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So – my SAH is working with a great sponsor and he is doing his “circles” (inner – bad shit, middle – slippery slope, and outer – what to do to take care of yourself).
Anyway – he flew in to CA yesterday (to help pack up our CA house) and he said that his sponsor said that he should disclose something. He said that he sometimes masturbates twice in a row. I just looked at him and nearly laughed. Geeezzzz….. He went on to say that he has mastrubated at work in the past (in the bathroom) and that he realizes that he sometimes does it twice in a row – and that’s now in his inner circle.
He also said that he used to cruise escort/CL ads for hours at a time finding “just the right one”. And that he used to look at porn on the TV on business trips (the first several minutes that were free so it didn’t show up on his bill).
I think I’m recovering because I really don’t care. A year ago I would be lapping all this stuff up. It bores me now.
Deb
Sounds like he was expecting applause for being such a stud. WHY does he need to tell you this crap except for some sort of creepy satisfaction of his own? Put your hand up and give him the STOP sign, Deb. Tell him you don’t want to know. That is absolutely disgusting. Keep it all in the circles where it belongs. You don’t need to know, he just needs to stop doing it. I kind of see why you keep coming back to these child-like analogies, Deb. Yours is like a little boy running to his Mommy for a gold star on his chart. Yuck. Grow up or get out. You need a man as your partner, not another child to raise.
these SAs seem to really love the details. they think they matter. they don’t see the big picture, always caught up in ‘how much can i do’ ‘i only’ ‘everyone else’ ‘its not as bad as’ ‘inner circle’ ‘middle circle’
who fucking cares? i guess they need this, but it just baffles me when i think about it. it seems so simple to me. Just. stop. fucking. lying. just be honest.
that one simple thing. be honest. how would any of this be possible if they didn’t keep secrets.
instead of 12 steps there should be one.
1. i will no longer keep secrets and lie
end of fucking story.
i don’t give a shit about the details with DW anymore. just don’t. and it seems deb, that you are on your way with this too. i’m glad you’ve started to think this way. now take it further – let him keep those stoooopid details to himself.
i know what matters – DW still lies to me. end of story.
Well, Deb, I know things are complicated for you because of your codependent struggle within yourself.
But I’m just wondering here…I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe you had changed the energy around yourself enough that he’s noticed. And so he had to try and reel you back into your codependent role.
And if that’s true, that means you have detached enough for him to worry about you not caring, so he’s trying to make you care.
And I know you care about many many things. But wow, not to be turning yourself inside out here is a great step forward.
I like Daisy’s idea of the raised arm stop sign. I like it because it doesn’t get you into verbal argument thing, and I like that it’s physical. It’s like your own body saying no.
Anyway I hope things finish up well in CA.
warm hug sister,
D.I’m glad you don’t care Deb. What’s a little double wank when his preference is screwing his mother?? 😉
I was struck by this thought “How many married couples have these kinds of conversations?” Is like living in a freaking alternative reality. My funny bone is up and running today and Lisa….your post set me off again. I never got the whole inner outer circle thing but I’m pretty sure the cosas have circles two. Now how f–king confusing would that be?? They are not allowed to snoop. I guess taking your husband’s laptop to a forensic computer specialist or hiring a PI must be a big inner circle no no. 🙂 LMAO I have the giggles today. I love you girls. I love every single one of you.
If your h is “allowed” to masturbate at all in his recovery, I gather he’s in SLAA rather than SAA. In SLAA, the addicts get to choose their own definition of recovery. SAA doesn’t allow sex of any kind with anyone–including self–other than one’s wife or committed partner. The whole POINT is that sex should be an expression of intimacy, since the whole PROBLEM has been objectification. I wouldn’t even consider staying with an SA who subscribed to SLAA’s philosophy.
honestly,
it’s like they want a chart made and we are supposed to a gold star on the days the don’t fucker hookers, a silver star on the day the don’t troll fuck buddy sites, a bronze start on the days they don’t post profiles themselves, a blue star on the days they don’t jerk off in parking lots, a red star on the days they don’t watch porn online, a green star on the days they don’t jerk off in the bathroom while squeezing their nipples (that last ones for you Nappie-noo-noo) etc.Everyone is on a roll today…you all are making me smile.
Deb, I agree with Karen…who talks about this stuff?
Who needs stupid circles to know how to behave? My kids can figure it out…have been able to since forever. But a grown man can’t?
My STBX would only go to SLAA. He liked to think of himself more as a “love” addict. He just didn’t get enough love from his life. Yeah, like orgies with people you met on-line is all about love.
They do whatever they think they need to do for whatever group they want to join. Just leave me clear the heck out of it.
I know the answer to the Carnes question, because my husband read it sometime after d-day and “Carnes says masturbation is okay if I think it’s okay”.
Um, I wouldn’t be surprised by anything that dicksprout wrote, but I wouldn’t trust your h’s word on that, either.
dicksprout?? Now thats a new one. LOL I would LOVE to hear you talking to your H March. I could probably pick up some real zingers to use on mine. LOL
I cann’t stop laughing today…must be some kind of delayed traumatic reaction. I swear to God there is a book of comedic proportions contained within the posts on this forum. If we could collect them and publish them we could make some very sombre women laugh out loud. The title could be “The Lighter Side of Sexual Addictions” OR “How to Cope if You Find Yourself Married to a Dicksprout.”
I didn’t trust his word, but I researched it after he told me and it’s true, if an SA goes to a Carnes workshop and chooses to keep masturbation off the list of absolutely will not do, which they call inner circle, that is a valid choice. It’s not valid for me, I think crazy is saying that a guy with a porn and masturbation problem, that has ruined the life of his spouse and family can continue to include masturbation if he wants to. My husband was using it as a point of authority to convince me that it was okay, especially since I wasn’t having sex with him. I managed to escape that particular gaslighting, said it might be a valid choice for him, but wasn’t for me and I didn’t care what Carnes said. I didn’t even know who Carnes was then.
No kidding. Carnes is a nutjob. He is the idiot that believes it is an addiction so why the Hell doesn’t he go tell AA that the odd beer is ok? Its like sex addiction has all kinds of loopholes built in for the f–kers to wriggle out of. None of it makes any sense. They can masturbate but they cann’t fuck around. Though secrets are the hallmark of addiction they can keep all of theirs and even create new ones. Its all so messed up, no wonder none of them ever get fixed
Karen, If we can’t get the book deal worked out, I would definitely read a blog entitled “…Married to a Dicksprout” Great new term, March. I use “dickweed” a lot too.
I have to say, I have never seen my H masturbate and never had a discussion with him about it and I never, ever want to. Some things are just off limits to me. Now if he was walking around humping random objects to “get relief”, well, that’s a different story. But short of that I have a strict don’t ask, don’t tell policy.
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