therapy. She is amazing. I do not think you absolutely have to have a CSAT. That may be more important for the addict. You have experienced a trauma and that is most important right now I think.
i see a therapist. but not sure what she specializes in. I have an appt with her on the 7th. so i will talk to her about it…
Im just frustrated that my insurance doesnt care about how this affects the spouses.
Crystal, hang in there. I agree with Trish … the trauma therapist would be incredibly helpful. Hang in there … this is tough stuff. I salute your courage for seeking help through these sepid waters.
i knew i needed help.. i got to the point that i was done with life. I just wanted the pain to stop. I realized for my kids i had to seek help.. And now its not just for my kids its for me too.
i am so angry… i want to see the profiles… I want to see the pictures.. read the emails.. Why? Why do i feel like i need this? I ask him to show me… Cause i know they are there… But he tells me he doesnt know the passwords… i ask why i cant find him through the search… he says i dont know… Why cant he just show me… I lay in bed and cry because i need to see. I feel its the only way for me to close this time.. I think it hurts more not knowing then it did knowing what was there…
no the profiles are on facebook and fubar.. i try to search but i cant find the profiles. He says they are there. He says he doesnt remember the passwords as they were on his computer that i smashed. I know roughly what the emails will say. but i dont know why i do this… i dont understand why i feel i need to see them. Everytime i think about it i get more depressed and start crying… I dont think there is more beyond the websites and pictures maybe phone calls. i would like to believe him on this. but i cant trust him as far as i can throw him…
I just dont know why i do this…. Its everynight i sit here on the websites and search trying to find his profiles.. and every night that i come up empty handed is like another stab in the heart.
You do it because your husband gave you reason to believe he is lying. You would like to believe him. I understand that. But if all you think he has done is look at porn and put up a profile or 2 only twice a year then you wouldn’t be on this site or feeling the way you feel.
I would strongly advise you to stop worrying about those profiles and put on your game face and really find out what the hell he’s been up to. I’ll bet the farm that if you ask him to take a polygraph and swear he hasn’t been with another woman he will decline.
Mine was all over the porn and web cam/phone sex stuff and I hired a private investigator and busted him with a hooker. I bluffed about my info ( had papers/pictures in my hand) and had him confess the whole ball of wax. Trust me, where there is smoke there is fire. He is lying to you.
You need to see that stuff again because you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right. ANYTIME the words ” I don’t remember” comes out of their mouths you can bet the farm they are lying.
I’m sorry.
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