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I have not posted my story and I am not sure if I ever will. I just am not sure if it would make me feel better or not. While all of our stories are so unique in the details the big pictures are all so similar. They all contain tales of betrayal, lies, denial, deflection, defensiveness, crazy making behavior. It is so sad. However right now with your indulgence I want to vent the following. After 20+ years of marriage, 18 of which are post first discovery (still trying to get my head around why I couldn’t leave then) and after 2 more major discoveries (and I still stayed???) we are about six weeks away from signing final divorce papers. And now he says he knows I am in pain and he wants to help. He thinks it would be good for us to talk.
Great. I have been in pain for eighteen years. I have desperately wanted to talk for eighteen years. My questions were met with everything but answers. And now is the time for discussion? Why couldn’t he have wanted to talk a long time ago? Why now? Why did I do this to myself?
Okay enough of the pity party. Thanks for listening.
EllenI know honey, I’m one of those that looks back, and I have to keep reminding myself to look forward, but not too far forward. 😉
He didn’t have the answers then and he still doesn’t, but he needs to be a “good guy”, so now that its “safe”, he wants to “help.”
Its all sick.
(((hugs)))
I don’t know your story, Ellen, but you ‘did this to yourself’ because none of us knew how to navigate this because we didn’t sign up for it and live in a totally different reality than the SA. Maybe talking will give you a chance to express some things and release some pressure. Good luck. Love, Lylo
Lexie and Lylo
Thanks so much. I do try to remind myself to look forward and take it a day at a time but sometimes I forget. But each day is getting a little better. I am really trying to move on.
EllenThen, please don’t talk. He will just lie anyway. And you will be confused and it will be a bigger mess. Make him pay, save your soul, and keep moving forward. Trust me, you are doing the right thing.
Love,
SL
You didn’t do anything to yourself other then love the man you married, try to keep your commitment and hold onto hope and forgiveness. All gifts he apparently refused and/or took advantage of.
When my ex husband and I had separated and were filing for divorce he came to me. He wanted to talk. He wanted to know why I was unhappy and what could he do to change it. I told him I’d been crying to him for 8 years and tried countless times to tell him what I needed. What’s different now? He said, “because now I want to listen.” There was so much anger and sadness all rolled up in that moment. All I could respond with was the truth, “it’s too late now.”
Ellen,
So glad you shared with us. You go right ahead and have as much and as long of a pity party you need for yourself. What all of us are trying to recover from is massive in size and unless you have gone through it, you just can’t relate on all levels. That is why having the sisters is such a calming, place to be. A place where we can go and have understanding about what we are going through. A place where sometimes we get nudged to see something from a different perspective but mostly we get validation.
Kim, your post brought tears to my eyes. ……it’s too late now…. sssssssoooooooooooo ssssssssaaaaaaaddddd!!!!!!!
I am proud of you for believing in you!!!!
Meee toooo, Kim. I read your post and felt bittersweet. Then, your last line gave me chills. So sad! 🙁
Ellen,
do what you need to do for yourself. Not for him. For yourself.
If you talk with him, do it to confirm that he only cares now that he doesn’t actually have to follow through, and so he can believe he “tried”, and he can believe that he was a caring man but you just turned him down. If you talk with him, realize it’s only to see his predictable cowardice. See him as he really is one last time, so you know one last time you did the right thing.
If you don’t talk with him, let that be because you know what this is about and your energy is better spent on building your new life. Let it be because the witness of his true nature in the marriage means he’s not doing this for you at all, he’s doing it for himself, and you have better things to do with your time.
I’m very sorry your are in the middle of this part of the whole thing. It’s so hard, so very hard. May you have grace in all things.
D.xoEllen, I would be very careful to welcome an 11th stay of execution, so to speak. I don’t mean to sound discouraging but I would think before or as you filed he would’ve cried out for help. Waiting til it’s almost over is a bit suspicious to me. I could be wrong as I don’t know either of you but stay on course is my advice. Don’t halt or change anything. Hear him out if you want and QUESTION what he says and call BS on what your gut says is bs. Listen with your head and not your heart.
He wants to talk to make himself feel better. If he wanted to make you feel better, he would’ve talked a long time ago. And its almost assuredly going to be a lot of gobbledygook, and will leave you feeling off balance and even worse.
Thank you all so much. There is so much wisdom and caring in all of your posts.
Lexie and for-now I am suspicious of the motivation behind his request to talk and offer to help. It is all a day late (at least) and a dollar short. I am firmly committed to the path I am on. And I know things will get better.
Diane your gentle and kind advice has been well received. It has been a slow process for me but I am learning that I need to do what is right for me. I am trying to live with the belief that I am not doing this to him, I am doing this for me. I have learned to slow down and think is this really good for me before and is it really what I want before I respond to him anymore.
Kim you are so right. We all do try to make things work against all the barriers they can throw in our way. And it is all about them and their timetable. Until it is too late and that is extremely sad.
cindy1111 the validation and caring that is available here is priceless. So much compassion and patience and wisdom.
SL I have been following your posts and your story offers so much hope. What a wonderful gift!
Thank you all so much.
I was really not feeling so good about things and now I feel so much better.
EllenDear Ellen,
I have to agree with Lexie and Diane here. Do not do anything UNLESS it is in your best interest. Our husbands do not have our best interests at heart so we have to be so cautious. You are vunerable to being manipulated by him so just take good care of yourself whatever you decide? BIG HUG! Karen xx
What a great forum, which already gave me chills and put tears in my eyes. Diane, what you said really spoke to me. That’s what I love about these forums. They help the sister who asked the question, and then so many of the rest of us. I can see this forum “in my future.” I should print all of this out and save it.
Anyway, I don’t want to hijack this with my thanks. Ellen, stay strong–I’m pulling for you!!!Love, ZG
ZG
Thanks for the good thoughts. SOS is such a great place in so many ways. Everyone on here is so helpful and caring and just plain wonderful.
Take care,
EllenDon’t feel sad for me! He was such an arrogant SOB. That divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. And BTW… I never gave him that talk.
Ellen.
I couldn’t agree more with the views expressed by the other ladies. He wants to talk. HE wants… HE wants… it’s been all about what he wants for far too long. He wants to clear his conscience a little maybe. So he probably figures a talk would be good for him. But all that matters now is… would it be good for YOU?
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