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Just had time for a hard skim. Will drop back in later. I’d be willing to help JoAnn with the BOS site…all 5 members. 😉 How many female SA’s are there?? 🙂 NAP – my mind went to dating site too, if only we had a healing formula to apply…when would it be safe for a SOS to date a BOS?????
JoAnn,
I would be willing to help in any way, and you can use my commentaries there if any seem to apply. With one qualifier. Any reference to the AC thing is taken out, because that is an instant identifier of my SA and I.
All right, read the thread. In my heart of hearts, I believe that we need to meet and know that some men ARE capable of emotional initmacy and these male partners of female SA’s need to know the same, in reverse. There are good women out there, who can be faithful. It could be an amazing source of healing (and yes, perhaps dating.) But we could thinik of them as brothers and guy-friends….like the ones we had and knew in college before we got snared in an SA trap. I still say, there aren’t nearly as many men suffering from SA trauma as women….and I DEFINITELY remember the stage of my SA trauma recovery when I TRULY belived that ALL men were SA’s. I have recovered enough, finally, to know, that that is not true. I’d be willing to help/post on BOS JoAnn. ~Helen
JoAnn,
There are SA’s on this site? Huh? What? How many sites do you run and which one did I sign up for? 🙂
Helen
Joann,
I admire your good-heartedness and desire to help. I have to say, for me, I don’t have enough trust in me to be connected to a site where men are commenting. Their issues are different from ours. I hate to admit it, but I don’t trust me. At all. Not when issues of sex are the topic. Their drive is different from ours. I know a man who is going through a divorce, was very much traumatized. His main goal right now is to have no commitments, to have casual sexual encounters, to just have fun now. He was traumatized, and I don’t hold his response against him. It is his way of dealing with many years of abuse. But my point is that men and women might respond to this trauma differently.
I need safety. Just when I think that as I move down this road of getting on with life without the trauma of my relationship to an SA husband . . . I find that I am not so far down that road. I don’t know if I will ever trust men with these issues (sex) again.
I vote for two separate sites.
JoAnn didn’t I read an earlier post on this thread from you about some SA’s being on the married sight but no allowed to post. ??? Hiffingto Post had a receng article about female SA’s. I will go find thr link. I think a BOS site would be a good place for us to practice boundsry work with safe men. ???
Sunny, so was that man you know married to a female sex addict? I am just wondering, because I honestly didn’t consider that being a way male partners might cope in response to this trauma, except for in a revenge way. But that just shows how little I know about men!
No, I don’t believe she was. Even so, he described a sad, difficult marriage that ended when she told him she wanted a divorce.
I think men respond to relational difficulty/trauma than we do. I don’t know if it would have been different if she had been an SA. Knowing him, I don’t think so. They hadn’t had sex in years, and he definitely wanted that in his life again.
Helen, the married site, http://marriedtoasexaddict.com is completely open, it is not a private membership site like this one. Anyone on the Internet can read everything that is written there. I allow comments on there from men but not from Sex Addicts.
The reason I created this site was so that women would have a safe, private place to share.
As for the question about how many female Sex Addicts there are, it is extremely under reported because there is much more stigma attached to a ‘loose’ woman and they rarely seek treatment, but the number is easily in the millions.
Just think about it, who do you think is on all those chat lines hooking up with men? Who do you think those male Sex Addicts are having affairs with? Who do you think they are picking up in bars or have one night stands with? Or office fling? Just like men, most female Sex Addicts are products of abuse and statistically more young girls are abused than boys.
So, with all that said, that means there are a LOT of men, nice men, just like we are nice women, who were deceived and sucked in by these predatory women.
It’s not as rare as you might think.
I have to say that I am somewhat puzzled by the responses here to this topic. I was in no way suggesting a permanent mingling, or hook ups or anything like that. I was merely asking for some topics and comments on the site to get it started and then the men can run with it.
Who knows, it may be a complete flop. These men may not want to talk. But, I just thought I would put it out there and give it a try. It’s another venue to get the message out that Sex Addiction causes huge trauma and devastation to partners.
Also, many of the men who wrote to me are gay and are suffering deeply because their partners are Sex Addicts.
~ JoAnn
I get what you’re saying JoAnn, and I don’t have a problem at all with what you’re suggesting. I have absolutely no doubt that before you can say ‘gender stereotypes’ the guys will be running their own show 😉
Oops, a Sister pointed out that my link to the brotherhood site was misspelled. Well, no wonder no one commented on what a great design I came up with!!!
Here’s a good link, and I’ll go back and fix the other one.
My understanding is that you wish to create a site that’s private and for men only who face the challenges of life with a female SA. A safe place for guys that are living with the hurt, the rejection, the whole relational trauma thing that we deal with here.
I agree that men are different; and one difference is the cultural dictum is that they’re supposed to always want sex and having a crazy nympho wife should be cool. But it’s not cool at all; it’s confusing and painful and a big piece (commitment, intimacy) is missing, and they don’t know what the hell to do or why they hurt, why they’re not enough for their wives to stay home, or how to process the feelings of rejection and pain. The culture further dictates that men don’t need help with anything, they should be able to figure it out for themselves.
It’s hard to imagine the depth of their confusion and pain. It’s different from ours, but in some ways it’s much worse. In a way, our culture tells them to shut up, and to enjoy it. But what’s to enjoy?
I can so see why they would also need a community of understanding people; and having it be just guys would be strengthening. They could know they’re not alone, and we all know what a relief that is.
I would be willing to help with whatever I can, JoAnn. I can’t know what it’s like to be a guy dealing with this, but I’m empathetic and compassionate, and I know this pain. I do agree though that ultimately, the ladies should excuse themselves and allow the guys some male bonding over this.
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