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Hi all. I am new here – this is my first time posting. I actually joined a few months ago but never got on the website really until the past week or so (due to not being computer saavy plus not wanting to face the issue, I suppose).
I feel like my story is not as tragic as many I have read here. I was only with my SA ex for 3 years – we were engaged briefly. I ended our engagement when I found out about his sexual “issues” but stayed in the relationship for several more months to try and work things out. As far as I know, he never had actual physical contact with another person, although he did visit Craiglist “casual encounter” sites and had lots of online chat masturbation sessions, not to mention a huge and disturbing (in content) porn collection. During those months, he swore he had stopped and denied that he was doing anything objectionable (I never asked him to give up porn completely but laid out what was unacceptable to me). Of course, he was lying. I’m a little ashamed that I resorted to spying on his computer usage to see what he was up to, but then on the other hand, thank God I did or else I never would have known the truth.
So, about 6 weeks ago, after he lied and I caught him (again), I ended our relationship completely. Thankfully, we did not live together, so the separation was pretty easy, at least in practical aspects.
I was doing fine until yesterday when he sent me the following text:
(for clarification, “P” is my eight year old daughter. I am divorced from her dad.)“I had the most intense dream about you last night. I still love you. I am sorry for the things that I have done, but I also don’t think everything was my fault. I think you and I both require therapy and medication. I still want to be with you and P. I am devoted to you both. I always have been. Why can’t you see that? I love P. and will protect her with my dying breath. It may be reaction-formation, but that only makes it stronger. Who else could make you that promise? “
Reading this makes me furious – I can’t believe he had the nerve to send that! As if him still loving me is enough for me to forgive him and give him another chance. I can’t believe he would say “not everything was his fault” and that we both need therapy and medication. Especially because he knows that I am already seeing a therapist (I started seeing one after discovering his SA) and taking antidepressants (I have never needed antidepressants before, but started taking them during our relationship – funny, huh?). And his whole “who else could make you that promise?” just infuriates me. The thing is, his saying stuff like this would have worked on me a few months ago – I would have taken as a sign that he was sincere about changing, but now I know better.
I admit that I have issues with depression and co-dependency (my ex-husband was an alcoholic) but my ex-SA continually tried to make me feel like I was the crazy one. He once told me he thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder (and since he has an undergrad degree in Psychology, he is clearly qualified to diagnose {sarcasm}) The thing is, our relationship was so “crazy-making” (even before discovery), that at times I wonder if he is right.
You have every right to be pissed and you are not crazy. Trust me he did have contact with other people most likely. They never fess up!
You did the right thing. I am in over 20 years and didn’t find out until year 18. Move on and feel blessed. You will find a deserving and good man. The fact that you have some depression after dealing with this and another SA is no big deal. Get yourself help, but you are normal. Most people become depressed after dealing with these addicts.No contact is perfect. Keep him away from your girl too. Move on.
You are so smart to cut and run now. Don’t waste time in counseling waiting for him to “recover”.
What an ass to say all that he did, but especially, “who else can make you that promise?”. I’ll tell you who else, a nice man who doesn’t need to masturbate in an online chat session and keep disturbing porn on his computer. Somewhere out there, over the rainbow, those men do exist. But they don’t exist in the sa world, so get out while you can.
BTW, sorry that you’re dealing with all of this. I hope that a clean break up will allow you to heal more quickly than most of us 🙂
What a load of rubbish and very low dragging your daughter into it. It’s all very much right out of their playbook- especially the part about you BOTH needing therapy and medication ( hey, you’ve got to take YOUR part, right?). And the bit about the Borderline Personality (mine did that, too). You have every right to be furious.
I’m glad you came here to vent- don’t waste your breath on him.
Classic. Tragic. Flathead shovel time. GIRLLZZZZ, GATHER THEM UP!
Somehow they must truly believe that monogamy is not what women need, deserve or can ever hope to get, soooooo, just accept it and him. And all his good points. Rubbish. Puke. Typical.
Don’t fall for one word. Give him NO response. Get on with your life by permanently getting out of the SA SWAMP.
KEEP POSTING. A million thoughts will be,going through your head for a long, long time. Vent those thoughts here to get them out of your soul.
Also, please don’t label yourself. As a codependent or a borderline or anything else. . Even if it does exist as a dynamic, the term has been so hijacked by pop psychology, self help books, recovery gurus and therapists to mean anything they want it to mean, so long as it blames you, that it has no meaning and actually causes harm. . Oops long sentence, I can’t write anymore.
It hurts me to see women beating themselves up . It is not innate, not who we are. I always say I don’t believe in labels, they belong on cans. Sisters here can help guide you to seeing the very real trauma that you are experiencing.
And yes, “crazy making even before discovery” says it all. Since he’s been at it for the duration, nobody now gets to label you in any way.
I am so sorry you are going thru this.
“I admit that I have issues with depression and co-dependency (my ex-husband was an alcoholic)” SO????? What on earth does that have to do with anything?? And it isn’t true. You are actually savvy and very strong because you got yourself away from him and that is a BIG TASK not for the faint of heart. He is full of shit. that ind of love you and your daughter do not need. Block his number and don’t give him another thought. See your therapist and heal yourself then get back out there and find a normal guy who can love you right. Atta girl. You got this.
Hugs Karen
Jennyr, I’m glad you found the courage to start putting words to your experience. Finding our voice is a crucial piece of our recovery. I’m also glad you were able to get away before you had wasted any more years of your precious life. How I wish I had known what I was married to.
Give yourself a pat on the back for stepping back from the swamp and not taking your daughter into it. Well done, sister.
Now let’s start working on loving yourself, honouring your life, and teaching your daughter what she needs to know about those things.
Proud to be a cheerleader on your path to wholeness.
Diane.Welcome Jennyr, hope we can be of help to you while you are sorting through your sah mess.
“Who else could make you that promise? wth? If he cared so much about your daughter he wouldn’t be treating her mother like complete garbage, lying to her, disrespecting her, bringing filth into her home and in all likelihood physically being unfaithfull to her.
Sorry Jennyr, but if I were you, I would go get a full screening for all std’s. These guys, when they are that heavily into webcam and chat masterbation and dating sites, you can be almost certain they have progressed to hooking up with live people no matter what they tell you cause you know they lie like the day is long.
His text message was pure manipulation. It’s the only way they know how to relate to people, manipulate them.
Jenny, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. Until I found this site, I didn’t understand that personality disorders are generally what’s underneath this ‘sex addiction.’ Specifically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Thanks to the sisters here, I started reading up on that, rather than the frenzied reading I’d been doing about sex addiction, and a lot of things started to make more sense to me. If you feel like it, I’d suggest that you read about that, because this whole thing is so crazy-making. I don’t mean to read it to understand *him* better, but to hopefully give you a sense of relief that it was never you, and that you aren’t crazy, and to give you some armor against letting him affect you at all. Big hugs. xoxo
p.s. NAP, when I logged on just now, the first thing I saw was in the chat box, ‘No pubes in 2014!’ Thanks for the laugh.. Ya gotta love this place. 🙂 xoxo
“will protect her with my dying breath. It may be reaction-formation, but that only makes it stronger. Who else could make you that promise? “
Uh, Jesus has that covered, dude. Then, there’s a whole national military, and the police, and the firefighters.
And the rest, pop psychology and manipulation 101:
right there in that short email: rationalization, minimization, blameshifting, devaluation, triangulation, gaslighting, and probably more. All those sensational statements and dying breathes and such, oh please spare us.Is it just me, or does he actually sound like he’s doing you a favor by loving you? You know, since you’re both in need of therapy and medication. (WTF? So the hell what, dude? Want to know the percentage of women who get through this disaster without medications? Getting medical care is a reason to settle for a douchebag? Uh, no. ) Eight of the eleven sentences begin with “I”. The last actually has him as the subject by reference, which means there are two sentences regarding someone else, and he’s talking about your shortcomings: What’s wrong with YOU, anyway, can’t you see what I want?!?!!?! It screams narcissist.
I’d bet 100 bucks he just lost the interest of some woman he had the hots for, and he is in need of narc supply. Whatever you respond with, that’ll be good enough to get him through till the next woman. Don’t respond. Don’t feed the animals.
And may I say congratulations on making it out of this guy’s clutches!! He’s bad, bad news.
Oh, and I don’t know WHERE the words “I’m devoted to you” and all “devoted to our family” and such are in that SA playbook, but I nearly puke when I read that. I can copy paste where SJ said that at least six dozen times, all while he was cheating, and all through his fake “recovery”. What they consider devotion, I have no idea. It’s not anything that fits my definition. What a creepo statement. It’s just smarmy.
Don’t take the bait. Delete the text. Block his cell #. Change your number. Cut your losses and IGNORE him. He will drain you of your energy in any form — don’t let him. If you ignore him he will go away and look for another victim (and never change) if you respond….you’re on the SA line and he’ll just keep dragging you thru the manipulation mud.
OP here.
Thank you all for your replies and your support! There were so many great responses that I won’t be able to comment on them all individually, but I do want to say that you are all RIGHT ON!I’ve been reading through this site and it amazes me (and saddens me) that all of our SA’s share such similar traits, lines and modus operandi. I’ve read some other women’s stories and I think, OMG, my ex said/did the exact same thing.
The thing about Personality Disorders is that I never knew that there was a link between “sex addiction” and narcissism, either – until I came to this site. But, even before I discovered my ex’s secret sexual behavior, I was already suspecting him of narcissism. He was SO critical of everyone. Always saying “everyone is completely incompetent” and that HE could do SO much better. He actually said “I’m the smartest person in the room” and was not joking. It got to the point where, when he called on the phone, I would think to myself: “OK, who is he going to complain about today?”.
He admitted to me that he “was entitled” and clearly felt that the rules did not apply to him.
I could go on, but you get the point. And the whole part with the blame-shifting and gas-lighting…..again, I didn’t realize that was part of the whole SA thing until I came here. In hindsight, I can see how he tried to shift the blame (for his unhappiness, for our relationship problems, for a bad night out, whatever) on me.I’m so glad I found this resource. I haven’t told any of my friends about the real reason why we broke up…so it’s such a relief to have the women here for support.
Thanks again, everyone!
JennyPersonally whether you experienced 3 years or like me 29 years of being with a SA it’s awful!!! Run run run and never look back!!! I would kill to be able to be financially self sufficient. But I gave 29 years to a Con Artist and spent my life being Mom to 6 and wife . I’m not sure where my life is headed but I know if I was lucky enough to have Ass wipe SA out of the house I would be dancing naked on the table celebrating!!!
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