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Wow too Karen, you described my life with my SA to a ‘T’. Excellent post. So happy my marriage is ending!!!
Thank you.Love,Nap
Agreed, it is abuse. At the beginning, when I first found evidence, and my H came home that day with a book about SA and two appointments with a counselor and a date for a support group meeting, smiling, I had the distinct feeling that this was war, and that was his bunker. Where is mine?
I think it is time for women and these guys to come to grips with what’s going on. Karen has a pretty accurate picture. I know that some SA’s and some partners of SA’s don’t like that picture, and don’t believe it’s true. I guess the problem is that we don’t get to see an example of it not being true. The reasons we have anger is because of these experiences with our SA’s.
I suspect my SA knows this about himself and tries to suppress it, but at the time would never it up—-“it” being the entitled position of power, control, judge, critic etc. of me. Instead he’ll feel really guilty, and cry, etc., but he’ll never give up the belief that he’s entitled to be that, and do that. And that’s the narcissism that is so horrible to have to recognize.Lynng and March, you are really helping to break open some old discussions in a new way. Thanks!
Diane, where you said,
“I suspect my SA knows this about himself and tries to suppress it, but at the time would never it up—-”it” being the entitled position of power, control, judge, critic etc. of me. Instead he’ll feel really guilty, and cry, etc., but he’ll never give up the belief that he’s entitled to be that, and do that. And that’s the narcissism that is so horrible to have to recognize.” You just described my h. He often points to how much he cries as proof of how bad he feels for what he did, but somehow it just hasn’t been ringing true for me. Maybe because it doesn’t take very long for him to switch over from sobbing to being back in protective ego mode. It’s scary how well you nailed it. Karen’s post was eye-opening, but you’re right, I kept thinking..hoping.. that maybe it didn’t apply to my h, even though while reading it, I felt like I was being socked in the gut with truth and with an enormous wake-up call.Lexie – You are so right. I’ve read so much and somewhere I read a story of a man who was a sex addict and had become paralyzed. Completely impotent. He still acted out in his own way. You can cut their dick off literally or figuratively but the problem isn’t in their dick, it’s in their head. They have a little head on their dick and they are a big dick inside their head.
And they can’t disclose everything they did “wrong” because they don’t even think half the shit IS wrong.
Karen – I think you are spot on with the primary partner thing for some. It depends on what they get a high from. And for a lot of them it is the sheer act of doing something they are not supposed to do and getting away with it. A voyeur for instance would not get off on watching someone if they KNEW he was watching. That takes the thrill away.
I keep hearing the voice of the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, “Off with their heads!” (big and little) Lorena Bobbit is my hero.
Dear Karen
I am just reading your post– and wow– I agree you have outdone yourself. No you were not rambling, you were coherant and clear—
It is true, this sick game of abuse, power and control. It is what drives the whole GD thing, sexual compulsion is a side effect. It is a horrible horrible life for any wife/partner, and I believe the abuse will wear down and wound even the strongest of women. It is just so foreign and twisted and even more confusing when young children are involved.
I feel that marriage is a dangerous trap for women. Once a woman says “I do” the real powers come out to play. Very quickly. The iron gates of hell close…..I just got an email from him saying that he doesn’t have any photos of us and he’s feeling bereft, whether or not this separation is temporary or permanent, and would I send him a photo. Funny.. in 22 years he never felt the need to have a photo of me in his wallet or on his desk. Has this kind of thing happened to any of you.. this ‘intermittent reinforcement,’ as JoAnn calls it? I’m either becoming
cold-hearted or finally growing a brain, but this just ain’t sitting right with me.p.s. march and Kim, you guys really made me snort out loud with:
(Kim) “I keep hearing the voice of the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, “Off with their heads!” (big and little) Lorena Bobbit is my hero.”
(march) “You should go volunteer with him and wear your Marriedtoasexaddict tee shirt.”
Lol..what would I do without you guys? 🙂
Karen,
I thought I would be the first one to say you outdid yourself, but I’m jumping on the train a little late, lol! Your post could stand alone as an article or blog. It REALLY hit a chord with me today. A lightbulb has gone off for me this weekend in a huge way. I want to tell you ladies all about it, but I”m so exhausted right now I can’t do it justice. I’m going to head off to bed and try to catch up on some of the sleep I missed last night. Love you all.Hi Karen,
That was fantastic!!!
So right on. Having been through it, it is 100% true. Love your post.Flora
This is what a newly found wife os sex addict husband should read. This is what the next year or two of her life will be about. This is why i advocate for a physical split, if not a full split with divorce, because the head games just keep comin. You are not free from those head games unless you split apart. Becasue its all so true.
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