- This topic has 50 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
i’m partial to dickwad myself. although dicksrpout is awesome, it makes you think of something small, that hasn’t matured yet, smells like dirt and could easily be eaten by a bird.
Karen, at first I really did feel like I was cutting off my arm. And then that got better, he’s been out of the house 2 1/2 weeks now and it took until a few days ago to have this kind of blanket of anxiety or fear or something start to lessen a little bit, like I could breathe again. I saw my therapist yesterday and she asked what specifically I was afraid of, what was causing my anxiety and why I thought it was better. And I thought about it and we talked about the obvious, financial fears, he’s always controlled with money, and he hasn’t tightened the budget since he’s been gone, but part of me expects him to at any time, our daughter and everything this brings into her life, were the fears right on the surface, but as she and I talked, it just became so clear to me that what I’ve been most afraid of is him and I’m afraid of going back to who I am when i’m with him, for 2 1/2 weeks, I’m not wrong every time I say something, when I cook dinner it’s fine, there’s no one around to give me subtle put downs and veiled barbs, there’s no one around to ignore me or embarrass me in public, and when I do all of the housework and yard work and childcare, at least I know it’s because I’m the only adult here, he didn’t help with anything. I think that’s why I had such a visceral reaction to LS’s post about her husband when I wanted to go and beat him up. I don’t want to talk to him and right now, I don’t want him to come back ever or try to work on anything with him. I’m just sitting with it right now, trying to take in how bad everything had gotten, without me even realizing what was happening. My therapist says I don’t have to make any definite choices, that if I have a time frame it’s arbitrary and it’s mine. I’m embarrassed to say I’m not used to making my own choices in my own time frame, so that causes some anxiety, too. I like myself better without him. I’m finding a sense of humor, I’m interested in the world around me. Who knew? One thing I have decided is that if he threatens to tighten the financial screws, I will file for divorce if he does.I talked to my therapist about it, and that’s my line in the sand. it’s scary, he’s a broker and knows where the money is, but I’m more scared of being controlled again. Being able to call him a toad was a pretty big step for me.Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.
Courtney, I just hate it that you were treated like that. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I’m so glad you are getting better. You are doing great. I’m with you every step of the way.
Love & Hugs,
DaisyDear Courtney,
He just sounds horrible and is so often the case the cheating is only part of a much bigger picture of abuse. I cannot begin to tell you how much I respect you. I know you are afraid but the life you describe is no life at all. You do not need to be his punching bag and I believe as time goes by, your feeling that you are done being treated like dirt will grow. BIG HUG Karen xx
I just crawled into bed after a heavy day (last day push) of packing and I laughed out loud with this thread….especially with the star chart. OMG! You sisters are tooo funny.
I really have no earthly idea why my SAH’s sponsor suggested he tell me the “twice in a row” tidbit but it made me want to laugh out loud. Oh dear god. Why in the world would I care? Once, twice – whatever. I think he’s in SAA in SC – and before that he was in SLAA in CA. Just like Teri’s SAH, he liked to think he was more of a “love addict”. Also makes me chuckle. I don’t have any earthly idea what granny hookers have to do about love. (except he did tell a hooker that he loved them). Sick, sick, sick. I’m sure she ran for the hills.
I think the circles are crazy for us partners to do. I have done them – and really all I needed to learn was to detach. I read Meloddy Beattie and did a shame workshop – and that about did it for me. Diane – I agree….I think he can sense how detached I am. I have even surprised myself. When he talks about his recovery stuff I feign interest. 6 months ago I would be lapping up every detail.
I’m also getting much better at boundary setting. March – re: the female minister that was clingy with him and then we stayed at her house. I realize now that I let that happen. I didn’t say that it made me uncomfortable I was not taking care of myself and minimizing his stuff. Never again.
Deb
SLAA and SAA = circles
SA = no sex with self or anyone but spouseMasturbation is all about fantasizing which is what makes it a CLEAR no. Especially with compulsive mb-er’s, obviously. It baffles me how some “addiction” therapists can’t see this. Insane.
Larry went to all of them. His counselor used the green light, yellow light and red light analogy.
Third grade talk for third grade mentalities.
Stupid shit. They just need to grow up. ~ JoAnn
” I like myself better without him.”
I found that, too, Courtney. I feel like an entirely different person at times. With him, I was usually stressed and on edge. I had this person around who was causing problems and not contributing. Who would screw things up at the drop of the hat. Who at any moment would start making accusations about the way I was treating him. I am so much more relaxed with him gone. And I didn’t even realize how much having him around affected me.
The few times I see him now, it totally comes back. He is toxic.
I think that’s one thing having them gone is good for- you can get some clarity on the toll they are taking on you because you have something to compare it to.
Deb, I am throwing the sisterhood “bullshit” flag. I’m sorry, but I do not believe any sponsor or CSAT would encourage your H to “disclose” he was masturbating twice in a row and at work when this behavior happened in the past ( supposedly) and you have never had a ‘formal disclosure”. Everything I have read clearly states that disclosures happen in the therapists office with support for both people involved.
I would love to know exactly who encouraged him to fly to CA while doing something as stressful as packing up a house and spout off about his masturbating habits…..
Deb, I applaud your detachment and give you tons of extra credit for living with a recovering SA while he’s recovering. In your opinion, is masturbation consistent with SA recovery? There seem to be a lot of different opinions about this on this thread, for me it would be the same thing as saying, I looked at porn or I am sexting a woman, and his sponsor presumably didn’t think it was consistent with recovery either, since he suggested your husband talk to you about it? Or at least he’s worried about it? Am I reading that right? I am curious about this process of setting boundaries, it sounds like it different for all of us. If your husband did (fill in the blank) that would let you know he wasn’t in recovery and you would do ( fill in the blank). That would probably be a good question to ask everyone on here, because there would probably be a lot of different answers. Your post got me thinking. I don’t have any boundaries yet, except maybe the divorce if he tightens the finances might be one, or that’s as close as I’ve come so far.
Daisy and Karen and Teri, thanks for your comments, I am sifting through more every day.Courtney, you have a huge boundary – he’s out of the house. Bravo! I agree about masturbation off limits. However, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. What are they supposed to do?
Would it be so bad if they did Lisa? “Oh, your poor dear, your husband passed away from the explosion resulting from suppressed ejaculation? Here’s a sympathy card and a casserole.” Whooopeeee!
houston we have the solution! new recovery program! they cannot ejaculate and must stay away from open flames. after the explosion ladies, you are on your own!
In response to Penny’s question about what are they supposed to do?
How about not think about sex all the time? Learn to think about other things that are important in life and put their time and energy into that? Learn how to control their thoughts and their behaviors. Learn what is wrong with their lives and their brains that got them in this sorry spot in the first place. They have plenty to do besides masturbating.
Daisy, you are too funny. But the visual is disgusting! 🙂
Penny, this is why I need you guys! I didnt think of him being out of the house as a boundary because he left, but since you mention it, I have kept him out of the house, and I can see where that would be a boundary. I’ll take it:)
It is a massive boundary as well as not speaking to him either? Knowing that you are NOT going to take anymore of his shit. Thats the biggest one of all. Boundaries are all the things you are doing to try to keep yourself safe.
Penny why don’t they do what all the flipping women on this site did when they were left sexually rejected by these morons? Is bad enough them thinking they cannot survive without it, without us thinking they cannot survive without it? They don’t deserve any sex. Period. Let them suffer it out because they ALL could have been f–king their wives if they were not such colossal jackasses. Of course, you know I hate them 😉
The empowerment on this site is amazing. I too like myself better since getting rid of him…but the part about having a new sense of personal value after all that time is a challenge. And the terror of getting tested is tempering my relief at freeing myself from this shit. Boy am I glad I found such a bunch of awesome women.
- The forum ‘Personal Growth’ is closed to new topics and replies.