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So, I went back to the doctor because my bloodwork was showing a problem with the pregnancy. The ultrasound showed a sac and a fetal pole but the sac appears deformed. There is a flicker of a heartbeat but nowhere near what it should be at this time. Due to my history {infertility, 4 miscarriages, bad IVF pregnancy, etc} it looks as if this is more than likely not a viable pregnancy. I have to go back on Tuesday if I’m not showing any signs of naturally losing the baby, and then set up a D&C {I’ve had this before, it’s unpleasant}.
All my life all I wanted to be was a mother. I still hold guilt in my heart that my daughter lost her twin brother and is an only child when she shouldn’t be. So there is a part of me that is mourning. However, there is another side of me that feels this is the best thing to happen, due to my piece of shit SA and his inability to recover {not to mention the financial chaos we are in, thanks to his hookers and porn}. And I hate myself for even thinking that way. I hate myself for thinking this is the best thing to happen. And I hate my SA even more because of it.
So far my body is showing no signs of realizing the pregnancy is not good. I still have all the symptoms, which is making it even more gut-wrenching.
Thanks for all the support my sisters. I will keep you posted on what is going on.Dear hurtheart,
thank you for letting us know what’s happening. Please know I’m thinking of you and holding your sorrow and hope as a most precious thing. May you find strength for each day.
D.Hurtheart,
Like Diane, I am so thankful you updated us. You have been on my mind; what a tough situation you are in.
Guilt is a good thing, guilt like feeling bad when one lies, deceives or hurts someone. You must not allow these guilty feelings unless you did something to hurt someone, and then you make appropriate amends. You never wanted your wonderful little son and sister’s brother to die. You did not kill him; you mourn for the loss of his life. You tried very diligently to become a mother, and you are one, and an excellent one I am sure. Don’t look at your daughter as “poor only child.” She is blessed to be so wanted. She is blessed to have life. She was able to survive, and she is here for a reason. Many “only children” have wonderful lives…You love her and she will have many friends to play with and sleepovers and maybe sport’s teams to be on…
You want the best for this new baby too. If this child is not going to make it, than really there are positives to it, but you did not make that happen. You will love this child if development continues. You have gone through SO MUCH; you don’t have a strong stable relationship with your h, so it must feel so lonely at times! I so wish we could come and cheer you up and take your daughter to the park with you. I wish you felt physically better too. So much to deal with, but we love you and are here for you. Keep posting!
What state do you live in, by the way. Hugs, B. Trayed
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