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HI sisters,
Some of you know I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now. In the last week I have told my two sons (and their girlfriends) that this is happening. I am determined not to model the secret life within family life. In telling them I chose simple information about him, based on the way I know my two sons think. They are 21 and 24. I told the youngest first, because I realized I often counted on the older one to look after the younger one, and I didn’t think that was right, in this case.So the youngest was quietly respectful. He listened to my explain how we met, his family background, what he did for a living. My son’s girlfriend was very encouraging.
The I took the eldest out and told him. His first reaction was to say he understood and that I was not only mommy, but also Diane. But he was worried about his dad. So I told him that I would tell his dad so that the two sons would not have to keep a secret or be the ones to tell.
So the next day I emailed my SA, who is on sabbatical in another province, and told him in very simple terms, and asked to please resist the temptation to play the victim with our sons, but to tell them this was the result of his actions and his choices. I acknowledged that he might be hurt but invited him to remember that no matter what, he still had the gift of knowing that for thirty years he was everything to me, while after the same thirty years, I had nothing. So he was still ahead, at the end of day.
I do not know how things will unfold for me with this new man, but I feel good about being honest with my sons, honest with my SA, and also being clear about my expectations with the SA in how he handles this turn of events.
Time will tell. But I thought I would share because at some point someone here might also begin a new relationship with a man and wonder about what to do.
Love to all,
Diane.Well done Diane. I love the way you purposely made choices NOT to do the triangulation thing. I also love fact that you told your youngest son first, seeing your previous thoughts of him being taken care of my the elder son was not healthy. To be open to change is humble and life-giving to others. In addition, your truthfulness about the history of your relationship with your SA was so crucial to remind him of. He the victim…unbelievable that anyone would EVER think this, but justice doesn’t always come in this earthly life…Lastly, I love your statement, “I am determined not to model the secret life within family life.” The double-life our h’s lived doesn’t have to be continued. Enough of that dysfunctional model! Bye, bye secrets! Again, well done sister Diane!!! I am proud of you! I am sure some other sisters will benefit, in the future, from your comments.
Love, B. TrayedThank you for sharing that, Diane. I want to ask you something that has been on my mind… How do you suppose you will feel when your SA finds a new relationship? Relieved? Bittersweet? Sad?
Diane,
Kudos to you for a job well done. I’m happy that it went so well and I’m even happier that you’ve found someone to make you happy enough to want to share it with your children.
Much love,
SSHi Diane,
So very happy for you and your new relationship. I wish you all the best. You are very smart to tell everyone up front and I’m sure they will see that too. Nothing worse than hearing news second hand and when you hear it that way it never sounds the same as if you had said it yourself. Congrats! You have wonderful, very mature children. You should be proud, as I’m sure you are!
Much love,
ClaireAs always, the goddess Diane has handled a difficult task with grace and elegance.
Thank you so much for sharing and thank you for being you.
Love.
Dear Diane,
Beautifully put by a beautiful lady. I wish you ALL that you so deserve and then some. I believe your sons will be just fine because you are their mother. Karen xx
Diane,
I am so happy to hear that things are going well for you! I really have a good feeling about this relationship!! I think you did well earlier, (a few weeks ago, I think) when you told the boys that sooner or later you would start to date again. As I recall, I thought your announcement at that time was met with silence?
Perhaps bringing it up and giving them a little time to chew on it helped to make the reality of it a little easier on them?
I wish you the best of luck and I am curious about your answer to Lylo’s question, and also what the other sisters have to say as well. I think I will just start it in a new post!!
Lots of love and definitely living vicariously thru YOU!!! 🙂
Thanks for all the support. It has been a little nerve-wracking. Just by way of an update—I texted my sons late yesterday to let them know I had told their dad. My youngest—the one I worried most about, texted back that he thought it was fine that I told dad, and that he was glad I was doing what I wanted and enjoying myself. It meant the world to me. Could it be I will make it through this?!
We lurch from one FGO (fucking growth opportunity) to another–dogged by disasters and grace both!
D.xo
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