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I am sorry to post again. I at first put it under my welcome thread, but wanted to start a new topic for advice…thank you!
Where to begin??? I have caught my husband of 15 years in many many lies. He is the master liar—-makes me feel like I am crazy! Last year he was having an inappropriate emotional attachment to a mother of one of my children’s friends through texting. She was mortified when I confronted her, as on her end, it was platonic- but in my opinion, women should not have platonic relationships with married men…it was ended. Anyway, he was sorry begged forgiveness, yada yada….I agreed to stay married under conditions that things changed. Full disclosure, no lies. Also, I put something on his phone to track his emails and such….which he knew about actually. I told him a month later that I stopped watching, that he needed to make good decisions because he wants to, not because I am watching him. So, last week, intuition kicked in AGAIN. And sure enough…..found out that he has escalated things a bit. Joined an online escort service and even made an appointment—that according to him, he did not keep, and through GPS and such, he may be telling the truth. But it is just a matter of time before he gives in to whatever has a hold of him. I am just devastated and COMPLETELY trapped! I have two young children, one with special needs. I stay home. How am I to raise them alone??? I am the product of divorce due to infidelity, which has damaged me for sure. And he knows this, so he tells me I will be to blame for them being screwed up like me if I make him leave. I do not want this for my children. But I can’t live in this hell! He swears he has not engaged in sexual activity outside of our marriage. But, I don’t believe a word out of his mouth. He does this, yet tells me he loves me and is a doting/loving father. How do they live this double life? Oh yes, and lets not forget his love of pornograghy…which when I told him how it made me feel, he did not stop, just became another secret. I truly do not know what to do. I have been with my husband and only my husband since I was 15 years old (married 15 years and I am 40!). I am not strong enough to pull through this…..I am in absolute shock.
Yes, You are in shock. Now sit down some where and breathe. you are not going to die… even though it feels like it. Take some deep breaths and pour yourself some tea, or a shot of bourbon 🙂
We have all been there. Read thru the “stories” section. It helps to see how similar all the stories are. Take your time. You will see you are not alone. You do not have to fix this problem right now ( you can`t anyway). You have lived with it for 15 years, it`s not going anywhere. Make sure you are not in danger, make sure your kids are safe. That is all that is required of you right now.
Keep posting. You can say or ask anything here.
Bev
I go back and forth between sad-anger-normal. I am a fixer so I need this fixed! I know that is unrealistic. Here is something weird-and I pray I somehow am not contributing to the problem. And I do not know what this says about me. Everytime I catch him like this, things get really eerily good for a while. And we will have amazing earth shattering sex. It is almost like he gets off on getting caught. And definitely like I am a shattered woman and need to feel desirable. Let’s face it I am 40 and still carrying baby weight from 10 years ago 🙂 LOL…..I look nothing like these prostitutes and porn stars!! This is really f*&%ing me up!!!
They become prince charming when they are caught to shut us up then when we are feeling a lull of “safety” we find out they were frog jackass all along. Blaming you that if you end things will cause problems for the kids is typical manipulation. They prey on our insecurities and are fully aware we will bite to take the bait. Drop a flag on the bs everytime it comes out of his mouth and start inquiring with an atty to see what you’re looking at settlement/custody wise even if you don’t act right away. Knowledge is power!
And to answer your topic question….yes, his behavior is that of a sex addict.
I am 50. I have been married for 19 years. I have been with my H and only him for the last 24 years. I have 2 kids 12yr old son and 14 yrold daughter. They adore their dad. I am a stay at home mom and have not worked since pregnant with my daughter.
I discovered his lovely little secret on february 24 ,2012. My life was shattered. I sat in my garage and cried and threw up and posted on this site until the weather turned warm and I moved to my patio. I sat there in shock for 2 months!
I have since kicked him out (5 nights ago). I am heartbroken and scared. I did what i had to do to save myself and my kids. he is sorry, he is begging, he is swearing to get help… You name it, and he is promising it.
None of us look like the porn star!!! Just do not even go there. All the books will tell you that. It doesn`t really help but it is true.
They all get off on the game. He knows your self esteem is low and he will exploit that all he can. Do not allow this!!
Keep reading. Read some of the books… Your asshole is an SA. Educate yourself. They follow a pattern. Check out the PoSARC website. it will walk you thru the steps. There is a link on this site.
Hang in there!!
And please, never apologize for posting too much. There is no such thing. Post as much as you need to, ask as many questions in as many ways as many times as you need.
That’s what this site is all about. Helping each other.
I’m so glad you jumped right in. Some are shy about doing that, but you cannot get help or resources or just plain old support and comfort unless you reach out. Kudos to you for doing that. It’s a healthy step in the right direction.
Hugs ~ JoAnn
Amen to all the above.
Sometimes the lies and the shock and the loss of security create feelings of immobolization. But please make your priority the care and wellbeing of you and your children. See an attorney. Start your own bank account and siphon off some money in case you need some quicly. Tell a few trusted people. Find out if you have any family who can help you. See a doctor if you sense you are losing perspective and depression sets in THIS IS VERY COMMON!!!!!Just go about these tasks with business like focus. If you have to speak to him about anything, just make it clear you are making the safety and well being of you and your children your priority.
My 32 anniversary was last week. I found out in year 29. I was faithful. He was liar from the very beginning. He was NEVER faithful.
Get tested for STDs as well. These buggers just lie about everything. Don’t even imagine for a moment that yours is different. We haven’t found one yet that is.
Find a trauma based counsellor for yourself. NOT a marriage counsellor or his CSAT counsellor (if he has one).
You can’t fix this. YOu can’t fix him. ONly he can, and most of them love their freedom to do what they want with their sexuality more than anything else including their children. YOu need to understand that terrible truth.
Post all you want sister.
But I also want you to know that it is possible to get out from under this heartache and ugliness. YOur life has hope as does your children’s lives. That’s where hope comes from. From within yourself for you and your children. You can not create hope for him. Only he can do that.
Yes, I am working on my sanity….which seems to be slipping from my grasp. The worst is this brick on my chest. I have an appt for my OB/GYN next week. I will def figure something out for the money. He is so irritating and manipulative. He knows I have no one but him. He says “I will never give up” “I will do whatever it take”….and then in the next breath, “you know Laurie, I can only take so much of you beating me down, you need to give it a break?” WTF???? I JUST found out that he hired a prostitute and I need to take it easy on him???????
I’d like to note that most men NEVER stop. But the one’s who do get extensive help. Doing it alone never works.
I don’t know your H but I’d bet that this IS going to escalate and he IS going to follow through with physical activities outside the marriage,
I spent 2 freakin’ months on my patio taking it easy on him. The minute I opened my mouth about my true concerns , he bitched at me about my tone of voice. That got him a one way ticket out of my house.
Normal people do not tolerate their husbands fucking whores.
I don`t know what solar system these jerks reside in but it is not of this earth.My point is that you are sane… He is the nut.
I’d like to note that most men NEVER stop. But the one’s who do get extensive help. Doing it alone never works.
I don’t know your H but I’d bet that this IS going to escalate and he IS going to follow through with physical activities outside the marriage,
I’d like to say ditto
Most importantly u are not crazy he is
Anyone who has gone on an escort site and makes an appt has done other things. It does not begin w the escort service
If he wants your marriage to survive, he will get help. I second third and fourth he won’t do it on his own
Please find a therapist for you who specializes in treating PTSD in relation to sex addiction
Please please please try and go easy in you
You will vascilate between believing the best And the worst of him
Going from this can work, this can’t work to this will never work and then back again
You are in shock, like you just got hit by a bus and there are plenty of people around you, and yet no one comes to help
Please post and ask and cry and scream and be gentle gentle gentle on u
All of the pos thoughts and prayers I can muster are coming your wayBev, he did. But CLAIMS, that he cancelled before the scheduled appt. It was an online escort service. I got to see all of the ugly details….including which girls he chose. I literally threw up because they were all in their 20’s, skinny, with big perky boobs. I cannot get the image out of my head. I know he is lying. But I so badly want to believe him.
Jonsmom,
There is lots of talk here about gut feelings and intuition. Do not ignore them. Twice I laid in bed and my gut kept saying get up and check in the bathroom until I finally did. Each time I found an eyeful of porn stashes. One was DVDs. The second find was erotic books. Listen to your gut.If his lips are moving, he’s probably lying. Of course he’s going to say he hasn’t had sex outside the marriage if you found escort searches on his phone or email. It’s all about proof. If you ain’t got it, you got nothing in their sick minds.
My final gut feeling was to put a gps tracker on his car. Five months later I caught him at an adult bookstore. He now lives with his parents. Do what you need to get the proof you need. Until you do, the ‘you’re crazy’ card is all they have to play.
I have the proof. I have the email interactions. He said the only way to heal was to destroy them and asked me to give them to him…….does he think I am fucking crazy???? Yet, even with the proof….he still messes with my head just enough to make me think he is telling the truth. He says “I didn’t do anything because I realized it was wrong and cancelled”. He gets angry when I say, but there is guilt in intent. What an asshole. But, I am stupid. He has all the money….I homeschool…..what the hell am I going to do????
I am so sorry! I am crying with you. Of course if he is that proficient at the whole thing he has already done it. And, does it really matter? He has shown his true colors.
Now, show him yours. 🙂
I have to go take my son to PT.. Knee injury… Thanks jerk ( my H usually does this).
Keep posting… Just vomit the whole ugly mess up. We will hurt right along with you.Please just do not believe his lies.
Ah yes the angry outrage….I remember it well. Mine did the same indignant, how dare you not believe me tone when I made finds. It’s all part of their m.o. Destroy the emails to move on??? What a crock of shit!! That means lets destroy the evidence. It has nothing to do with moving on and you healing trust me. Hope you made copies. Keep them outside the house somewhere. What a scam! I hear your heart and head talking as you post. We have all been there. I still am myself. Try to keep listening to your head, it realizes what your heart keeps you from wanting to believe.
Ah yes the angry outrage….I remember it well. Mine did the same indignant, how dare you not believe tone when I made finds. It’s all part of their mo. Destroy the emails to move on??? What a crock of shit!! That means lets destroy the evidence. It has nothing to do with moving on and you healing trust me. Hope you made copies. Keep them outside the house somewhere. What a scam! I hear your heart and head talking as you post. We have all been there. I still am myself. Try to keep listening to your head, it realizes what your heart keeps you from wanting to believe.
We’ve posted quite a bit on the incremental nature of disclosures. Mine was doled out over 8 months and went along the lines of: We just parked in the car and made out during lunch…Ok, well, I went to her apartment once, but I couldn’t get it up….Yes, we fucked. Only once, and I used a condom…I fucked her regularly for 7 years, without protection…We never spent the night together…Well, I did take her on one business trip to Boca Raton…but while I did have constant cybersex and phone sex with anonymous strangers, she was the only live person…To tell the truth, I met one guy on Craigslist for a blowjob…If you must know, it was actually twice, two different guys…
jonsmom,
He may make all the money but it is not HIS money, it is your household income. You and your children are his dependents. I’m sure he wants you to feel like you have no options but the courts will award you child support, perhaps spousal support and half or better of your marital assets.
My H used to tell me all the time that if someone wants to leave the marraige they can go but should leave without the kids or anything else. This was also mental and emotional abuse. He would abuse me then tell me I don’t have any options. Funny thing is, I believed that. I was also a SAHM and homeschooled for many years. He did not permit me, by rage and punishment, to work or go to school. I felt trapped too. But I have learned that I will not be destitute if I divorce. he kept all the money matters from me so I wouldn’t know our value. when I started asking to see the bills and the accounts, he was furious and said, “You just want to know what our worth is.” He knew what he was doing keeping me in the dark and threatening me with poverty.
Look at the bills and your bank statements. Make copies of these and his check stubs. Find out the value of your house and how much equity you have in it. Make a list of all your personal property and assign it a value. You might be worth more than you think.
There are also services for women and children and especially with special needs. You prbably know more about that than I do. Use your resources.
love, Debora
Hi Jonsmom,
I’m so sorry that you have joined our club. You must be in shock. I was also in denial for many months because it was too much to handle (plus our marriage counselor was an idiot).
The first thing to do in all of this is realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Do NOT let him tell you anything. You will likely get it in a dribbled/staggered fashion and it will worsen your PTSD (that has just started for you). Protect yourself FIRST. (just like the oxygen mask on the plane).
Get physical distance from him if you can (this is important). He will try to cajole you – lie – make you feel crazy – blame it on you, etc. You are in shock and it might work – and you might fall for it because you so desperately want this to work.
Next – tell him that he needs to get a diagnosis and treatment plan from a trained CSAT and/or psychiatrist trained in this area. This is important. There are many idiots out there that don’t know what it is – or how to deal with it. Ask him for a treatment plan – and later, a formal disclosure with polygraph.
Do this to protect yourself! I’m still struggling with PTSD from not having done these steps so please learn from my mistake.
You have taken a big blow to the head (bigger than you think) so just pretend that your husband just got a terminal cancer diagnosis – reach out for help from your friends (you can just tell him that he is an “addict” – they don’t need to know what kind unless they are really good friends).
We are here for you. If you need to talk – ask any of us for our numbers. We have been through it.
I have 4 kids (11 year old triplets and a 13 year old) including one with ADD and the other one with depression and I know how devastating this can be along with holding down the fort.
We are here for you….
Deb in CA
Oh Lord. You guys are scaring me. I don’t want this to be real. It is easier for me to believe him because it hurts too bad. I literally feel like there is no oxygen left. I don’t want the father of my children to be this monster. I want so desperately to believe his lies which make me an idiot. Yes, he is cajoling me with his presence. I am softening to him as each day passes…..my typical amo-sweep it under the rug, it didnt happen. But I am scared to be alone and too weak. I have no one to help me, and he knows this. But why does he still so desperately want to be married to me??? I am painting a bad picture of him. It is like he has two personalities. He is the epitime of a southern gentleman….charm, looks, money, good family, etc….why is he doing this to us????? I want my life back!!!!
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